A little progress…
I’ve been trying really hard to face my fear of money in this last week.
To that end, I’ve made several forays into the black hole that is the “office” downstairs. Just by the way - did I sound like we were in terrible debt? We aren’t really, not here. What we are is just living from paycheck to paycheck, just paying the regular bills, very often unnecessarilyt late, and the tuition bills for the girls, but never saving enough to cater for a holiday, new tyres, keeping the cars serviced, a special present for a kid who has worked hard to graduate with honours, let alone an emergency.
Over the last eight years, on several occasions, I have make these forays into Neil’s boxes and bags of papers, and handled debts, to the point that, outside of tuition, and one loan that Neil took, we don’t have any anymore. Each time, though, while in the thoes of sorthing things out, I felt like it was going kill me, I was so scared and tense. I was also so mad at Neil for putting me, us, in this position through sheer negligence. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! And when I was done, the memory of that fear and tension was so strong, I stayed away. So, we don’t have much debt, but we don’t have much to lose, either, which is, I suppose, one way of looking at it. But I want a house and I want to live comfortably. I want to know I’m not going to be a bag lady at the end of all these years of working my guts out.
I think facing this whole issue and finally dealing with my fear and worry (Get Over It, Ruby!) will unblock me so I can get on with taking care of the many things, including weighing less and being more healthy, that I have been trying - with only limited success - to do. I might get some real sleep, for instance! I’ve been reading about this in a book that caught my eye - You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay. I’m not usually very impressed with self-help books, I think many of them should be taken with a huge pinch (no, a cup) of salt, however, this one has some ideas that I’m finding helpful. I think I mentioned to Lynard that I thought some of it was Airy-Fairy, but much of it seems like good common sense to me.
One of the first things I did this week was own up to this fear. Name it (hah! see previous blog entry!!). The second thing I did this week was actually talk to Neil about this issue again. I long ago stopped, out of frustration because talking about it never ever made any difference. Neil would sort papers for a couple of hours, then lose energy and push it aside and never get back to it. He squirmed and looked uncomfortable and made excuses, but maybe he’ll be relieved to have a partner after he gets over feeling defensive, because I intend to be phyically there for the great sorting.
And so, while not “there” yet, I’ve taken some steps. They were a little painful, but I’m still here.
This isn’t a little progress, it’s huge progress. Many times it turns out that once you face your fear it wasn’t as big as you were thinking it might be. I know for me as long as I’m feeling somewhat in control and have a plan I know I can fix things. It won’t happen overnight but you’ll get things figured out.
I need to see if this shows up. I’ve tried to comment twice, and twice it hasn’t appeared. Grrr.
Wow, this is awesome Ms. RJ. It’s definitely a step in the right direction. CAN YOU IMAGINE what will happen when you get ‘unstuck’? Shoot girl.
A lot of wonderful things …
I wouldn’t characterize this a small step missy - this is a GIANT move towards resolving this issue.
Wow. It’s a good day Ms. RJ.
A doggone GREAT day!
xo
Oh, yes, Ruby M’dear. I know that I’ve always felt better KNOWING where I stood rather than assuming that I knew, and assuming the worst. I don’t think that men (unless they are financiers) have the same priorities as women, who are after all, the hub of the family wheel, you might say.I think we’ve been managing so many things for so long that managing money is second nature to us. And of course there’s a bit of the control freak in me as well, so I’ve never been comfortable with (either one of my) husbands managing MY money. You’ll feel better once you see exactly what you’re dealing with, and are able to make a plan for going forward. BIG step, indeed. Good going,darlin’ -
Hugs,
Z
Big steps Rubes, major steps….good for you.
Not easy to do…I too have always done the books and all the bill paying in the house. Have done so since the day we moved in together 10 years ago.
Just last week, I gave up the reins and am “allowing” him to take over some of the bills…scary for me. Cause I am the classic control freak, but I am also tired of always doing it all..
Now I just have to grit my teeth and “allow” him to do what needs to be done…
You know, listening to Otis Redding does me some good. I found that several artists have recorded Try and Little Tenderness and NONE of them do it justice like Otis does. Just a sidebar and my humble opinion. Have you heard other versions?
Ruby pat yourself on the back and accept this big hug from me. You are doing a great job and taking huge steps. That is great. The first few are the hardest. Do whatever it takes to make YOU feel comfortable and safe.