Well, here it is, Monday morning 8am. In 30 minutes, my boss has called a meeting, ominously called “Information”. She had a meeting with the CIO on Friday, and she mentioned to me only a moment ago that the news is not good. I am quite terrified to lose my job. We have no cushion whatsoever, and my dh does not earn very much. He works so hard, too. He’s been doing private jobs every week-end for months, and I can see how tired he is. Ugh.

Well, I did pull out the old resume a couple of months ago, and polished it up a bit. I don’t even want to work in IT anymore. Never really did. It just paid well.

I’ve been marching around this new office complex like a lunatic these last few weeks, with my scented wipes at the ready to freshen up when the walking is done. Did I say I hate that part? Yeah, yeah, I’m kvetching too much. It paid off though. I lost 5.5 lbs this month. I had gone up and now I’m about one pound lower than my lowest this year. Might as well continue to march. If I have to go for job interviews it’ll be better if I’m not so heavy. Shoulda’ gone for that botox, too.

9 Hours Later…

Well, the meeting was ominous. The European ex owners - and somehow still involved - branch of our company has a system that can supposedly do the same thing as the system I support, and they want to eliminate ours if possible, to save money. So, we have to compile a report of everything our system does, and they’ll do a gap analysis. So we have work - basically, it’s to dig our own grave. It sounds mean of me to say this, but so much of the stuff I’ve seen produced (well, sometimes not produced, just presented and talked about for a long time) from this particular IT group is pretty but has no legs, no substance. They’re very stylish and come over to the US with their funny shoes and haircuts (ok, yes, that’s bitchy) and are extremely self congratulatory, but most of their stuff seems buggy and s-l-o-o-o-o-w. It’s as if all the design efforts go into the front end screens, but the meat and potatoes part is lacking. Not that our stuff isn’t pretty. It’s not bad - but importantly, the meat and potatoes are there, they really do work, and they’re very very powerful.  Oh well. The only plus is that these folks take forever to do anything.

I marched around the campus today, had a slice of toast with peanut butter for breakfast, tea with milk & sugar, coffee with half & half and sugar, half of a rather large tuna sandwich on crusty bread and a few sweets. The sweets are not my normal thing, but they were floating all over our office and I had a bitter taste in my mouth for some reason. I’ve given up on sweeteners. I’d rather just have that little bit of sugar in my tea or coffee and limit myself to no more than one or two cups of tea/coffee a day.

Maya was so desperate for a walk tonight that I took her on a rather long, brisk walk as soon as I could change. She greeted me at the door great enthusiasm, all but doing back handsprings and acrobatic leaps. She harangued me as I changed out of my work clothing, pushing me with her nose, mouthing my hands a bit, as if to pull me along. She makes a peculiar kind of yodeling sound, which is her version of talking. “Oh please please please hurry up, I’ve been waiting all day, come ON, please!”. I finished dressing and needed the loo…..when I went into the bathroom she sat outside the door and cried and yodeled some more. Our walk wasn’t enough for her though, she keeps trying to engage me in play even now. I feel so very sorry for her. She’s lonely, too, without Shelby and J. and her bf are worse than useless when it comes to meeting her needs. They want her to cuddle, and think that tying her up on a rope in the back yard qualifies as “she was outside today” when I ask if they’ve taken her out. They aren’t prepared for the walking and poop picking up and all that other stuff that goes with the territory. I wish they’d try a little harder. I’m tired of being mad at them. I’ve been mad so much lately, I’ve just got to let it go.

As I walked/ran with Maya, I tried to remember to be present in the moment, enjoy the cold air, the moon, the trees and notice my heart beating. I wondered if I’ve lost, or if I ever even really knew how to be happy. I just can’t seem to remember how that feels. Happy moments here and there: enjoyment at a good joke, a good movie, a good glass of wine, good food. Looking at photos of my family, I feel proud and pleased and love them. But I don’t remember, even on those days long ago when those photos were taken, just feeling content. Always worried, seldom relaxed. Is that all there is? Is that all you get? Yes, I’m greedy.