Still using up space here, I am.

I haven’t found another spot to blog yet, although I think I’m on my way. I found a person who offers an online writing course and have initiated correspondence. So far, I’ve inquired about the availability and schedule of the next class, he’s responded, and I’ve enthused. The class involves blogging. It’s probably hosted on something like blogspot. I’ll find out more today.

Yesterday I took a really long walk at lunch time, after which I had a nice cold shower, washed my now even shorter hair and still didn’t make it back to my desk in the allotted hour. I did not even try to blow dry the feathers on top of my head, I just pushed them about with my fingers. Talk about letting go of vanity. It dried alright. I don’t think I scared anyone away. I wore my Weight Watchers pedometer, and with my stride measured at 28 (inches? I have no idea, I just followed their stride measuring instructions), the step total for the walk was over 5,300. I wore two two pound wrist weights on my arms, with the idea that they may help tone my arms. I don’t think they toned anything except my veins and arteries.

For breakfast I’ve been sticking to Fiber One, just over the 1/2 cup serving size, and I usually throw in a handful of raisins and occasionally a banana. I also have a cup of coffee. We don’t bother with skim milk, and I do put 2 tsp of sugar in the coffee. No one in this home is into the low-fat or fat-free diet food offerings that are available. We’re all of the opinion that you should just eat less of the “real” stuff. Should I mention that I’m the only plumpy living here? I do all this very early in the morning because I want to make sure to (this is indelicate) get to the loo before work. I loathe using the work loos.

Once at work, I’ll make a cup, occasionally two, of coffee. Generally there I have Splenda, but I do use half-n-half. I try to fit in as much water as possible throughout the day, but often I forget. It seems ridiculous to buy plastic bottles of water when there is a perfectly good water fountain down the hall that gushes cold water and has a fixture for filling a glass.

For lunch, if I don’t go out with my colleagues….and I’m guessing that whole phase of my life is over now that my one colleague is leaving next Tuesday…..I just have a Slim-Fast or some left-overs from the previous night’s dinner.

Once home, I almost always prepare something for the family. I have worked myself into the position where I am the main one doing food preparation, and this is another thing that is ridiculous, given that there are two grown daughters living in this house, plus my husband and my mom. My mom pitches in occasionally, but her efforts usually use up every ingredient in the pantry and we have left-overs for months. This isn’t always ideal, since I’m the only one who really appreciates her style of cooking. She’s getting on, and sometimes makes mistakes, e.g. mushy meatballs, or generally overcooked meat and vegetables. Neil will pitch in too, occasionally, bless his heart (mostly). He is of the seventeen peas per person variety of cook, and this is a sore point between us. So, this week I did buy ingredients for soft tacos, and told Jessica and her boyfriend (since he appears to have moved in) that they are in charge of that meal one night this week.

Our dinners are not usually too weight loss friendly, although I do always include a salad and vegetables. If it isn’t too weight loss friendly, I just make sure my portion of the heavy part of the meal is small and load up on the salad and vegetables. Last night I made (for the first time actually) rigatoni with vodka sauce and an Italian inspired salad (iceberg/romaine lettuce, lots of tomatoes (home grown, from a friend), thinly sliced red onion, roasted red peppers and fresh mozzarella). We also had a warm loaf of Italian bread.

After our evening meal, we don’t usually have a dessert, although there are some Klondyke bars in the freezer this week. There is always a ton of fruit available. I believe that my worst fault, my downfall is the one or two glasses of wine that easily morphs into three. According to my Christiane Northrup book, alcohol is the ultimate sugar high. I just love a beautiful glass of Sauvignon Blanc. Lately I’ve been liking Oyster bay. This is an expensive, fattening and unhealthy habit. Every time I think of having to give it up I become heartsore.

This week I’m trying to be good about that, and so far I haven’t managed it even once.

I tell myself it’s my way of dealing with the tension that I feel. And it is. It was. It doesn’t really work, so I might as well admit it and forgo those extra carbs, since I still remain feeling pretty tense in the evenings. Why is that? Why can I just not relax? Why can I not just fall asleep and then sleep all the way through most nights? Is there something peculiar about my personal chemistry? I’ve been like this since I was 8, long before I was able to try and self-medicate. I was looking at old photos the other day, and noticed that even at 8, I was always pale and had dark circles around my eyes. I’ve tried meditation, I’m still trying meditation. I’ve tried intense physical activity to exhaust myself, and yes, finishing early enough in the day to not cause me to be hyped up at night. Hot baths, warm baths, hot milk. Prayer. Making my bedroom a sanctuary (that was difficult, since my bedroom has some sort of weird static attraction for the flotsam and jetsam of the house). Nevertheless, here it is, 4:09 and I’ve been awake and typing since 3am. Woke up to pee, went back to bed and realized sleep was not going to come and why lie there all frustrated? Enough complaining.

I’ll do the walking again today. I’ve got some leftovers dished up for myself from last night, mostly salad, but I could just take a Slim Fast. It’s another day about to begin….My car is empty of gas, have to leave at least a half hour earlier to fill it up. I need to mail some birthday cards at some point today and I have an optometrist’s appointment this evening. We’ll do leftovers tonight, tough beanaroonies if the kids and Neil don’t want that.

My eldest is coming home by bus on Friday, and on Sunday she and I and my middle daughter are doing the Susan G. Komen walk/run for the cure. That’s something happy to look forward to, eh? Couldn’t talk my youngest into joining us. Damn. She misses out on so much.

The drama with my sister and family, mostly my mom, is still unfolding. I haven’t spoken to her in ages because I just don’t know how to begin. To me, the foundation of our relationship has changed. We’re not in the same place anymore, but where are we? How do you go from here? Carefully, I suppose.

I’ve been whipping through the house, gradually fixing things. I’ll write more about these endeavors some other time. I’m signing up for a Tuesday night knitting group that starts October 14th. I do not knit, but, apart from word crafting, I long to do something creative with my hands. We are each going to knit a beautiful sweater. All exciting things.