Round

I am off to the hospital this evening, surgery first thing tomorrow.

I’m scared.

I’m sad.

Mostly I want to put this behind me & hear my doctor tell me that he got it all, there is no more treatment needed, and that everything looked really good - and then to go on to have a perfect recovery.

Thanks for all your well wishes - and if you can find it in your hearts to think of me one more time, the best would be tomorrow morning French time (so middle of the night or wee early morning in the US).

This week I’ve been able to realize how much I trust my surgeon, and to really appreciate living in a country where I have great healthcare and don’t need to worry about my insurance company in any way, shape or form.  I recently read a book by TR Reid called The Healing of America which goes through the healthcare systems in various countries (including France) and tries to show how the US system could be reformed to incorporate some good ideas that have worked elsewhere.  Interesting book - if healthcare reform interests you, I recommend it.

What I have in France is the same comprehensive healthcare as every other resident.  I also have a supplemental policy that reimburses some of the copays and covers things like a private room in the hospital (instead of sharing w one other person).  I think I’ll end up paying about 30$ out of pocket for my week in the hospital next week - and yes, I’ll probably be in the hospital for about 5 nights after a laparoscopic hysterectomy (I think in the US it’s one or two nights). 

Today I saw my primary care doc who spent a good deal of time with me & gave me a flu shot, total cost 30€ and I’ll be reimbursed for all of it. 

I also went to a new psychiatrist (recommended by my PCP) because I’ve been not thrilled with the woman I’ve been seeing.  This guy charged me 41€ and again, it will be reimbursed by insurance.  I think I might have 1€ out of pocket to pay.  Maybe.

More than the affordability, is the confidence I have in these doctors, and the peace of mind from knowing my claims wont be denied, and I wont have to worry about being cancelled or having a hard time getting insurance in the future.  My heart goes out to people in the US not getting care that they need or having to worry about their insurance and bills at the same time they face the stress of disease.

I have let go of a lot of the worry about the details and now am just trusting in my doctor that the surgery will go well & that I will get a clean bill of health & easy recovery.

Meanwhile, I continue to see signs of weight loss.  I bought a pair of dark green cords in mid August when I was in the States.  I was happy because they were a regular (not Women’s) size 16.  They were a tad tight - I knew that to look good I needed to drop about 5 pounds.  Today these same pants are bagging in the butt and upper thighs.  It’s exciting to see progress that is tangible like that.  My husband says I’ve lost proportionally all over, but of course it feels like my belly is not shrinking and the boobs & butt are what I’m losing.   Regardless, I am making progress & I’m happy about it. 

I was hit in this round of meme going around the 3FC blogs last week by gonnabe and fatpants (thanks) and since these days I have enough freaky stuff going on I don’t want to risk bad karma by ditching this, so I’m playing along.

Rules:

-Include the award on your blog or post
-Share with everyone six interesting facts about yourself
-Nominate as many bloggers as you like
-Be sure to link the nominees within your post
-Let them know that they received this award through their tagboards or private message them
-Share the love and link this post so that everyone will know the person whom you received your award from.

Six interesting facts about me:

1. I feel so blessed to have met my husband.  He is kind, intelligent, generous, funny, and so cute.  He was worth the wait.

2. I used to love earrings but about 8 years ago I suddenly became allergic to all earrings, even those of 18k gold, so now I only wear them for a few hours on special occasions.

3. I really hate people who judge others.  I don’t know why anyone could think that their own beliefs and choices are the right ones for anyone but themselves.

4. I don’t understand why people would want to be famous.  Rich, yes, but famous I just don’t get.

5. My mom made me take typing my first year of high school as an elective, and as a result I am a touch typist (using all fingers without looking at the keys).  When I moved to France I discovered to my horror that a French keyboard is about 20% different than an American QWERTY one, but I am now a touch typist on both systems - takes me a minute or two to adjust back and forth.

6. I am a bad aunt.  I forget birthdays and don’t send cards or gifts.  I keep meaning to improve on this but I still haven’t done it.  It would probably save me a lot of mental anguish if I just set up an automated system instead of constantly worrying about it.

I’ve nominated:

Shari & Suzeeeq

Update from our IVF : I made a dozen eggs!  That’s a pretty good response for anyone, let alone for a 41 year old chick.  All fertilized, but only 9 fertilized normally (still, 75% is a good rate).  All were in good shape on Day 3 and they froze them all. Yippee! 

We also met with our gestational carrier (surrogate) and her husband and really feel this is a good match.  Both sides seem really happy to go on this adventure together.   Next steps will be working out a lot of the insurance issues, finalizing the elements for the contract, and most importantly, getting her medical evaluation (this in December).  If all moves smoothly we could be doing a transfer in February or March.  There is a lot to do between then and now to get ready, but I’m approaching it like a big complex project.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts & support.  It meant a lot to me to have so many people rooting for us, and clearly it paid off!

On the diet front, as planned I stuck to the low carb way of eating for the most part.  I had ice cream 3 times and twice had meals where carbs snuck in (once Mexican, once a nice restaurant) but was quite reasonable overall and am right back on it.  My weight looked like it was down a bit, but now that I’m bloated from all the progesterone after the medically-induced ovulation it’s hard to tell.  I’ll weigh in officially next Monday (although I’ll be pre-menstrual & still bloated) but should have a good idea of where my weight really is on October 19th.  The good news is that even on the days where the scale moves up, I’m still solidly in Onederland. The scale hasn’t moved above 200 for even one day in over a month!

Yesterday was a full day of flying.

I had the presence of mind to buy sliced cheese and salami to take with me on the flight, which was a lifesaver (well, diet-saver) because the meals were not low carb at all and I doubt I’d have made it through the 22 hours of travel without diving into something carby without them.  I did have time to grab a salad & quiche combo to eat on the second plane, but knowing that I was prepared put me in good shape to head into another trip to the US full of temptations.  But I’ll be okay and able to stick to low-carbing while I’m here — I am anxious to get that scale below 195 and that’s been good motivation for me recently.

On the flight we had tons of options of movies to watch but I had brought the book I was reading and another that was almost 400 pages that I figured I’d only attack on a long trip, and I ended up reading pretty much the whole way.  In all I read about 500 pages on the various flights - finished the second book this morning waiting at the doctors office.  It felt much more satisfying to have read 2 good books on the flights instead of watching a bunch of lame-brained movies that I didn’t particularly want to see (I did look through the films to see if there was anything I had really wanted to catch, but there wasn’t).

The worst part of the flights was having to do my shots in the airplane bathroom.  Cramped, dirty, etc. I had to find surfaces to put the supplies, cover them all w paper towels, rewash my hands, and do 2 types of shots.  About 8 people knocked on the door while I was in there, which didn’t help my stress at all.  I broke not one, but two ampoules for my shots - shattered the tops between my fingers instead of neatly snapping off the glass tops, and had my fingers bleeding all over me, my jeans, the syringe while I was trying to inject.  Really awful.  Knock knock…  I got the shots done, maybe a little less thorough than usual about getting every drop out of the vials.  Then tried to clean up the mess, getting the glass shards out of my jeans first, then trying to get them off the floor, then trying to clean up the blood.  The cleanup part was worse than the shots I think because when I first started bleeding I kept myself calm to get through the shots and figured after that I could deal with anything.  I was shaking I was so anxious by the time I got back to my seat.  I was really grateful the second plane was on time and I was able to do the evening set of shots in the rental car bathroom instead of in the plane.

Anyway, we got here just fine, and even made it to the gym today.  My mom is a member at this gym and they were really nice and told my husband & I that we can use it for free all week.  Sweet.

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REPEATING UNTIL THESE 2 WEEKS ARE OVER :

*** On another subject, for those who pray, or send wishes to the universe, or good thoughts etc, I would very much appreciate al the good will you can throw my way over then next 2 or so weeks as we go through the IVF egg collection.  I am taking the stimulation drugs now and sometime early October they should be going in to get the eggs and make the embryos, which we will then freeze to use with a gestational surrogate because I have to have the hysterectomy for the endometrial cancer.  So we’re making snowbabies right now, and all your well wishes are much appreciated.  ***

I’m not really myself lately.  I can blame it on the hormones, but I suspect that’s too convenient an excuse and it’s really stress coming through.

I am incredibly, unbelievably needy with my husband.  I get annoyed with him for nothing, and things I usually do with joy I sometimes feel myself resenting (going shopping, preparing meals, etc).  It’s not like he doesn’t help out or do those things too, by the way - it’s just that I feel this need for complete and total appreciation of the smallest things.  Luckily we’re able to talk about it and I’m usually able to articulate my neediness and he’s usually able to be nice, and I’m sometimes able to overcome my emotional state, so all in all things are working.

I’ve done 6 shots so far - when it’s all done it’ll have been around 50, so I’m in the early stages.  I always have that hesitation before putting the needle into my skin (have to do the 1-2-3-NOW thing about 5 times before I really jab it, but it makes me laugh that a few years ago I actually called a home visit doctor one night that my husband was traveling because I couldn’t bring myself to do it at 10:30pm).

I wanted to have a weekend where I felt pampered and indulged but I didn’t.  My husband is pretty preoccupied with work (getting things done so that he can come to the US for the fertility stuff for 10 days, we leave on Friday).  And he’s just generally stressed about work and me and everything and I was able to not be a total pain in the a** this weekend.  We watched some movies, walked around a little, but did less than I had wanted to.  I did read a lot, which was nice - I missed that.  I went back to reading lighter, more fun stuff and got swept away just as I wanted.  Plotting my next book now.

I have slightly upped the carbs these past few days, and will keep them up a bit until after the egg retrieval.  I’m not stopping low carb and I’m not back on bread, sugar or the like — just a bit more veggies and nuts and such.  I don’t think that the moment my body is growing eggs is the moment to be trying to drop weight, nor that being in ketosis (state of very low carbohydrates) is necessarily a good thing.  Probably not a bad thing, but it’s only 2 weeks and it seems like a smarter choice to take a more moderate dietary path.

This is a pretty rambling post, which is pretty well reflective of my mind these days.  All over the map, unable to concentrate on anything for very long, swept away easily… and pretty preoccupied by the medical stuff.

Very ironic that now, after 3 days off the birth control pills, I feel better and more like me, but now I start the hard-core fertility drugs which will probably make the past 2 weeks look like a walk in the park.

I was VERY nervous for the past 10 days that something bad would happen and I’d get cancelled.  Even yesterday seeing my local doctor who told me everything looked okay, I wasn’t convinced until I got the thumbs up from the US.

But I got it!

So now I start the twice daily shots to inject my body full of hormones that will make my body make lots of eggs for the IVF.  In total I’ll have 4 shots a day, 2 in the morning, 2 in the evening, plus a pill of something at night.  For the first 2 days I only have 2 shots, one morning, one night.

I’ve been pretty whacked out these past few days.   If I don’t take sleeping pills I don’t sleep.  I am ornery with my husband, tempermental, bitchy, annoying, needy, and I cry at the drop of a hat.  Who is this person? When is she leaving, because she is getting on my nerves.  My husband isn’t finding her a lot of fun to be around either, by the way.

I’m guessing the worst will be over in about 3 weeks.  Then I’ll have 3 weeks of worry before the hysterectomy, then I can moan about recovering from that.

I’ve been super nervous about getting the authorization to begin the IVF drugs.  I took the birth control pills for about 2 1/2 weeks (to ‘calm everything down’) and they made me hormonal and irritable.  I was super stressed about the testing today to make sure everything was low and normal where it was supposed to be, but it was, so this afternoon I should get the ok from the US to get started.  I told my local doctor about how I’ve been stressed about the IVF, the bleeding, not sleeping etc and he told me 1) to take the sleeping pill every single night for 3 months because ‘this is a time of stress’ (duh! but it’s nice to hear someone else saying it) and without sleep I won’t cope well and 2) that he thinks I’ve been handling all this extremely well “you are quite zen”.   Wish my husband had been there to hear that, since he pretty much gets only the non-zen moments from me…

I slowed down the exercise.  I was feeling obsessive and decided to take a 1 day break that became 2.  Today I walked, but tomorrow I’ll get to the gym again.  I prefer to go at a 3 or 4 times a week rhythym now instead of trying to have it be a daily mandatory thing.

Thanks for the advice on the projects.  A lot of them are going on pause.  I am reading stuff that looks fun and entertaining now (well, I actually chose poorly, but the next one will be).  I took myself to a movie yesterday (Julie & Julia) and that was a good distraction for 2 hours so I might do more of that in the coming days.  I’m just taking it slowly, day by day, and trying to get through.

I’m kind of spacey and distracted these days.

Not on the diet and exercise front - I guess because it’s one of the few areas of my life where I’m really in control, I’m doing really well keeping to low carb eating and getting to the gym pretty regularly.

But in my daily life, I’m pretty much a mess.  I have several half-started projects all over my house.  A bathroom art project that has turned out to be time consuming and boring to finish.  A lot of organisation / decluttering things that only barely get started before something else grabs my attention.  Good intentions, bad follow through all over.

Even reading books has fallen by the wayside, although just now writing about it I know why — I put 3 books by my bed and told myself I needed to read among those, but in fact all 3 are complicated big undertakings.  I should probably just go for entertaining and distracting, and leave the brain improvement for a time when I actually feel like I have a working brain.

Mainly I’m nervous about how the next few weeks will go.

I’d really like to be using this time of my life to reset my goals and put my priorities into action, but I keep seeming to stall out on it.  Maybe it’s too big to attack?  Maybe I’m just lazy?

I do know that I’m distracted.

I begin with a disclaimer : I am going to be whining in this post.  And in fact, I am likely to be whining in the next several posts.

But I need a place to vent and this blog (which once upon a time was only about my weight) is it.

I’ll start with the weight whining :

• I “officially” only weigh in on Mondays, but I actually step on the scale pretty much every day.  I don’t write down the daily weights, but I know how things are going and it helps me mentally prepare for the”official’ day.  I don’t usually freak out about the variations on the scale - we all know that ups and downs of 2-3 pounds for no reason are pretty usual, and I firmly believe that if you’re going to weigh daily you have to agree not to freak out about such changes.
• Last week my weight was around 197 3 days running, even hitting 196.something one day.  And then suddenly on Saturday 2 things happened : my boobs started hurting like crazy (before period hurting) and my weight shot up by 4 pounds.  Sunday it was up another pound.  And now it seems THAT is the new number.  Grrrr.
• I might mention that I am eating PERFECTLY low carb, if anything my calories are low (will double check that today) AND that I started back to exercise successfully last week.  I am in ketosis every time I check.  It’s the damn drugs.

Its the drugs! IVF makes people nutty.

• Ah yes, the IVF cycle began without fanfare last week with starting on birth control pills, which I am to take for just over 2 weeks to ’shut everything down’ before the Serious drugs come in.
• The bloated feeling, the sore boobs, the weight gain all are side effects of them, and although I’m annoyed, I can live with it.
• However, 2 days ago I started spotting which freaked me out big time.  It’s been going on for 2 days pretty solid and the IVF nurses don’t seem too worried, but last night I worked myself into a good knot over it, since a cancelled cycle will be disastrous for me — I’m pretty sure the oncologist won’t approve another delay in the hysterectomy (and frankly I don’t want one, I’m nervous enough waiting this long knowing there is endometrial cancer lurking in my body).

What Dr. Google says :

• Dr Google (my favorite doctor of all) seems to agree with my IVF clinic that breakthrough bleeding on birth control pills is very common.  Lots of women going through IVF apparently have it, and it doesn’t usually seem to be a problem for going forward with the IVF.
• Since the new nurse and Dr Google agreed I think I will keep myself from calling my local doctor in a panic this morning (since he’s off Wednesdays and I’d have to see his colleague anyway).  I’ll wait until my US clinic opens and talk again to the nurse.  I’m pretty sure that tomorrow (or today if I can’t stand it) I’ll go have a blood test just to make sure the hormones are responding as they should do these pills.
• Even writing that I felt I should just go out and do the blood test, but it’s true that of the gazillion web pages I visited I didn’t really find anything saying it was a real problem, so I probably just need to calm down and be patient.  Right?

I admit to being pretty stressed about the whole situation.

• This IVF is pretty important to me because it’s the end of the road.  The last chance to have a baby that would be genetically mine and his.  If it doesn’t work we do have plans B, C & D, but I have a strong preference to have at least tried to have a baby with my own eggs (and my concession to the cancer : someone else’s uterus).
• I appreciate all your comments in the past weeks and months about how well I’m handling this, etc but honestly that varies a lot from day to day, and getting closer to the days of reckoning increase the stress enormously.
• Adding crazy hormonal drugs to the picture doesn’t help one bit.
• If I’m having neurotic outbursts just from the birth control pills, how will things be next week when the shots start?  The week after when even more shots get added?

One day at a time.

• I really don’t have a choice, but I’m going to just play this as it goes.  There is a quote I’ve liked for a long time that has particular meaning to me these past few months :
• “DON’T SUFFER FUTURE PAIN”
• Basically, don’t worry about what might be down the road.  Just deal with now.
• So now, today, I am keeping the ticker at 199 even though my scale wouldn’t agree.
• So now, today, I am not going to be my own doctor and go get a blood test - I’ll at least wait a few hours to talk to the nurse who hopefully will okay me going tomorrow morning (whew, that’s a hard one — but if I can hold the line another hour or two I think I’ll make it)
• So now, today, I am giving myself permission to be a little bit of a hormonal witch over the coming weeks

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I am still thinking about the names for the family blog for my gestational carrier journey (post below) — thanks for your suggestions, and please keep ‘em coming!