Round

That scale was beaten into submission these past few days. Seriously, I beat that scale senseless this week.

Finally the time of month bloating passed — it was not normal timing nor normal bloating (which of course makes sense, since I was doing IVF and they pumped me full of hormones). Finally late last week I started seeing 195-ish numbers and today the I got lucky and saw 194.

I suspect next week will be flat, but still I’m taking the 194, even if it is a one-day sneak preview. Puts me in the ’rounds to 190′ category, right?

I’m pretty happy that I’m losing again, and back to the numbers I saw in Denver.  I know the next few weeks with surgery weight loss won’t be on the top of my mind, but it’s nice to go into the medically-required slowdown knowing that I’ve been on a good path for a while, and that it’s definitely working.  Also all the mental beating-myself-up about my weight and body (which are always exacerbated when I’m in a hospital dependant on others) will be somewhat helped by the fact that in the past few months I’ve been quite successful in getting the weight off.

I was reading a bunch of posts this morning and it seems like there is a blogger’s virus of Bleh going around.  A lot of people seem stalled, or de-motivated, or somehow off track.

Of course there are a few machines that just keep on keeping on, and of course that’s impressive.

For the rest of us, it’s worth recognizing where we are to see if there is a way to take a pause, regroup, and then firmly re-commit.  It’s just over a month until the Holiday craziness starts with Thanksgiving, and we all know that the 6 weeks or so after Thanksgiving is a time when it’s incredibly easy to gain 10, 15, 20 or more pounds without even realizing it.  So the best treatment is prevention, and that’s why a Fall malaise right now is so dangerous.

I’m feeling pretty bleh myself, but my reasons are different.  I’m nervous about the hysterectomy I’m having in 3 weeks for endometrial cancer (well, right now it’s pre-cancer).  I’m worried they’ll find something bad, but of course intellectually I know that even that is treatable, survivable, but I’m still scared.  I’m scared of recovery.  I’m scared of being in the hospital.  I’m scared of feeling awful about myself being so overweight when I try to get out of bed and walk and all the humiliations of pre and post surgery (pubic shaving, catheters, bedpans, etc etc).  Both my sister & my mom will be here and somehow that’s making me more nervous and less confident.  Even though I know it will be a help to my husband (which is more important). 

So I need to focus on being positive and staying on track to feel as good as I can about myself going into the surgery, and we all need to focus on getting back on track solidly before the holidays come (no Thanksgiving in France, and this year being just a few weeks out of surgery I’m not doing Thanksgiving in Paris for friends).  

As regular readers might remember, my previous “stable” weight was around 195 for several years before I ballooned up to around 220 about 2 years ago.  I have TONS of clothes that fit at 195, and even more at 180 (where I was when I moved to France 6 years ago).  For a long time I kept my off season clothes as a jumbled mess of off-season PLUS not-fitting.

Changing seasons was always depressing, because I’d find these smaller clothes I liked mixed in, but no hope to wear them.

Finally this Spring when I changed out the Winter for the Summer I did a complete overhaul and actually made THREE types of boxes.  Some are labeled “Season”, some are “19.5″ and some are “1.8″.  My husband doesn’t need to be all up in my business about the scale or my sizes, but he does need to put the boxes up and down for me (so 19.5 is my vaguely-coded 195 and the 1.8 corresponds to 180).  Of course, the code is actually pretty good since my husband is French and therefore neither Pounds nor American Sizes mean anything to him - if it was in kilos or French sizes he’d catch on, but for him it’s actually meaningless.  I prefer it that way.

This was the first season I’ve used the new system, and it was a BREEZE.  Not only easier to change clothes (because fewer boxes to go through) but also none of the beating-myself-up bits about not fitting into something).

I finally accepted my weigh in this week at 197.  The scale has actually been touching on 195 in the past few weeks - inconsistently but it’s coming … The big thing is that I am having a hysterectomy in a few weeks, and I expect to have big-time belly bloat for several weeks after that — and who knows what my weight will do for the several weeks of recovery.  So I decided that celebrating getting to 195 will have to wait until I’m back at 195 AFTER the surgery (even if I manage to touch it briefly in the next week or two again).  Those 3 boxes of 19.5 will have to wait for me. But when I get in them, I will be CELEBRATING!

In the meantime, as usual, I’m all giddy about finding my off-season clothes again, having forgotten about a few items that I really like.  I’m better about retiring things now at the end of a season, because I’m always glad to see it around again a few months later, and it keeps the garments in better shape to not be worn 12 months a year.

A few weeks ago I made a goal to exercise 3 times a week.  This was after months of on and off (mostly off) exercise & knowing that exercise increased immune response & just generally makes one feel better & be healthier.  Still, adding in another daily to-do seemed like way too much stress, so I decided to only shoot for 3 times a week.

What a great way to start. With the exception of the IVF (where I was told NOT to exercise by my doc) I’ve been doing great for 3 weeks now, and in fact most weeks have managed 4 sessions not 3.  I look forward to the days when I make it to the gym (or have far away errands & decide to walk to and from). 

I’ve added some other good habits over the past few months too.  One of them has been increasing my tea consumption, especially green tea.  In fact, I generally start the day with black tea, then switch to green mid-day.  At first I was kind of choking down the green tea.  I’ve never been a fan, but it’s supposed to be SO HEALTHY especially for cancer so I decided to start.  To my great surprise I found a few weeks into it that I actually liked it.  A lot.  I’ve become something of a conoisseur, with about 6 varieties in my kitchen (and usually 2 or 3 bags in my purse).  I also found out that black tea is as good for you as green (even though green gets all the press).  In the afternoons & evenings I drink herbal teas, which I don’t think have too many health benefits, but are tasty and a good diversion from mindless snacking. 

Yesterday the tea drinking paid off.  We had a brunch.  One of those landmines of French eating — the guests brought both cookies and chocolate mousse.  My husband bought 3 kinds of croissants - and one of each for everyone.  We had juice, and I made smoothies.  Does there appear to be anything low carb on offer?  No.  Of course, I did have eggs in the fridge, but it’s always a bit awkward to eat other things than everyone else, and we hadn’t gotten organized enough to plan an egg dish, so I figured I’d let them start & offer eggs once things got going.  And I sat down with a big pot of tea.  (Which I take w cream).  I never got hungry, I just kept drinking the tea, then switched to the green tea (I’d made 2 pots of tea for the guests) and didn’t get hungry until an hour after everyone left (at which point I ate something low carb from the fridge).  It was the easiest brunch on a diet that I’ve had in France.  If I’m not dieting I eat the croissants and jam and butter like the rest of them, but when I am dieting it’s always a really hard battle between the goodies on offer and what I think I should be eating.  Finally I was able to enjoy the company without stressing about the food (because it was all off limits and I’m so into this low carb thing that breads & sugars don’t even tempt me). 

The other night my husband was working late and I was feeling lazy so I decided to try the new Vietnamese restaurant that just took over the space of my beloved butcher in our neighborhood.  The appropriate 3 months of mourning the loss of such a great shop had passed, and I’ve always been a sucker for the delicate subtle flavors of Vietnamese cuisine.

One of the best things is the big bowl of soup - phô.  Normally it’s a huge bowl full of noodles and broth and slices of meat, onions, cilantro and a few herbs.  I asked for mine without noodles and had to explain myself a few times (France is not a country where they are used to people making substitutions on menu items, in particularly if such items are considered the basis of the food itself).  After hearing an unhappy cook yammering on in Vietnamese for a few minutes, I did get it. 

It was SO GOOD.  Oh gosh I dont know what kinds of spices they put into that broth, but it’s just amazing.  The slices of beef cooked in the broth, the herbs danced on my tongue, I completely enjoyed it.  I didnt in the least miss the noodles (although I’d have liked some slices of lemon & jalepeno like I’ve had in the States, but when in Rome…)

As I was eating it I kept thinking I should stop and take a picture but just couldn’t bear to part with my spoon for the few seconds it would have taken, and then as I approached the end of the bowl I thought it would be kind of yucky to look at someone’s almost-gone bowl of soup…

So I’ve included a picture from the internet (I managed to find a picture that looked a lot like mine, as the noodles are hidden under the meat & onions)

Update from our IVF : I made a dozen eggs!  That’s a pretty good response for anyone, let alone for a 41 year old chick.  All fertilized, but only 9 fertilized normally (still, 75% is a good rate).  All were in good shape on Day 3 and they froze them all. Yippee! 

We also met with our gestational carrier (surrogate) and her husband and really feel this is a good match.  Both sides seem really happy to go on this adventure together.   Next steps will be working out a lot of the insurance issues, finalizing the elements for the contract, and most importantly, getting her medical evaluation (this in December).  If all moves smoothly we could be doing a transfer in February or March.  There is a lot to do between then and now to get ready, but I’m approaching it like a big complex project.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts & support.  It meant a lot to me to have so many people rooting for us, and clearly it paid off!

On the diet front, as planned I stuck to the low carb way of eating for the most part.  I had ice cream 3 times and twice had meals where carbs snuck in (once Mexican, once a nice restaurant) but was quite reasonable overall and am right back on it.  My weight looked like it was down a bit, but now that I’m bloated from all the progesterone after the medically-induced ovulation it’s hard to tell.  I’ll weigh in officially next Monday (although I’ll be pre-menstrual & still bloated) but should have a good idea of where my weight really is on October 19th.  The good news is that even on the days where the scale moves up, I’m still solidly in Onederland. The scale hasn’t moved above 200 for even one day in over a month!

I’ve been sticking to my low carb eating successfully this trip, not even with stress or regret.  This is despite being back in my hometown, with, of course, all the hometown temptations.

But there are lots of ways to make Mexican low carb as long as you avoid the rice, beans & tortiallas, so that’s been okay.  I’ve even managed to take my husband to a favorite bakery just for him, and also to a smoothie place, just for him.

I did have 3/4 of a peice of pecan cinnnamon swirl bread (whole wheat) yesterday morning because I wanted my carb counts up for a urinanlysis & blood tests at my doctors office because I didn’t want to get into a discussion about my diet.  I slathered it with butter to cut any blood sugar spike and while I was happy to have the taste and texture of bread in my mouth for a few minutes, it was really clear to me that I didn’t miss it so much, and that I wouldn’t even finish the slice I took with me.  No carb cravings later on either, so I think I portioned it just right…  (By the way, when I hit weight maintenance mode I’ll be able to eat stuff like this in this kind of controlled way a few times a week).

Last night I had a craving for pizza.  Actually my pizza craving has been growing for weeks, but last night was screaming, and we were in Denver & one of my childhood faves - Beaujo’s Pizza was on my mind.  This pizza is incredibly thick and they serve honey with the pizza so you can leave your crusts and eat them w honey for dessert.  It was perfect. Because it’s so thick I was able to eat just the top of the pie and throw away the crust, and feel completely, totally satisfied.

Everything is progressing well here (although my husband will be very glad to have the injectable hormones behind us– I’m pretty emotional & sometimes a wee bit sensitive & irrational).

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REPEATING UNTIL THESE 2 WEEKS ARE OVER :

*** On another subject, for those who pray, or send wishes to the universe, or good thoughts etc, I would very much appreciate al the good will you can throw my way over then next 2 or so weeks as we go through the IVF egg collection.  I am taking the stimulation drugs now and sometime early October they should be going in to get the eggs and make the embryos, which we will then freeze to use with a gestational surrogate because I have to have the hysterectomy for the endometrial cancer.  So we’re making snowbabies right now, and all your well wishes are much appreciated.  ***

Yesterday was a full day of flying.

I had the presence of mind to buy sliced cheese and salami to take with me on the flight, which was a lifesaver (well, diet-saver) because the meals were not low carb at all and I doubt I’d have made it through the 22 hours of travel without diving into something carby without them.  I did have time to grab a salad & quiche combo to eat on the second plane, but knowing that I was prepared put me in good shape to head into another trip to the US full of temptations.  But I’ll be okay and able to stick to low-carbing while I’m here — I am anxious to get that scale below 195 and that’s been good motivation for me recently.

On the flight we had tons of options of movies to watch but I had brought the book I was reading and another that was almost 400 pages that I figured I’d only attack on a long trip, and I ended up reading pretty much the whole way.  In all I read about 500 pages on the various flights - finished the second book this morning waiting at the doctors office.  It felt much more satisfying to have read 2 good books on the flights instead of watching a bunch of lame-brained movies that I didn’t particularly want to see (I did look through the films to see if there was anything I had really wanted to catch, but there wasn’t).

The worst part of the flights was having to do my shots in the airplane bathroom.  Cramped, dirty, etc. I had to find surfaces to put the supplies, cover them all w paper towels, rewash my hands, and do 2 types of shots.  About 8 people knocked on the door while I was in there, which didn’t help my stress at all.  I broke not one, but two ampoules for my shots - shattered the tops between my fingers instead of neatly snapping off the glass tops, and had my fingers bleeding all over me, my jeans, the syringe while I was trying to inject.  Really awful.  Knock knock…  I got the shots done, maybe a little less thorough than usual about getting every drop out of the vials.  Then tried to clean up the mess, getting the glass shards out of my jeans first, then trying to get them off the floor, then trying to clean up the blood.  The cleanup part was worse than the shots I think because when I first started bleeding I kept myself calm to get through the shots and figured after that I could deal with anything.  I was shaking I was so anxious by the time I got back to my seat.  I was really grateful the second plane was on time and I was able to do the evening set of shots in the rental car bathroom instead of in the plane.

Anyway, we got here just fine, and even made it to the gym today.  My mom is a member at this gym and they were really nice and told my husband & I that we can use it for free all week.  Sweet.

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REPEATING UNTIL THESE 2 WEEKS ARE OVER :

*** On another subject, for those who pray, or send wishes to the universe, or good thoughts etc, I would very much appreciate al the good will you can throw my way over then next 2 or so weeks as we go through the IVF egg collection.  I am taking the stimulation drugs now and sometime early October they should be going in to get the eggs and make the embryos, which we will then freeze to use with a gestational surrogate because I have to have the hysterectomy for the endometrial cancer.  So we’re making snowbabies right now, and all your well wishes are much appreciated.  ***

The weight where I stabilized for most of the 6 years I’ve been in Paris is 195.  If I was being really honest I’d admit that I was +/- a few pounds of 195 in fact.

I had one pair of great-fitting excellent black pants that fit better at 190 than they did at 195 but didn’t really work above 195 at all.  Those pants were starting to be worn and although I bought a few things to replace them I never really found the perfect black pants that they were (or are, they’re still here in storage).

When my weight creeped up 2 years ago I found another pair of black pants.  Ones that are extremely forgiving of weight fluctuations, they look okay when they’re …er… fuller, and they drape well when I’m smaller.  They’ve been my wardrobe workhorse now for a long time, although when I went above 215 they didn’t work again (yes, I have black pants for the 215-220 range too).  But these Black Pants have been a year-round staple for about 2 years.

Today, getting ready for a really hectic day of medical and financial appointments running all over, I instictively reached for them.  And putting them on realized they were, in fact, too big.

Now, these are the ‘bigger’ black pants (but not the biggEST).  I found in my closet one of the pairs of pants intended to replace my 195 favorites and they fit — not great, they’ll be better in a few pounds, but definitely passable (but these pants won’t make the cut as the replacement to the Great Black Pants That Are Wearing Out).  I tried on 3 other pair of pants that had been unthinkably tight, then looked at the clock and ran out the door.  In nice brown pants that I bought last February as ‘inspiration’ as they didn’t fit at all (am I the only one who does this?).

Bottom line? I’m shrinking!  I’m fitting back into my smaller clothes.  Those boxes marked ‘195′ in my closet will contain TONS of stuff that will fit and look good.  I’m going to spend my money on shoes and cashmere sweaters while I’m in the US since I’ll find plenty of clothes when I come home and soon reach that 195 mark.

How cool is that?

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REPEATING UNTIL THESE 2 WEEKS ARE OVER :

*** On another subject, for those who pray, or send wishes to the universe, or good thoughts etc, I would very much appreciate al the good will you can throw my way over then next 2 or so weeks as we go through the IVF egg collection.  I am taking the stimulation drugs now and sometime early October they should be going in to get the eggs and make the embryos, which we will then freeze to use with a gestational surrogate because I have to have the hysterectomy for the endometrial cancer.  So we’re making snowbabies right now, and all your well wishes are much appreciated.  ***

I’m not very focused on the numbers these days, but somehow I couldn’t let this one slip by without some celebration.  As my weight has slipped down pretty solidly into the 197 range I can safely say that I’ve now lost 10% of my body weight.

This was one of my Big Milestones.

I found an article that listed the benefis of 10% weight loss (apologies, I just cut out these points, I don’t know where it was from) :

1. A fall in premature death by about 20-25%
2. A fall in diabetes-related death of about 30%
3. A fall in obesity-related cancers by about 40% –> more on this below
4. A fall in blood pressure of about 10/20 mmHg
5. A fall of 50% in the risk of developing diabetes
6. A fall in glucose levels of about 30-50%
7. A fall in total cholesterol of about 10%
8. A fall in LDL cholesterol (bad cholesterol) of about 15%
9. A fall in triglycerides of about 30%
10. A rise in protective HDL of about 8%

Pretty impressive, isn’t it?  And a 10% weight loss is not a HUGE number for anybody.  Even if you start over 300 pounds it’s a manageable number of pounds.

It doesn’t happen overnight, but I’m a poster girl for the slow and steady (and pushing through plateaus) approach.  It’s taken me about 24 weeks - I’ve averaged about a pound a week, which is probably the fastest I’ve ever lost — I’m a slow loser in general (although carb restriction seems to make me lose faster than low cal or low fat did).

THE NOTE for #4 above : As you know, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer about 3 months ago.  Endometrial cancer is highly correlated with obesity.  I’ve been through a period of blaming myself and beating myself up about my weight causing this, but the truth is that I’ll never know why I got this cancer (there are lots of the younger women who are diagnosed who are of normal weight, and most obese women won’t ever get it).  Life is not so simple as cause and effect.  Lots of nasty people seem to live charmed lives, and lots of nice people seem to live through one bad thing after another.  Also risk reduction in medical data is always a strange concept — it’s based on overall populations and general risk pools, not on YOU as an individual.  Your own family and personal history can throw the “general” stats out the window.  In addition, as my oncologist said (talking about recurrence), that talking in percentages can be misleading for people who want to avoid a certain treatments, because as an individual you either recur or you don’t.  So you either are 0% or 100% but you don’t get to live with some nice percentage risk reduction.  It’s a scary thought, but actually pretty helpful.  (Part of the reason we are choosing this complicated path of IVF egg collection, embryo freezing, gestational surrogacy & hysterectomy is to keep my cancer recurrence risk at the 0% level.)

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REPEATING UNTIL THESE 2 WEEKS ARE OVER :

*** On another subject, for those who pray, or send wishes to the universe, or good thoughts etc, I would very much appreciate al the good will you can throw my way over then next 2 or so weeks as we go through the IVF egg collection.  I am taking the stimulation drugs now and sometime early October they should be going in to get the eggs and make the embryos, which we will then freeze to use with a gestational surrogate because I have to have the hysterectomy for the endometrial cancer.  So we’re making snowbabies right now, and all your well wishes are much appreciated.  ***