Round

Focusing on eating healthy and getting a small amount of exercise has been a good distraction from a really awful period in my life. I’m still going through a miscarriage, and now am bleeding way too much and the doctor just gave me new drugs which are supposed to stop the bleeding. I thank those of you who’ve left comments on the miscarriage - it’s really an awful experience to go through, both emotionally and physically. I wish my body was having an easier time dealing with it - this week has been really tough.

I am really feeling very optimistic though about moving into a new way to manage my weight.

During the weeks I was pregnant I was being very careful about nutrition and I found it very peaceful and centered to think about how much vitamin C, iron, calcium, etc I was getting instead of calories and fat or carb grams. That focus on nutrition has been something I’m trying to keep in the forefront of my mind now, because it was easy and not very stressful - and leads automatically to good choices. Feeling hungry, need a snack? Hmmm calcium is low, maybe I should have a yogurt. For dessert? I haven’t had much vit C, so maybe some kiwi or pineapple.

I’m aware that I’m psychologically fragile right now - that I could drop this at any time, or turn to it as a crutch. But the truth is I’ve been managing my weight actively for over 5 years now (and overweight & guilty about it for much , much longer). The resolve to find a way to do this weight-management thing without stress has been something I’ve been committed to for a while — well before my miscarriage, and clearly expressed since my back problems earlier this year.

I’ve always lost weight in the past by being a maniac about it. Now that I’m in a great relationship, sane job, and have plenty of outside interests I am just not willing to make my life about my weight. I lived for a long time ignoring my weight (which is how I got so big). Then I lived quite a while doing nothing but my weight and my job (gym before work, after work, spreadsheets of inches lost, nutrition databases, etc etc). Now I need to find the balance — less obsession, less struggle, and eventually, less weight.

Well, it’s the same thinking as on other posts here, but I wanted to express my gratitude for having this place to turn to for feeling positive about the future.

Today I had a doctor’s appointment I made quite a while ago, well before I’d decided to re-start. My doc had noticed the weight I’d gained since my back surgery and was none too pleased, and gave me the name of a “nutritionniste” which is a diet doctor - but a real M.D.

I was grumbling to myself the whole way over there - I’d met with 2 other docs of this type since arriving in France, one who tried to get me to go on a liquid protein diet (and this at my low weight!) and another who I did work with for a few months who gave me a very rigid diet that excluded oatmeal and some other healthy stuff. Since right now I’m feeling both motivated and relaxed, I was quite resistant but figured one appointment wouldn’t hurt anything, so I went.

I am going to call her Dr. Hope. Because she was calm, kind, relaxed, reassuring. Among the nutrition and medical books on her shelves were several titles such as “maigrir sans regime” (lose weight without dieting).

As I told her my weight history, my current diet etc she saw quickly one of the big issues. I am way too stressed about food. I don’t enjoy it enough, I am not relaxed around it, I don’t treat it “normally”. So I am allowed to eat whatever I want, but I need to enjoy it. I have a few homework assignments (which I think I’ll actually do as blog entries), and one of them is to watch the movie Ratatouille (apparently there is a mouse who talks about eating slowly and enjoying it).

She told me that obviously I know nutrition and what foods are good to eat, but that I have put too many labels on foods (Good vs Bad, etc). Her objective is that I re-find balance in my relationship with food, and that within that slowly the weight will come off. She told me she is not focused on rapid weight loss.

Yippee! I feel like I have found a real support in this woman, and what’s odd is that had I met her at other times in my life I would have dismissed her as a crackpot who wasn’t serious enough about my weight. She didn’t even weigh me, people!

Losing weight is hard.

Somehow that fact gets lost or hidden among all the fancy media and diet industry. It’s always “lose weight the easy way” and “isn’t it a shame…” discussions about obesity.

When I have managed to lose weight it is always with enormous effort and focus. Almost an obsession in my life, often crowding out other interests. I have been successful with this approach at multiple periods of my life . A kitchen stocked to the gills with whole foods and fresh fruits & veggies with nary a junk food in site (nor in hiding). A workout schedule that has me at the gym almost every free moment of the week, and sore more days than not. Material to keep me motivated all over the house (books! magazines! websites!). You get the picture.

This approach has worked for me several times to lose a significant amount of weight (see my About Round page).

But this approach is no longer what I want, and it’s no longer compatible with my life. I am not willing to make my weight the center of my life anymore — for good or for bad. That means my diet plan needs to fit my life now, not what I did before, when I made my life fit my diet.

Being healthy is a big priority in my life - definitely in the top 3. Nurturing my marriage and my husband, friendships and other interests are all important to me too. I have a relatively demanding job which most of the time I really like. Losing weight needs to fit into this context now.

Over the past few years, where I have learned to manage my weight within a certain range (although it is higher than I’d like) I’ve still tended to cycle through obsessed and free-for-all periods, instead of a healthy middle ground.

My pursuit of Zen Weight Management began about 9 months ago, after some gentle teasing from my husband (who is very supportive of weight loss efforts, but less supportive of my mono-mania). I was counting every calorie in and out, and frustrated by the slow progress of the scale. I was making myself feel miserable about the process and my results. Slowly, I came to see that the pressure I was putting on myself was crazy. My husband and then later my doctor both made the same suggestion a few weeks apart - to make a few smaller changes and lose a small amount of weight slowly, like 10 pounds a year.

I have never managed my weight this way - but it is incredibly appealing to me now. Cut out the highs (free-for-all eating) and cut out the lows (very strict dieting & crazy gym schedules). I’ve had some experience with this in my 5 year maintenance period for my current weight - I would say I have spent more of my time maintaining than in the gain-lose cycle. There are certain things I just don’t do anymore that have become my rules of eating - I don’t drink my calories (occasional glass of wine excluded), I don’t eat fast food, I don’t eat fried anything, I don’t keep ice cream in the house, I don’t eat dessert every day, I eat lots of fruit & vegetables, etc.

My goal for my upcoming weight loss (in September) is to do it Zen. It will be a big challenge, because the only way I’ve ever done it is Stressed. Just because one approach has worked for me in the past doesn’t mean another approach won’t work in the future, and if my last diet attempt taught me anything, it was that. And if it takes a while? So what.