Round

My doc’s office was back today and they were so much more efficient and professional than the GYNs who’ve been following me, it was amazing. No waiting for more tests, they sent me today to have them done. But the answer isn’t what I wanted to hear, the blood test today was more than double last week and so it is almost certainly an ectopic pregnancy. I have a special type of ultrasound scheduled on Wednesday morning with some kind of sub-specialized radiologist to confirm the diagnosis (and, I presume, set the treatment ball in motion).

I also have an appointment to see my doc next Monday, his first day back, which means his secretary really thinks it’s important, because she is a pit bull with his schedule.

Of course, this all comes during a busy time at work - I’m at a week-long conference about 75minutes from Paris where I am running a part of the meeting and of course responsible for my team, but I’m not letting that get in the way.  I’ll miss dinner tomorrow night and all the morning on Wednesday, a colleague will take my team with hers for the morning.

It’s hard coming up with credible and not-too-lying excuses but I’m just worn out by the worry and that is not one I’m adding to my list.  I told my boss I had a medical appointment I had to have at that time, no context, no explanation beyond that, and with everyone else I’ll be even more vague, just saying I have some personal business.

Meanwhile today I kept a food diary for the first time in ages - with calories and all (always such an eye-opener).  And the scale was kind, down 1, which I needed to see because I was really feeling like I didn’t much care these past few days, and that helped me back into action.

This whole thing is harder on me than I’m liking to admit.  I keep trying to stay level-headed and calm about it all, but in reality I want to cry and scream and rant at the unfairness of it all.  I try to keep it together for myself and those around me — for myself to not fall into a pit of depression, and for my husband to show that I’m really trying to be “logical” and move forward.  But there are moments when that seems damn near impossible, and right now as I’m writing this is one.  Going to pick up my stepson from school today (which I did as a “favor” although I didn’t exactly volunteer) felt hard.  And I love the kid, and 99% of the time I am happy he is there, but today having to be face to face with the fact that my DH already has a child and me not being sure I ever will…. well, it was hard.

No title I can come up with seems adequate, so I won’t even try.

As I wrote a few weeks ago, we’ve been on vacation - one of those indulgent, generous, long French holidays I couldn’t even fathom when I was living in the US. That is the main reason I haven’t been writing recently (I had very difficult internet access for 3 weeks) but it’s not the only reason.

I’ve tried to keep this blog focused mainly on my weight - I’d like to say on my weight-loss, but it would be more accurate to say my weight-maintenance. As such, when other parts of my life become more important than my weight I’m conflicted on whether or not to share that here. Well, right now the major thing going on in my life is not about my weight but as it’s a stressful situation, I could easily turn to my sure-fire comfort, food, at any moment, so I feel the need to return to blogging right now.

I’ve mentioned a few times that we are trying to have a baby and that it’s been a struggle — I had a miscarriage last Fall and this year has been full of many medical procedures that haven’t worked yet. In June we finally moved into the ‘big guns’ stage and started IVF. I spent a few weeks on medication that made me bitchy and itchy, then went on to stimulation medications, ultimately getting 6 fertilized embryos, of which 3 were transferred (3 are frozen). All the intensive medical procedures happened in the week before vacation, and the vacation itself was full of waiting to see if it worked or not… At least I couldn’t obsess about every twinge and minor symptom on the internet.

At the official test day I didn’t feel pregnant the way I did last Fall, and I wasn’t surprised to see the blood test come back negative (although that didn’t stop me from crying because I was extremely disappointed). I stopped taking the medication that helps an embryo implant, and 2 days later my period came as expected. End of Chapter One.

Begin Chapter Two — my period was on the light side of normal, but normal it was. Except the end, in which it just seemed to have the end of the period drag on and on and on. A week later I was really tired of the irregular bleeding and occasional severe cramps, and decided to call my doctor. Since it’s August in France everyone is on vacation, so to save some headache on a lark I took a home pregnancy test on Sunday and it was positive. This was 10 days after my period started, and took me a bit by shock - I really took it to be able to tell the doctor that I’d ruled that out.

The next day I took another blood test - positive, but low (75, for those who know about these kinds of things). Yesterday I saw a gynecologist who is covering for my doctor who did an ultrasound and was able to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (at least one that would date from the IVF) and he was also able to confirm that my uterus is not empty, there is something in there. He actually thinks that it’s likely to have happened naturally from a secondary ovulation and not from the IVF embryos, but in any event it is a super-rare situation.

In all likelihood this is another miscarriage - I’ve been spotting since August 1st, and my hormone level is well below that of a healthy pregnancy. Today I took a second test and the number was 92, which is nowhere close to doubling (healthy pregnancies double the hormone every 48 hours) and yet it’s also not decreasing (as would be expected in a miscarriage).

Obviously, this situation is my major preoccupation every hour of every day. I am trying to maintain a tiny degree of hope while preparing myself for the most likely situation of a non-viable pregnancy. Meanwhile I am trying to live normally, and I am eating well and exercising fairly regularly, and we are still leaving tomorrow for the last part of our vacation in Lorraine, France. Monday it’s back to work.

If anyone can include me & this struggling little potential life inside me in your good thoughts, wishes or prayers I’d be most appreciative.

I am horrified with my current weight and how I feel and look.  And yet instead of taking action to correct it, I seem to be further sabotaging myself.  I have eaten pastries, cakes, bread and butter and oh so many other fattening things these past weeks.

I have stocked up on healthy foods too - and I generally am eating those as well.  I’m just plain old overeating in all senses.

I’m also feeling horribly out of shape.  I mean, I am horribly out of shape and I’m really feeling it.  I’m starting to dread when I have to go up 2 flights of stairs in my house.  I stopped going to the gym a year ago when my sciatica came on, and I haven’t been back, but I’m starting to think I’m going to re-join.  Clearly not working out is not helping me.  But that’s a goal for the future - I can’t even imagine where I can find the time or the energy to get to the gym.  But I think I remember feeling more energetic not more tired after working out, and especially when I worked out regularly.

For today I am going to try to be in control of my eating, and eat with the intention to lose weight.  I hope to post with good news tomorrow.

We are going away for the weekend and while packing last night I tried on my 2 biggest pairs of jeans. Neither of them fit, nor did the black cords which were too baggy last winter. All were buttonable but skin-tight and uncomfortable.

It is so frustrating, I am so mad at myself for getting back here.

My husband was really nice, he walked in as I was wrangling with pair #2 and he told me that I shouldn’t do that to myself and that undoubtably it was the dryer’s fault. (Uh, he’s put on a few pounds too these past months!) I took the one pair of black casual pants that fit, and some yoga pants with me. Ugh.

And it’s true that I am still affected by the pregnancy/miscarriage (confirmed yesterday by the doctor that all is not back to normal yet), and still have the pregnancy hormones bloating my everythings (boobs, belly, waist, etc), and still wreaking havok on my digestive system. Apparently this could go on another 2 weeks or longer.

Funny how a few months ago I was super-upset with myself for weighing 185, and today I see that as a far-away target weight.

It is so hard to come back on here after a major backslide. In many ways it would be easier to just start a new blog, new story. But the hardest part is probably finding my way here at all, and I am feeling the need to be honest.

I have ballooned up to 202 pounds as of a few weeks ago. I haven’t weighed since, but I’m guessing nothings changed, because my clothes are all too tight. I’ve been trying to eat healthy since Monday. I am only committing myself to 2 weeks of this right now, then we’ll see what I can handle.

I have had the most bittersweet year imaginable. Full of incredible joy and terrible suffering. In all, I guess the joy outweighs, but it hasn’t been at all what I’d hoped.

JOY : I got married to a wonderful, fabulous man whom I’ve known for 3 years now. We were able to have our families and friends with us to celebrate the wedding and at 2 great parties. We went on a great honeymoon to Greece. We’ve been through a lot together (sufferings, coming up) and it’s made our relationship richer and stronger. Just after our honeymoon I got a long-awaited POSITIVE pregnancy test.

SUFFERING : I had severe, debilitating sciatica just weeks before my wedding, and I was heavily drugged and in a lot of pain through my wedding, had to postpone our honeymoon, and ended up having surgery a week later. My husband has had several bouts of severe abdominal pain which has resulted in 2 hospitalizations and a lot of tests, but no answers. Finally, our joy of finally being pregnant was followed a few weeks later with the devastation of a miscarriage. That was last week, and my emotions are still reeling.

So, I’m trying to pick up and move on, trying to stop the weight spiral because it’s just making me feel worse about everything else. Trying to take it one day at a time, trying to keep stress to a minimum.

I am living in France.

I started watching my weight again at 194 pounds, about 4 months ago.

I am recovering from back surgery (lumbar discectomy for sciatica).

I am not allowed to exercise until September, except walking 30 minutes at a time.

I am trying to maintain my weight around 183 during this injury & recovery period.

I am considering those 11 pounds PERMANENTLY gone.

I am someone who is both on the journey to a healthy weight, and also simultaneously living as both a victory and a failure.

My victory : I successfully and permanently lost around 60 pounds (high weight of 250+, where I lived for all of my 20’s and then some). I have successfully maintained my weight below 195 for the past 4 years. For this accomplishment, I am a member of the National Weight Control Registry.

My failure : I never achieved my ultimate weight loss goal of 150 pounds. I briefly touched 163, but quickly regained 20 pounds upon taking an international transfer with my company. Since 2004 my weight has been +/- 5 pounds of 190.

My journey : I learned a TON about weight loss & weight control over the years. I know things that work for me, and things that don’t. I don’t always put that knowledge to use. I have learned a relatively ‘healthy lifestyle’ approach that works without too much difficulty to maintain my weight at around 190. I have not been successful in shedding more than about 15-20 pounds since I’ve been in France, and each time I’ve lost, I have always regained.

My motivation : I would like to be at a lower weight for health reasons (long term disease prevention, short term back health & fertility) and also for ‘ease of living’ reasons (buying clothes in normal sizes in this country of SMALL women). I want to be happy with myself & see the beauty of myself at all sizes.

I have been fat all of my life, and have some deep-seated emotional issues around my body image & self-love. I do not think it is a coincidence that I found True Love only after I had done major work on my body — I became more confident and accepting of myself as I lost weight and kept it off, which allowed me to be open to love in my life. I am recently married.