Round

Well, these past few days have still been no fun.

Things came to a head on Wednesday. After a test at a specialist to confirm an ectopic pregnancy (where she could see nothing) my blood tests still refused to drop. I went back to work at our offsite meeting (I’d taken the train 60 min each way back to Paris to do the tests). My doctor’s office called with all the results and said they wanted me to go ahead with the treatment for an ectopic pregnancy, which is an injection of methotrexate. I recruited a colleague/friend who is a physician to give me the shot, but when we went to the pharmacy we found they didn’t stock it and we’d have to pick it up the next day. Later that evening I had strong abdominal pain (which I hadn’t had all through this process, including when I saw the radiologist in the morning for the ultrasound) and 2 hours later I found I was bleeding.   Not wanting to be stupid, I went to the ER.

The ER of course took hours, as I wasn’t bleeding heavily and I had a full folder of my exams of the past weeks with me, and there were more urgent patients than me.  When I was finally seen they ran all the blood work to make sure the liver and kidneys were okay for methotrexate and kept me overnight (this is France, in the US no way would I have been admitted!).  The next day yet another ultrasound (still nothing visible) and bloods and then they gave me the shot.  My husband had flown back from a business trip and was there to pick me up when they were ready to release me, and we’ve been home since.

The methotrexate has me cramping and bleeding lightly, with a very tender abdomen and pain that is pretty strong coming in waves and when I move.  I almost asked the nurse if I’d be able to go swimming this weekend, but that seems so ridiculous to me right now when I can’t even sit at the table for 30 minutes without severe discomfort, and walking around the house is hard.

I had some comfort eating yesterday — bread and butter upon returning home, and then pasta at dinner and a big bowl of ice cream later.  I think all things considered that’s not too bad, and today my husband went to the market and bought a TON of fresh fruits and veggies so today’s food has been much better.  I actually don’t have too much of an appetite, but I am me — meaning I often turn to food when I’m bored or stressed, and now I’m both (stuck at home,  immobile and in physical pain, and the emotional pain and drain from this whole process).  Still, I will not let myself gain weight even with such a good excuse.  I did that last year after my miscarriage and haven’t been able to get the pounds off, and I can really not afford to compound that problem further.

Thanks so much for all the supportive comments you’ve given me these past few days.

My emotions, my motivation, my diet and my body keep going back and forth.

The miscarriage seems to be largely over, except my blood test was still elevated this week, meaning things aren’t back to normal yet.

My emotions seem largely under control, except when out of the blue I start to cry or just get very sad.

My motivation to exercise comes and goes, as I’ve mainly felt like swimming but my body isn’t always cooperating to allow that to be a good option.

Similarly, the diet.  Huge cravings for fruit, veg and water, followed by cravings for starch and sugar.

In short, I think I’m doing pretty darn well considering what a hellish few weeks this has been, but it’s far too early and I’m far too fragile to beat myself up over slip-ups.

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of support and virtual hugs.  I bled heavily over the weekend so I’m pretty sure I completed the miscarriage (I have some testing at the end of the week to confirm).  I’m sad, but also relieved to be out of the awful limbo-land.  And ready to move on.

This week I have a few days of a meeting at a hotel, and a lot of work to catch up on, as last week I’d planned on doing a bunch of stuff that various medical appointments and my incredibly distracted mind just didn’t allow me to get to.  Most of that stuff now can’t wait any longer…

I am feeling like one of the things that will make me feel best is to take really good care of myself - eating healthy foods, cooking, dieting, exercising. I am not about to look that gift horse in the mouth or second-guess myself on this topic, so I’m going with it.

The scale is unmoved since before our vacation (at 210) and I’m setting a goal to get below 200 by the end of October. I rarely make time-based goals about my weight, but I’m really sick and tired of being solidly in this weight range, and I didn’t set a timeline that is too aggressive.

I’ll be updating more regularly again, and I think I’ll integrate my TTC (Trying To Conceive) issues into the future of my endeavors.

Focusing on eating healthy and getting a small amount of exercise has been a good distraction from a really awful period in my life. I’m still going through a miscarriage, and now am bleeding way too much and the doctor just gave me new drugs which are supposed to stop the bleeding. I thank those of you who’ve left comments on the miscarriage - it’s really an awful experience to go through, both emotionally and physically. I wish my body was having an easier time dealing with it - this week has been really tough.

I am really feeling very optimistic though about moving into a new way to manage my weight.

During the weeks I was pregnant I was being very careful about nutrition and I found it very peaceful and centered to think about how much vitamin C, iron, calcium, etc I was getting instead of calories and fat or carb grams. That focus on nutrition has been something I’m trying to keep in the forefront of my mind now, because it was easy and not very stressful - and leads automatically to good choices. Feeling hungry, need a snack? Hmmm calcium is low, maybe I should have a yogurt. For dessert? I haven’t had much vit C, so maybe some kiwi or pineapple.

I’m aware that I’m psychologically fragile right now - that I could drop this at any time, or turn to it as a crutch. But the truth is I’ve been managing my weight actively for over 5 years now (and overweight & guilty about it for much , much longer). The resolve to find a way to do this weight-management thing without stress has been something I’ve been committed to for a while — well before my miscarriage, and clearly expressed since my back problems earlier this year.

I’ve always lost weight in the past by being a maniac about it. Now that I’m in a great relationship, sane job, and have plenty of outside interests I am just not willing to make my life about my weight. I lived for a long time ignoring my weight (which is how I got so big). Then I lived quite a while doing nothing but my weight and my job (gym before work, after work, spreadsheets of inches lost, nutrition databases, etc etc). Now I need to find the balance — less obsession, less struggle, and eventually, less weight.

Well, it’s the same thinking as on other posts here, but I wanted to express my gratitude for having this place to turn to for feeling positive about the future.

Several years ago I lost a significant amount of weight, qualifying me to join the National Weight Control Registry. I am proud of the fact that I have kept of *most* of the weight I lost, and I am proud to be a member of this group of people who have lost weight and kept it off.

So in today’s mail what do I receive, the 3-year on questionnaire. How are you doing? Where is your weight now? What are you eating? Uhhh, where is the nearest rock for me to climb under? Until 3 months ago I was EXTREMELY PROUD of having kept my weight around 185 for years. I am at my HEAVIEST right now (or heaviest in over 5 years anyway), and I pushed into a range I thought I would never see again - out of Onederland and into the 200’s. 202 to be exact (although that was 3 weeks ago, and I think the slap of reality has probably shaved a digit or two off of that).

But for research sake I completed the questionnaire, warts and all. It’s no use to the researchers to have lies, and I’m sure I’m not the only member to have had a relapse. All that info is important to them figuring out how people are (or are not) successful. And the glass can also be seen as half-full : I am still PERMANENTLY down 50 pounds.

There was one question which really made me think. My answer today was the honest truth of the past few years, but a change in the answer could be a real help for me.

“How much would a weight fluctuation of 5 lbs affect the way you live your life”

___Not at all

___Slightly

___Moderately

___Very much

Today I checked “Not at All” because reality is, I knew I was gaining and I didn’t do much about it. Because it’s only a small fluctuation.

But what if I think of my weight in 5 pound increments, and each number being a firm line to not cross over again? As soon as my weight gets into the 190-194 range, that would mean ACTION if the needle moves above 195. Not a bad way to think of it, and it should help me to maintain.

It is so hard to come back on here after a major backslide. In many ways it would be easier to just start a new blog, new story. But the hardest part is probably finding my way here at all, and I am feeling the need to be honest.

I have ballooned up to 202 pounds as of a few weeks ago. I haven’t weighed since, but I’m guessing nothings changed, because my clothes are all too tight. I’ve been trying to eat healthy since Monday. I am only committing myself to 2 weeks of this right now, then we’ll see what I can handle.

I have had the most bittersweet year imaginable. Full of incredible joy and terrible suffering. In all, I guess the joy outweighs, but it hasn’t been at all what I’d hoped.

JOY : I got married to a wonderful, fabulous man whom I’ve known for 3 years now. We were able to have our families and friends with us to celebrate the wedding and at 2 great parties. We went on a great honeymoon to Greece. We’ve been through a lot together (sufferings, coming up) and it’s made our relationship richer and stronger. Just after our honeymoon I got a long-awaited POSITIVE pregnancy test.

SUFFERING : I had severe, debilitating sciatica just weeks before my wedding, and I was heavily drugged and in a lot of pain through my wedding, had to postpone our honeymoon, and ended up having surgery a week later. My husband has had several bouts of severe abdominal pain which has resulted in 2 hospitalizations and a lot of tests, but no answers. Finally, our joy of finally being pregnant was followed a few weeks later with the devastation of a miscarriage. That was last week, and my emotions are still reeling.

So, I’m trying to pick up and move on, trying to stop the weight spiral because it’s just making me feel worse about everything else. Trying to take it one day at a time, trying to keep stress to a minimum.