Round

So yesterday I went to see my doctor for the post-game wrapup session. The surgical report, see how everything is healing up. Oh yeah, find out about the pathology report which I’ve been trying so hard not to obsess about over the past 2 weeks post-surgery.

The healing is going well, especially when I don’t overdo it, and more and more even when I do.  I have almost no pain now and haven’t taken anything stronger than Tylenol for over a week, and nothing at all since Monday.  He said everything is healing well, all the inside stitches seem to be doing what they’re supposed to, and he gave me some treatment to stop the end of the discharge/bleeding that’s been continuing.  The treatment lasts one week, then I can take baths & go swimming.  (And make whoopee, although before we saw him my husband & I agreed to tack another week or two on to the healing time no matter what he said, because he never seems very conservative with healing).

Surgical report had nothing special in it, nothing he hadn’t told me when he came to discharge me from the hospital, so no surprises there.

Can you feel it building up?  Yeah, so could I.

The pathology report was in, and it wasn’t perfect.  I mean, it’s fine, I most likely don’t need any further treatment (to be confirmed today or Monday at the tumor board meeting held today).  But instead of a nice pre-cancer state of affairs (my pre-surgery diagnosis), they found cancer.  And not even the earliest stage of endometrial cancer, but a tumor that had started to invade the uterine wall.  Official stage is 1B in the old staging system (they just changed all the staging classifications in the last few months).

What does this mean?

• Well, for one thing the decision to go ahead with the hysterectomy instead of pushing my luck with hormonal treatments was clearly a good one.  With a tumor already penetrating the uterine wall, I could have easily been one of the scary 5% who have their disease significantly advance despite hormone treatment.   The risks of the hormone treatment seemed out of hand already when I thought we were dealing with pre-cancer, but now I am very reassured we went the surgical route.
• Maybe this explains why we had such a difficult time having a baby.  Sure, my age has a good amount to do with it too, but my hormone tests have been okay and we have had many shots at good embryos or good timing with IUI & maybe nothing could really stick around & grow because of so much abnormality in my uterus.  One thing for sure, the feeling I had in June that my embryos would have a better chance in someone else’s uterus (surrogacy, which we are pursuing) is clearer than ever for me.
• Keeping my ovaries long term may not be a good idea.  In fact, I’m not so sure about keeping them shorter term either, and have been thinking a lot about this.  Since most of the time they remove them without discussion there is basically no data on what kind of risk I’m running.  I will, of course, have lots of follow up testing and monitoring to try to pick up anything amis, but I do wonder how effective that is.  I need to give it some more thought, but will likely go back to one of my second-opinion doctors from June and get another person’s thoughts on this.
• Do I do another re-reading of the pathology?  What will it prove, what will it help? The decision to do or not do anything will probably be based on what the second opinion doc says.
• I know I face years of worry - intense during the testing phases as they come up (more frequent in the first years, then decreasing, then much less frequent as time goes on).  That worry factor probably would have been there with another diagnosis, but is obviously increased now.
• Good luck getting me off the carb-restriction thing.  I started the carb-restriction stuff just for weight loss several months before the diagnosis.  Then as I was researching what wellness changes to make I saw all kinds of stuff about how sugar feeds cancer.  I was already liking low carb because I felt so good, no hunger & it was working for my weight, but the sugar (and other carbs) feeding cancer thing sealed the deal for me.  Still does.

Otherwise, the pathology results of pre-cancer, stage 1A or stage 1B have the same further treatment recommendations : NONE.

So in some ways I’m worried about nothing.  On the other hand, I found out yesterday that there is a big difference emotionally between pre-cancer & cancer, even if the physical treatment side is the same.

I don’t know if my reaction is normal or not.  My husband seemed to think I was creating drama when we had “good news”, but since I had really focused on having either the surgical result be pre-cancer or stage 1A I admit I was really shocked & scared when my surgeon told me of 1B.  I do think it’s something I’ll need time to process.  Luckily I have a new counselor who I am really liking.

I’m back in the kitchen, although when my husband or mom notice they often come and shoo me out.  But I’ve made beef bourgignon (pretty much the Julia Child recipe) and a few other things in the past week.  We had mushrooms twice in the last few days, and both times I secreted a few out of the sautéeing pan & into a tupperware in the fridge with the idea of making soup.

Today as lunchtime rolled around I got started with the ends of bacon I hadn’t used, some leftover thyme sprigs (in a cheesecloth thing) an onion & clove of garlic, and the most ordinary of mushrooms in some beef stock.  I let it all cook for about 15 minutes, then hit it with my stick mixer (love that thing) then stirred in rather a lot of crème fraîche (maybe half a cup?) and the added in the 2 fancy kinds of mushrooms (which I left as slices).  I let the whole thing simmer another 10 minutes and then had the wherewithall to chop up a few sprigs of parsley so it was really pretty (I admit I rarely do this).

It was easy.  It was delicious.  I had two bowls.

I’m feeling a lot better.  I’m still trying to keep taking it easy, it’s still hard for me because most of the time I feel fine & it’s not until a few hours after overdoing it that it hits me.  Tomorrow I see the doc & hope to get authorization to swim & exercise a bit more than I’m doing now.  What I’m really hoping for is a clean pathology report, actually, but I’m trying not to think too much about it.

My mom left this morning.  She really got on my nerves last week for a few days, but then suddenly she didn’t, and I really enjoyed having her around for the last week.  I’ll miss her.

I’m on the road to recovery pretty solidly now.

After Tuesday’s debacle I’ve paid more attention to taking it easy, and my mom had a reminder from her sister (who nursed her after her hysterectomy 20+ yrs ago) of how hard the recovery was & suddenly my mom is insisting I sit down, etc.  The pain has significantly reduced & 22 hours a day I’m feeling good (the other 2 hours I’m behind on taking my Tylenol & waiting for it to kick in).

I see the doctor on Thursday & hope hope hope to get the all-clear from his exam and the pathology report.

In the meantime, I’m walking a bit (trying for around 30min/day) and don’t have a huge appetite (my mom thinks from the surgery, I think from the carb-restricted diet).  The end result?  Another 2 pounds gone this week!  That brings my total to 31, which is damn respectable.  I’m so glad to have gotten in control of my weight this year.  And beyond pleased to have found an approach that works so effortlessly for me.

Well, as some of you cautioned, I have indeed overdone it.

My mom keeps insisting that we go out for a walk every day and I keep going no matter how I feel.  And she believes in making it longer and longer each day.  So yesterday was an hour and twenty minutes and after we got home I felt light headed for over an hour and then had terrible belly pains all evening (continuing today).

My husband (who has been telling me each day that I’m doing too much & that I need to rest) was really upset last night & told me that today I needed to listen to him, why was I listening to my mom?  Well, because she’s a doctor (retired, and with no knowledge of surgical recovery).  He said, no, she’s here to be a nurse to you, not a doctor.  Good point.

So here I am curled up on the couch with my swelly belly… but the idea of moving nauseates me, so it must be the right decision.

I think all the collective good will (friends, family, all my eFriends like you all) really helped me. The surgery went well and it’s been an easier recovery than I had feared. They were able to do the hysterectomy via laparoscope, which means far less abdominal cutting, and I was up on my feet about 16 hours later. I did so well in my recovery they let me out a day or two early from what is typical at my hospital. The only pain meds I had since the night of surgery is Tylenol and sometimes I boost it with an anti-inflammatory. I’m walking daily - trying to go about 5 min longer each day but I overdid it on Sat so trying to be a bit calmer about it.

My weight is hardly been my preoccupation, but I did start on the carbs 2 days before surgery (bread, dessert) and then in the hospital of course you don’t control your diet. They had me on a glucose drip for surgery & 24 hours after and the first things I was able to eat were breads and sweetened things (yogurt, applesauce). But the day after getting home from the hospital I got back on track, and I saw the 6 pounds of bloat (from carbs & surgery) fall away over 3 days).

I haven’t had much appetitite - small amounts of food satisfy me, and ‘normal’ portions make me nauseous (probably effects from the anesthesia & the mucking around the surgeon did in the gut). It helps me to not overeat, however.

All told, surgery was easier than expected, recovery is easier than expected, & emotionally I’m doing better than I expected.

Thanks again for all of your support over the past 6 months.

I am off to the hospital this evening, surgery first thing tomorrow.

I’m scared.

I’m sad.

Mostly I want to put this behind me & hear my doctor tell me that he got it all, there is no more treatment needed, and that everything looked really good - and then to go on to have a perfect recovery.

Thanks for all your well wishes - and if you can find it in your hearts to think of me one more time, the best would be tomorrow morning French time (so middle of the night or wee early morning in the US).