Weekend & last indulgences

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Well, this weekend I will try to take advantage of as much fun time as I can before going into the hospital on Monday evening.  Most everything i wanted to get done & wrapped up has been done (one more thing to do, might or might not get done).

This weekend should be fun - fancy restaurant w hubby tonight (just the 2 of us, thank goodness), Saturday : massage, mom arrives, opera & then out to dinner w friends.  Sunday : brunch at our house w the whole family (including my sister & her family who are still in Paris one more week, but mercifully left my house this morning), theatre in the evening.  Monday have a work thing that will keep my mind occupied & out of the worry cycle for a good chunk of the day before I come home to get ready for the hospital.  Surgery is first thing Tuesday morning.

I am surprised that I don’t have the desire to become a crazy carb-inhaling person these next few days, but I don’t.  I’ll probably slip a bit off the straight and narrow tonight at dinner, but otherwise should be fine.

I feel ready and okay for this.  It feels like it’s going to be fine, I’m going to come out of the surgery cancer free and in good shape.

Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that this feeling becomes my reality!

———–

I think I had mentioned on this blog that I’ve spent a good amount of time these past few months working on a bathroom art project (it’s a very small, cramped powder room).  I finally finished it last night - here are some pics :

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Detail of the circles (cut out of magazines while I recovered from the first surgery in June) :
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In good hands

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This week I’ve been able to realize how much I trust my surgeon, and to really appreciate living in a country where I have great healthcare and don’t need to worry about my insurance company in any way, shape or form.  I recently read a book by TR Reid called The Healing of America which goes through the healthcare systems in various countries (including France) and tries to show how the US system could be reformed to incorporate some good ideas that have worked elsewhere.  Interesting book - if healthcare reform interests you, I recommend it.

What I have in France is the same comprehensive healthcare as every other resident.  I also have a supplemental policy that reimburses some of the copays and covers things like a private room in the hospital (instead of sharing w one other person).  I think I’ll end up paying about 30$ out of pocket for my week in the hospital next week - and yes, I’ll probably be in the hospital for about 5 nights after a laparoscopic hysterectomy (I think in the US it’s one or two nights). 

Today I saw my primary care doc who spent a good deal of time with me & gave me a flu shot, total cost 30€ and I’ll be reimbursed for all of it. 

I also went to a new psychiatrist (recommended by my PCP) because I’ve been not thrilled with the woman I’ve been seeing.  This guy charged me 41€ and again, it will be reimbursed by insurance.  I think I might have 1€ out of pocket to pay.  Maybe.

More than the affordability, is the confidence I have in these doctors, and the peace of mind from knowing my claims wont be denied, and I wont have to worry about being cancelled or having a hard time getting insurance in the future.  My heart goes out to people in the US not getting care that they need or having to worry about their insurance and bills at the same time they face the stress of disease.

I have let go of a lot of the worry about the details and now am just trusting in my doctor that the surgery will go well & that I will get a clean bill of health & easy recovery.

Meanwhile, I continue to see signs of weight loss.  I bought a pair of dark green cords in mid August when I was in the States.  I was happy because they were a regular (not Women’s) size 16.  They were a tad tight - I knew that to look good I needed to drop about 5 pounds.  Today these same pants are bagging in the butt and upper thighs.  It’s exciting to see progress that is tangible like that.  My husband says I’ve lost proportionally all over, but of course it feels like my belly is not shrinking and the boobs & butt are what I’m losing.   Regardless, I am making progress & I’m happy about it. 

Gorgeous Blogger Award

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I was hit in this round of meme going around the 3FC blogs last week by gonnabe and fatpants (thanks) and since these days I have enough freaky stuff going on I don’t want to risk bad karma by ditching this, so I’m playing along.

Rules:

-Include the award on your blog or post
-Share with everyone six interesting facts about yourself
-Nominate as many bloggers as you like
-Be sure to link the nominees within your post
-Let them know that they received this award through their tagboards or private message them
-Share the love and link this post so that everyone will know the person whom you received your award from.

Six interesting facts about me:

1. I feel so blessed to have met my husband.  He is kind, intelligent, generous, funny, and so cute.  He was worth the wait.

2. I used to love earrings but about 8 years ago I suddenly became allergic to all earrings, even those of 18k gold, so now I only wear them for a few hours on special occasions.

3. I really hate people who judge others.  I don’t know why anyone could think that their own beliefs and choices are the right ones for anyone but themselves.

4. I don’t understand why people would want to be famous.  Rich, yes, but famous I just don’t get.

5. My mom made me take typing my first year of high school as an elective, and as a result I am a touch typist (using all fingers without looking at the keys).  When I moved to France I discovered to my horror that a French keyboard is about 20% different than an American QWERTY one, but I am now a touch typist on both systems - takes me a minute or two to adjust back and forth.

6. I am a bad aunt.  I forget birthdays and don’t send cards or gifts.  I keep meaning to improve on this but I still haven’t done it.  It would probably save me a lot of mental anguish if I just set up an automated system instead of constantly worrying about it.

I’ve nominated:

Shari & Suzeeeq

Six Months of Carbohydrate Restriction

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It still surprises me that the way I’m losing weight actually works.  I mean, seriously, I have real cream in my tea or coffee in the mornings.  I eat cheese regularly.  I make vegetable dips full of fatty ingredients. I douse my salads with olive oil.  I eat meat, lots of it, and don’t skip the sauces.  My dessert is usually a few tablespoons of the fattiest dairy product on the market - mascarpone cheese (which is basically pure butterfat), with some vanilla or cocoa powder added in.  Does this sound like a diet?

Well, the list of what I don’t eat is long too.  Bread, pasta, rice, potatoes of course.  And desserts and candy and sugar and even artifical sweetener are all gone.  But so is most fruit, and for the first time in my life, I don’t treat vegetables like a free-for-all.  I eat plenty of veggies, but keep an eye on the portions of them, which was a big change for me.

What’s strange is that I ended up here.  For years I’ve been a member of a forum all about healthy weight loss (see link under ‘cool sites’).  I have probably read 50 nutrition books in the past decade.  And multiple scholarly articles, and many, many discussions with physicians and dieticans.  I moved to a mainly whole-foods diet about 8 years ago, and organics started coming in around that time too.  I have always been adamantly anti-fad diets.  So how do I find myself on carb restriction?  Doing pseudo-Atkins?

I’ve been doing the carbohydrate-restriction thing for just over 6 months.  The exact 6 month mark fell in the middle of the IVF so the time wasn’t right to talk about it.  I’ve lost pretty consistently one pound a week over those 6 months.  I’m currently down 27 pounds, and that time period includes a 3 week vacation, another trip home, IVF, and a freakin’ cancer diagnosis.  I have never had such a stressful period in my life, but instead of abandoning my diet or trying to soothe myself with celery sticks, I’ve soothed myself with fat.  Which actually works to soothe, unlike celery.

I am not a big fan of people being dogmatic about their diets, nor prostelitizing their choice as the only or best approach.  Nevertheless, I’m going to share how I came to try carb restriction, since I really felt it was a stupid fad diet and I’ve been really surprised by my success.  I don’t believe it’s the only thing that works by the way.  I think ANY diet can work for most people, and I think the single most important thing in a diet is your own motivation, which can come from anything internal or external, or from a belief in someone’s prescribed diet plan.  For me, motivation comes from believing I can happily and easily live with my diet long term (like, forever, give or take a few days of holidays, special events & vacations).

I lost 75+ pounds on a calorie-counting approach that was basically whole foods and low fat.  I kept my calories around 1500 and my exercise sky-high (6 hours a week) and my attention highly focused (calorie counting daily, almost-daily treks to the gym).  Most of that weight I kept off for years until The Decline 2 years ago. Each time I would try again to lose weight, I would find that what worked for me before wasn’t working with my wonderful new Parisian life (with tons of temptations & a foodie husband & French gym hours).  It had worked before, but it didn’t work now.   In addition, it was just stressing me out.

My mom (who has been eating low fat, low cal for ALL of her life) had read some excellent reviews of a book about weight and gave me the book for the holidays 2 years ago.  It sat on my to-read pile untouched for a really long time.  This Spring I was reading a ton because I was traveling, so I decided to take it on a trip.  I’d been thinking again about getting serious about my weight, and in fact I joined Weight Watchers online 3 weeks before I read this book.  I was learning about points and playing with their system while reading a book that blew everything I knew out of the water.

The book is called “Good Calories, Bad Calories” by Gary Taubes, a seasoned science reporter, who first wrote an article in the New York Times “What if it’s all been a big fat lie” which is part of the story he tells in his book.  Basically the article (and book) explain how absolutely horrible the science behind the low-fat recommendations are, and how there was a lot of political pressure to come up with recommendations and very little proof.  It’s eye opening, and surprising.

What the book goes on to detail is that in parallel to the increase in fat consumption that happened as the recommendations came into existence, there were huge increases in carbohydrate consumption — in particular sugar and refined carbs.  So conclusions that were drawn on the effects of fat on the body and health were mixed up with what could have been caused by all the increased carbs.  Where was the villain?

Sounds like a lot of scientific debate and complexity, and it is.  The book is not for the faint of heart - it’s long, dense & scientific.  It’s not a simplified diet bestseller by any means.  I’m fortunate to be from a world where reading scientific papers is a regular occurence, and I am well-versed in nutritional science, so the book was manageable for me, but certainly not an easy read.

What surprised me was my emotional reaction to a few chapters on obesity.  Why we get obese, why we stay there.  Why it’s so hard to lose.  There were sentances that had me in tears, they hit so close to home.  I was a fat kid who became a fat teenager who became a fat woman.  I often ate LESS than my siblings, LESS than my friends, and yet I was still fat.   With extreme effort on both the exercise and diet fronts together I was able to lose weight, but it was a slow process and needed extreme vigilance and dedication.

Those articles about “change from regular soda to diet and lose 25 pounds” never did anything for me.  My weight was very stable at high weights pretty much regardless of what I did unless I went on a full-court press to lose weight by hours in the gym and really strict control of calories.  And constant hunger.  I lost weight successfully by controlling and surpressing the urge to eat.  But it was always there.  I regained when I took my focus off that self-denial, even for a second.  I struggled with maintenance, because self-denial was feasible when the scale showed nice losses, but excrutiating when it stayed the same.  Taubes book explained some of the obesity research behind such things, and explained that in an obese person, these are NORMAL.  I cried with relief.  I’m not weak, I’m not a failure.

My metatobism is extremely efficient at getting the most out of every morsel of food you put into it.  I can turn calories into fat faster than most other people.  Basically, my genetics (on both sides of the family) have been selected to survive harsh Russian winters as a poor peasant, capable of surviving for months on sawdust and the stores of my fat. …not so useful today.

The author, Gary Taubes, puts forth what he calls ‘the alternative hypothesis’ which basically says, ‘if they’re wrong about fat being the enemy, than maybe it’s carbs’.  It’s hard to read the book and not think he might be right.  There are not enough scientific studies that have been done that could say that he IS right.  But he might be.  So if he was right, what would that mean?  Severe carbohydrate restriction.  Changing your body chemistry so that you eat so few carbohydrates that your body is forced to dig into your stored fat to find fuel.  It’s as simple (and hard) as that.  It’s not magic, not a bestselling-fad-diet.  It’s chemistry.  Your body needs to find certain fuels to run itself.  You either eat them, or it goes searching for them.  That’s why carb-restricted diets are really strict, especially in the early phases — it’s not easy to get your body to switch over, and it will resist with cravings and feeling lousy for a while.

I found the biochemical story of why it could work pretty compelling.  I knew the struggle I’d had for years and years of real, serious effort with low fat and calorie counting.  Carbohydrate restriction does require self control with carbohydrates, but allows for indulgences in a few other areas (mainly fat, but also a good amount of protein).  Reading the book I decided to try it.  I decided to give it a real effort for 3 weeks and then re-evaluate.  Why 3?  Because that’s how long I’d been on WW already, and I figured if I hated it I could still make myself stick to it for 3 weeks.

The hardest part was figuring out what I could eat, and what I could find available to me (I was traveling a lot).  I didn’t follow anyone’s book exactly, although I read Atkins and several other books so I knew the basics of everyone’s plans.  The first few weeks I ate strawberries and nuts (not offically allowed on Atkins until several weeks had passed).  It didn’t matter.  Within days, I was feeling great.

The biggest single change I noticed early on (and that continues to this day) is that I no longer felt terribly hungry.  Hunger has been my constant companion all my life and it was weird for that to go away.  But so freeing!  It wasn’t just that on a low-carb plan you can eat as much as you want (I suspect that’s not really true, that there is a calorie limit beyond which you won’t lose weight).  But biochemically, as your body burns body fat, you feel less hungry.

At first the scale had a big drop (which is normal for low carb diets - carbs make you keep water.  As you start the diet you drop a lot of weight because of this — and each time you cheat you gain a lot back for the same reason).  I had a few weeks of plateau after that, but was so happy with how I was feeling that I kept at it.  Other than figuring out what foods were ’safe’ on the road, I wasn’t thinking about food all the time.  I turned down snacks and chocolate at work without a second glance.  I was impressed, and so I’ve kept on.

I’ve kept learning about carbohydrate restriction and the theories behind why it works, but the bottom line is that for me it really is working, and that it seems to be the low-stress weight loss approach I’d been dreaming about for years.

The scale is wimpering!

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That scale was beaten into submission these past few days. Seriously, I beat that scale senseless this week.

Finally the time of month bloating passed — it was not normal timing nor normal bloating (which of course makes sense, since I was doing IVF and they pumped me full of hormones). Finally late last week I started seeing 195-ish numbers and today the I got lucky and saw 194.

I suspect next week will be flat, but still I’m taking the 194, even if it is a one-day sneak preview. Puts me in the ’rounds to 190′ category, right?

I’m pretty happy that I’m losing again, and back to the numbers I saw in Denver.  I know the next few weeks with surgery weight loss won’t be on the top of my mind, but it’s nice to go into the medically-required slowdown knowing that I’ve been on a good path for a while, and that it’s definitely working.  Also all the mental beating-myself-up about my weight and body (which are always exacerbated when I’m in a hospital dependant on others) will be somewhat helped by the fact that in the past few months I’ve been quite successful in getting the weight off.

Bleh.

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I was reading a bunch of posts this morning and it seems like there is a blogger’s virus of Bleh going around.  A lot of people seem stalled, or de-motivated, or somehow off track.

Of course there are a few machines that just keep on keeping on, and of course that’s impressive.

For the rest of us, it’s worth recognizing where we are to see if there is a way to take a pause, regroup, and then firmly re-commit.  It’s just over a month until the Holiday craziness starts with Thanksgiving, and we all know that the 6 weeks or so after Thanksgiving is a time when it’s incredibly easy to gain 10, 15, 20 or more pounds without even realizing it.  So the best treatment is prevention, and that’s why a Fall malaise right now is so dangerous.

I’m feeling pretty bleh myself, but my reasons are different.  I’m nervous about the hysterectomy I’m having in 3 weeks for endometrial cancer (well, right now it’s pre-cancer).  I’m worried they’ll find something bad, but of course intellectually I know that even that is treatable, survivable, but I’m still scared.  I’m scared of recovery.  I’m scared of being in the hospital.  I’m scared of feeling awful about myself being so overweight when I try to get out of bed and walk and all the humiliations of pre and post surgery (pubic shaving, catheters, bedpans, etc etc).  Both my sister & my mom will be here and somehow that’s making me more nervous and less confident.  Even though I know it will be a help to my husband (which is more important). 

So I need to focus on being positive and staying on track to feel as good as I can about myself going into the surgery, and we all need to focus on getting back on track solidly before the holidays come (no Thanksgiving in France, and this year being just a few weeks out of surgery I’m not doing Thanksgiving in Paris for friends).  

Winter clothes, and a choice

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As regular readers might remember, my previous “stable” weight was around 195 for several years before I ballooned up to around 220 about 2 years ago.  I have TONS of clothes that fit at 195, and even more at 180 (where I was when I moved to France 6 years ago).  For a long time I kept my off season clothes as a jumbled mess of off-season PLUS not-fitting.

Changing seasons was always depressing, because I’d find these smaller clothes I liked mixed in, but no hope to wear them.

Finally this Spring when I changed out the Winter for the Summer I did a complete overhaul and actually made THREE types of boxes.  Some are labeled “Season”, some are “19.5″ and some are “1.8″.  My husband doesn’t need to be all up in my business about the scale or my sizes, but he does need to put the boxes up and down for me (so 19.5 is my vaguely-coded 195 and the 1.8 corresponds to 180).  Of course, the code is actually pretty good since my husband is French and therefore neither Pounds nor American Sizes mean anything to him - if it was in kilos or French sizes he’d catch on, but for him it’s actually meaningless.  I prefer it that way.

This was the first season I’ve used the new system, and it was a BREEZE.  Not only easier to change clothes (because fewer boxes to go through) but also none of the beating-myself-up bits about not fitting into something).

I finally accepted my weigh in this week at 197.  The scale has actually been touching on 195 in the past few weeks - inconsistently but it’s coming … The big thing is that I am having a hysterectomy in a few weeks, and I expect to have big-time belly bloat for several weeks after that — and who knows what my weight will do for the several weeks of recovery.  So I decided that celebrating getting to 195 will have to wait until I’m back at 195 AFTER the surgery (even if I manage to touch it briefly in the next week or two again).  Those 3 boxes of 19.5 will have to wait for me. But when I get in them, I will be CELEBRATING!

In the meantime, as usual, I’m all giddy about finding my off-season clothes again, having forgotten about a few items that I really like.  I’m better about retiring things now at the end of a season, because I’m always glad to see it around again a few months later, and it keeps the garments in better shape to not be worn 12 months a year.

Replacing bad habits with good

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A few weeks ago I made a goal to exercise 3 times a week.  This was after months of on and off (mostly off) exercise & knowing that exercise increased immune response & just generally makes one feel better & be healthier.  Still, adding in another daily to-do seemed like way too much stress, so I decided to only shoot for 3 times a week.

What a great way to start. With the exception of the IVF (where I was told NOT to exercise by my doc) I’ve been doing great for 3 weeks now, and in fact most weeks have managed 4 sessions not 3.  I look forward to the days when I make it to the gym (or have far away errands & decide to walk to and from). 

I’ve added some other good habits over the past few months too.  One of them has been increasing my tea consumption, especially green tea.  In fact, I generally start the day with black tea, then switch to green mid-day.  At first I was kind of choking down the green tea.  I’ve never been a fan, but it’s supposed to be SO HEALTHY especially for cancer so I decided to start.  To my great surprise I found a few weeks into it that I actually liked it.  A lot.  I’ve become something of a conoisseur, with about 6 varieties in my kitchen (and usually 2 or 3 bags in my purse).  I also found out that black tea is as good for you as green (even though green gets all the press).  In the afternoons & evenings I drink herbal teas, which I don’t think have too many health benefits, but are tasty and a good diversion from mindless snacking. 

Yesterday the tea drinking paid off.  We had a brunch.  One of those landmines of French eating — the guests brought both cookies and chocolate mousse.  My husband bought 3 kinds of croissants - and one of each for everyone.  We had juice, and I made smoothies.  Does there appear to be anything low carb on offer?  No.  Of course, I did have eggs in the fridge, but it’s always a bit awkward to eat other things than everyone else, and we hadn’t gotten organized enough to plan an egg dish, so I figured I’d let them start & offer eggs once things got going.  And I sat down with a big pot of tea.  (Which I take w cream).  I never got hungry, I just kept drinking the tea, then switched to the green tea (I’d made 2 pots of tea for the guests) and didn’t get hungry until an hour after everyone left (at which point I ate something low carb from the fridge).  It was the easiest brunch on a diet that I’ve had in France.  If I’m not dieting I eat the croissants and jam and butter like the rest of them, but when I am dieting it’s always a really hard battle between the goodies on offer and what I think I should be eating.  Finally I was able to enjoy the company without stressing about the food (because it was all off limits and I’m so into this low carb thing that breads & sugars don’t even tempt me). 

Phô soup

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The other night my husband was working late and I was feeling lazy so I decided to try the new Vietnamese restaurant that just took over the space of my beloved butcher in our neighborhood.  The appropriate 3 months of mourning the loss of such a great shop had passed, and I’ve always been a sucker for the delicate subtle flavors of Vietnamese cuisine.

One of the best things is the big bowl of soup - phô.  Normally it’s a huge bowl full of noodles and broth and slices of meat, onions, cilantro and a few herbs.  I asked for mine without noodles and had to explain myself a few times (France is not a country where they are used to people making substitutions on menu items, in particularly if such items are considered the basis of the food itself).  After hearing an unhappy cook yammering on in Vietnamese for a few minutes, I did get it. 

It was SO GOOD.  Oh gosh I dont know what kinds of spices they put into that broth, but it’s just amazing.  The slices of beef cooked in the broth, the herbs danced on my tongue, I completely enjoyed it.  I didnt in the least miss the noodles (although I’d have liked some slices of lemon & jalepeno like I’ve had in the States, but when in Rome…)

As I was eating it I kept thinking I should stop and take a picture but just couldn’t bear to part with my spoon for the few seconds it would have taken, and then as I approached the end of the bowl I thought it would be kind of yucky to look at someone’s almost-gone bowl of soup…

So I’ve included a picture from the internet (I managed to find a picture that looked a lot like mine, as the noodles are hidden under the meat & onions)

The Dozen Chick

Food, General 5 Comments »

Update from our IVF : I made a dozen eggs!  That’s a pretty good response for anyone, let alone for a 41 year old chick.  All fertilized, but only 9 fertilized normally (still, 75% is a good rate).  All were in good shape on Day 3 and they froze them all. Yippee! 

We also met with our gestational carrier (surrogate) and her husband and really feel this is a good match.  Both sides seem really happy to go on this adventure together.   Next steps will be working out a lot of the insurance issues, finalizing the elements for the contract, and most importantly, getting her medical evaluation (this in December).  If all moves smoothly we could be doing a transfer in February or March.  There is a lot to do between then and now to get ready, but I’m approaching it like a big complex project.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts & support.  It meant a lot to me to have so many people rooting for us, and clearly it paid off!

On the diet front, as planned I stuck to the low carb way of eating for the most part.  I had ice cream 3 times and twice had meals where carbs snuck in (once Mexican, once a nice restaurant) but was quite reasonable overall and am right back on it.  My weight looked like it was down a bit, but now that I’m bloated from all the progesterone after the medically-induced ovulation it’s hard to tell.  I’ll weigh in officially next Monday (although I’ll be pre-menstrual & still bloated) but should have a good idea of where my weight really is on October 19th.  The good news is that even on the days where the scale moves up, I’m still solidly in Onederland. The scale hasn’t moved above 200 for even one day in over a month!


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