I begin with a disclaimer : I am going to be whining in this post.  And in fact, I am likely to be whining in the next several posts.

But I need a place to vent and this blog (which once upon a time was only about my weight) is it.

I’ll start with the weight whining :

  • I “officially” only weigh in on Mondays, but I actually step on the scale pretty much every day.  I don’t write down the daily weights, but I know how things are going and it helps me mentally prepare for the”official’ day.  I don’t usually freak out about the variations on the scale - we all know that ups and downs of 2-3 pounds for no reason are pretty usual, and I firmly believe that if you’re going to weigh daily you have to agree not to freak out about such changes.
  • Last week my weight was around 197 3 days running, even hitting 196.something one day.  And then suddenly on Saturday 2 things happened : my boobs started hurting like crazy (before period hurting) and my weight shot up by 4 pounds.  Sunday it was up another pound.  And now it seems THAT is the new number.  Grrrr.
  • I might mention that I am eating PERFECTLY low carb, if anything my calories are low (will double check that today) AND that I started back to exercise successfully last week.  I am in ketosis every time I check.  It’s the damn drugs.

Its the drugs! IVF makes people nutty.

  • Ah yes, the IVF cycle began without fanfare last week with starting on birth control pills, which I am to take for just over 2 weeks to ’shut everything down’ before the Serious drugs come in.
  • The bloated feeling, the sore boobs, the weight gain all are side effects of them, and although I’m annoyed, I can live with it.
  • However, 2 days ago I started spotting which freaked me out big time.  It’s been going on for 2 days pretty solid and the IVF nurses don’t seem too worried, but last night I worked myself into a good knot over it, since a cancelled cycle will be disastrous for me — I’m pretty sure the oncologist won’t approve another delay in the hysterectomy (and frankly I don’t want one, I’m nervous enough waiting this long knowing there is endometrial cancer lurking in my body).

What Dr. Google says :

  • Dr Google (my favorite doctor of all) seems to agree with my IVF clinic that breakthrough bleeding on birth control pills is very common.  Lots of women going through IVF apparently have it, and it doesn’t usually seem to be a problem for going forward with the IVF.
  • Since the new nurse and Dr Google agreed I think I will keep myself from calling my local doctor in a panic this morning (since he’s off Wednesdays and I’d have to see his colleague anyway).  I’ll wait until my US clinic opens and talk again to the nurse.  I’m pretty sure that tomorrow (or today if I can’t stand it) I’ll go have a blood test just to make sure the hormones are responding as they should do these pills.
  • Even writing that I felt I should just go out and do the blood test, but it’s true that of the gazillion web pages I visited I didn’t really find anything saying it was a real problem, so I probably just need to calm down and be patient.  Right?

I admit to being pretty stressed about the whole situation.

  • This IVF is pretty important to me because it’s the end of the road.  The last chance to have a baby that would be genetically mine and his.  If it doesn’t work we do have plans B, C & D, but I have a strong preference to have at least tried to have a baby with my own eggs (and my concession to the cancer : someone else’s uterus).
  • I appreciate all your comments in the past weeks and months about how well I’m handling this, etc but honestly that varies a lot from day to day, and getting closer to the days of reckoning increase the stress enormously.
  • Adding crazy hormonal drugs to the picture doesn’t help one bit.
  • If I’m having neurotic outbursts just from the birth control pills, how will things be next week when the shots start?  The week after when even more shots get added?

One day at a time.

  • I really don’t have a choice, but I’m going to just play this as it goes.  There is a quote I’ve liked for a long time that has particular meaning to me these past few months :
  • “DON’T SUFFER FUTURE PAIN”
  • Basically, don’t worry about what might be down the road.  Just deal with now.
  • So now, today, I am keeping the ticker at 199 even though my scale wouldn’t agree.
  • So now, today, I am not going to be my own doctor and go get a blood test - I’ll at least wait a few hours to talk to the nurse who hopefully will okay me going tomorrow morning (whew, that’s a hard one — but if I can hold the line another hour or two I think I’ll make it)
  • So now, today, I am giving myself permission to be a little bit of a hormonal witch over the coming weeks

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I am still thinking about the names for the family blog for my gestational carrier journey (post below) — thanks for your suggestions, and please keep ‘em coming!