Wobbly
General July 8th, 2009I guess that’s the best word for my current emotional state : wobbly.
Actually, I’m doing okay on a number of fronts, but I am way out of it where work is concerned. It’s like a switch of what matters and doesn’t has been hit, and I just can’t get myself to focus on the work stuff. I can, however, build my cancer website and research endometrial cancer and treatment. I can follow up on any number of personal projects. But work… just isn’t clicking.
Most of the time my emotions are fine, stable, calm even. Every so often I have a stressful moment, but they are becoming rarer. I’ve been able to sleep without drugs or trouble for several nights now (although I keep the pills by my bed for now, just in case…).
I’m still using all the herbal and aromatherapy products labeled ‘relaxing’ or ‘anti-stress’ or ‘rescue’ like they are going out of business. I am decluttering like mad.
I saw that something went haywire with the feeds at the 3FC blogs - I read your blogs in a reader and click over to comment from time to time, but everyone’s new post counts exploded last night - the good part was that I was able to unsubscribe from the dead blogs really easily, since they were obvious (they didn’t update), but since I had over 400 ‘unread’ posts I just reset it to ‘mark all as read’ - hopefully I didn’t miss much important with anyone.
I’m hoping to get the slides for pathology to get sent for a second opinion today or tomorrow. Just the logistics of cancer, calls, second opinions etc is almost a job in itself. Maybe that’s why my day job seems less important?
July 9th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I hope this doesn’t come out the wrong way but the reason your day job seems less important is b/c it IS less important. How wonderful that you know your priorities, although that doesn’t make having cancer any easier I imagine.
From what I can see you’re handling this amazingly well. I have never been seriously ill myself but after my son was diagnosed it was honestly 2-3 months before I could make it through the day w/o crying at least once an hour and w/o self-medicating w/chocolate chip cookies. I put on 30 pounds in 2 months…emotional eating, anyone? The fact that you have managed to lose weight during this time is a testament to your personal strength.
You have given great effort at work for a long time now, I’m sure they’ll understand if it needs to take a backseat for a while.
You continue to amaze me
July 9th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I don’t know what your office is like, but most bosses know when to leave their employees alone. They give them work but let them do it at their own pace because they know how uninterested you can be in what you are doing when you are going through something as big as this. You’ve worked incredibly hard before this, so I’m sure they know this state of mind is temporary. You’ll get back to it once your body and brain are ready.. in the meantime continue doing what you are doing. I think brseay has said it well. You are amazing!
July 9th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
I think you’re doing great. Bless your little heart. You are a very, very strong woman.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I sometimes delete blogs that haven’t been commented on in a while- I try to respond daily to all my blog people but if they don’t post after a while once two months hit I figure they might not be coming back.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:02 am
Can you take some sick leave from work? Have you told your boss what is happening? Sometimes they can arrange less stressful work for you noting what you are going through. Just a thought.
July 10th, 2009 at 5:53 am
I’ve just caught up on your last few posts. Wow. You must feel as though you’re on a roller-coaster.
19lbs in 14 weeks is AWESOME and to think you have maintained this weight loss for so long is brilliant. Have you got under the 200s yet? What a milestone!
How frightening to have had that doctor who pretty much wanted to wheel you into surgery and give you a hysterectomy right then. I’m so glad that you’re taking control of this and that you are being the boss of you. It’s how it should be. I so want everything to work out for you and I love your de-stressing log. It’s a great idea.
I am currently reading a book called “The Happiness Trap” by Russ Harris http://www.thehappinesstrap.com/ one of the main points I’ve got out of it so far is that all of our emotions are ephemeral. However good you feel, that happiness won’t (cannot) last forever, but however bad you feel, that sadness won’t and can’t last forever either.
I love the image of you with some nice magazines to read, sitting in the sun, just healing, just feeling good.
Take care. I think of you every day.
July 10th, 2009 at 5:54 am
I agree with the others, I think (even though work is important, and needed for finances) it is definetely not as important as the other things you are dealing with at this time. I just caught up on your blog, and think you are doing so well with handleing all of this. I am afraid I may have a vit D problem myself. working midnights means I dont get to see the sun much. I do take vitamins but, dont think it is enouph. I know the vit D deficiency can cause depression, which I think I may be developing. I need some 15 minute sun bathing treatments as well