sad and scared
General June 19th, 2009Tonight I am very sad and very scared.
I am sad because I am realizing that in all likelihood I will never have a child, and this has been my dearest dream for many many years. Wanting children together has been a foundation of my marriage, and I am not so sure that my marriage will survive this huge disappointment. I love him, he loves me, but we really wanted kids together and I have moments of doubt as to the importance of this common goal in the structure of our relationship.
I’m also very, very scared. The physical side of the operation on Tuesday has been relatively minor. The pain is not so severe, the bleeding almost non-existent, the physical healing coming along quickly. But the terror of what kinds of malignant cells they might be finding and where and how diffuse they might be is a constant worry in my mind, and one that seems to just get bigger and bigger as the hours tick by.
Putting on a strong public face is wearing me down too. My mom is here, full of worry and concern and a million doctor questions, and trying to reassure her and keep her from having a breakdown may be pushing me close to my own. My husband is worried as hell and also under tremendous pressure at work - this is always his busiest time of the year, one of his top guys just had a baby and so is tired and not up to par, and one of the other top people is in the hospital bleeding while pregnant and unlikely to come back to work in the coming months - and my husband is the only one who can do what they do in the office, so he’s basically working 3 fulltime jobs plus having to be there for me. So I feel like a huge drag when I ask for even a little bit, because I know he’s running from one huge pressure into another, morning noon and night, barely sleeping… And the last thing we need is pressure like this on our relationship.
I also feel very alone. I feel responsible for being in this situation, in part for my weight, in part for every unkind thought or deed I’ve ever done, like there must be some reason I’m not considered good enough by the universe to be a mother, and to need to suffer both infertilty and cancer.
I keep trying to be strong, because I’m very afraid that if I keep falling apart one of the times when I’m in peices I won’t get it back together again. Part of me thinks the better solution is to keep a stiff upper lip and hold it all in, and part of me just wants to sob and scream.
Monday I see the doctor to get news on the cancer. It’s going to be a long few days until then.
June 19th, 2009 at 2:53 am
(((((HUGS)))))
Sarah, so feeling your despair.
Maybe your oncologist can steer you to a therapist that knows what you are going through. A safe place to “let it all out”. I bet I would feel the same way ~ worried about myself dreadfully, but still not wanting my loved ones to worry or to know what is going on in my head.
Sending you warm comforting healing thoughts.
June 19th, 2009 at 3:25 am
Sarah,
I have no solutions for you but how I wish I did. I wonder, though, how it would go if you shared your concerns w/your mom and hubby. I bet they are worrying, too, about sharing their fears w/you b/c they want to be supportive. Then, once that is out in the open, you all don’t have to waste energy worrying about what the other person is thinking and you can redirect it to something that will help. Did that make any sense?
As far as the cancer/infertility being punishment you don’t need me to tell you that it isn’t true. I had a friend who lost 2 pregnancies during the 2nd trimester and completely blamed herself and experienced major depression. Part of what helped her to deal with these horrible circumstances was when my son was diagnosed w/his illness. She realized that she would never blame me for my son’s disease, so if it’s not my fault that my son is sick then it can’t be her fault that her children died. I hope this makes sense, I seem to be rambling a lot tonight.
Please keep us posted.
June 19th, 2009 at 4:22 am
I’m so very sorry you are having to go through all of this. I agree with what both of the fine ladies above me have said. Beyond that, try looking into healing music. Give yourself time alone, a nice scented candle burning, listening to this healing instrumental music. It can take you away to a safe, calming place….even if just for a few moments or minutes a day.
:: major hugs ::
June 21st, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I often believe that the “not knowing” is the worst part. That is when the imagination flies like crazy. Knowing is scary, and there is the initial processing period, but at least you know what you are dealing with and can make a concrete plan. I will be thinking about you on Monday. Please let me know as soon as you can.
Sarah, I have told you before that this is no reflection on your ability to be a mother. It just is what it is. You can adopt if you want a child that badly and I am sure it will end up being the perfect child for you. Or, you can join the growing culture of people who have, for a variety of reason, chosen to live child free.
You are a good person. You probably care TOO much ( as most of us fatties do).
I know you feel alone, but you do have this wonderful community. I am sure there are a number of real life survivor etc communities you can join in Paris. hopefully there is something like Gilda’s Club which you can go to.
I doubt your marriage’s foundation is solely based on having a child. If it is, then imagine what it would be like if you had a child - likely not too strong or strong enough. This is a HUGE test for your relationship. You will work through it.
I am here for you whenever you need someone to cry with, yell at or any other emotion or chat. I hope you know that.
Shari
June 21st, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Hi Sarah,
I can understand how you feel but only up to a certain point - I’m not struggling with a life threatening illness. It’s huge and it’s overwhelming and it’s more than easy to blame yourself for having this illness.
Who knows why &^%$ happens to good people?
I know that I am sorry that you are suffering so and having to put on that brave face for so many reasons. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in your position right now. I’ve thought about the possibility of my own infertility and what that would mean to me as a woman… our minds will always go the ‘easy’ route of trying to destroy ourselves rather than boosting ourselves up during a most difficult time.
I’m glad you’re in therapy because it does help. I’m glad you’re surrounded with people who love you and care for you deeply. I’m sure that your condition is your husband’s greatest concern and whatever he could do to make it ‘all better’ he would do in a heartbeat.
Don’t let your mind wander down the slope Sarah.
Cry and let some of the stress out (in private if you need to) because you deserve that much.
One day at a time no? In the meantime, don’t let the negative thoughts consume you….
Believe me I’m no expert at it but it’ll help in the end.
Much love to you and I’m always praying for your health and happiness.
xoxoxoxoxooxoxxoxoxoxoox