I kind of wish I was writing about something other than my ectopic pregnancy, but since it is the central issue in my life right now, and preoccupying my every waking thought, I think what I’m actually wishing for is for this to be completely behind me.  Which it is not.  Actually, even better would be that it had never happened, and that I was either just normally disappointed by another negative pregnancy test, or in the pure-fantasy realm, that I was actually successfully pregnant.  But since that’s not my reality it’s pretty sick and morbid for me to be playing the “what if” and “why me” game…

I saw the doctor today and he didn’t have many answers nor much comfort.  I was seriously annoyed that my husband didn’t offer to come with me.  I know he is very busy and has cancelled a lot of appointments already, and that it was not a decision-making appointment, but I was pretty upset that he has cast me as overreacting, overemotional and a general pain in the butt because I think he should have offered to come.  I probably would have told him not to bother, that I could handle it on my own, but the truth is physically it was hard to get there (I’ve been mainly lounging around since Thursday, and the visit to my doctor was the biggest outing I’ve made in days by about 10-fold).  Of course, it’s really the emotional side that has me upset - the feeling that to be sad about this is somehow weak or abnormal…  I would say that 80-90% of the time I’m okay, but not always, and while that not-okay time is acceptable to me, to my husband it’s much less so.

I am still bleeding and still have pain every day, although it’s generally less strong, and the moments of severe pain are less frequent.  My doctor was a little concerned that I am still having pain however, so I have yet another ultrasound scheduled with a super-specialist on Thursday evening.  And my blood test is on Thursday morning, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that the numbers finally drop as they should.  My doc also gave me the name of a good psychologist (and bonus - she speaks English!) to talk to about my “difficult path” — which was on one side good (I do think I could use someone to talk to) and also made me sad to see me officially categorized into the “difficult path” group (even if I know it to be true).

I’m off work this week (and yesterday’s outing to the doctor showed me that I could NOT handle working right now).  In theory I go back to work on Monday and I think I should be okay at that point.  Right now I am trying to get back into more of a normal rhythym - at least for part of the day by checking my work email and doing some teleconferences.  But I’m still leaving plenty of time for sleeping, watching Sopranos, and taking it easy.  If I still feel lousy at the end of the week I’ll need to make a decision about work next week - I have a 4 day meeting in Oslo so I can’t really be on the fence and go to that.  I’m hoping that the recovery continues gradually and that all is clear on Thusday’s tests.

My doc said I can walk and swim when I feel up to it so I’m hoping to add some activity back in by the weekend.  Meanwhile I am trying HARD not to turn to comfort foods, which is pretty much working.  I’ve been drinking a lot of tea and filling up on the end of summer fruits.  Scale shows I’m down 2 pounds right now, but my body is still clearly out of whack so I’m not putting too much stock into that yet.

Thanks for the comments and virutal hugs.