Round

Oreos, Nacho Cheese Doritos, Goldfish crackers, Graham Crackers, many cold cereals, Pop Tarts, Nutter Butters, Relish, French’s Yellow Mustard, Cranberry Juice, Iced Tea, Swiss Miss, Marshmallows, Kraft Mac & Cheese, Cornbread mix, etc

This is a list of what is for sale in a typical “American Specialty Foods” store in another country.  A store that caters to expatriated Americans willing to pay about 5-10 times the normal price for these items just to have a taste of home.

I first saw one of these stores years ago on a business trip to Stockholm.  I was with my boss, a fellow American, and we just stared dumbfounded into the window and he said to me “can you believe this is what you’d miss if you left America?”  Very prophetic of him.  He, of course, did not leave, but I did.  I have been in France for 4 years now, and while my US shopping list gets smaller each year (as my tastes change or I find decent local sources or substitutes) there are certain things that you just gotta have from time to time.

I’ve never been a fast food person, so McDonald’s doesn’t give me an “at home” feeling like it does for some ex-pats.  But Starbucks does, and Starbucks is now all over Paris, so for a few euros I can feel like I’m back in the States for a few minutes.  Our friends and family come to visit loaded down with Celestial Seasonings Tea, Tabasco, Chili Powder, Taco Mix, Q-Tips (the real ones!), low-fat microwave popcorn and sometimes if I’m really lucky, Kashi Heart to Heart cereal…  And sometimes we buy items from the local American Specialty Foods store.  Where I am horrified by the prices and pseudo-American brands (often they are not the real US brands) so I tend to be very choosy.  My DH is an impulse shopper in general and when he goes to this store without me is also trying to make me happy, and his passage can make the shopkeeper’s month.

As it did yesterday when he came home loaded with Dr Pepper, cranberry juice, Goldfish crackers, Swiss Miss, Rice Crispy Treats, etc.  Actually, all of the above are for him and my DSS - none of those are my favorites.  He did get me H&H bagels, however (flown in from New York City) and a package of Philadelphia Cream Cheeese… and that, my friends, was dinner.  I couldn’t resist.  He had left the bagels too long in the car and they had defrosted, so re-freezing wasn’t an option, and as we’re going out of town for 4 days tonight I didn’t want them to spoil, so… I only had one (okay, that’s not saying much - they are HUGE).  And only one half w cream cheese (okay, confession : the other half with butter).

Still, I could have made a lot of other lousy choices last night, and I didn’t.  I did eat a ton of veggies too, and I took no dessert (not even the little pack of Hershey’s kisses he brought me).

I’ve lost 3 pounds! I would normally weigh in Monday, but since I was out of town Monday morning I did it Sunday, and was glad to see 3 pounds gone of the shocking high weight of 215.

I am mainly happy what I have gained, however : A more optimistic outlook and feeling better about myself. I’ve gotten back in control of my food, and even started walking a bit.

It is such a change to be able to want to come here and share good news instead of the weeks and weeks where I just wanted to hide & cry…

I was still coming to post from time to time on my blog, but with such despair and self-hatred. I am pretty proud of the fact that despite the backsliding I managed to come here from time to time anyway - I credit that to the goals I made for 2008 and not wanting to see myself failing at all of them (one was keeping up the blog - most of the rest have been big failures so far this year…).

Anyway, 3 pounds are gone so I have something to show for my efforts, and even without something to show I’m really pleased to be back.

Well, I’ve been walking again these past few days.   And we’re actively discussing re-joining the gym (although this does not count for much, as talking about is NOT the same thing as actually joining, let alone exercising there )

On Friday I got home from work a bit earlier than I expected and realized I could get one of my Saturday errands done if I hurried out the door, so I threw on some walking shoes and grabbed my iPod (hoping it would still be charged, as I haven’t used it since I last went walking over a month ago) and headed out the door.  It was wonderful.  Warm and sunny afternoon, my audiobook on the iPod which is a good one, a nice 45 minute walk, and the errand accomplished.  Not bad at all.

Yesterday was another fabulous and beautiful day here in Paris.  Warm but not hot - perfect for jeans and a t-shirt when walking around, sunny, beautiful floral Spring.  In this amazing, fun, interesting city.  My DH & I had planned on taking a long walk around town a few weekends ago and then time slipped away from us so we didn’t do it, so yesterday we attacked - it was great.  We walked around the Latin Quarter for about 4 hours, doing some shopping, going down small streets that he knew for one reason or another, etc.  Nothing strenuous, but still, on our feet and moving for several hours is unfortunately considerably more exercise than I’ve had in weeks.

Food these past few days has been okay.  I’ve made mainly good choices in some more difficult circumstances.  I’ve done okay on the fruit & veggie counts, but not as spectacular as earlier in the week - but the weekend has been a real foodie one for us, and in that context I’ve done okay.

Friday 9 : B - 2 smoothie (berries, orange), L : 3 - carrots, cucumber, tomato; S : 1 apple, D : let’s call it 3 (but considering it was a 3*** restaurant and we had multiple desserts and wine it was not a dieting moment…but it sure was delicious!)

Saturday 8 : B - none (woke up late after late night dinner Friday) L - 3 (tomatoes, mango, peas/carrots) D : 5 zucchini, carrots x 2, eggplant, tomato

I don’t want to jinx myself, but I think this time getting back on track is working. I’m using more structure than in previous attempts to get back on track (more on that in coming days).
There is something good about gaining momentum from several good days in a row - it makes each one a bit easier.

And I’m hoping the scale on Monday will help motivate me too… I have so much desire to get back to Onederland and eventually back to 185. Of course from there I’d really like to keep going and finally feel comfortable in my own skin and be healthy, but the idea that I could fit into my wardrobe this Fall is very motivating (having spent all Fall and Winter busting out of things and feeling just awful about the way I look).

Yesterday I was able to be more focused, as I had hoped. I ate an extra meal (a salad) because I’d eaten light all day so my hunger was different - and earlier. I had dinner at 7 which is really early for me, but it was mainly veggies and so at 10:30 when my husband was coming home and asked if I wanted anything at Subway I asked him to pick me up a mixed-veggie salad w pastrami. Subway is a novelty here in Paris — sub shops just don’t exist and getting a fresh, decent, fast salad like that is not so easy… So I was thrilled w the offer but made a good choice, and was super-happy to have jalepenos on the salad since they are damn near impossible to find here (the French don’t really like spicy foods). Pastrami turned out to be pepperoni which is just gross when it’s not on pizza, so I ended up w just the veggie salad and was really happy with it - and didn’t even have to feel guilty!

Fruit & veg count : 14 (wow!)

B : 4 in very large smoothie (today : pineapple strawberry); L : 3 chinese chicken salad (2 kinds of cabbage, carrot, some shredded beet); D : 2 asparagus/scallion/green bean, 1 artichoke (ate w just lemon juice today!) 1 cherry tomatoes, 3 mixed salad (lettuce, red onion, jalapeno, tomato, green pepper, black olive)

My antioxidant count was even higher - I had some dark chocolate before bed too…

I find it interesting how much easier I find it to count fruit and veggies than to count calories. Yes, it’s simpler, but it’s also more positive… focusing on nutrition might be a good solution for me…

Well, falling into the healthy (or healthier) pattern has been less difficult this week than I’d expected. Part of it is being pretty stocked up on good things and desire to eat them, but a big part of it is really being unhappy with my weight - and knowing I need to make some changes.

Yesterday breakfast of smoothie and muesli, and I knew I would make an asparagus - scallion chicken stir-fry for dinner. Lunch was out w a colleague, one of those things you have no idea where or when you’ll eat, you just need to make the best of it. Well, it was pizza. But pizza did lose it’s magical hold over me after my Pizza Test experience, so I was able to order one with no stress and eat about 3/4 of it. No snack (we had dinner on the early side) and all the chopping of veggies during dinner kept me busy. My stir-fry was less good than usual - I used to be a real pro at making them, but lost the habit several years ago and this one had the right ingredients but was still somehow lacking - need to pull out some recipe books for inspiration!

My fruit & veg count for the day : 10!

Breakfast (smoothie) 2, lunch 1 (artichoke on pizza) dinner 7 (celery while preparing, artichoke for appetizer, stir fry w scallions, asparagus, green beans, dessert of fruit salad w pineapple and berries) (actually the “count” should probably be higher because I had some large quantities of veggies from the stir fry (i.e. could count as more than one serving), but since I’m just using it as a guideline I’ll let it be…

Yesterday started well. I took a few minutes to think through my day and come up with a plan of action - knowing the day would be a dieting challenge. I had a fancy business lunch (starter, main dish, dessert) and then a rare evening out w my DH. Well, both went well. At lunch I decided I would order fish (which I did, but they prepared it with a lot of fat…) and dinner was kind of out of my hands - we went to a Japanese place my DH has been talking about for months now where the specialty is this type of pancake from the Osaka area - it was made up mainly of veggies but I’m sure it also packed in the calories -it was very yummy.

My fruit & veggie count remained high - 2 fruit for breakfast (smoothie again!, with nectarine and raspberry ) 4 for lunch (mushrooms, celery root puree, strawberries, raspberries) dinner 3 (small salad, edamame, and whatever veggies were in/on the pancake-thing).

The best moment of choice was late in the day when we went to the movies (after missing the theatre because my DH got confused of which theatre to drive to…) - at the movies I love to eat popcorn, or sometimes ice cream (one of the few places where I see real Ben & Jerry’s in France). I really wanted a small Chunky Monkey but I though about how awful I’ve been feeling about myself and the fact that I wasn’t even hungry and skipped it. Since my DH did get a big chocolate bar, I decided to get a lollipop just to have something to put in my mouth and not feel deprive - and after about 3 minutes I was able to throw that away too.

Yesterday was much better.  Just having a plan was a big help, a relief from the downward spiral.  I had a delicious homemade smoothie for breakfast, a healthy lunch of soup & leftovers.  Biggest oops was at 7:30pm - we usually eat dinner really later (around 9) but I was hungry and started foraging - ate sauerkraut (weird, but wanted veggies & it was in the fridge) then gave in to a craving I’ve had for a week and had a bag of SmartPop microwave popcorn (the big bags, not the 100 cal packs).  Ate the whole thing and was happy about it but realized then that this would be dinner so I ate some yogurt to try to round it out nutritionally, then homemade applesauce for dessert.  Later when my DH came home for dinner (at 10:30pm) I had nothing w him but did cave in and have 2 squares of dark chocolate (which was a disappointment, it was too old and didn’t taste as good as my usual brand).

My fruit & veggie count was really high - 2 for the smoothie, 3 for lunch,  3 for dinner.  I’m trying to focus on that for the time being - less tracking than calories for the time being and gets me on the healthy path.

It also helps that I started a (paper) food diary.  I’m going to keep using one for the next several weeks, it’s always been one of those things that works really well for me.

I am horrified with my current weight and how I feel and look.  And yet instead of taking action to correct it, I seem to be further sabotaging myself.  I have eaten pastries, cakes, bread and butter and oh so many other fattening things these past weeks.  

I have stocked up on healthy foods too - and I generally am eating those as well.  I’m just plain old overeating in all senses.

I’m also feeling horribly out of shape.  I mean, I am horribly out of shape and I’m really feeling it.  I’m starting to dread when I have to go up 2 flights of stairs in my house.  I stopped going to the gym a year ago when my sciatica came on, and I haven’t been back, but I’m starting to think I’m going to re-join.  Clearly not working out is not helping me.  But that’s a goal for the future - I can’t even imagine where I can find the time or the energy to get to the gym.  But I think I remember feeling more energetic not more tired after working out, and especially when I worked out regularly.

For today I am going to try to be in control of my eating, and eat with the intention to lose weight.  I hope to post with good news tomorrow.

I knew I was heavier than I have been in many years. 

I knew that almost none of my clothes fit.

I knew that even though I felt huge and unhealthy and unattractive at 202 pounds that I had to be weighing even more now.

I knew that my wedding and engagement rings are very tight and from time to time I had pain or numbness in my ring finger from my fingers being too fat…

And still, last week when I stepped on the scale to “face the music” I was horrified and shocked to see the number looking back at me : 213.

How did I get here again? I am not living the same life that had me hiding from everything behind massive amounts of adipose tissue. I am happily married now. I am living a life I only dreamed about before. I have an almost fairy-tale-come-true lifestyle now, living in Paris, married to a really wonderful guy, enough money to not have to worry too much about money, a job that most of the time I find rewarding, good health, etc.

Why am I doing this to myself?

Why have I gained about 35 pounds since I met my husband? Why has that weight been gained in the past 9 months? Why has it continued to drift upwards?

At 185 I am not a skinny woman in anyone’s stretch of the imagination, but I am relatively healthy and for the most part I feel reasonably attractive. Granted, it’s hard to find clothes that fit when you live in Paris and weigh 185, and you’re almost always the fattest woman in a room, but still, it wasn’t so bad… And from time to time I did get my weight down to the mid 170’s in the past few years.

But I blasted through that 195 upper barrier last Fall and since January I guess I’ve been soaring to new heights.

I had such a huge shock with the 213 number that I couldn’t even imagine a week ago being willing to update a ticker or admit my new current weight until I got things somewhat under control.

It did help me push myself into action, and I’ve been trying to keep myself more aware (and motivated) by getting on the scale more often.

But denial isn’t going to help set things straight, so I’m acknowledging where I am.  And I’m determined to make 213, 212 and the entire 2-something family history before too long.

But I’m hoping that remembering how awful 213 was stays with me for a while — it was WAY too easy to end up here this time….

This week was not so great but I’m back trying beginning tomorrow (and today wasn’t so bad…)