Round

I was maybe a bit too strict in my goals for this week.  I’m taking it day by day, maybe even meal by meal.

First off, I was REALLY busy all day.  Often when busy I will eat mindlessly of what’s around out of nervous habit.  Not today, I’m proud to say.

Before coming to the meeting I had oatmeal at home, and was very glad that I’d taken the time to make it over the weekend.  Homemade steel-cut oatmeal is so yummy! 

I had more bread than I’d planned, but mainly because the food at this hotel is yucky, and bread was a better choice than other stuff.  My portions have been good, and that I wasn’t even remotely expecting to address.

I was great at snacks, having only fruit (plums, which aren’t even in season and were pretty good).  There was a ton of candy and cookies around too, and I didn’t touch them.

I had a yogurt for dessert at lunch along w some sliced kiwis (I am so lazy - I don’t buy kiwis but when I see them already cut up for me I jump on them).  But for dinner tonight I had about a half cup of tiramisu (plus a plum). 

I forgot the chocolate bar when I was packing so I don’t have that “good chocolate” waiting for me… I might have resisted the tiramisu if I knew I had that waiting…

All in all I’m very happy w today, because I was solidly in control all day.  Even when I chose the tiramisu I did so intentionally and I took the time to enjoy it, unlike most eating in the past several weeks where things went from choice to plate to inhaled without any conscious reflection.

Sleep should be no problem - I’m wiped out.

Well, I’m heading into two weeks of offsite meetings and the weekend in between my brother & his family are visiting.  It won’t be serious dieting but my goal is to be in control.

During the meeting this week here are my goals :

• Bread only at lunch or dinner, not both, and not more than one serving
• Fruit or yogurt for dessert
• I will bring a good bar of dark chocolate to have in my hotel room so I won’t feel deprived (and I’m sure it will be a lot better than hotel industrial desserts)
• Avoid mindlessly snacking at breaks.  Eat only fruit when it is offered (I don’t know if it will be offered…).
• Sleep at least 7 hours each night

I don’t want to add more because it’ll be too much.  I might or might  not start a food diary this week. Haven’t decided yet but will take it with me just in case.

And thanks to you all for the comments & support.  I know no one ever is mean when you come back, but you guys are really great!

Thursday and Friday were less of a resounding success than the two days that came before, but I think I can say I’m getting back on track with some confidence right now.

On both days I made several choices that are not in the “weight loss” category, but the really major thing is that I was aware of the choices and also made several good choices on both days. So far, far, far from perfection, but heading back to control, and that’s the critical first step.

This morning I made oatmeal. This is one of those key success factors for me - I need to have healthy breakfast options ready to go, otherwise I often choose lousy breakfasts which sets up a mindset of the day being off to a bad start and more bad choices follow without much resistance. At least w a good breakfast I go into lunchtime with a fighting chance. So a big batch of oatmeal will do me well…

We also attacked cleaning out the kitchen cupboards. I have no idea why now we did it - they’ve been a jumbled mess for a while now but aside a few half-hearted attempts to create a bit more order while on the phone the situation hadn’t bothered me enough to take action. But making oatmeal this morning I asked my DH to pass me the dried cranberries and I knew where they were but they were not near the raisins nor the dried apricots and somehow that sparked us both realizing that it was stupid… so we’ve been throwing things out and reorganizing all morning. And I found a number of things I’d like to cook in the future, another a good sign, since my cooking has pretty much stopped recently.

I also made a decision to sign up for a weight loss program from a woman who’s podcasts I’ve listened to for a while now.  I’ve always liked her style and approach and I feel like right now I need more structure than just doing it on my own, and her new program looks like it will have a lot to offer me.

Today was another good day. I won’t say I’m back on track nor that I’m building momentum because 2 steps isn’t exactly walking — but it’s a heck of a lot better than what’s come before….

Here’s what I did well today :

• Breakfast : skipped the french baguette w butter and jam and instead polished off the last of my imported Kashi Heart to Heart cereal (love that stuff!). Had a small yogurt w it
• Lunch : dug around in my freezer knowing I’d have some leftover soup in there and came out with a red lentil soup I made a few months back. It was good. I had some canned corn w it (no butter!) to get some veggies and more substance. And a small peice of bread.
• I knew dinner would be on the run or room service - I had an evening flight to Madrid. While out running errands I bought 2 of the apples that I liked so much yesterday and a bread roll from a good bakery so I could make my own sandwich. Airplane food is never very good and we have this awesome Corsican cheese at home right now… I also threw a small chocolate Easter egg in the bag (size of the tip of your finger)
• On the plane the food turned out to be not only industrial (plastic-packed sandwiches which might have been made days ago) but also expensive ($10 for said sandwich). I was THRILLED to have brought my own and really enjoyed my great-bread-with-great-cheese sandwich while watching people around me hack down dried out gross industrial stuff. My apple was awesome again, and the bite of chocolate made me feel indulgent.
• Arriving at the airport in Madrid I was thirsty and decided to stop for a bottle of water (never cheap at an airport, but compared to a hotel minibar it’s a bargain). They also had one of those machines that automatically makes fresh-squeezed orange juice. My mouth started watering and I went for it. I almost never drink juice but fresh-squeezed in front of you like these machines you find all over Spain is a real treat. Yum, it was good, and I knew I wouldn’t be needing my second apple tonight (so now I have it for the flight back tomorrow!)

All in all, another good day, and one that leaves me full of hope, not self-loathing.

I have been toying with the idea of getting back on track for a while now but haven’t made any concrete plans or attempts. I knew that we had a weekend away for Easter and that it would probably be really hard to be trying to get on track while away but that the pain of staying the same was becoming worse than the pain of changing so that the change point was approaching.

I finally took some positive steps today. Mind you, I was nowhere near a “perfect” diet, but it was considerably better than the past several weeks (ok, months). And I made a lot of good choices. I also approached it with a ‘just for today’ attitude because the idea of giving things up for good seems impossible to me right now.

So what did I do well?

• I walked a pretty good distance to a meeting and on the way home. Probably 40 min in total.
• I left the house without breakfast (bad) and stopped at a bakery (warning! I do live in Paris…) and in the end made a good choice of just one item and not one of the richer ones either - I had a simple brioche (ok, its made w butter, but it’s still a better choice than a chocolate croissant). I also told myself on having it that I would avoid the inevitable snacks on display at the meeting…
• I resisted all the morning snacks at the meeting.
• I ate a healthy lunch and 1 1/2 rolls but the half roll was to replace the rice I didn’t like.
• I left 1/3 of my dessert uneaten.
• I resisted all the evening snacks at the meeting, despite the fact that I was seriously stressed by the work we were doing and the people involved.
• I walked the 20 min back to the metro station after the meeting and stopped for an apple because I had a feeling arriving home on an empty stomach would not be a good thing.
• That apple was one of the tastiest and most satisfying things I’ve eaten in days.
• I am quietly finishing my work before dealing w dinner. Dinner will be under control I can tell!

It is a real boost to my self-confidence to get through one day on track.

Thanks to you all for continuing to support me, it really means a lot.

I have been feeling really guilty about my weight recently.

Not that those feelings have pushed me into action yet, but the pain is increasing and I am getting ready to get back in control.

I am busting out of my fat clothes and looking in my closet makes me sad and angry at myself.  I cannot wear 90% of what I own.

This weekend I decided to go do some shopping for fat clothes because all self-pity aside, I am in a real dilemma with professional outfits at this weight.  I went to 4 stores and it was a real eye-opener.  It is really hard to be Fat in France.  There is no section in the dept store for “women’s” sizes that gives you approximately the same styles and quality in bigger sizes like we have in the US.  Fat clothes are hell here.  Everything is ugly and polyester and shapeless and grandma…. And tremendously expensive (although I’d have paid quite a bit for decent stuff).  I found a few items to tide me few a few weeks but it was a horrid, horrid experience and it left me really clear that I absolutely cannot stay at this weight here.  I mean, aside from the multitude of other reasons  - how I feel about myself being this fat, how I look, my puffy hands and face, getting winded on more than 2 flights of stairs, knowing about the health risks I’m piling up, etc etc etc.  But the shopping plays in too, and that was just too much.

So, I’m hoping to be back here soon.

I am about to go make popcorn with my stepson. In Europe popcorn is usually served with sugar instead of salt, thus it’s a big hit with kids. I make two batches, one sugared (for him) one salted (for me). My husband hates the stuff but it was his suggestion for us to make it tonight.

I’ve been eating too much of everything and exercising very little. Meanwhile, my husband is recovering although not very fast.

I keep thinking I’m going to wake up motivated to get back on track but it hasn’t happened yet and I’m starting to think I just have to get started without waiting for a motivation moment.

But it won’t be tonight… again.

I can see the path of a healthy lifestyle and a good diet. I’m not exactly on that path myself yet, but I can see it’s not very far away and I am walking pretty much right beside it. I’m encouraging myself to see how nice that healthy path looks, and it’s helping me make better choices every day.

Yesterday I had a pretty draining day at work (and had to come home to my recovering husband and my mother in law) and I was hungry and a bit cranky plus still had work to do. I REALLY wanted to stop at a bakery and pick up something sweet and creamy but I didn’t. I did decide to snack on the swiss chard I’d made on Sunday plus some leftover chicken soup, then relieved my MIL of sickbed duty and was able to smile and be nice to DH. Because of the large snack I had no problem having a small light supper later and the evening was a success instead of a carb-festival.

Breakfasts are getting back to routine - always one of my Key Success Factors. I’d like to make oatmeal again but I think that will have to wait for Friday.

I had a good day today eating-wise, which has not been the case for quite some time. I actually had a good day yesterday when I think about it (well, except breakfast so let’s not count that), so let’s say I’m in my second good day. Considering that in the past many weeks I don’t think I’ve gotten more than 2 healthy meals in a row it’s something of a breakthrough!

Thank you all for your outpouring of support for my DH. His surgery went well and his recovery has been good. As anyone who has had someone close in the hospital knows, it was still exhausting. I basically went from work to hospital all week in cycles and spent very little time at home and had no energy when home to cook. I wanted starch and sugar like crazy and for the most part I indulged those cravings. DH came home yesterday and I’ve been able to work from home today his first day back and although it’s still demanding it’s much easier than having to work in time for the hospital each day.

I did enjoy the walks I got going to and from the hospital. The little bit of exercise was good for my body and great for emptying out my mind of the stress. I even ran my three errands in three separate sprees today from home to get more walking time in, although I could have grouped them all together & saved time. I would also have saved steps and I decided that wasn’t such a good savings…

Yesterday we got back from the hospital in time for me to run to the market and I bought swiss chard (which I had never made but was curious to try) and some other fruits and veggies. I bought chicory - the lettuce-like stuff, another rare new produce find for me (I am usually pretty good in the produce department so when I see things I haven’t tried I usually give them a go). I made a salad with that it was yummy although more bitter than I expected. Also a nice roasted chicken and zucchini and carrots and onions and bananas, apples, the end of the clementines. Yogurt all my favorite yogurts in fact (both the sheep’s milk and the Greek-style that I usually have to go all across town for.) I cooked for a few hours in the afternoon while DH took a nap and that set me up nicely with healthy food for myself for the week and a few things that DH can eat too.

I also started my period over the weekend - meaning our insemination cycle didn’t work. I was more okay with it than I expected, I guess because I had been worried about my DH so my priorities were there - husband first, then baby will follow. We’re going to do another round of this approach to TTC this month, so send the baby dust flying my way!

All in all, I’m feeling positive and hopeful. About my DH, about getting back to weight-loss mode, about getting that longed-for baby soon.