Round

… but this quiz classifies me as a realist. I guess I am probably more realistic than anything else, but I do try to see the positive in situations.

You Are a Realist

You don’t see the glass as half empty or half full. You see what’s exactly in the glass.You never try to make a bad situation seem better than it is…But you also never sabotage any good things you have going on. You are brutally honest in your assessments of situations - and this always seems to help you cope.

Are You An Optimist or Pessimist?

We went away for the weekend to Cognac, France. We had been given a gift of a night in a chateau and gourmet restaurant, and we decided to make it two nights to make it worth the travel. We were close to canceling, due to my miscarriage, but decided being away together was probably a good idea for us right now, and there was no medical reason not to go.

We had a really nice time, pretty quiet and calm, good food (although not excellent for the prices), and it was good to get my mind somewhat focused on something else. My husband found several new and fancy brands of Cognac (luckily they had tastings of very small quantities!) and I learned a lot about something I never cared about (I’m not a big drinker, especially of distilled liquors). But it was interesting to see the care and science that goes into making Cognac, and to get to appreciate a little bit the differences in quality. In the past few years I’ve learned a little bit about wine, so this was kind of in the same spirit. Still, I doubt I’ll increase my cognac consumption much in the future.

On our first night, my husband ordered a bottle of 1997 Cristal Grand Cru (a top champagne) and it was FABULOUS. I’m pretty spoiled, since I’ve met him I’ve learned a little bit about wines, and we almost always have really good ones. I don’t know much technical stuff, but I know what I like… and it turns out I have expensive taste. All I know is that since I don’t drink very much, when I do drink I want it to be really good!

It was NOT a diet weekend, and although I did bring my sneakers, I didn’t go for a walk. We strolled around town and the museums, but that doesn’t count. At least I was prepared, had the opportunity arose. We were able to sleep late and enjoy being together, do a bit of sightseeing, and enjoy some good meals. Mainly it was about being together, and that was very nice.

We are going away for the weekend and while packing last night I tried on my 2 biggest pairs of jeans. Neither of them fit, nor did the black cords which were too baggy last winter. All were buttonable but skin-tight and uncomfortable.

It is so frustrating, I am so mad at myself for getting back here.

My husband was really nice, he walked in as I was wrangling with pair #2 and he told me that I shouldn’t do that to myself and that undoubtably it was the dryer’s fault. (Uh, he’s put on a few pounds too these past months!) I took the one pair of black casual pants that fit, and some yoga pants with me. Ugh.

And it’s true that I am still affected by the pregnancy/miscarriage (confirmed yesterday by the doctor that all is not back to normal yet), and still have the pregnancy hormones bloating my everythings (boobs, belly, waist, etc), and still wreaking havok on my digestive system. Apparently this could go on another 2 weeks or longer.

Funny how a few months ago I was super-upset with myself for weighing 185, and today I see that as a far-away target weight.

Several years ago I lost a significant amount of weight, qualifying me to join the National Weight Control Registry. I am proud of the fact that I have kept of *most* of the weight I lost, and I am proud to be a member of this group of people who have lost weight and kept it off.

So in today’s mail what do I receive, the 3-year on questionnaire. How are you doing? Where is your weight now? What are you eating? Uhhh, where is the nearest rock for me to climb under? Until 3 months ago I was EXTREMELY PROUD of having kept my weight around 185 for years. I am at my HEAVIEST right now (or heaviest in over 5 years anyway), and I pushed into a range I thought I would never see again - out of Onederland and into the 200’s. 202 to be exact (although that was 3 weeks ago, and I think the slap of reality has probably shaved a digit or two off of that).

But for research sake I completed the questionnaire, warts and all. It’s no use to the researchers to have lies, and I’m sure I’m not the only member to have had a relapse. All that info is important to them figuring out how people are (or are not) successful. And the glass can also be seen as half-full : I am still PERMANENTLY down 50 pounds.

There was one question which really made me think. My answer today was the honest truth of the past few years, but a change in the answer could be a real help for me.

“How much would a weight fluctuation of 5 lbs affect the way you live your life”

___Not at all

___Slightly

___Moderately

___Very much

Today I checked “Not at All” because reality is, I knew I was gaining and I didn’t do much about it. Because it’s only a small fluctuation.

But what if I think of my weight in 5 pound increments, and each number being a firm line to not cross over again? As soon as my weight gets into the 190-194 range, that would mean ACTION if the needle moves above 195. Not a bad way to think of it, and it should help me to maintain.

It is so hard to come back on here after a major backslide. In many ways it would be easier to just start a new blog, new story. But the hardest part is probably finding my way here at all, and I am feeling the need to be honest.

I have ballooned up to 202 pounds as of a few weeks ago. I haven’t weighed since, but I’m guessing nothings changed, because my clothes are all too tight. I’ve been trying to eat healthy since Monday. I am only committing myself to 2 weeks of this right now, then we’ll see what I can handle.

I have had the most bittersweet year imaginable. Full of incredible joy and terrible suffering. In all, I guess the joy outweighs, but it hasn’t been at all what I’d hoped.

JOY : I got married to a wonderful, fabulous man whom I’ve known for 3 years now. We were able to have our families and friends with us to celebrate the wedding and at 2 great parties. We went on a great honeymoon to Greece. We’ve been through a lot together (sufferings, coming up) and it’s made our relationship richer and stronger. Just after our honeymoon I got a long-awaited POSITIVE pregnancy test.

SUFFERING : I had severe, debilitating sciatica just weeks before my wedding, and I was heavily drugged and in a lot of pain through my wedding, had to postpone our honeymoon, and ended up having surgery a week later. My husband has had several bouts of severe abdominal pain which has resulted in 2 hospitalizations and a lot of tests, but no answers. Finally, our joy of finally being pregnant was followed a few weeks later with the devastation of a miscarriage. That was last week, and my emotions are still reeling.

So, I’m trying to pick up and move on, trying to stop the weight spiral because it’s just making me feel worse about everything else. Trying to take it one day at a time, trying to keep stress to a minimum.