Round

Ok, Dr Hope still gets to retain her title. I saw her again last night.

On my homework, apparently the correct answer to the many questions is FALSE for all of them (a calorie is a calorie, you should only eat when you’re hungry, etc). Except the dreaded #27… #27 is ” To lose weight you need to eat everything you like in smaller quantities ” and the answer is TRUE.

You know what that means? Yes, MODERATION. Attention. Thinking. Risk. No hiding behind diets, no pre-measured portions that I can eat all of. I knew #27 would be my dragon to slay!

So, I have more homework for Dr. Hope this week. I am to eat anything I want, IN MODERATION. If I knew how to eat in moderation would I weigh 202 pounds? But, it’s true, I’d like to be able to eat normally in the future and be way less stressed about food. So, I’ll try it.

I’m to pay attention to my hunger. Hunger scares me. When I am very hungry I don’t usually make good choices. When I diet I try to eat healthy food often so that I don’t put myself at risk. Now I’m supposed to get hungry.

And I’m supposed to stop eating before I get too full. I’ve never been able to do that. I hate to leave food on my plate. It’s not about starving children in Africa, either, it’s that it’s MY FOOD. Apparently it’s a pretty common “hoarding” reaction for those who have a broken relationship with food. So I’m supposed to work on stopping eating when I don’t feel hunger anymore. Okay, this will be another challenge…

Finally, I am supposed to make sure I enjoy my food. Eat butter if I want it, dessert if I want it, but make sure I really enjoy what I eat. And don’t eat it if I don’t enjoy it. This will be kind of new to me. I mean, I do enjoy food and eating, but how much is enjoying the ACT of eating vs what I’m actually eating at the time. I mean, do I actually ENJOY the zucchini, or do I eat the zucchini because I know I can eat a lot of it and fill up my tummy for few calories. This too will be a challenge.

I am to keep three columns for each meal - how I ate (time, place, people), how hungry was I (scale of 0-6) and what I ate.

It’s actually a lot to pay attention to, but it seems like it might be worth the effort, so I’m giving it a go.

I promised myself I would make a real effort to control my eating for two weeks, and then reassess. The key factor for me was to keep the stress of dieting to a bare minimum.

Well, my two weeks are up, and I need to decide what to do next.

How’ve the two weeks gone? I have been good about keeping a food diary. I have been trying to eat lots of fruits & vegetables. I have been drinking lots of water. Basically, I’ve done what I’d hoped to do — I am starting to re-build the healthy diet habits that will be necessary for me to lose weight. I don’t know that I’ve cut back enough to actually lose weight, but I’ve stopped gaining, and that’s a major step in the right direction.

I haven’t been so good on the weekends. The first weekend we were away for a romantic getaway, the second we had houseguests and a big wine-tasting dinner party, plus a brunch. I did better the second weekend, but not enough to lose weight. There is room for improvement on the weekends, but I’m not trying to be perfect here, I’m just trying to be better than I had been in the weeks and months before coming back…

Starting back, I also told myself it would be nice if I could exercise (walk) twice a week, but that if that was too much, I’d work it in later. I’ve exceeded the walking goal both weeks, and it’s actually been one of the highlights of my day a few times.

I decided to do this without a scale for a while. I know I weighed 202 on Oct 14th. I don’t think I’ve lost much weight since then (good weeks, but not so good the weekends). My body is still pretty messed up from the miscarriage and pregnancy hormones, and I am bloated and still not fitting into my clothes. Since right now I feel pretty motivated to keep going on this path, and I feel like the scale won’t add to that, I’ve decided that it’ll stay in the closet a while longer.

So, at the end of two weeks what will I do? I’ve decided I’ll do the following :

1) Keep on the same food plan (food diary, low starchy carbs, some cooking, and lots of water, fruit & veg)

2) Keep to exercising 2x a week but making it a formal goal now

3) Continue working w Dr Hope and maybe begin to work on a “prepare to lose” series of reflections & posts on this blog (I don’t want the two to conflict, however, so for the time being we’ll prioritize Dr Hope).

The key for me is still to keep it low-stress. I’m guessing this approach will keep me gently moving on my way through the holidays, and I will re-assess again sometime in January. Maybe I’ll be ready to have a real “weight loss” approach then.

Ok, Dr Hope gave me 3 homework assignments and I promised I’d share them :

Assignment 1: The first is to re-trace my weight history. Largely that’s in my “about” page so I won’t bore you all with it. I’ve been fat since I was a kid and I never got skinny. I had some success losing some weight at times, but pretty much was size 18-22 for all of my 20s and half of the 30s. I remember being 12 and going shopping w my dad for my first ‘grown up clothes’ not in the kid department and I wore a size 12. (which in those days was smaller than today’s size 12, but still…).

Assignment 2: Second homework assignment is to list as “true or false” each of the 27 statements below. I’ll mark T or F for what I’m writing on my homework paper for Dr Hope. (Note : the homework is in French - I’ve used “starches” to refer to bread, pasta, rice etc type of carbohydrates - there is a specific word for this in French)

1. I need to eat 3 meals a day (T)
2. I need to not eat between meals (F)
3. I need to never skip a meal (T)
4. I need to have a big breakfast every morning (F)
5. I must never leave in the morning without breakfast (T)
6. What I eat in the morning can’t make me fat (F)
7. One should never eat fruit in the middle of a meal (F)
8. One should never eat fruit between meals (F)
9. I should never mix starches and fats (F)
10. I should never mix protein and starches (F)
11. Everything eaten after 5pm is stored, not burned (F)
12. Eating before going to bed makes one fat (F)
13. Certain foods can’t make you fat (F)
14. Certain foods make you lose weight (F)
15. Certain foods always make you fat (F)
16. To lose weight you need a balanced diet (T)
17. To lose weight, you need balanced meals (T)
18. Proteins can’t make you fat (F)
19. To lose weight you need to drink water (F)
20. For a cocktail, tomato juice is a better choice than alcohol (T)
21. Starches can’t make you fat (F)
22. Fats make you fat (F)
23. A square of chocolate is more fattening than a nonfat yogurt (F)
24. If I don’t eat vegetables I can’t lose weight (T)
25. One should never eat starches more than once a day (F)
26. I need to eliminate sugars (T)
27. One needs to eat everything one likes in reduced quantities (F)

I think number 27 will turn out to be a big focus for her, and very difficult for me. I have always found it easier to avoid certain foods completely, because I have a hard time eating a “reasonable” portion of them…

Assignment 3 : Write the list of all your taboo foods

• Pastries
• Butter
• Cakes, cookies, pies, desserts
• Ice cream
• Pasta, rice, potatoes
• Bread (except whole wheat)
• Cheese
• Pizza
• A lot of restaurant foods (sauces, preparation, etc, including most ethnic stuff Chinese, Indian, Thai, Mexican, Lebanese. I can manage w French & American easier.)
• Candy
• Anything breaded or fried
• Most sauces

Maybe I’ll think of more taboo foods before my appointment tomorrow…

I’d love to see others’ Taboo Foods lists!

As I read others’ stories and blogs I am often overcome by the similarity of our struggles and sometimes in awe of the strength of some of you.

Today I came across a post of AngelFood, who last week accomplished what I am aiming for - a good week, without too much stress, and real food. Here’s her post.

Thanks to all of you who keep telling your daily ups and downs helping us all to learn and grow.

After writing my proud blog entry about my good weekend, those damn cookies started calling to me, and 4 of the 6 little buggers got eaten by yours truly.

The other 2? Well, the other two cookies were also sending out their sugar-butter-flour-chocolate seduction vibes, all the way from the kitchen, mind you. So I went right up to them and… poured mustard all over the little buggers, before tossing them in the trash.

Hopefully my DH won’t remember we had them (he likes the leftover cakes much better). They are so much better off in my trash can than in (and on) my belly! And I just ate an apple to top up any sugar needs and give me a bit o’ fiber & wholesome goodness after the mini cookie binge.

Last night we had 14 friends over for a wine tasting dinner.  It was really fun, and pretty delicious and easy too.  We asked everyone to bring something to eat to share instead of showing up w flowers or chocolates, and we provided cheese, bread, salad, wine & dessert.

I cut up a ton of carrots & radishes which are not terribly French for snacking but were a big hit (and helped ME a lot too).  Made a huge salad and have a ton leftover.  I didnt eat too much at all, and had a good day before the party too, so I felt pretty good about it.  I had 3 glasses of wine, which is a lot for me, but I’d been planning on it and it was very good wine, so I felt good about it.   Biggest slip up was the desserts, in that I’d decided to make chocolate chip cookies (from scratch) and did so, and ate batter & several cookies.  The good news is I sent everyone home w bags of cookies and I only have 6 left in the house, and those will go to work tomorrow w my husband.  I didn’t eat the other desserts.

I also had a bonus in the exercise department.  I ended up going on a really long walk around town yesterday afternoon w my friend (2 hours) and we walked another hour and 15 minutes today, so while I might not come out completely even, at least I spent something.

I need to get crackin’ on my Dr. Hope homework, maybe tonight…

Focusing on eating healthy and getting a small amount of exercise has been a good distraction from a really awful period in my life. I’m still going through a miscarriage, and now am bleeding way too much and the doctor just gave me new drugs which are supposed to stop the bleeding. I thank those of you who’ve left comments on the miscarriage - it’s really an awful experience to go through, both emotionally and physically. I wish my body was having an easier time dealing with it - this week has been really tough.

I am really feeling very optimistic though about moving into a new way to manage my weight.

During the weeks I was pregnant I was being very careful about nutrition and I found it very peaceful and centered to think about how much vitamin C, iron, calcium, etc I was getting instead of calories and fat or carb grams. That focus on nutrition has been something I’m trying to keep in the forefront of my mind now, because it was easy and not very stressful - and leads automatically to good choices. Feeling hungry, need a snack? Hmmm calcium is low, maybe I should have a yogurt. For dessert? I haven’t had much vit C, so maybe some kiwi or pineapple.

I’m aware that I’m psychologically fragile right now - that I could drop this at any time, or turn to it as a crutch. But the truth is I’ve been managing my weight actively for over 5 years now (and overweight & guilty about it for much , much longer). The resolve to find a way to do this weight-management thing without stress has been something I’ve been committed to for a while — well before my miscarriage, and clearly expressed since my back problems earlier this year.

I’ve always lost weight in the past by being a maniac about it. Now that I’m in a great relationship, sane job, and have plenty of outside interests I am just not willing to make my life about my weight. I lived for a long time ignoring my weight (which is how I got so big). Then I lived quite a while doing nothing but my weight and my job (gym before work, after work, spreadsheets of inches lost, nutrition databases, etc etc). Now I need to find the balance — less obsession, less struggle, and eventually, less weight.

Well, it’s the same thinking as on other posts here, but I wanted to express my gratitude for having this place to turn to for feeling positive about the future.

Today I had a doctor’s appointment I made quite a while ago, well before I’d decided to re-start. My doc had noticed the weight I’d gained since my back surgery and was none too pleased, and gave me the name of a “nutritionniste” which is a diet doctor - but a real M.D.

I was grumbling to myself the whole way over there - I’d met with 2 other docs of this type since arriving in France, one who tried to get me to go on a liquid protein diet (and this at my low weight!) and another who I did work with for a few months who gave me a very rigid diet that excluded oatmeal and some other healthy stuff. Since right now I’m feeling both motivated and relaxed, I was quite resistant but figured one appointment wouldn’t hurt anything, so I went.

I am going to call her Dr. Hope. Because she was calm, kind, relaxed, reassuring. Among the nutrition and medical books on her shelves were several titles such as “maigrir sans regime” (lose weight without dieting).

As I told her my weight history, my current diet etc she saw quickly one of the big issues. I am way too stressed about food. I don’t enjoy it enough, I am not relaxed around it, I don’t treat it “normally”. So I am allowed to eat whatever I want, but I need to enjoy it. I have a few homework assignments (which I think I’ll actually do as blog entries), and one of them is to watch the movie Ratatouille (apparently there is a mouse who talks about eating slowly and enjoying it).

She told me that obviously I know nutrition and what foods are good to eat, but that I have put too many labels on foods (Good vs Bad, etc). Her objective is that I re-find balance in my relationship with food, and that within that slowly the weight will come off. She told me she is not focused on rapid weight loss.

Yippee! I feel like I have found a real support in this woman, and what’s odd is that had I met her at other times in my life I would have dismissed her as a crackpot who wasn’t serious enough about my weight. She didn’t even weigh me, people!

Today I went on another walk, inspired by so many other people’s blogs and stories of how they feel better after forcing themselves to exercise. I tried a slightly different route, and ended up going for a whole hour!

I just played with Gmaps Pedometer which is really cool - I was able to put in a couple of walking routes around me and I now know a 3 mile loop and a 4 mile loop, both of which take me through local parks. It was easy to use (after I read the instructions!) and useful too. It will even calculate your calories burned.

I’m feeling much more into the swing of losing weight this week. It seems like less of a struggle, and I have been enjoying listening to podcasts on my walks. This weekend will likely be hard (houseguests, and a dinner party) but I think I’m settling into this without much strain right now.

As I was walking I was thinking about how I’ll exercise in the winter, whether I’ll need to re-join the gym, etc. It’s true that walking is much more pleasant than the gym. But when it’s cold, rainy or snowy? I still want to check out the public pools around me, that could be a good solution too.

All of this seems to be a decent distraction from feeling sorry for myself, and that is a good thing. I am still having pain & some trouble from my miscarriage, and I really need a distraction. It would be easy for that distraction to be food, so I think I’m doing pretty well, all things considered.

Ok, I know that’s not the world’s biggest deal, but I didn’t go yesterday and the weather for the rest of the week is supposed to be crummy, and I have lots of work to do, and I didn’t feel like it. But I went anyway. And it was nice, I went over to the park and did a lap there, then came back - 40 min in total.

It just started raining now that I’m back, so clearly I made a good decision.

I started an exercise ticker in the “progress” page, and was happy to have something to put on it.

I also set a weight goal. 175 lbs in about 6 months, that’s around a pound a week. No stress, though - if it takes longer, it takes longer. I’m not ready to really diet yet, and while I’m quite proud of getting some exercise in, the walking I’m doing right now isn’t really enough to lose weight. But it’s another step in the right direction…