I was late to my appointment with Dr Hope yesterday. Can anyone say “Self-Sabatoge”? I got there, but late, so we had a short appointment. My bad.

I talked to her about my weekend indulgences of dessert 4x and bread and butter 4x. She shrugged her shoulders and asked me if I enjoyed it. What??? I took in WAY too many calories to lose weight, almost all from empty carbs with little nutritional value (well, there were raspberries & pistachios in one of the cakes, does that count?). No, all her discussions were about did I enjoy it, did I do it consciously with attention.

To answer her questions, on the cakes, the second one (Saturday night) I really did enjoy. The others not so much, and in fact we decided to not return to the bakery where we got them (it’s a famous one but we’ve been unimpressed several times now). Of course, I was aware the cake was not excellent but still I ate it.

On the bread & butter : I started on the bread & butter being over-hungry for dinner on Friday night. I started out w just bread in the kitchen standing up while I did other stuff, then pulled out the butter and continued in that mindless way. At the table I would dive into the bread and butter when my DH & our guest talked shop. Are you seeing a pattern yet? At Saturday’s dinner I had bread & butter while the others spent an hour and a half eating oysters and raw clams. I am not a big seafood person, especially not raw, and while this was a huge treat for 3 of the 4 of us, for me it was NOT. I ate 3 jumbo shrimps during that time. And a lot of bread and butter. Ok, now the picture is even clearer.

It was an interesting discussion, because I felt guilty about the fat and calories and empty nutrition, and she was only discussion HOW I ate and if I ENJOYED it.

I told her I hadn’t been good about my homework but that I’d put together the document and was now on the ball. She didn’t say anything about it, nor look at it (I could have cheated)! That said, we were pressed for time because I was so late…

She gave me another homework assignment.

I’m to eat “normally” through the weekend. For those of you who, like me, have had that “normal eating” thing broken for most of their lives, that means eating with attention, adjusting each meal to your hunger (eating only a dessert is an option), being relaxed during meals, and ENJOYING what you eat. So, that’s what I’m supposed to be trying to do every day, and in particular until Monday.

Then Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I am to have PIZZA FOR LUNCH. Come again? Yes, that’s right. Pizza. You know, the crunchy-chewy crust, tangy tomato sauce, gooey cheese and a few heavenly toppings — that stuff. Every day. EATING PIZZA EVERY DAY - THAT’S MY HOMEWORK!!!

Oh, I’m also supposed to really pay attention to the taste, to my satisfaction, my hunger, and I’m supposed to try to stop before it’s all gone. (Here in Europe pizzas are individual size - about 12 inches in diameter. You can eat a whole one but it’s a good amount of food. I usually eat the whole thing….)

The idea is to re-train my brain with my “taboo foods”.

I’ve decided to really give Dr Hope & her methods a true effort. I agree with her diagnosis that I am too uptight and un-natural with food. It’s not easy to change that, and it’s clearly not the same thing as dieting, but I think it’s more important to me right now than putting myself on yet another strict and restrictive eating program. I’m hoping to find a new normal at the end of this, one that will allow me to enjoy my life - and my food and manage a lower weight with ease and joy.

…and no, she still didn’t weight me!