I post if there is something to say, not just because.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had the time to write.

A little while ago, I started writing a post in regards to someone on the WW community board who, by no fault of her own really, forgot to boost her security on facebook and, as a result, was the recipient of a none too helpful comment about her size and riding a motorcycle.

I ended up not posting it because, after some time away from it, my indignant feelings had subsided somewhat.

Anyway, the moral of this post is motivation and goals.

I waver in my motivation for loads of reasons.  Recently I’ve been too darn busy to do anything, ergo clean eating doesn’t exist in my vocabulary and cooking is naught but a distant memory.

It all comes crashing back though when I try to put on a pair of jeans and feel like I’m being suffocated from the waist down.

A little while ago, I was invited to my high school’s 50th reunion.  I went to one a few years back, 40th maybe, and it was painful.  It was hard looking at pics of me when I was young and cute and slender.  It was hard looking at pics of me from the event where I was anything but young, cute and slender.  And then there are the annoying people you see at events such as reunions that you hope you’ll never see again.  It was the trifecta of wretchedness.

Anyway, so the 50th reunion is in 2014.  Just under two years away.  This is the goal date.

I am not going to be the same weight I was then.  I mean, I suppose I could try, but… truthfully it sounds like too much work.  I think the goal date is perfect.  It’s a measured amount of time.  I will work backwards for smaller, tangible goals to meet along the way.

Most importantly, I am making a vow to myself.  No more of this bullshit of working late all the time.  How can I accomplish all that I want to in my life if I’m always staying late at work?  I am depriving myself of the joy of accomplishing personal goals that, I truly believe, will fit in nicely with my work goals.

Right now this is just a jumble of things I want to start towards in the next, just under two years until my reunion.

  • Meditate daily
  • Practice some sort of physical healing program such as yoga
  • Clean my diet
  • I am vain.  I want to look on the outside as good as I do on the inside - dermatologist, aesthetics, wrinkle creams, you name it
  • Become more physically active
  • Work towards professional certifications

Of course this isn’t a comprehensive list.  But not bad for just off the top of my head!  I will post more about what it is that I want to do and how I will do it when I know.

“GO ON A DIET!”

I love unsolicited advice from total strangers.  Particularly advice from those that have a wonton disrespect for the rules of the road, for their health, and for others.  But first, a little background.

The other day I decided I needed to get to Popeye’s Supplements (http://www.popeyescanada.com).  I really wanted to get some multi-vitamins and protein powder.  In the past, I’ve always bought my protein powder from GNC, but this time I wanted to talk to someone that wasn’t going to look at me as an overweight woman and dismiss me.  So I had decided the trip to Popeye’s was in order.

The DH came and met me at work. We were both exhausted, but I was determined to get what I wanted and he opted to go along for the ride.  Actually, it was a walk and it was his suggestion!  Since I’ve been tied to a desk chair lately, I thought it would be a good idea to actually relearn how to walk.  So off we went to Popeye’s.

The DH isn’t a big crowd person and after a long day at work, he’s not going to want to walk up Yonge Street, so I thought of a slightly quieter route which, until we hit Bay and Queen, was going well.

As we were waiting for the light to change, there was a car that sped up through the amber light, and in turn, blocked the intersection.  Now, for those who don’t know me, when I’m tired I become cranky, and when I get cranky I get outspoken and I care less about whether people hear me or not.  Case in point.  We’re crossing the street and I have to step out into Bay Street traffic because of this car blocking the intersection.  I said, “Well, now that you’re blocking the intersection…” Yes, the car windows were open.

Apparently, this was the invitation to start a conversation between me and the driver.

The driver, a woman who looked far too haggard and could possibly have been old enough to be my mother, was hanging out the window, cigarette in hand, yelling at me that the light had changed whilst she was in the intersection.  I thought I’d be kind and point out to her that the light had in fact changed to amber and that she had sped up through the intersection.

I’m not even sure what other abuse she hurled (and I have to give her credit, she hurled the abuse!), but it ended with her sage advice: “GO ON A DIET!”

This actually made me laugh.  I mean, I turned around to look at her and made sure she saw I was laughing.  First of all, I was en route, on foot,  to getting supplement advice for body building and fat reduction, secondly, a woman that wasn’t looking terribly slender looking, driving a car and smoking a cigarette, was giving me advice to lose weight.  It was rather ironic.

So, as I was laughing I looked at her and said, “I can change.  Can you?” and off I went on my merry way, laughing more.  This incited both driver and passenger to start shouting more, but by this point I was back on my way, and not stuck in traffic.  I had given far too much time already to someone whose opinion mattered to me about as much as shit on my shoe.  And I’m pretty careful about stepping in shit.

At one time, I would have been really hurt by this sort of comment.  In fact, I dare say I would have gone home and cried.

It’s not rocket science, I do need to lose weight, but I don’t want to take a magic pill that will make me drop 100 pounds in five days and then I gain it all back and then some.  I want to do it the safe, healthy way and I know that’s going to take time.

What this woman did was make me angry and more determined.  Part of me thinks I should thank her!  Another part of me wants to bitch slap her, but - as the “bigger” woman, I’m trying to take the high road here.

So here’s to her, the ignorant woman in the car who thinks I need to go on a diet.  I would go on a diet, but really I’m all about making a lifestyle change.  But perhaps she should think about quitting smoking?

In the mean time, she should probably watch this video from Jennifer Livingston, weatherperson for WKBT-TV in La Crosse, Wisconsin.  Sometimes, when someone tells you you’re fat, you want to just ignore it and move on.  Never let them see you’re hurt.  But other times, something has to be said.  Good for you Ms. Livingston for speaking out.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/story/2012/10/03/anchor-tv-weight-facebook.html

I’m an all or nothing kind of girl.

One of my bad habits is that I’m an all or nothing sort of girl.  I believe in doing things whole hog or doing them half assed.  A former co-worker of mine set this in motion last year when he questioned why I was working and doing what I was doing in my old job and thought that I could be doing so much more.  I responded, slightly tongue in cheek, that I was the classic underachiever.  But the sad realisation is that I am indeed something of an underachiever.

I have coasted by, more like a passenger in my own life, than being in the driver’s seat.  It’s a shocking realisation that I actually need to make myself accountable for the choices I make.  That may sound obvious to some of you, but to others, I’m sure I’m not alone in this thinking.

How empowering is it to wake up and know that you, and only you, are responsible for your success as a person?  I don’t mean in how far up the corporate ladder you climb, or whether you become parent of the year or whatever, I just mean in the grand sense of things:  you’re happy with your lot in life, you like you as a person and you do things that feed your senses, not just your belly.  You contribute to life, not just bitch about something, you do something about it.

There’s an advert on T.V. for some weight loss company that has a guy who has lost over 100 pounds on the program.  He equates his weight loss as making him a more valuable employee and that he can now go to “upper management and share his ideas” etc.  Personally, I think that’s bullshit.  I may be larger than society norms, but I can go to upper management and not only share my ideas, but be heard and have them implemented.  Me being fat doesn’t make me stupid.

Okay, so clearly the benefits to being more slender is that you have a decreased risk of heart disease and stroke, less chance of developing diabetes etc.  So don’t get me wrong, if you’re taking care of your health, whatever your size, and you’re not missing work, your employer is going to be happier.

But enough about him.

As I said, I’m an all or nothing kind of girl, and as we approach October at the speed of light, I am starting a “12 Weeks to Wellness” program through my employee assistance program at work.  Hey, if you pay into these programs, use them!  To augment this particular program, I will also be working with a nutritionist to develop a sound foundation of wellness in which to build on.  I may be all or nothing, but I’m also a realist.  I didn’t get to where I am overnight, so it’s going to take some time to work through all of the stuff that I’ve got going on.

I’m also working on my clean eating shopping list.  I’m so excited to see some recipes that are clean and are exciting looking!  It’s not just, “here, eat a salad.”  Mind you, having to plan for five or six meals a day is going to be challenging.  I mean, I love eating, but it’s the prep work I could live without.

At any rate, I am now armed with eight Tosca Reno books, a new gym membership to kick in on Monday, a nutritionist and a game plan.  Again, it’s not going to be easy, but there’s something intrinsically exciting about starting this new chapter that will bring me right into the new year.

Why wait for spring? Do some fall cleaning!

Fall is my absolute favourite season.  I love the smell of freshly fallen leaves, the scent of someone’s fire place burning a real wood fire.  I love the cooler temperatures and wearing suede, boots and a cute scarf.  It was the season I was born in.  The season I got married in.  Fall, to me, isn’t the end.  To me it signals a new beginning.

I’ve lived in the same place now for just over nine years.  Do you know how much crap you can accumulate in nine years?!  I have so much crap, I have crap on my crap.  Or as the DH likes to say, it’s “Mount Rogue.”  Sad, but true.

When I first got on my bandwagon to lose weight, I had cleared out some of the food stuffs that were a little less healthy for me.  But being the clever kitten I am (insert sarcasm here), I saved the billions of plastic containers I had so I could store all my healthy foods in them so I could take them to work.

Only problem was… Grocery Store X would have Duncan Hines cake mix on sale, and then Grocery Store Y would have a better deal on Betty Crocker frostings and before you knew it, my pantry was overrun by cake mix and plastic containers that I never use.

In the last little while, I’ve been trying to get over to a healthier way of cleaning my flat - less chemicals,  more environmentally friendly cleaning products.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not reusing an old toothbrush to scrub grout with a paste of baking soda and water!  I’m still a creature of habit and like my cleaning products pre-made.  I’ve also started to adopt cleaner personal care items, like shower gels, shampoos, conditioners et cetera.  This one has been a bit tougher to do because I have the most hyper sensitive skin known to man.  I just look at certain products and my skin starts to get all wiggy!

But I am slowly streamlining my purchases so I’m not wasting as much money (I can’t even tell you how many bottles of foundation or tinted moisturizer I have at home that my skin rebels at) and I have happier skin.

Now that I want to get on a clean eating kick, I ask myself, why would I think it was still acceptable to use these old plastic containers to carry my fresh, healthy food in?

Thanks to a great deal at a national retailer that sells more than just tires, I’m going to be picking up a few sets of glass storage ware so I can freeze, portion and store my clean eats leftovers in.

And have you ever noticed that those things can only hold so much stuff?  Portion control!  Yes, I’m even happy that I won’t be able to go overboard on nibbling because of these new babies.  Do I feel the pounds melting off?  Well no, not yet.  But I will!

So now that I’m sorting out the kitchen/pantry situation (yes, I’m going through the pantry to find items such as Betty and Duncan to donate to a food drive), I figure, what the heck, let’s do the living room too.  I basically have my own personal library at home, chock full of books ranging from health, to sex, to sports to bodice rippers and a little of everything in between.  Even though there are a bazillion places one can donate books to, I feel like I’d be donating children.  I’m not sure that I want to part with my books… but I could part with all the alcohol that has accumulated in my place.  Odd that because I don’t drink.

I’m replacing my saggy sofa with a smaller, hipper leather two seater and leather chair, new (to me) bookshelves are coming in and in a storage cabinet I’m getting, I intend to put my healthy stuff in there - books on health, clean eating, cookbooks, fitness dvd’s, equipment, you name it.  As I joked with the DH yesterday, I want a place where I can see how much I’ve spent on things I never use.  :-)

Whatever is still in decent condition I will donate, and whatever is beyond repair will be safely disposed of.  And I have to tell you, there’s something to be said for getting yourself somewhat better organized.  It’s a different kind of weight I can feel melting.

Does this make me look fat?

So much is going on in my life right now: I’m back in night school finishing the last two course in my certificate program, I’m project managing the furniture removal and deconstruction of an office space about 11,000 square feet, I’m redecorating my apartment, I’m still doing my regular work stuff (I’m trying to source a tarot card reader for our holiday party.  My job is anything but dull!) and I’m trying to go to an eat clean lifestyle which will require me to get to the market and buy food.  If I could only find another, oh, ten hours in the day maybe.

To top it all of, I have a raging case of insomnia happening.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a truly healthy meal.  I can’t remember when I wasn’t drinking multiple coffees to try and make me human.

One thing I have been struggling with is balance.  I know that, for me, I will be happiest when I have a nice, little box in which to operate in: food prepped, meals planned and prepared, clothes organized, work stays at work, gym etc.  I think all of this can be done, but I have given myself the start date of October 1st to get “clean” and wow… when am I going to do that?  I have to work all weekend!

And yet, despite the shit storm going on, or maybe because of it, I am all the more determined to accomplish my goals.

I think when you get to a certain age, and for me it’s taken a long time to get to that certain age, you just get sick of it all.  Sick of the disorganization in your life, sick of the weight (be it too much or too little), sick of feeling sick and tired all the time.  You realise that you’ve got to make some sacrifices, even if they seem really rough in the early going, to get where you want to be later on.

Does my life make me look fat?  Oh it sure does right now!  But I know that, and while not comfortable with the reality of that statement, I do know what I have planned to change that.

But more on my goals later!

I am not a blogger. Really.

I typically write about things that interest me.  Or that peeve me off so much that I have the need to rant about them.

I write these things so that I don’t totally annoy the people I love with my crazy rants.

Having said that, I full on intend to write here as a means of not only ranting, but raving about things that have tickled my fancy, or to toot my own horn when something awesome happens.

As I am still on the fence as to whether I renew my WW eTools subscription, I’ll also use here, hopefully, as a means of keeping in touch with the wonderful group of women who I have met online.

But back to my lack of blogging skills.  If you’re looking for deep thoughts, they may never come.  If you’re looking for a perpetual pity party, well, I’m trying to put those shenanigans behind me.  If you’re thinking that I’m looking to some deity to get me on the road to skinny, in two words I can sum that up: hells no!

I will do my best to not throw words and phrases like, “I hope I can lose weight!” because I know I can, or “I wish the pounds would just melt off me!” because they didn’t just magically appear over night, they aren’t going to magically disappear either.

Words like, try, hope, wish are all good words, but not when you want to accomplish something.  Like Yoda says, “Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.”

Oh, and one more thing.  I have a bit of a potty mouth.  Okay, a lot of one.  I will strive to be on my best behaviour, but seriously, don’t hold your breath.  I like dropping the odd f-bomb.  :-)