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the story <3

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you

Because even when I was flat broke

You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what
I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you…
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you

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just breathe..oh breathe just breathe.

well hopefully i can write this time, last time i tried to blog we had a medical emergency, but all is good now..

was off for awhile but back on my plan again. at 311.8, i wrote on my wrist 309 bc i can’t get past 310 and that is so dumb! i need to get out of these damn 300’s…tired of being blubberriffic

ummm i guess i really don’t have much to say today, but i got my ipod on and kinda distracted by the music..

friend is going to stay the weekend, so i have to go shopping and hope that if we have food here she won’t want to go out to eat, bc i just can’t say no…grrrr. what is wrong with me!!!!!

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not keeping up

with writing here. i never seem to get computer time when i feel like writing. well never mind….i have to go, grandma is having chest pains again.

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little on the depressed side….

i have decided i want to go to college, i am in my early 30’s, i tried going to a college back in 05, but it was a joke, they were a rip off, i owe federal loans tons of it, for just a semester.. totally got screwed..so i read that you can’t get any loans if your loans aren’t in good standing…man i need a break so bad, a decent job so i can have money to pay off my loan, or something….i need to do something with my life…i wish i knew now what i knew when i was younger…interest that have developed etc….my high school was so little and pathetic..but i guess not everyone can have a break in life..well one thing i can control is my weight…so just got to focus on that and hopefully better things will come from that…so many things are overwhelming me right now, that i could cry, and i am not a crier unless too much builds up, and then its usually only certain time of the month…so i don’t know what is going on…okay time to stop whining.

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been awhile since i wrote

just haven’t been in the mood to write, i am doing intermittent fasting and low carb, 3rd month will be up soon. currently my weight is 313.2 so its still coming off, i gave up on the low calorie, since my 2nd month was such awful results. but i am still around.

p.s. changed the name of my blog..well because i can… i am ready for my mcdreamy (: and as long as i eat crap i will never get there….

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wake up in the mornin feelin like

now how exactly does p diddy feel when he wakes up…that song is constantly getting in my head though…very catchy.

can you believe today is the start of month 3. wow!!! i might not of did very good on month 2, but here i am month 3 and feeling so much better, girls have it so rough with the weight loss…oh it sucks..ha.

right now my weight is 322.2, and i don’t want to accept that as my end of month 2 total…(tmi waiting to go to bathroom) i was less yesterday, and i stayed on plan yesterday…haha…maybe thats the problem my body is mad at me!!! i was 320.6 yesterday!! so big difference…i did do some stomach crunches and a few other things before i went to bed last night…yes i am proud of myself…exercise just doesn’t come easy to me….oh and get this i did yard work too yesterday…picked up sticks and raked tons of leaves, its not done yet, but i can’t do more until next week bc we have a trash limit :( and what doesn’t fit in the totes they wont pick up…one tote is full of leaves and sticks and got 3 trashbags full, which i am hoping will fit in the bigger tote monday night when we set the trash out..our city is lame. but enough about that.

right now it is peaceful :) everyone else went to church this morning…just me and our 6 animals!!!! and the loud mouth dog is currently outside, tried to get him in, looks like it is going to rain but he wouldn’t move.

i think i have decided to cut down my calories, and see how i lose, so my goal was under 2000 before, now i am going to try under 1700, which…it wasn’t very often that i would get to 2000 so i am hoping now that i won’t reach 1700..and maybe this is why my weight loss feels so slow, i might be having too many calories….well all i can do is try. i am just really really really tired of seeing 300 plus on the scale, i need to get down out of the 3’s will make my weight loss struggle seem less bleak..i had really wanted to be under 300 by next month but that isn’t going to happen…so my other under 300 goal that i have on 3fc is in june, i am just 20 pounds away..so i am hoping cutting back on a few more calories will help make that happen

okay i am rambling….

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well well well

this is gonna be a lot of tmi, time of month junk..

it has been the weirdest period i have ever had, it started on friday, but not much, saturday not much, sunday not much, which is weird in itself, my 2nd and 3rd are always really heavy.. but the pain i have been experiencing is so much more than normal, and it goes along with my 2nd and 3rd day. but a heating pad will ease it, not yesterday, i was crying, doubled over, walking the floors, no heating pad would help..i felt like i was rosemary about carrying satans baby..it was that bad, so i went to the er..by the time i finally got seen my pain had calmed down..course that was hours later.

i was so mad, yes i understand if someone comes in with a more pressing emergency..but that was not the case. one guy had leg pain, one girl kidney stones, one woman i don’t know what was wrong with her but she was walking around and talking just fine, and a 10 year old boy who was also walking around just fine…all these people came in after me, but got seen before me. i don’t see how that is fair at all. and there was a dope head out there trying to get drugs and got into a verbal fight with the cops on duty..

so anyways they had me pee in a cup…gross..especially during tom. they don’t listen, i told them i have severe pain every month, just this month was worse that i have ever had it, but they still thought i was a urinary infection…umm whatever…so they gave me pain pills and antiinflammatory…i personally think something is wrong..yeah people hurt during their period, but this month was relentless, and the heating pad always at least takes the edge off of my pain.

as my pain died down my hunger grew, i had only ate cottage cheese up til this point…9pm..but was so nauseated i couldn’t eat..so when we left the hospital we ate arbys, and a candy bar and a half…but i still ended the day under 2000 and actually down a pound this morning..it might catch up with me tomorrow…and thats another thing about this month…i haven’t gained a whole lot, last month i was up 6 pounds i think…and as of today i am only up less than 2 pounds..my period is just very odd this month.and i will be glad when it is over.

i probably need to see a gyno but i don’t have insurance, i actually think i am going to call about medicaid, the caseworker got my sister on it, although she didn’t qualify…so maybe i will get lucky…guess it wont hurt to try.

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a lot of emotions going on…..

to start with the earthquake in japan and the tsunami is the pacific. very sad and upset about it. its just another reminder how one minute you can be living your life, and the next minute you can be dead, or someone you love can be dead. all i can do is pray for the people involved. pray for their strength to hold up, and to remain calm and that they can find peace in all of it. whatelse can you pray for?

now to happier news

my best friend is probably pregnant, she had a test that was positive, shes gonna have someone do her bloodwork this weekend for a better confirmation, just hope its a safe healthy pregnancy as she is still very overweight. i am so excited for her though, she has wanted this for so long, and they have been trying to adopt, got turned down by the korean adoption people because of her weight. which sucks..her husband is korean and adopted, so they wanted to do a second generation of it.

the past 2 days i have been slowly gaining, tom started today..well barely…i just want to get it over with so i can start losing again…its hard to know if you are on the right path if you just keep gaining and gaining…

i had got under 320, 319.2 but i am up a few pounds now, and im sure it will climb even higher for a few days…is it not bad enough that we get a period to start with…but then to add all the bloating and pain and emotions that come with it, its just cruel ha!

i am really tired, but i feel like i haven’t wrote here for days, just hard to get free private time with the computer…

been working on my bl video application, of course now my partner is pregnant….but i guess i will send it in anyways….you can’t win the lottery if you don’t play…..

my ear started hurting tonight…well more like sharp pains like 5 or 6 times…i don’t know what was up with it. been about a hour now since it happen…so i am hoping whatever it was is done..

trying to get the last bit of my water drank…almost 2am…i had been going to bed earlier…but with the tom etc..i was really tired today and gave in to a nap, about 3 hours worth. i ended up at 1500 calories, i was under a 1000 but i ate some great northern beans, and 2 fiber bars…haha yeah i know….but i think im getting a chocolate craving kicking in…and i needed the fiber..so oh well it is what it is.

i don’t know why i had so much problems getting my calories up today, i ate today..i had roast beef in whole wheat wraps. and a serving of buffalo chicken and brussell sprouts..cottage cheese and tomatos..and then finally the beans and fiber bars…that is another reason why i am trying to stay awake to finish the water and to give my food a little longer…been trying not to go to bed on a full stomach give it at least a couple of hours, and i think it has been a couple of hours now…or almost anyways..

i have noticed i have been trying to increase my protein but then my fiber goes down, so i have had a very high fiber day today, the past couple of days i had high protein days but barely any fiber, its hard to do both…so i don’t know if i should focus on the fiber or protein, or maybe alternate days..20 pounds away from 299..i am getting there slowly..tomorrow(saturday) is my last day of week 7!!! wow almost 2 months on plan. i would like to lose at a faster pace, but im just not willing to cut too much out of my diet right now, but im losing so its working, regardless i weigh 16 pounds less than i did. and i will soon hit 314…well maybe not soon…but 5 pounds away..and that is the lowest weight i could find recorded from last years diet…and that was one of my mini goals..

well i should go..

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blog envy

got a bad case of it…not having any luck getting pictures to load..i want a pwetty blog. some peoples blogs are so nice, and i am at least somewhat creative, but for whatever reason i can’t seem to blog decent.

my weight was a little up today, like .4 but thats okay, it wasn’t from anything i did, i had lost 4 days in a row..so it had to stop at some point, although i did quiet enjoy those days of being down on the scale every day. i think i am going to try to play around on here and maybe get some pictures to load right.

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mind if i bitch for a minute????

bitch #1 spam comments….i don’t want to enlarge my penis…that would be pretty impressive if your product works…considering im a girl

bitch #2 ppl under 200 pounds on 3fc moaning that they are whales or cows or what have you……i am twice your weight so shut up. you are after attention…get over it. how do you think it makes us big girls feel..seriously..think about it.

ahhhhh i feel better now :)  weight loss is actually going rather well. have lost almost 3 pounds this month in 4 days…now if it could just keep it up the whole month!! sitting at 320.8  so that means  20.9 more pounds and i am out of the 300’s  SAY WHAT

yeah that is pretty exciting for me. i have lost 14.2 pounds since jan 23 and week 6 is almost done..actually saturday is the last day..sunday starts week 7 of being on plan..yeah that is pretty rad, and i am proud of myself..not often i can say something like that.

i ordered a camcorder should be here next week, its called ge dv1…it is waterproof, shock resistance, and dustproof…and the waterproof is like to 15 feet…awesome!!!!! i needed something to make my bl audition tape…yup thats right …im trying..i went to casting call last weekend. so now i need to make my video and send it in with my application by march 25 yikes!!!! i hope this camera is easy to work..and i hope i can come up with an awesome video!!!!!!!!!

i had a lot of trouble trying to decide what camcorder to buy, seems they are all pretty lousy with low light conditions.. there is a kodak playsport which is also waterproof, lots of people loved it, but lots of people hated it, seems there were some lemons sent out and sold…and i don’t have time to fool with faulty equipment. i didn’t want a flip because there is no memory card slot…just fingers crossed that i picked out the right one…and i was thinking it would be cool to use in a pool this summer.

hopefully next time i post i will be out of the 320’s forever!!!!!!!!! 3teens coming up..repto is getting there..slow and steady wins the race…hey a play on my name…awesome.

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