God, I am so depressed, crying depressed again. I probably should be doped up. I’m sure people on Prozac and shit probably feel a lot better than I feel most of the time and yet go for antidepressants. With me, it’s just, well, this is the way it is, there’s nothing you can do but try to fight mental with mental (and exercise and good eating….which I, by the way, have NOT been doing). It’s part of the reason for the depression, drinking, smoking, eating junk food, not getting much exercise. But the real reason is because I can’t ride my horse, my routine is gone, I have no love in my life and then I feel shitty and make it worse by, for example, today not going at all because I felt sick. Well, I did have asthma and my lungs hurt but I knew if I went it would probably get better. But, I also knew I would only see my horse and I feel bad for her all cooped up.
In any case, any time I start writing I start to feel better. I wonder if that indicates something, like that I like to write…hmmm…it would be nice to find something I can do. Oh, hell, it all just feels like too much to me anymore. But why? Why can I not embrace life and welcome the experience, take the good with the bad and not have it beat me down?
I stay out till morning (did it again on Tuesday night even though I didn’t want to I went along with a guy who was himself depressed and looking for a drinking partner to help cheer him up and that was me) and of course the alcohol depresses me further. It feels OK while I’m drinking and I say I am using this time to find myself, to explore and perhaps I am, perhaps it is a good experience. On the other hand, it makes much of the rest of my life seem all the more depressing in itself, the drag at work, the lack of joy, the lack of even interest in my work, in anything anymore and now riding without my horse, who was really my love, or is, but when I can’t ride her it’s not the same. Sigh.
The couple articles I write leave me feeling inept. I know they’re nothing special, but then, is anyone’s? What does “good” mean? Writing about someone who does good? Writing about someone whose story is utterly amazing, thus making the story my story. No, I think that’s what happens too much. It’s the story that makes the article appear good, when a good writer should be able to take the mundane and turn it into something memorable. That’s what I would like to achieve.
Oh, hell, my fingers are cracked, raw, so painful. My skin on my scalp and my arms is dry and flaking and so itchy. It just makes everything feel that much worse.
Oh, I wish something would help me feel better.