7thDecember

reset…

Ok, I figured I had to get in here and post an update, especially after reading that horrible last post. I was really down and it wasn’t like me to go on and on like that…or is it? LOL.

In any case, I’m feeling a lot better even though I have had some rough days, or is it because I have had some rough days…and…gotten through them with class that I feel better. I would say it’s the latter. 

Yup, it’s over one entire month since I had a drop of alcohol. The same goes for smoking and sugar isn’t far behind. I’m finally figuring out how to sit with my emotions and all the shite that happens in life and get through without overeating and drinking.

It’s taken long enough.

Here’s a photo from the Nov. 30 Japan Cup I took with my phone. Late afternoon sun low in the sky. Italian rider Mirco Demuro aboard winner race ninth pick Screen Hero raises his arm in triumph for the cameras. Vodka came in fourth.

Mirco Demuro raises his arm in triumph aboard Screen Hero after winning the 2008 Japan Cup at Tokyo Racecourse.

30thOctober

the pits….

God, I am so depressed, crying depressed again. I probably should be doped up. I’m sure people on Prozac and shit probably feel a lot better than I feel most of the time and yet go for antidepressants. With me, it’s just, well, this is the way it is, there’s nothing you can do but try to fight mental with mental (and exercise and good eating….which I, by the way, have NOT been doing). It’s part of the reason for the depression, drinking, smoking, eating junk food, not getting much exercise. But the real reason is because I can’t ride my horse, my routine is gone, I have no love in my life and then I feel shitty and make it worse by, for example, today not going at all because I felt sick. Well, I did have asthma and my lungs hurt but I knew if I went it would probably get better. But, I also knew I would only see my horse and I feel bad for her all cooped up.

In any case, any time I start writing I start to feel better. I wonder if that indicates something, like that I like to write…hmmm…it would be nice to find something I can do. Oh, hell, it all just feels like too much to me anymore. But why? Why can I not embrace life and welcome the experience, take the good with the bad and not have it beat me down?

I stay out till morning (did it again on Tuesday night even though I didn’t want to I went along with a guy who was himself depressed and looking for a drinking partner to help cheer him up and that was me) and of course the alcohol depresses me further. It feels OK while I’m drinking and I say I am using this time to find myself, to explore and perhaps I am, perhaps it is a good experience. On the other hand, it makes much of the rest of my life seem all the more depressing in itself, the drag at work, the lack of joy, the lack of even interest in my work, in anything anymore and now riding without my horse, who was really my love, or is, but when I can’t ride her it’s not the same. Sigh.

The couple articles I write leave me feeling inept. I know they’re nothing special, but then, is anyone’s? What does “good” mean? Writing about someone who does good? Writing about someone whose story is utterly amazing, thus making the story my story. No, I think that’s what happens too much. It’s the story that makes the article appear good, when a good writer should be able to take the mundane and turn it into something memorable. That’s what I would like to achieve.

Oh, hell, my fingers are cracked, raw, so painful. My skin on my scalp and my arms is dry and flaking and so itchy. It just makes everything feel that much worse.

Oh, I wish something would help me feel better.

20thOctober

back on the horse…

I did get back on…not the wagon, that I’m still on…but the HORSE. I knew I was going to have a choice of 1) canceling 2) riding by myself, which is easier 3) go into the small round ring OR …horrors…. 4) the big arena, 20 x 60 meters, the big scary ring by the road, surrounded by bushes with openings where real scary things like bicycles and loud motorcycles and little kids pass by and this construction supply center across that tiny road that is always swinging things around on cranes and making noises and spooking the horses. Sigh. It was one of those four I had to choose from..it was ONE of those I could choose from….and not lose all face entirely. No. 4 it had to be. 

To make a long story short, the teacher asked which it was going to be (by that time it was 3 or 4) but when I said it was scary after yesterday out in the big ring, she said, ok, then the round ring and walked off while I was to warm up. Of course, I knew I had to get out there and be scared again and face those fears and dangers, so I went out into the big ring. I hope my teach was pleased when she came back. 

Again, the horse was freaking in the corner and this time I almost fell off. She was freaking a lot too. I think the teacher must have been using the whip on her too much earlier in the week to get her listening and she just remembered that in the corners….anyhow….maybe not….it could have been something else. Well, I did it, I feel good. I went to the gym afterward, did a bit of weights, jogged a bit. I am sore all over, including my thumb, which must have gotten yanked around yesterday when I was hanging onto the bucking strap for dear life. Deep sigh.

So, lesson today was what I knew already, so maybe it’s better to say today was a test. I HAD to get back on the horse and I had to face my fears, or I may as well have given up. In any case, it was a hell of a weekend. I have never in recent memory felt so devastated and despairing as I did on Saturday. And that’s odd, because I feel pretty despairing all the time.

Wish me luck, folks.