5thJuly

no panic!!

They say that attitude is everything and I am seeing just how true this is. I lie awake for hours at night scared shitless by what appears to be impending doom, worried sick by the lack of work and nothing on the horizon. I KNOW I shouldn’t be thinking these things. I know I should be beating them from my head but don’t know HOW to accomplish that. I feel that telling myself it will be all right or focusing on the things that have worked out in my life are acts of denial. In short, though, I’m just tired, tired of having to trying so hard to stave off the fear.

Yesterday, going out to where I used to have my horse, memories of a different me arose. I remember how I used to feel then, with no worries beyond getting in to work. Shit. It sucks. Ah! There is that kind of thinking again. The kind I have to and WILL annihilate.

We become what we focus our thoughts on. If that is the case, then I can expect more of what I’ve been focusing on, the shit!

Instead, I will focus on either emptying my head of thought or on the progress I have made, no matter how small. What does an oak tree look like at the time of germination?