19thDecember

carry that weight….

Well, I was really bummed today, really depressed feeling. I went to get my hair cut and it’s in this somewhat posh part of town. I ALWAYS get so depressed walking through there mostly because I see all these shops with overpriced stuff that I can’t imagine anyone wanting let alone actually buying and yet these shops exist despite all the people who (like me) can’t even afford new shoes. I think, what kind of people support these stores. I never even see shoppers in them. It’s such a downer.

Anyhow, afterward I went and dropped money in another part of town on the old staple, books and magazines. That made me feel a little better. Then I went to the gym and jogged and cycled and the sweat pouring off me felt SO good. So, did upping the treadmill to 9.9 kph and running to some Chemical Brothers. Then a long walk home. 

I walked a lot today and kept getting heavier and heavier because I had bought things. My backpack was full and I had a waistpack on and bags in both hands. My feet were starting to hurt and I was wondering just how much weight I was carrying. When I got home I weighed everything and I was surprised to find it was only about 10 kg (23 pounds)! Wow. I never think much of 10 kg but it just goes to show what it feels like on your feet after a while. This means I will definitely have something to look forward to if/when I lose 10 kg because I will feel that much lighter on my feet! 

Actually, there was a time a couple years ago where I definitely packed on the fat, probably around 5 kg of it and my knees really started hurting. I was surprised, didn’t think 5 kg would make any difference but I guess it does, That’s 12 pounds and if just doesn’t sound like much but I suppose there’s a point where your body just says, “No more!” and starts hurting. 

Well, other than that, my self-ban on booze, cigs and sugar continues. I am at that point though where I am starting to toy with the idea of drinking again, or eating sugar. I hope to not smoke. Part of me wants to just do a complete about-face and stop drinking totally and the other part wants my freedom. It feels cool to be a teetotaler for now because it was so NOT me. There is great freedom in not having to figure in late mornings to give myself time to recuperate, freedom in only having to shake off a lack of sleep instead of a hangover, freedom in knowing I am not going to stay out till dawn and that my morning commitments will be met. There is freedom in this stability and consistency and I like it. But, I do miss hunkering down with a friend over a number of pints and hours of conversation. I’ve got to find a compromise and it’s not to be found in moderation, No, it’s just not me. 

I have to figure something out though because allowing myself too much rein leads to … well, you know what I do with it… 

Picture of my horse, Heidi, taken yesterday with my phone….

11thOctober

at it again…

I was just reading back on my posts and was surprised to see me saying “it’s been four weeks without drinking.” Wow, the fact that I did that, that I could do it, amazes me now.

I know I sound like some sort of alcoholic and I’m not, really I’m not, hahaha, but with me over the past year drinking has become way too much of a substitute for the things that I would do, used to do, to improve the quality of my life, things as admirable as studying or doing extra freelance work or as mundane as eating very healthfully and getting ample sleep. 

This is Tokyo and drinking — and it’s a culture here — is perfectly acceptable, in fact, it is very uncool not to drink in an afterwork business environment or not to go out and drink with work colleagues. You are basically not to be trusted if you can’t go out and “get to know new business acquaintances” or “hang out with mates.” You are supposed to pour beer for each other (which prompts the other person to drink) and match each other round for round.

For years I did that and it was all very fine and good, but it has to stop because of what I said above, that’s where my LIFE is stopping!

Ah, this morning I was up early (5 a.m.) and out to go riding. It was SO nice to not be hungover or tired from lack of sleep or asking myself why I didn’t go home earlier and why did I drink so much on a night before riding. Now I really sound like an alkie! Most of all though, I was alert. My brain was not fogged. It was functioning well in light of the early hour. Ah, such is bliss. Bliss, like, well, searching for photos from my phone, like a sunflower against a blue sky filled with fluffy white clouds…. 

And I think back to how hard it was last night to not hook up with someone after work for some pints, to trudge home feeling bored and tired and knowing I had not much to look forward to other than a filthy room, which I knew I was not going to touch. I was so tempted to call someone, mail someone and say, “heh, where are you? Can I join you?” ….because there is always someone out drinking. And if I don’t find someone, there are always all the bars I can just walk into and talk with the owner or the customers, another thing I was doing a LOT recently.

It felt so boring to just GO HOME. And that’s when it really struck home. I have to first MAKE that life before I have it to look forward to, whatever that life may be, whatever things may be part of it. And that takes time. But more importantly, it takes DOING. OK, I may get more sleep just going home and sitting there staring at the television, but maybe I could do something else that would help me to later expand my horizons while still just sitting at home…like, studying, like, doing freelance work to supplement my income. Ah, lightbulbs. Ah, duh.

You see, I said things were getting clearer. (((((cheer))))))

 

 

 

 

Hmmm…it’s now four weeks without alcohol and nearly as much off sugar and cigs. I have more energy, well, more consistent energy. Getting up in the morning is just a matter of sleep and not hangovers. It feels good. I feel so much more in control. I AM more in control. People text message me to go drinking. Those times are like distant times. Yet near, it is all too easy to get back into old ways. I want to be able to have FUN when I go out and I’m hoping I can have fun by making those times rare times, not every other day. 

18thJuly

weighty efforts

It’ll be three weeks off any kind of alcohol today, three weeks!! and I am losing the midsection roll. Just goes to show how bad things were that three weeks could get me back wearing a blouse I haven’t worn in months, not wanting to show the roll. It is huge progress and yet I feel so deprived. Why do I belittle the joy of not having to hide under billowing shirts? Why do I belittle the effort I have put into this, three weeks of wanting to have a pint with coworkers. It is also almost three weeks off sugar and cigarettes and there again, the cravings have been difficult, especially the sugar. And yet, I start to think, what for? why continue? Stop it and just keep at it!!