29thOctober

slow progress

Well, it’s over a week into my eating clean challenge and, though I have made some progress, it’s ridiculously slow. In fact, I can’t believe how slow it is. It’s so easy to put the fat on but it takes forever to take it off. It’s like spending money and earning money, only reversed in what we want to do.

I am so discouraged, so depressed. Why can’t I make any progress that makes me feel better? Maybe it’s just because I’m getting old and it all seems to get worse no matter what you do. It’s not like when I was younger and I could actually improve things. Now, an improvement is still worse than what it was , in all respects. What it was years ago, or even a year ago. That’s what is so hard. Well, not hard, it just sucks. Is it possible to feel an improvement without looking at the overall degeneration? Maybe not. But should that be the goal? Should that be the measure. Did being able to look SO much better years ago motivate me back then? No, it didn’t. I was always moaning, always complaining and that’s how I’ve basically wasted my life.

I don’t want to waste my days now crying about this and hating myself, but I don’t exactly feel good. What is wrong with me?!

Eat Clean Challenge — Day 1 completed, 3 pauses left

Well, I got through. It was not the greatest, but on the weekend I will take it. I ate too much, was stuffed doing it but did it anyhow. And for this challenge, I will allow that, though not for long. The important thing is to eat clean. The next is to ax the cigs and alcohol and plan and review my eating…but let me get this under my belt a bit more… 

In any case I have had a lousy weekend, though I got to the gym and made some vegetable stew last night and now, before 6:30 a.m. I have lunch packed and am about to get ready to go to the gym before work. What I mean by a “lousy weekend” is that nothing “good” (things that make me feel happy!) is coming from the outside, so it’s a real bummer. On top of that, negative and “downer” things are coming. 

And insteand of feeling good about the good things I’m doing for myself, I just feel angry and irritated that I have to do everything with NO real reward. Losing weight just doesn’t do it. I guess I have to come up with some other reward that hinges on whether I eat clean, i.e. buy myself something or do something cool IF I get through a certain number of days of clean eating. Also, I may breakdown the challenges in smaller elements, because “eating clean” in a good way involves all these other things, like buying food, cooking it, packing it, all things I am not good at. Sigh. Ok, just wanted to get it out here…..