20thDecember

an act of denial…

They say that the act of creation is an act of denial and I’m thinking this may be the way to give myself the boost I need to get somewhere ELSE, somewhere I will be glad to have gotten, but somewhere I just AIN’T going right now. 

I am stuck, stuck in the mud of routine and I am sick of it YET fail to sustain any effort long enough to bring about the changes I want to see.

But first of all, I want to make a general self-assessment of how I perceive what I have accomplished or gotten through in the past months:

 I have gone through a hellfire of no money, huge debts, huge disappointment all around, deception, betrayal, health problems and am beaten down by it all

Despite all that, YES, despite all that, I am here and alive and stronger than ever. I have sloughed off the illusion of spirituality and all related hocus pocus and have finally realized that I’m in this alone. If some forces/ghosts/powers that be want to help me, then fine, go ahead, but I’m not waiting around for any of it any longer. At best, I may get lucky and that’s about it. Because I’ve seen that there is NO logic for anything and chance is just that, thus nothing to give a shit about. If it comes, smile and celebrate, when it doesn’t, carry on despite whatever may be. We’re all just heading to the grave anyhow.

The only one making things happen is ME. Sure, I’m not in it alone. Of course not, but that doesn’t mean I can sit back and wait for some luck nymph to dance into my room and lead me to my paradise. No, if anything, I’m going to have to crawl there, eating dirt all the way.

Ok, back to the assessment.

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I’ve stopped smoking, given up the fags and the 410 yen they would now cost me every day if I smoked a pack. I quit shortly after the price hike Oct. 1, so that’s nearly three months off them. I rarely drink either.

I’ve been taking vitamins and my skin, though it still has bad patches, is good. Here, however, I have NO idea what is affecting my skin and I don’t know if anything I do makes it better or worse so actually this is no solace.

I am back practicing the piano and though I have no piece for a repertoire, it’s getting close.

My room is less a lot of boxes and I can actually not look like the nutcase I think I am if anyone were to see it. 

I have a parttime job that pays better than minimum wage. I have some regular students and I’ve written some profiles this year. I have connections still with places that can provide work. In other words, I haven’t totally alienated places.

I have a lot of muscle and my body, though still covered in fat, is tighter than ever. My weight hovers around 70 kg and that, though far from the 60 kg I would like to be (with muscle) is 5 kg less than what I was at the high early in this year.

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OK, now….the next step is going to be taking this to the next level.

 


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