5thJuly

no panic!!

They say that attitude is everything and I am seeing just how true this is. I lie awake for hours at night scared shitless by what appears to be impending doom, worried sick by the lack of work and nothing on the horizon. I KNOW I shouldn’t be thinking these things. I know I should be beating them from my head but don’t know HOW to accomplish that. I feel that telling myself it will be all right or focusing on the things that have worked out in my life are acts of denial. In short, though, I’m just tired, tired of having to trying so hard to stave off the fear.

Yesterday, going out to where I used to have my horse, memories of a different me arose. I remember how I used to feel then, with no worries beyond getting in to work. Shit. It sucks. Ah! There is that kind of thinking again. The kind I have to and WILL annihilate.

We become what we focus our thoughts on. If that is the case, then I can expect more of what I’ve been focusing on, the shit!

Instead, I will focus on either emptying my head of thought or on the progress I have made, no matter how small. What does an oak tree look like at the time of germination?

 

 

 

3rdJuly

sugar blues

Been off sugar a week now and was hit so hard with something like the flu that I can’t say it was hard not eating sugar. I’m still sick and wondering if it isn’t sugar withdrawal symptoms. 

I am better though and now that I feel better, the first thing I do is start looking for sugar. God, what an addict I am. And, what’s worse, is that this time I’m actually looking at labels and everything has sugar in it. I can see that the only way I’ll be able to be truly free of the crap is if I do all my cooking by myself from scratch. Damn. What a bummer.

On the other hand, seeing this just makes it all the more obvious I have to get off the stuff. It can’t be doing me any good. I feel awful, constant headache, stuffy nose, disorientation and general feeling of weakness and slow response and this is now, when I feel MUCH better. This is the first time I have had such a reaction after stopping sugar. Don’t know if that means anything or if it’s all just a coincidence. I also stopped alcohol and cigarettes at the same time. 

Let’s hope things get better.