29thOctober

slow progress

Well, it’s over a week into my eating clean challenge and, though I have made some progress, it’s ridiculously slow. In fact, I can’t believe how slow it is. It’s so easy to put the fat on but it takes forever to take it off. It’s like spending money and earning money, only reversed in what we want to do.

I am so discouraged, so depressed. Why can’t I make any progress that makes me feel better? Maybe it’s just because I’m getting old and it all seems to get worse no matter what you do. It’s not like when I was younger and I could actually improve things. Now, an improvement is still worse than what it was , in all respects. What it was years ago, or even a year ago. That’s what is so hard. Well, not hard, it just sucks. Is it possible to feel an improvement without looking at the overall degeneration? Maybe not. But should that be the goal? Should that be the measure. Did being able to look SO much better years ago motivate me back then? No, it didn’t. I was always moaning, always complaining and that’s how I’ve basically wasted my life.

I don’t want to waste my days now crying about this and hating myself, but I don’t exactly feel good. What is wrong with me?!

Eat Clean Challenge — Day 1 completed, 3 pauses left

Well, I got through. It was not the greatest, but on the weekend I will take it. I ate too much, was stuffed doing it but did it anyhow. And for this challenge, I will allow that, though not for long. The important thing is to eat clean. The next is to ax the cigs and alcohol and plan and review my eating…but let me get this under my belt a bit more… 

In any case I have had a lousy weekend, though I got to the gym and made some vegetable stew last night and now, before 6:30 a.m. I have lunch packed and am about to get ready to go to the gym before work. What I mean by a “lousy weekend” is that nothing “good” (things that make me feel happy!) is coming from the outside, so it’s a real bummer. On top of that, negative and “downer” things are coming. 

And insteand of feeling good about the good things I’m doing for myself, I just feel angry and irritated that I have to do everything with NO real reward. Losing weight just doesn’t do it. I guess I have to come up with some other reward that hinges on whether I eat clean, i.e. buy myself something or do something cool IF I get through a certain number of days of clean eating. Also, I may breakdown the challenges in smaller elements, because “eating clean” in a good way involves all these other things, like buying food, cooking it, packing it, all things I am not good at. Sigh. Ok, just wanted to get it out here…..

29thDecember

inner change…

 Last night I had a dream that I was setting out on a world journey and I stopped in some drugstore and was saying that I should mark the journey with a change, like eating real healthy or something. What I think this was showing was that I am feeling a real change in my outlook. I am starting to WANT to do something better and that shows true progress. I mean, the only way I could stick to better eating is to make them part of my life, part of my routine and that is going to necessitate desire. So, perhaps allowing myself the junk, yet deciding I have to be accountable for it by recording it, is bringing about this desire. Good stuff! 

20thDecember

an act of denial…

They say that the act of creation is an act of denial and I’m thinking this may be the way to give myself the boost I need to get somewhere ELSE, somewhere I will be glad to have gotten, but somewhere I just AIN’T going right now. 

I am stuck, stuck in the mud of routine and I am sick of it YET fail to sustain any effort long enough to bring about the changes I want to see.

But first of all, I want to make a general self-assessment of how I perceive what I have accomplished or gotten through in the past months:

 I have gone through a hellfire of no money, huge debts, huge disappointment all around, deception, betrayal, health problems and am beaten down by it all

Despite all that, YES, despite all that, I am here and alive and stronger than ever. I have sloughed off the illusion of spirituality and all related hocus pocus and have finally realized that I’m in this alone. If some forces/ghosts/powers that be want to help me, then fine, go ahead, but I’m not waiting around for any of it any longer. At best, I may get lucky and that’s about it. Because I’ve seen that there is NO logic for anything and chance is just that, thus nothing to give a shit about. If it comes, smile and celebrate, when it doesn’t, carry on despite whatever may be. We’re all just heading to the grave anyhow.

The only one making things happen is ME. Sure, I’m not in it alone. Of course not, but that doesn’t mean I can sit back and wait for some luck nymph to dance into my room and lead me to my paradise. No, if anything, I’m going to have to crawl there, eating dirt all the way.

Ok, back to the assessment.

***********

I’ve stopped smoking, given up the fags and the 410 yen they would now cost me every day if I smoked a pack. I quit shortly after the price hike Oct. 1, so that’s nearly three months off them. I rarely drink either.

I’ve been taking vitamins and my skin, though it still has bad patches, is good. Here, however, I have NO idea what is affecting my skin and I don’t know if anything I do makes it better or worse so actually this is no solace.

I am back practicing the piano and though I have no piece for a repertoire, it’s getting close.

My room is less a lot of boxes and I can actually not look like the nutcase I think I am if anyone were to see it. 

I have a parttime job that pays better than minimum wage. I have some regular students and I’ve written some profiles this year. I have connections still with places that can provide work. In other words, I haven’t totally alienated places.

I have a lot of muscle and my body, though still covered in fat, is tighter than ever. My weight hovers around 70 kg and that, though far from the 60 kg I would like to be (with muscle) is 5 kg less than what I was at the high early in this year.

**************

OK, now….the next step is going to be taking this to the next level.

 

5thJuly

no panic!!

They say that attitude is everything and I am seeing just how true this is. I lie awake for hours at night scared shitless by what appears to be impending doom, worried sick by the lack of work and nothing on the horizon. I KNOW I shouldn’t be thinking these things. I know I should be beating them from my head but don’t know HOW to accomplish that. I feel that telling myself it will be all right or focusing on the things that have worked out in my life are acts of denial. In short, though, I’m just tired, tired of having to trying so hard to stave off the fear.

Yesterday, going out to where I used to have my horse, memories of a different me arose. I remember how I used to feel then, with no worries beyond getting in to work. Shit. It sucks. Ah! There is that kind of thinking again. The kind I have to and WILL annihilate.

We become what we focus our thoughts on. If that is the case, then I can expect more of what I’ve been focusing on, the shit!

Instead, I will focus on either emptying my head of thought or on the progress I have made, no matter how small. What does an oak tree look like at the time of germination?

 

 

 

3rdJuly

sugar blues

Been off sugar a week now and was hit so hard with something like the flu that I can’t say it was hard not eating sugar. I’m still sick and wondering if it isn’t sugar withdrawal symptoms. 

I am better though and now that I feel better, the first thing I do is start looking for sugar. God, what an addict I am. And, what’s worse, is that this time I’m actually looking at labels and everything has sugar in it. I can see that the only way I’ll be able to be truly free of the crap is if I do all my cooking by myself from scratch. Damn. What a bummer.

On the other hand, seeing this just makes it all the more obvious I have to get off the stuff. It can’t be doing me any good. I feel awful, constant headache, stuffy nose, disorientation and general feeling of weakness and slow response and this is now, when I feel MUCH better. This is the first time I have had such a reaction after stopping sugar. Don’t know if that means anything or if it’s all just a coincidence. I also stopped alcohol and cigarettes at the same time. 

Let’s hope things get better.

 

Well, it’s June 2010 and I am only writing in here for the first time in over a year.

Am going to try to take off 10 kg in 20 weeks. I am now at 70 kg even.

Gotta figure a plan. That’s the hard part. But I guess I should just stick to something until I get results and then try not to rebound.

The title refers to how long I figure it will take to lose 10 kg at a pace of about 500 grams a week. I figure it’s better to look at what I do EVERY day instead of just looking at my weight.

Everything sucks and yet doesn’t. Again, I can control this. I can do this. And the, if and when I do this, maybe other things will appear that I want to do. Right now, I have no idea what I want, what I want to do and that is depressing me considerably.

I used to just want to ride my horse or go get drunk but those things are changing and I want to change the drinking. So, what are my alternatives to going out and getting drunk? With no money, I can’t be eating dinners all the time. We’ll see. Just 20 weeks….just 20 weeks….just 20 weeks…

 

25thApril

runaway train…

Well, I haven’t written here since February and the past months have been ones of pigging, losing muscle and gaining fat.

I am in perhaps the worst state in years. 

Today is the 7th day I’ve quit smoking and I am eating, eating, eating.

This is it. It’s nearly 100 days till my birthday and I want to see positive change!! Wish me luck all. From tomorrow I start making those changes, small perhaps but getting back to good habits!

8thFebruary

all about me….

I got a hold of myself over the weekend, thanks largely to being away from the office. I had gotten Dr. Phil’s book on weight loss and though I have NEVER been a fan of his, this book is speaking to me. I’m not far along but I think I already heard something that is hitting home. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it, but like with so much, you can’t really hear it till you’re ready. It was about taking the whole weight loss journey and focusing on what feels good. I know it’s not sweets and junk food, though I can and do pretend they taste scrumptious. I know that what really feels good is eating like a lean person, well, not just any lean person, but the lean me, putting all those things I say I adore about me and actually walking the talk, MY talk. And that’s what makes it different, that it’s about ME.

6thFebruary

taking it beyond..

Long sigh. I really blew it yesterday. I just couldn’t stop eating. All sorts of junk and then more junk. I was so irritated, so ticked off about things at work and tired, very tired, and yet I had to keep working. Ok, I know these are excuses, but they are my worst triggers. And now, what do I have for it? More irritation, more stress and now it’s aimed directly at me. 

So, enough at last! I am NOT going to beat myself up. I just have to find a more intelligent way of dealing with all the crap that happens in life and especially at work. 

But, I’m also not going to pretend that losing weight is such a wonderful, fantastic, godawful thing that sticking to my plan is going to make things rosy. No, not at all. It’ll just be a little thing, that some days will make me feel a bit better. But a bit better doesn’t mean good. Deal with it.

I’ve got to take things way beyond myself and my petty desires.

Back on things today. Trudge, trudge.