You have all the weapons you need …..NOW FIGHT!!

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7/18/2012….ughhhhh July 18, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 2:32 pm

I know….I know….its been three days since my last post.  I was feeling rather crappy after all the stuff that went on last week. Then my will power caved on Saturday and I hate ate to Corn Dogs from Sonic.  420 wasted calories….but they sure tasted good.   In reality that isn’t so bad considering that just two weeks ago I had a meal at sonic that was 2160 calories.  I am back on the straight and narrow though and can’t wait to start really seeing this weight drop.  Sadly I also found out that my scale wasn’t reading correctly and I am 10 lbs heavier than I thought.  Talk about the air out of an already deflated balloon.

 

So, my current weight is 339 lbs…not 329…which means to hit my christmas goal I need to average about 3.43 lbs per work.  I think this is do-able if I buckle down and stick to my calories and fat grams.  I also need to pick up my water intake again and start walking more.  I am motivated and over last weeks hump so lets get started!!!!

 

 

Toodles :o)

 

Is this really my life???? Seriously?!?!?!?! July 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 5:32 pm

My mother is an alcoholic.

 

She wasn’t when I was growing up.  She waited until someone was old enough to take care of her before she dropped that little bomb on us.    My parents split up almost 20 years ago, but for some reason my mother just can’t seem to get passed that or any other sh*tty thing that has happened in her life.  And the first time she is ever out living on her own without a man or children to take care of …what does she do???  She picks up a bottle-of-vodka-a-day habit.  Now when I say a bottle…I don’t mean a little bottle.  I mean a fifth.  She is not a big girl either so all of this drinking has basically destroyed her body. 

 

Six months into her little tantrum I moved to colorado to help her get sober, that was mistake #1.  After a couple of stints in the ER with dt’s and one scarey trip due to some grand-mal seizures she suprised me with, she finally said she had stopped.  I believed her, that was mistake #2.  She had just switched to rum.  At this point she checked into rehab, but it was only a 7 day program.  At this point I figured out what my third and biggest mistake was…..thinking that I could ever fix her.

 

During my two years in Colorado I saw her do things that scared me to death.  Things that had she been caught she would have been arrested or worse.  I keep waiting for the day when I get the call that she has killed herself…or worse…someone else.  The fights that we got into were vicious, they were full of hate, they were heartbreaking.  So many time I found myself holding back, doing everything I could not to pack my stuff and leave.  It just wasn’t thaty easy considering I had moved my entire household and 4 dogs up there.  Finally though I’d had enough.  I found a job here in Memphis and my dad helped me escape.  I left her on good terms thinking that once I was gone I would never speak to her again.  She cried and cried.  I just wanted to scream at her about all the horrible lies I had heard her telling people on the phone.  About how awful I was to her and how she didn’t have a drinking problem, that I was making all that up.  

 

 I think the worst day of my life came shortly before I moved.  Keiko, my 13 yr old Akita, had been getting pretty sick.  The tumor in her mouth grew more and more everyday.  I had scheduled the appointment to end her suffering.  A few days before “the day”  my mom’s phone started beeping and I grabbed it thinking it needed to be plugged in, but there was a strange text from my ex-stepdad about keiko.  i didn’t understand so I opened it up.  To my horror it was in response to a text that my mom had sent him saying “I will be so glad when she puts this dog down.  I am sick and tired of all the hair”.  Now….this would not have ultimately hurt me as bad as it did if my mother hadn’t gone to the vet with me and used my beloved Keiks as an excuse to get out of work and drink.  She was always saying how she thought of Keiko as her dog too.  I was devastated that she did all this.  Also…..that text from the ex…….they referred to me as the b*tch that wouldn’t leave.  That was my breaking point.

 

So now I am in Memphis….she is in colorado.  I would get these crazy drunken calls from time to time.  Sometimes she was normal.  She is always complaining about Colorado & her health.  Well, maybe if you hadn’t drank yourself to near death you would be so sick.  So, thursday while I am in class my phone starts blowing up with calls from my mom, then my sister, then my dad (who lives with his wife in GA).  Come to find out the woman has gone crazy.  Says she is abandoing her house, all of her stuff, and moving in with a friend in southern VA…WTF!?!?!?!  I finally call her back at the end of class and she is drunk…of course.  I tell her that it is her decision and she can do what she wants.  I ask her not to leave our family photos behind.  She says “why….they are just garbage, there is no family.”  At this point I lost it…..I mean really lost and then hung up.

 

I know this is not diet related, but I really needed to vent a little.  In trying to fight my own demons, this one keeps rearing it’s ugly head.  I love her so much, but there is just nothing I can do anymore.  thanks for listening.

 

Much Love!!

 

7/12 & 7/13…..This is going to take two posts to get through!! July 14, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 2:20 pm

thursday….sh*t hit the fan

 

friday…..couldn’t get through the sh*t from thursday

 

I will talk about my drama in another post, but as for the rest of it.  Thursday I had another day in class with lunch being served in the class.  I ended up having a salad, green beens, corn, and a very small meice of strawberry shortcake.  It wasn’t that bad, but then again I have no idea what it was cooked with.  Being off my diet obviously showed on the scale this morning as my weight loss was only 3 lbs.  Now I know some of you are screaming at me right now for dissing 3 lbs, but you have to remember that I lost basically 11 lbs last week and when you weigh as much as I do 6 lbs(which was my goal) should be a cinch.  It Wasn’t!!!!

 

Friday I tried to get back onto my diet and had a great salad for lunch from the Holiday Ham.  Dinner I had turkey hotdogs….tasted kinda bland, but served the purpose of my craving.  Still have not has fast food in two weeks and am very excited about that.  Have only gone to Starbucks once and didn’t add any sugar at all to my tea.  I just have to keep going!!!

 

 

:) Toodles

 

7/11/12….Made it through my 1st luncheon….barely!! July 12, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 4:54 am

Well, I made it through my first luncheon yesterady by the skin of my teeth.  They decided to serve chips, sandwiches, and pasta& potato salads.  I was starving because I didn’t have any protein for breakfast or for my snack.  Over loaded with carbs before 10am…..yuck.  So, for lunch I went with a dolup of potato salad & 1/2 of a ham sandwich & 1/2 of chicken salad sandwich.  I know the mayonaise wasn’t good for me, but in moderation I didn’t think it would totally set me back.  The small slice of chocolate cake may set me back though….but I promise to be good today.

 

:)

 

Toodles

 

7/9/12 & 7/10/12….Bad Melissa!!! Didn’t Blog!!! Very Bad!!!! July 10, 2012

Filed under: Daily Check In — reborn2shine @ 10:54 am

Yeah Yeah…..I missed an entire day of posting, but in my defense it was Monday.  And Monday’s in an insurance office are like Friday nights in a bar…..Your busier then hell and someone is gonna get screwed before your shift is over.  TAH DAH!!!!!

 

So, now that I am back on track lets talk about the last two days.  I have been eating right and working on my water intake, but my mood has been crappy and I was laying in bed last night when it hit me.  Yesterday was the 1 month anniversary of losing little Foster.  I know that it may seem weird to some people to get so emmotional over a dog, but they are like my children and I put all that I am into them.  And when it is their time to go I feel like I have lost everything.  I will work through this and I will recover…..it just takes time.  Sava & Parker will help me through it…my time at the park with them has become something I look forward to all week.  Once the vet bill gets paid off I will have a little extra gas money and am going to try and take them a few times during the week also.  They will love it. 

 

Now let’s talk about the next two days.  I am very worried.  I have to go to a class that is going to run two days and they are having lunch brought in to us.  There isn’t a place to store your own food and I am scared to death that I am going to make the wrong choices.  I think I am going to take one of my bigger purses with me and pre-make a bunch of stuff that doesn’t have to be refridgerated and just pass on the lunch they serve.  Last time I went to one of these classes it was all southern foods, fried & fattening.  Plus they always put out this table of desserts that can add 20lbs if you get close enough to smell them.  NO THANKS!!!  I may get laughed at too with my big gallon of water, but that is the only way I know I am staying on track. 

 

The laptop will be coming with me to this class and I will make sure to do nightly updates so that I don’t stray off course again.   And now I would like to leave you with something I heard my imaginary friend Max say the other day:

 

” I have a switch that turns off my emotions.

That’s right I have two switches in my life

One turns off my emptions and the other

has the power to make a car bounce”

:o)~  (I love 2 Broke Girls)

 

 

Toodles :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7/8/12….house cleaning day. July 8, 2012

Filed under: Daily Check In — reborn2shine @ 5:39 pm

Not going to write to much today…kinda tired.  The pups and I hit the park at about 7:30 am for a couple of hours and then came home and started house cleaning.  floor is vaccumed, dishes are done, trash is collected and laundry is about to be started.  Feeling sort of run down and sad today.  Had such a great week, but feel like I could have done more with my weekend.  Just keep telling myself 2-3 lbs per week….thats all I need to do.  That is very doable when you weigh 332 lbs…..I can’t get down on myself….I must stay pumped.  Talk to you guys tomorrow.

 

 

Toodles.

 

CHUB RUB BEWARE!!!! July 7, 2012

Filed under: Important Sh*t — reborn2shine @ 7:04 pm

Okay!!  So this is going to be a TMI post and I apologize in advance. Seriously……read it, don’t read it, it’s entirely up to you, but I feel compelled to share this with the people of the world.  So here goes…….

 

Even before I was overweight I always had big boobs and with the girls comes many trials and tribulations.  The worst of these is a condition which a lot of us affectionately refer to as “Chub Rub”  aka heat rash.  This is when skin touches skin and through heat and moisture it creates a rash that can be both annonying & painful.  This usually occurs under the boobs, in between the thighs, or underneath little “fluff rolls” ( I hate the word fat….can you tell?).  The most common time  for this to happen is during the summer when it is hot & humid.  The place  I always get this is under “my girls”.  If you have read any of my posts in the last few days you will know that the a/c has been out at my office and since we have a loft style metal roof the place is like a cooker by 3 in the afternoon topping out at 95 degrees last friday.  Well, this has created the worst case of the rub that I have ever had.  As far as treatment goes I had never really done any research.  I have been using diaper rash medication as I thought that was the only option.  But as any of you who have babies (which I don’t) know…this is a messy solution that really isn’t a solution.  It is white and can bleed through material, it gets everywhere, and heaven help you if you don’t get it off your hands and then accidently touch your eyes……OUCH!!!!!  Anywho….this time even the baby shit wasn’t working.  I tried a different brand, I tried three different kinds of powder, I tried cornstarch…..I mean I literally tried everything, but even with washing the area every hour and letting it air dry it was only getting worse and starting to really hurt BAD!!!  Then I was doing some research and came accross a product ” Monistat Anti-Chafing Gel Powder”.  I have never heard of this before and am always skeptical of things I read about online.  But several forums were talking about it so I thought….why not.  I drove up to the local CVS before I went home from work and found a tube….$8 dollars!!!  This crap better work!!!  It isn’t that large of a tube and I was starting to get concerned.  But, again, what did I have to lose except $8 bucks and some time.  I immediately went home and crawled into a luke warm shower, making sure to gently wash the areas very well to get all the baby junk off.  Once that was done I used a blow dryer on the cold setting to get the area good and dry…..air drying is probably best, but I didn’t have the patience.  Once the area was good and dry i opened the tube.  At first I freaked out because what came out did NOT look like gel….it looked like water and I thought there is no way that this is right.  Then I realized that it was just like a squeeze thing of mustard that always has that water look at first if you don’t shake it up well.  So, I closed the tube and shook it……BINGO!!  I squeezed out a dime size because the forums all said that a little goes a long ways and began to apply…..ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh instant relief.  There was some residual itchiness, but the difference was night & day.  The feeling is totally weird too.  It feels like gel going on but when it drys it feels like silk powder.   So, this was last night….I get up this morning and go to check my inflamed, raw skin and what do I find……..HEAVEN!!!!   The wounds have shrunk by half and the redness has also gone down by half…..in ONE NIGHT!!!….I couldn’t believe it…I still can’t.  This is my new favorite product and the tube should probably last a full month during the summer with everyday use.  I can’t believe that I finally found a answer to one of the MOST embarrassing parts of being a “big girl” or a “big guy” (cause ya’ll can use it too).  I will never be the same again.  I think the best part is that I have never wanted to be intimate with a man, especially in the summer, because of this problem.  I mean, how do you explain away the 2 cups of diaper rash cream under your boobs and between your thighs…GROSS!!!  But with this….all I feel is soft, ultra smooth skin….it literally feels like silk…I LOVE THIS PRODUCT!!!  And even after my weight loss I will still want to have big boobs, because I love the way they make me feel, so this product will be with me for life.  BLESS YOU MONISTAT!!

 

ps…..

 

As if those benefits weren’t enough.  It can also be used as a makeup primer.  I sh*t you not!!

 

Toodles :o)

 

 BTW….Did i mention I LOVE THIS PRODUCT!!!

 

7/7/12….Broccoli has become my enemy

Filed under: Daily Check In — reborn2shine @ 5:44 pm

Today is a low carb day so, I am filling my meals with tons of fresh veggies that I love.  I have always loved broccoli, one of my favorites.  But I had some raw fresh, cleaned broccoli today and developed the worst case of gas you could ever imagine.  OMG Tums to the rescue.  I never wanted to be one of those women in the “beano” commercials, but it looks like I am not going to have a choice.  I was in the bed for two hours with a bloated gassy stomach…..bleh!!!  Lesson Learned!

 

Went to the park with the puppies this morning and the local organic healthy pet store was having a flea & tick awareness day, so we scored some really cool crap, including a month of Advantix for each…that was kinda cool.  Sweated my butt off and then came home and have been working on work stuff ever since.  I have a chicken breast marinating which I am going to pan sear and serve over salad for dinner tonight……I CAN’T WAIT TILL TOMORROW & I CAN HAVE A POTATO!!!!!  :0)

 

 

Toodles

 

 

 

7/6/12…WEIGH IN DAY!!! July 6, 2012

Filed under: Daily Check In — reborn2shine @ 11:37 am

I woke up feeling very nervous about my weigh in.  I went to use the bathroom, hoping to lose another oz or 2 (giggle).  Then I climbed on to the scale and what did she say you ask?!?!?!?!

 

332 lbs !!!!

 

ROCK ON ME!!!   That is 7lbs in the first week.  Now I know some is going to be water weight, but who the hell cares!?!?!?  7lbs!!!!  Now I just have to keep it going.  Today was cheat day and indulged in some chinese, but we ordered from a different place and when it got here you could actually see the oil floating on top of the dish.  I was grossed out. ( Note to self:  Never order chinese take out from a place where the delivery driver looks like the lead singer from ZZ Top…..I am serious)……….. I ate a little because I was starving, but then a final bite of a seafood dish put me over the edge and I lost my stomach in the office sink.  I guess (despite being totally gross) that this is a good thing.  It means that my body is changing and not accepting those horrible fats anymore.  I am going to have to be super careful in the future because the one thing I truly hate is being sick at my stomach…BLEH!!!

 

YAHHHHH!!!!!  It’s the weekend.  So ready for some good park time with the dogs.  I know they are ready too. 

Toodles :)

 

7/5/2012……Weigh in Tomorrow!! July 5, 2012

Filed under: Daily Check In — reborn2shine @ 2:29 pm

Tomorrow is weigh-in day and I am extremely nervous.  I know I did far better this week than I have any other week in my life.  I ate healthy.  No fried foods.  I watch my carb intake with only good non-refined carbs going in.  But I am still very nervous.  I haven’t been getting my water in as well as I should have the past few days, but I am still drinking for more than I used to & definately have cut my soda intake by 75%…..

 

Once again the air is out at work it is now 89 and counting.  These are sweat shop conditions that completely throw me off.  My water has picked up today but of course I am now off my food again.  How hard is it to get a air conditioner that works properly?!?!?!?!  All the sweating is making the skin under my boobs raw.  I use all kinds of powder, baby rash ointment, xinc-oxide…..but there seems to be no cure when you have to sit in your own sweat with a bra rubbing you raw day after day…..MEN SUCK!!!  Yes…I said it.  But they do.  They don’t have to deal with this sh*t.  And they really don’t care that we do…..the boss believes that we should just work through it…..okay….”TELL THAT TO MY GIRLS!!!!”   Arghhhhhh….

 

I am so pissy and aggrevated today….I can definately tell that my body is changing…..what i wouldn’t give for a swirl ice cream waffle cone from Checkers…  ;’(

 

Laters

 

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