About June 28, 2012
I was born to a mother who didn’t love me and couldn’t tolerate me and a father who probably doesn’t even know I exist. When I was 4 my mother abandoned me with no second thought about what would happen to me.
I was adopted by a young military couple who already had two children. From that point on my life is kind of a blur. We moved every couple of years and I grew up all over the world. As a small child I was very active and love to play outside. As I got older, however, my body started to change and I developed before most of the other girls. I was looked down on by those girls who were still very tiny and boob-less. I slowly started to withdraw and “eat” my feelings.
I never felt at home with my family. I always felt different and outcast because I was absolutely nothing like them. My father was never supportive of my physical appearance as a child. I remember him once threatening to “strap my ass to a treadmill” and then I might get down to an acceptable weight. My mother fought her own weight battles but unlike my steady rise she was a yo-yo that went up and down constantly.
I found a lot of things to occupy my time and a few people that didn’t seem to care that I was packing on the pounds. Then I found MOVIES!! I fell in love with the movies. Like books they can take you almost anywhere and you can see amazingly beautiful women get the tall dark and handsome men of their dreams over and over courtesy of the rewind button. I started pinning posters from teeny bopper magazines to my walls and living in a fantasy land while my body suffered in the world of reality.
By the time I went away to college things only got worse. I started drinking and my freshman 10 turned into a freshman 60. And for the last 16 years I have steadily packed on the pounds and destroyed all of my relationships because I am not happy in my own skin.
The few times I can remember being happy were points in my life when I was the most active. When I ran away to california to be cool and live by the beach…getting tattoos and drinking wine like I was a movie star. Or when I was back packing through Ireland with no reguard for what anyone thought of me. Through all these years why I haven’t put 2 and 2 together until now I will never know. But if active makes me happy then dammit i am going to be active.
I Will Love Myself! I Will Respect Myself! I Will Save Myself!!!!
My favorite movie line is where I came up with the name of my blog:
who teaches us what’s real and how to laugh at lies
who decides why we live and what we’ll die to defend
who chains us and who holds the key that can set us free
you have all the weapons you need……