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Is this really my life???? Seriously?!?!?!?! July 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 5:32 pm

My mother is an alcoholic.

 

She wasn’t when I was growing up.  She waited until someone was old enough to take care of her before she dropped that little bomb on us.    My parents split up almost 20 years ago, but for some reason my mother just can’t seem to get passed that or any other sh*tty thing that has happened in her life.  And the first time she is ever out living on her own without a man or children to take care of …what does she do???  She picks up a bottle-of-vodka-a-day habit.  Now when I say a bottle…I don’t mean a little bottle.  I mean a fifth.  She is not a big girl either so all of this drinking has basically destroyed her body. 

 

Six months into her little tantrum I moved to colorado to help her get sober, that was mistake #1.  After a couple of stints in the ER with dt’s and one scarey trip due to some grand-mal seizures she suprised me with, she finally said she had stopped.  I believed her, that was mistake #2.  She had just switched to rum.  At this point she checked into rehab, but it was only a 7 day program.  At this point I figured out what my third and biggest mistake was…..thinking that I could ever fix her.

 

During my two years in Colorado I saw her do things that scared me to death.  Things that had she been caught she would have been arrested or worse.  I keep waiting for the day when I get the call that she has killed herself…or worse…someone else.  The fights that we got into were vicious, they were full of hate, they were heartbreaking.  So many time I found myself holding back, doing everything I could not to pack my stuff and leave.  It just wasn’t thaty easy considering I had moved my entire household and 4 dogs up there.  Finally though I’d had enough.  I found a job here in Memphis and my dad helped me escape.  I left her on good terms thinking that once I was gone I would never speak to her again.  She cried and cried.  I just wanted to scream at her about all the horrible lies I had heard her telling people on the phone.  About how awful I was to her and how she didn’t have a drinking problem, that I was making all that up.  

 

 I think the worst day of my life came shortly before I moved.  Keiko, my 13 yr old Akita, had been getting pretty sick.  The tumor in her mouth grew more and more everyday.  I had scheduled the appointment to end her suffering.  A few days before “the day”  my mom’s phone started beeping and I grabbed it thinking it needed to be plugged in, but there was a strange text from my ex-stepdad about keiko.  i didn’t understand so I opened it up.  To my horror it was in response to a text that my mom had sent him saying “I will be so glad when she puts this dog down.  I am sick and tired of all the hair”.  Now….this would not have ultimately hurt me as bad as it did if my mother hadn’t gone to the vet with me and used my beloved Keiks as an excuse to get out of work and drink.  She was always saying how she thought of Keiko as her dog too.  I was devastated that she did all this.  Also…..that text from the ex…….they referred to me as the b*tch that wouldn’t leave.  That was my breaking point.

 

So now I am in Memphis….she is in colorado.  I would get these crazy drunken calls from time to time.  Sometimes she was normal.  She is always complaining about Colorado & her health.  Well, maybe if you hadn’t drank yourself to near death you would be so sick.  So, thursday while I am in class my phone starts blowing up with calls from my mom, then my sister, then my dad (who lives with his wife in GA).  Come to find out the woman has gone crazy.  Says she is abandoing her house, all of her stuff, and moving in with a friend in southern VA…WTF!?!?!?!  I finally call her back at the end of class and she is drunk…of course.  I tell her that it is her decision and she can do what she wants.  I ask her not to leave our family photos behind.  She says “why….they are just garbage, there is no family.”  At this point I lost it…..I mean really lost and then hung up.

 

I know this is not diet related, but I really needed to vent a little.  In trying to fight my own demons, this one keeps rearing it’s ugly head.  I love her so much, but there is just nothing I can do anymore.  thanks for listening.

 

Much Love!!

 

2 Responses to “Is this really my life???? Seriously?!?!?!?!”

  1. 5yearscancerfree Says:

    I am so sorry you have such a crappy thing to deal with. It isn’t your fault. Nothing you did caused this and you have done your best to try to help your Mom. Until your Mom gets the help she needs, she will be toxic - both to you and to herself. I suggest counseling for you so YOU can deal with the anger and upset your Mom is causing you. Many places have AA counseling that helps the family and friends. Venting is good for you and will help you from going crazy with your stress eating. Sometimes writing a letter about all the good times helps also. I hope this helps. Please believe that while you did nothing to cause this, this will affect you in many ways and cousneling will help. I have been reading your posts and you seem to be a wonderful person. Keep that thought in your mind - that you are wonderful and you are doing good things for yourself! Stay strong! Good luck!

  2. lostbutstilltrying Says:

    thank you for sharing all of that, i am so proud that you were able to get it out into writing.

    I also think you did the right thing in choosing to fix your life and letting your mom take responsibility for herself, no matter how much we want to or don’t want to - we can’t change or fix other people

    I agree with 5 years, al-anon might be a good place to get support as well

    lean on the folks here for support as well, and remember that one meal, good or bad wont change your life - its having a goal and working towards it that will

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