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My Christian Grey Obsession…… July 31, 2012

Filed under: Important Sh*t — reborn2shine @ 12:10 pm

I know this is supposed to be a blog about weight loss.  That being said I think that these books push me towards losing weight and getting into great shape…….so…..I will blog on

 :)

 

Everyone was talking about these books.  I had never heard of them, but with all the hype I thought “why not”.  I get on amazon and order all three books because I got a deal.  I decided to wait until the weekend to start reading them, but with all the craziness going on last week I needed a little me time with a good book, so I started on Thrusday night.  By Sunday morning I had finished the first two books and last night I finished book three.  I was beside myself with how amazing these books were, and I am not talking about all the sex…..although that was an added bonus. 

 

So many things in Christian’s early life mirror my early life.  The abuse, the adoption, the fear of touch, the feeling of being unloved & unwanted, the feeling of needing control and not having it.  In an extreme moment of clarity I realized that this character and I are one in the same.  We have different coping mechanisms…..his is sexual dominance & mine is food dominance.  I grew up to control the only thing I felt I could and that was food.  And just like Christian’s sexual dominance became a hinderance for him, my food dominance has become one for me.  I can’t tell you how many times I cried reading these novels as I kept seeing more and more of myself.

 

Falling in love and being love in return changed Christian’s life.  It changed the way he thought about himself, I think that this blog and my ever dropping waist line will help me change my life.  I want so badly to be the object of someones desire, to be the center of someone’s universe and their reason for waking up smiling every morning.  I know that people should love you for who you are regardless of whether you are skinny or fat, but how can I expect someone to be passionately in love with me when I don’t even like myself.  The day I look in the mirror and realize that I am everything I want to be is the day that I can open myself up to love with the man of my dreams.  And that may be after 10lbs, 30lbs, or 100lbs….but it will happen.  I am sure of it.

 

E.L. James…..I will never be able to thank you enough for helping me to see myself and face my own demons. It took 30 years for me to admit the abuse and fear I faced to myself and another 5 years to let it go and that is because of these books.  You are my inspiration and my weight lose muse.  And I hope that once I hit my goal ”Self” that there will be someone there for me to play with as Ana & Christian had each other. 

 

Course I would be a lot easier to pick up if I weighed about 160lbs less ;)

 

Love Ya’ll

 

One quick after thought….as I was reading the book I noticed a trend in the music.  I have 80 percent of the songs mention on my ipod as well…..I WAS SHOCKED!!!  Listing to the ipod while i was reading those scenes definitely brought them more to life for me.  Glad to know that I am not the only one with extremely  eclectic taste.  This morning I was listening to Sex on Fire while on the tread mill and at work today i was listening to Chopin Prelude in E minor while catching up on quotes.  E.L……are you sure we are not related??!!??!!

 

 

 

SPAM & My Blog

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 11:11 am

Seriously?!?!?!  I have had it up to my armpits with all of you spammers!!!  Stay off my blog.  I am going to keep marking you as spam and you are only wasting your time and mine by continuing to try and post comments on my blog.  Do yourself a favor and KNOCK IT OFF!!

 

Toodles :)

 

07/25/2012….carbs were my enemy yesterday July 25, 2012

Filed under: Daily Check In — reborn2shine @ 1:17 pm

Yesterday was like a frickin carb fest of death.  I don’t think I could get anymore in me if I had tried.  Subway is far better than the other fast food choices our there, but even the 9 grain whole what still has a butt ton of carbs in it.  So, I got a foot long and had half for lunch and half for dinner and that was a grand total of 104 carbs…..HOLY SH*T!!!!  Calories of course were super low, but the carbs can be kinda scarey.  I was still under my recommended calorie intake for the day which is good….I had a deficite of 1752 which would be about half a pound.  My goal is a 1500-1700 deficit per day to give me a loss of 3-4 lbs per week here in the beginning.  The junk food I put in my body this weekend didn’t help with that, but now that I am back on track and using my FitDay journal I am able to log better.  The only negative thing about the journal is that I have to manually enter most of the food that I eat because the aren’t in the system.  That will get easier though as I tend to bounce around a lot of the same foods , so eventually they will all be in the system. 

 

IT IS HOT TODAY!!!

 but i am still gonna try and work out :)

 

7/23/2012 & prior… July 23, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 1:31 pm

Fell off the wagon this weekend and feel like crap today.  Lost 3.4 lbs last week which is great, but I can definately tell a difference when I eat crappy food now.  Haven’t talked to my mom in a week and that is a little worrisome, but for right now I think it is best that I don’t talk to her at all. 

 

One awesome note is that with all the water I am drinking, my nails look awesome.  They are so much healthier than they ever have been and I can only contribute that to my diet.  I have to go shopping tonight for a birthday present….ughhhhhh.  Hate going out right after work.  Oh well.

 

Toodles :)

 

7/19/2012 July 19, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 10:16 am

I am feeling a little frisky today.  Motivated and happy.  Things have been going good with my getting healthy.  Can’t say the same for everything else, but in reality all I am really worried about right now is getting into shape and getting this weight off.  Business is kinda slow right now and I have not had that many leads work out, but that will pick up so, I hope!  I haven’t talked to my mom since she drunk called me at work on Monday…..and that is probably a good thing because I doubt I could be pleasant with her.  Sava & Parker have been stuck in the house for the last two weeks while Parker is recovering from her upper respritory infection……BUT!!!  she is done with her antibiotics soon and we will be hitting the dog park this weekend so they can hang out with their buddies and we can get some good exercise in. 

 

Let’s see, what else is going on,  I resigned my lease on my house for another year.  I wish my place were bigger, but for the price & the back yard I can’t really beat it.  I am really hoping to get another dog at the beginning of the year, once Parker has matured some more, and it is the perfect place to puppy proof & house break.  It has been kinda sad without little Foster the past several weeks and Sava plays with Parker, but he is 6 yrs old and can’t keep up with her all the time.  Today I meet the most beautiful Akita that was walking by my office.  She was typical Akita and wanted to meet me on her own terms, but it was amazing and just made me miss Keiko alot too.  We’ll see.

 

Anywho,  hope everyone is having a great week!!!  Talk to you Later.

 

Toodles :)

 

7/18/2012….ughhhhh July 18, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 2:32 pm

I know….I know….its been three days since my last post.  I was feeling rather crappy after all the stuff that went on last week. Then my will power caved on Saturday and I hate ate to Corn Dogs from Sonic.  420 wasted calories….but they sure tasted good.   In reality that isn’t so bad considering that just two weeks ago I had a meal at sonic that was 2160 calories.  I am back on the straight and narrow though and can’t wait to start really seeing this weight drop.  Sadly I also found out that my scale wasn’t reading correctly and I am 10 lbs heavier than I thought.  Talk about the air out of an already deflated balloon.

 

So, my current weight is 339 lbs…not 329…which means to hit my christmas goal I need to average about 3.43 lbs per work.  I think this is do-able if I buckle down and stick to my calories and fat grams.  I also need to pick up my water intake again and start walking more.  I am motivated and over last weeks hump so lets get started!!!!

 

 

Toodles :o)

 

Is this really my life???? Seriously?!?!?!?! July 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 5:32 pm

My mother is an alcoholic.

 

She wasn’t when I was growing up.  She waited until someone was old enough to take care of her before she dropped that little bomb on us.    My parents split up almost 20 years ago, but for some reason my mother just can’t seem to get passed that or any other sh*tty thing that has happened in her life.  And the first time she is ever out living on her own without a man or children to take care of …what does she do???  She picks up a bottle-of-vodka-a-day habit.  Now when I say a bottle…I don’t mean a little bottle.  I mean a fifth.  She is not a big girl either so all of this drinking has basically destroyed her body. 

 

Six months into her little tantrum I moved to colorado to help her get sober, that was mistake #1.  After a couple of stints in the ER with dt’s and one scarey trip due to some grand-mal seizures she suprised me with, she finally said she had stopped.  I believed her, that was mistake #2.  She had just switched to rum.  At this point she checked into rehab, but it was only a 7 day program.  At this point I figured out what my third and biggest mistake was…..thinking that I could ever fix her.

 

During my two years in Colorado I saw her do things that scared me to death.  Things that had she been caught she would have been arrested or worse.  I keep waiting for the day when I get the call that she has killed herself…or worse…someone else.  The fights that we got into were vicious, they were full of hate, they were heartbreaking.  So many time I found myself holding back, doing everything I could not to pack my stuff and leave.  It just wasn’t thaty easy considering I had moved my entire household and 4 dogs up there.  Finally though I’d had enough.  I found a job here in Memphis and my dad helped me escape.  I left her on good terms thinking that once I was gone I would never speak to her again.  She cried and cried.  I just wanted to scream at her about all the horrible lies I had heard her telling people on the phone.  About how awful I was to her and how she didn’t have a drinking problem, that I was making all that up.  

 

 I think the worst day of my life came shortly before I moved.  Keiko, my 13 yr old Akita, had been getting pretty sick.  The tumor in her mouth grew more and more everyday.  I had scheduled the appointment to end her suffering.  A few days before “the day”  my mom’s phone started beeping and I grabbed it thinking it needed to be plugged in, but there was a strange text from my ex-stepdad about keiko.  i didn’t understand so I opened it up.  To my horror it was in response to a text that my mom had sent him saying “I will be so glad when she puts this dog down.  I am sick and tired of all the hair”.  Now….this would not have ultimately hurt me as bad as it did if my mother hadn’t gone to the vet with me and used my beloved Keiks as an excuse to get out of work and drink.  She was always saying how she thought of Keiko as her dog too.  I was devastated that she did all this.  Also…..that text from the ex…….they referred to me as the b*tch that wouldn’t leave.  That was my breaking point.

 

So now I am in Memphis….she is in colorado.  I would get these crazy drunken calls from time to time.  Sometimes she was normal.  She is always complaining about Colorado & her health.  Well, maybe if you hadn’t drank yourself to near death you would be so sick.  So, thursday while I am in class my phone starts blowing up with calls from my mom, then my sister, then my dad (who lives with his wife in GA).  Come to find out the woman has gone crazy.  Says she is abandoing her house, all of her stuff, and moving in with a friend in southern VA…WTF!?!?!?!  I finally call her back at the end of class and she is drunk…of course.  I tell her that it is her decision and she can do what she wants.  I ask her not to leave our family photos behind.  She says “why….they are just garbage, there is no family.”  At this point I lost it…..I mean really lost and then hung up.

 

I know this is not diet related, but I really needed to vent a little.  In trying to fight my own demons, this one keeps rearing it’s ugly head.  I love her so much, but there is just nothing I can do anymore.  thanks for listening.

 

Much Love!!

 

7/12 & 7/13…..This is going to take two posts to get through!! July 14, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 2:20 pm

thursday….sh*t hit the fan

 

friday…..couldn’t get through the sh*t from thursday

 

I will talk about my drama in another post, but as for the rest of it.  Thursday I had another day in class with lunch being served in the class.  I ended up having a salad, green beens, corn, and a very small meice of strawberry shortcake.  It wasn’t that bad, but then again I have no idea what it was cooked with.  Being off my diet obviously showed on the scale this morning as my weight loss was only 3 lbs.  Now I know some of you are screaming at me right now for dissing 3 lbs, but you have to remember that I lost basically 11 lbs last week and when you weigh as much as I do 6 lbs(which was my goal) should be a cinch.  It Wasn’t!!!!

 

Friday I tried to get back onto my diet and had a great salad for lunch from the Holiday Ham.  Dinner I had turkey hotdogs….tasted kinda bland, but served the purpose of my craving.  Still have not has fast food in two weeks and am very excited about that.  Have only gone to Starbucks once and didn’t add any sugar at all to my tea.  I just have to keep going!!!

 

 

:) Toodles

 

7/11/12….Made it through my 1st luncheon….barely!! July 12, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 4:54 am

Well, I made it through my first luncheon yesterady by the skin of my teeth.  They decided to serve chips, sandwiches, and pasta& potato salads.  I was starving because I didn’t have any protein for breakfast or for my snack.  Over loaded with carbs before 10am…..yuck.  So, for lunch I went with a dolup of potato salad & 1/2 of a ham sandwich & 1/2 of chicken salad sandwich.  I know the mayonaise wasn’t good for me, but in moderation I didn’t think it would totally set me back.  The small slice of chocolate cake may set me back though….but I promise to be good today.

 

:)

 

Toodles

 

7/9/12 & 7/10/12….Bad Melissa!!! Didn’t Blog!!! Very Bad!!!! July 10, 2012

Filed under: Daily Check In — reborn2shine @ 10:54 am

Yeah Yeah…..I missed an entire day of posting, but in my defense it was Monday.  And Monday’s in an insurance office are like Friday nights in a bar…..Your busier then hell and someone is gonna get screwed before your shift is over.  TAH DAH!!!!!

 

So, now that I am back on track lets talk about the last two days.  I have been eating right and working on my water intake, but my mood has been crappy and I was laying in bed last night when it hit me.  Yesterday was the 1 month anniversary of losing little Foster.  I know that it may seem weird to some people to get so emmotional over a dog, but they are like my children and I put all that I am into them.  And when it is their time to go I feel like I have lost everything.  I will work through this and I will recover…..it just takes time.  Sava & Parker will help me through it…my time at the park with them has become something I look forward to all week.  Once the vet bill gets paid off I will have a little extra gas money and am going to try and take them a few times during the week also.  They will love it. 

 

Now let’s talk about the next two days.  I am very worried.  I have to go to a class that is going to run two days and they are having lunch brought in to us.  There isn’t a place to store your own food and I am scared to death that I am going to make the wrong choices.  I think I am going to take one of my bigger purses with me and pre-make a bunch of stuff that doesn’t have to be refridgerated and just pass on the lunch they serve.  Last time I went to one of these classes it was all southern foods, fried & fattening.  Plus they always put out this table of desserts that can add 20lbs if you get close enough to smell them.  NO THANKS!!!  I may get laughed at too with my big gallon of water, but that is the only way I know I am staying on track. 

 

The laptop will be coming with me to this class and I will make sure to do nightly updates so that I don’t stray off course again.   And now I would like to leave you with something I heard my imaginary friend Max say the other day:

 

” I have a switch that turns off my emotions.

That’s right I have two switches in my life

One turns off my emptions and the other

has the power to make a car bounce”

:o)~  (I love 2 Broke Girls)

 

 

Toodles :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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