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01/12/13….And so it begins again…New Year/New Me January 12, 2013

Filed under: Daily Check In, Melissas Moody Moments — reborn2shine @ 11:01 am

I restarted my journey this morning.  I feel like I have spent the last two months in a haze of dog surgeries and issues with irritating co-workers, then the holidays hit and grrrrrrrrr.  I started fresh this morning…..and how fresh was it you ask!?!?!

TOTALLY FRESH!!!  I started this morning with a 6 am workout at 24 Hour Fitness.  That’s right kiddos this fat chick bit the bullet and joined a gym(last month & have been going steadily until the holidays).  In order to fund this little project I got rid of the movie channels on my direct tv. So…..no more skinemax and way more working out.  I figure that if all goes well I will be able to make my own “skinemax” in no time at all {wink wink}

I am heading to the supermarket here shortly to do some serious prep work for the week.  My loving sister got me a new cooler bag to take my lunches in to work and a state of the art crock pot to do some healthy cooking in and I am dying to try it out.  I found a healthy chilli recipe that is to die for and with the weather being so cruddy this is the perfect time for it.

On a serious note……My mental health has been suffering as of late. I looked in the mirror the other day and just started crying.  I am disgusted with myself.  I feel like I have missed my shot at happiness because no man is going to want to take the time to fall in love with my personality because all they can see up from is a disgusting fat girl who obviously doesn’t respect herself enough to get healthy.  I am 36 years old and I can barely stand to look at myself let alone have a man look at me.  Then I started getting scared about the pink elephant in the room that is screaming at me……so, what if you loose all the weight….great….then you will be a saggy elephant too.  I am scared of being more disgusted by myself then than I am now.  And I know that this is no excuse….I know that this is about my health and my life, but I don’t want to be ugly, not after I have worked so hard.   These are just a few of my issues right now.  Working through them is going to be a long and scarey path, but I am ready.

This morning I walked up hill for 1.25 miles and then biked for 4 miles.  I know it isn’t that much, but it is a good start.

Oh….and I got a laptop so, now I don’t have to wait to be at work if I want to get something off my chest.  Thanks for always being there you guys….I know that we are all going through this journey together and we can do it!!

Much Love,

Me

ps….Just in case anyone was wondering about my”Mr. Grey”…..Haven’t heard from him in months and months.  Little bit heart broken, but somewhat relieved.

 

I’MMMM BAAAAACCCKKKKK September 6, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 2:36 pm

Drama thy name is Andrea……

 

I feel like life for the last 3 weeks has been a blur of dramatic events that have no place in the everday life of a fat chick trying to get healthy & loose weight.  And because of said events there was a “dramatic” pause in my weight loss journey.

 

On July 21st I get a phone call from my best friend in Colorado saying that she went over to my mom’s house and found a horrible site.  My mom had apparently not moved from the couch in several days(you can imagine the pleasant smell) and was going through alcohol withdrawal for the 6th or 7th time that I can think of.  The worst part though was Chloe. 

 

   

 

 

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Chloe is the beautiful Great Pyrenees that I gave my mom for her birthday 5 years ago.  I picked Chloe from the litter and drove to pick her up and I have spent 3 years of my life with this dog….I call her Sissy.  Well, my friend goes down to the basement where she finds that Chloe has been living in her own filth for over 2 weeks without being let outside and has been surviving by eating cat litter because my mother can’t get off the couch to feed her( that and there was no dog food in the house).  I am heartbroken.  I can’t think of anything worse that could be happening at that point in time. 

 

All kinds of options start getting thrown around….words like shelter, humane society, and pound.  None of these options work for me.  So with the help of my sister and 2 friends we hatch a plan to get Chloe out of there and safely to me here in Memphis.  My sister loans me some money and my boss gives me two days off from work….Aug. 16th & 17th.  My friend Tami is going to get my mother into the hospital on 8/15 and then take Chloe to my friend Brie, who is then going to drive Chloe to Topeka where I will meet them with my dog Sava and bring her home to memphis.  Sava & Chloe had always had a special bond since the are only 10 months apart and were practically raised together.  I figured he would help ease her transition.

 

The plan went off perfectly & on 8/16 I saw Chloe for the first time in a year.  Her coat was matted beyond belief, her nails were so long that they curved like bird talons, and she was extremely thin.  It was worse than I could have ever imagined. Upon feeling her skull through her skin and seeing her protruding hips bones I proceeded to punch the sink in the hotel bathroom until my hand was good and bruised.  Everyone who knows me understands my hatred for people who let this happen to their dogs and it is doubly painful knowing that it is my mother that let this happen.  Her addiction problems aside this is beyond repair at the moment.

 

So, the first thing I do when we get back to Memphis is get Chloe to the vet the very next morning.  Diagnosis:  ear infection, flea Infestation, nails so long it is causing her to walk back on her heels, 30 lbs underweight, malnourished, and the matting of her fur is causing several hotspots and open sores on her body.  This is all fixable.  We get her some heartworm & flea meds and then head off to the groomer who tells me that saving her coat is not an option.  So, four hours later I go back to pick her up and am greeted by a nakid Pyrenees…..it is sad and adorable at the same time. (Check out her pretty purple bows)

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

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Well…after Chloe was shaved nakid I discovered a new problem which required immediate attention.  Now that the hair was all gone I noticed that her right rear knee was double the size of the left knee.  I got a few referrals and after care consideration I picked a vet to take her to.  After several x-rays and a sedated orthopedic exam (by the “so cute I could eat” Dr. Slattery) it was determined that Chloe has, sometime in the past year, had a tramatic injury that has completely dislocated her knee cap.  After careful review it is confirmed that this is NOT genetic Patellar Luxation…..it is an injury.  More than likely Chloe’s long nails got caught in the carpet and she fell down the stairs.  More heartbreak for my baby girl.  Luckily the man of the hour has become Dr. Slattery,  he is going to be able to perform Chloe’s repair surgery and doesn’t have to send me to the super ginormous & super expense specialist up the street.

 

So….this is how it stands.  On September 18th Chloe will be checked in for a Medial Luxated Patella Repair, including surgical removal and replacement of some bone to inable her to walk straight.  He says she will never be 100%, as arthritis has already set in, but he can give her 85-90% full use with no pain.  This is the best I can ask for.  I love her so much and she is really starting to settle in at her new home and loves going to the puppy park on Sat & Sun and visiting the local organic dog food store.

 

 

In all this drama my diet has gone to crap.  But happily I got on the scale the other day and had only put 5 of the 20lbs I had lost back on.  Now it is time to start again…..back on the diet and time to start working out too.  I can do this….Sava, Parker, and now Chloe need me to be healthy and active for them.  I can do this!!!

 

 

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Toodles :0)

 

 

 

Has it been a week really!?!?!?!?!?! August 10, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 10:49 am

I can’t believe that it has already been a week since I lasted posted.  And this is going to be a very short post as well.  I have a lot going on in life right now and I am not ready to discuss it yet.  I am going to try and do a few more posts this week though to at least keep a running total of what is going on with the food aspect of my transformation.  I haven’t been super stringent with my diet, but I have definitley gotten into a rhythm with my food choices and seem to be getting more relaxed with it. I weighed in this morning and I am down another 3.1 lbs from last week ….WOOHOO!!!

 

:)

 

SW:330.2

CW:327.1

 

Very close to my first goal of 325.  I am hoping to hit that before a trip that I have to make next Thursday. (I will give you the inside scoop on that once I get back)

 

Toodles :)

 

Exercised for the first time yesterday….. August 3, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 9:37 am

So….I finally felt as though I could get out and do a little cardio.  I leashed up the dogs and set out to do a double loop around the block.  Walked a mile total and was sweating like a beast when I got back.  But miraculously I did not have any pain in my leg or ankle the this morning.  That is very unusual since it is the one I shattered 10 years ago that has been repaired using screws in multiple surgeries.  I felt really good after too and talked myself into situps and pushups to boot!! 

 

I am excited that the weekend is finally here and I am looking forward to cleaning my house and getting to the park with the dogs.  I would really like to buck up the courage and go see “Mr. Grey”, but I just don’t think I can yet. We haven’t spoken since yesterday and I am feeling a little out of sorts about it still.  I had a great response on my previous entry and I am going to try and work through this, but my mind is going in all different directions.

 

Speaking of messed up minds….As of two weeks ago I have cut off all contact with my mother.  No more money to her, no more phone calls, no texts.  I just can’t do it anymore.  I feel like I have spent half my life trying to pay her back for adopting me and getting me out of a crap situation, but I am coming to realize that shouldn’t be something I have to do….and even if it were….I HAVE DONE ENOUGH!!!

 

My eating has been totally off for the last few days as I have not had time to go to the grocery store, but I am going to get over there today or first thing in the morning and make sure I have a fully stocked fridge going into this coming week.  I am almost out of cereal too, but I noticed that it is on sale at Kroger this week….woohoo!!!  I am going to sit down and make a list in a minute so that I am sure I don’t forget anything and so I don’t buy anything that I don’t need.  Can’t forget garbage bags again!!

 

 

Toodles :)

 

Freaking Irritating!!! August 1, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 1:24 pm

Today has not been the greatest of days.  I woke up feeling like crap and I am sure it’s because my eating was off all weekend and my body didn’t want what I put in it on Monday.  Then I go get a grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo from McDonald’s which is approx. 250 calories and on my way back in the person I work with yells out, in front of a client, “ANDREA!!!  Don’t think I don’t see that.  Your not supposed to be eating that!!”  You know…..my business is my business and it is embarassing to be called out by a co-worker in front of a client just because she knows I am dieting and thinks she can.  She didn’t even know what I had in the bag, but felt it neccessary to degrade me in front of a person we do business with.

 

Then to make matters worse I was feeling really alone and sent a text message to my “Christian Grey”.  I man that at one point told me how much he loved me and even said he wanted to marry me, but now seems hell bent on making me miserable.  We met when I was in college and had a amazing physical relationship.  The kind that makes you see stars and fireworks. We would talk for hours on end about our lives and all the things we had in common. I haven’t seen him in person in 15 years. I have moved all over the country and we have always kept in touch, but now that I work half a mile from his house he seems to have forgotten that I even exist. I never hear from him and I am too disgusted with my appearance to go knock on his door.  I can’t get it out of my head that he has probably seen me around town and is grossed out. My feelings of rejection have hit an all time high and I am struggling to make it through the day. I should have known he wouldn’t text me back.  Why is it that I am attracted to the men that I know are going to detroy me and bring me down?  Why am I still in love with him?

 

 

-Girl With The Broken Heart ;’(

 

 

8/2/2012……Update:   Heard from my Mr. Grey just now.  He had to have a pace maker installed…I knew he was having some problems, but i didn’t know the extent of them. :(

This is a man that runs marathons and was always in perfect health….I just can’t believe it.

 

My Christian Grey Obsession…… July 31, 2012

Filed under: Important Sh*t — reborn2shine @ 12:10 pm

I know this is supposed to be a blog about weight loss.  That being said I think that these books push me towards losing weight and getting into great shape…….so…..I will blog on

 :)

 

Everyone was talking about these books.  I had never heard of them, but with all the hype I thought “why not”.  I get on amazon and order all three books because I got a deal.  I decided to wait until the weekend to start reading them, but with all the craziness going on last week I needed a little me time with a good book, so I started on Thrusday night.  By Sunday morning I had finished the first two books and last night I finished book three.  I was beside myself with how amazing these books were, and I am not talking about all the sex…..although that was an added bonus. 

 

So many things in Christian’s early life mirror my early life.  The abuse, the adoption, the fear of touch, the feeling of being unloved & unwanted, the feeling of needing control and not having it.  In an extreme moment of clarity I realized that this character and I are one in the same.  We have different coping mechanisms…..his is sexual dominance & mine is food dominance.  I grew up to control the only thing I felt I could and that was food.  And just like Christian’s sexual dominance became a hinderance for him, my food dominance has become one for me.  I can’t tell you how many times I cried reading these novels as I kept seeing more and more of myself.

 

Falling in love and being love in return changed Christian’s life.  It changed the way he thought about himself, I think that this blog and my ever dropping waist line will help me change my life.  I want so badly to be the object of someones desire, to be the center of someone’s universe and their reason for waking up smiling every morning.  I know that people should love you for who you are regardless of whether you are skinny or fat, but how can I expect someone to be passionately in love with me when I don’t even like myself.  The day I look in the mirror and realize that I am everything I want to be is the day that I can open myself up to love with the man of my dreams.  And that may be after 10lbs, 30lbs, or 100lbs….but it will happen.  I am sure of it.

 

E.L. James…..I will never be able to thank you enough for helping me to see myself and face my own demons. It took 30 years for me to admit the abuse and fear I faced to myself and another 5 years to let it go and that is because of these books.  You are my inspiration and my weight lose muse.  And I hope that once I hit my goal ”Self” that there will be someone there for me to play with as Ana & Christian had each other. 

 

Course I would be a lot easier to pick up if I weighed about 160lbs less ;)

 

Love Ya’ll

 

One quick after thought….as I was reading the book I noticed a trend in the music.  I have 80 percent of the songs mention on my ipod as well…..I WAS SHOCKED!!!  Listing to the ipod while i was reading those scenes definitely brought them more to life for me.  Glad to know that I am not the only one with extremely  eclectic taste.  This morning I was listening to Sex on Fire while on the tread mill and at work today i was listening to Chopin Prelude in E minor while catching up on quotes.  E.L……are you sure we are not related??!!??!!

 

 

 

SPAM & My Blog

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 11:11 am

Seriously?!?!?!  I have had it up to my armpits with all of you spammers!!!  Stay off my blog.  I am going to keep marking you as spam and you are only wasting your time and mine by continuing to try and post comments on my blog.  Do yourself a favor and KNOCK IT OFF!!

 

Toodles :)

 

07/25/2012….carbs were my enemy yesterday July 25, 2012

Filed under: Daily Check In — reborn2shine @ 1:17 pm

Yesterday was like a frickin carb fest of death.  I don’t think I could get anymore in me if I had tried.  Subway is far better than the other fast food choices our there, but even the 9 grain whole what still has a butt ton of carbs in it.  So, I got a foot long and had half for lunch and half for dinner and that was a grand total of 104 carbs…..HOLY SH*T!!!!  Calories of course were super low, but the carbs can be kinda scarey.  I was still under my recommended calorie intake for the day which is good….I had a deficite of 1752 which would be about half a pound.  My goal is a 1500-1700 deficit per day to give me a loss of 3-4 lbs per week here in the beginning.  The junk food I put in my body this weekend didn’t help with that, but now that I am back on track and using my FitDay journal I am able to log better.  The only negative thing about the journal is that I have to manually enter most of the food that I eat because the aren’t in the system.  That will get easier though as I tend to bounce around a lot of the same foods , so eventually they will all be in the system. 

 

IT IS HOT TODAY!!!

 but i am still gonna try and work out :)

 

7/23/2012 & prior… July 23, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 1:31 pm

Fell off the wagon this weekend and feel like crap today.  Lost 3.4 lbs last week which is great, but I can definately tell a difference when I eat crappy food now.  Haven’t talked to my mom in a week and that is a little worrisome, but for right now I think it is best that I don’t talk to her at all. 

 

One awesome note is that with all the water I am drinking, my nails look awesome.  They are so much healthier than they ever have been and I can only contribute that to my diet.  I have to go shopping tonight for a birthday present….ughhhhhh.  Hate going out right after work.  Oh well.

 

Toodles :)

 

7/19/2012 July 19, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — reborn2shine @ 10:16 am

I am feeling a little frisky today.  Motivated and happy.  Things have been going good with my getting healthy.  Can’t say the same for everything else, but in reality all I am really worried about right now is getting into shape and getting this weight off.  Business is kinda slow right now and I have not had that many leads work out, but that will pick up so, I hope!  I haven’t talked to my mom since she drunk called me at work on Monday…..and that is probably a good thing because I doubt I could be pleasant with her.  Sava & Parker have been stuck in the house for the last two weeks while Parker is recovering from her upper respritory infection……BUT!!!  she is done with her antibiotics soon and we will be hitting the dog park this weekend so they can hang out with their buddies and we can get some good exercise in. 

 

Let’s see, what else is going on,  I resigned my lease on my house for another year.  I wish my place were bigger, but for the price & the back yard I can’t really beat it.  I am really hoping to get another dog at the beginning of the year, once Parker has matured some more, and it is the perfect place to puppy proof & house break.  It has been kinda sad without little Foster the past several weeks and Sava plays with Parker, but he is 6 yrs old and can’t keep up with her all the time.  Today I meet the most beautiful Akita that was walking by my office.  She was typical Akita and wanted to meet me on her own terms, but it was amazing and just made me miss Keiko alot too.  We’ll see.

 

Anywho,  hope everyone is having a great week!!!  Talk to you Later.

 

Toodles :)

 

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