i’ve been blogging all week about what i’ve beeen eating and how much exercising i’ve been doing, but now i am going to fill you in on the drama that was my life this week.  hopefully we are through it and now things will get back to normal.

the first bump in the road this week happened on tuesday.  i checked my bank account and noticed that apparently i had been in georgia on monday b/c my debit card had been used twice.  once at a shell and once at a travel america.  this came as a shock to me b/c as far as i could remember i had been in ohio, actually the last time i left the state was october of last year.  i thought i had been working on monday, but i guess i could have been wrong!  so i called the bank and told them.  they cancelled my card right away and told me i needed to come in and file dispute papers.  they also recommended filing a police report.  i had 30 minutes before the bank officially opened so i went to the police department.  i got there and told them what i was there for, waited for about 10 minutes for someone to come and take my report.  waited some more.  finally the guy at the window waved me over.  he proceeded to tell me that he thinks i am in the wrong place.  i need to go to the sheriff station that is housed at the court house.  okay, i can do that.  off i go.  get to the sheriff station and somehow manage to find it in the court house that gives no indication of where anything is located and tell that guy what i am there for.  he looks puzzled and says, “this isn’t where you need to go.  you need to go to the sheriff’s station on miami, you know by caring kitchen.”  okay, for starters i didn’t even know that we had two sheriff’s stations, our town is not that big, and seriously, all i need to do is write a paragraph on a piece of paper.  so off i go again.  get to the other sherriff’s station.  tell the receptionist what i am there for.  she tells me to have a seat and somebody will be with me.  as i am sitting my phone rings.  it’s the police department.  she says, “where are you at?”  i tell her.  “i think you might need to go to the your police department.  don’t be surprised if they tell you to go there.”  okay whatever, big shock i’m in the wrong place again.  so i sit and wait.  watch two deputies leave (both of which i hear say they are just going out to get some coffee, guess that was more important than wanting to know why i was there).  sit some more (about 15 minutes).  the receptionist pops her head out the window and says, “there is another deputy on his way in, he’ll take care of you.”  he finally walks in and tells me that he will be with me in a few minutes.  wait some more.  there he is.  tell him what is going on.  guess what he says?!  “you need to go to your police department”  ahhh!  okay.  so instead i go to the bank and file the dispute claim.  they don’t need a police report.  i’m not convinced i’m going to make one at this point anyhow.  i go back to work.  end of the day i go to my police department.  tell them what is going on and what i’ve been through with getting shuffled from one place to another.  they ask where the bank is located.  i tell them.  guess what they say?!  “you were at the right place the first time.  that’s where the bank is so that is where the report should be made.”  i’m throwing in the towel.  luckily he also says, “we will take the report here though.”  oh thank you!  two days later, money is back in account and i’m feeling good.

thursday night i notice that two of our kittens are missing, one of which is my daughter’s favorite.  crap.  i’m hoping they will be back.  friday morning.  favorite is back.  thank you.  as of now, other is still mia.  feeling a bit sad.  he was my favorite. 

then friday, the WORST part of my week.  if i could go back and undo friday i would do it in a second!  i took khloe, my puppy, to get fixed (cause that is what bob barker says you are supposed to do).  took her to the dr. my mom and brother have been using b/c he’s a little cheaper.  he pretty much saved my mom’s dog’s life, but she didn’t have surgery there.  my brother just had his dog fixed by this man a couple weeks ago.  cheaper sounds good to me, but it definitely shouldn’t have (just a note, go ahead and pay a higher price, you get what you pay for).  got there to drop her off.  should have followed my instincts and turned and ran with my baby.  this man does this out of his basement.  and i mean basement.  not finished.  concrete, here is my wife and my’s crap everywhere, dirty, dingy, yuck!  jokingly told people all day, “if khloe doesn’t come home with an infection we will be doing good”  shouldn’t joke.  after work i went to pick her up and there was blood everywhere.  didn’t think much of it b/c he didn’t seem to.  paid my $115 (spay, rabies shot, and nails trimmed).  got home and washed her off.  she kept bleeding.  called brother around 5:45.  asked if sophie did this.  nope.  not normal.  called petsmart b/c they have a vet in their office and the vet i used was already out (i assumed, plus i didn’t feel good about taking her back there anyhow).  talked to them.  not normal.  bring her in.  got there around 6:30 and took her to them.  they close at 7.  talked to the dr.  khloe needs opened back up b/c this bleeding should not be happening.  he was VERY concerned with the amount of blood.  could be that she is bleeding internally.  only way to find out, open her back up.  could go in and find nothing, in that case she might have a blood disorder where her blood doesn’t clot.  in that case she would have to be taken to an emergency vet clinic b/c he doesn’t have the equipment needed and she would probably need a blood transfusion.  seriously.  so i signed away my life and told them to open her up.  have to pay first.  $533!!!  i’m willing to do it, called hubby to tell him, hubby said do what it takes, we will do what we need to, she’s a part of the family (he tells me every night that he hates her, now i know he is full of it).  7:30 still there.  taking her back for surgery.  don’t know how long it will take, they are keeping her all night.  daughter and i left.  oh, did i forget to mention daughter was there with me?!  diaper so wet she was leaking (and i ran out without the diaper bag), COLORING on their WALLS!!!  could have beat her, but didn’t.  they are going to call me when she is out of surgery and let me know what they find.  9:30 finally hear from them!  2 hours later!!  she was bleeding in two places (thank god b/c if not i would have a dog with a blood disorder).  she was bleeding at her uterus and her ovary (what the hell did he take out if she still has those?!).  she’s on iv and pain meds.  she will come home with pain meds and antibiotics.  her incision is now 4-5 times larger than it was.  he had to cut out a bunch of fat b/c it was soaked in blood and that can cause problems.  he couldn’t get all of it, there is still 2-3″ that is blood soaked.  have to watch for serum seeping out of her incision, not good.  they are staying with her a little longer to make sure she is doing okay.  he’ll call me in the morning and let me know when i can pick her up.  shouldn’t have got her fixed.  wondering what made me think it needed done.  could kick myself in the ass right now.  all i want is for her to be at home with us annoying the hell out of us.  my poor puppy.

it’s been a rough week.  people stealing my money, my baby khloe almost dying, brown kitty is missing, what else can i ask for in a week?!  nothing.  i want nothing more than a relaxing weekend.

on an upside my weight was down this morning.  yea me!

i did it!  i made it through yesterday with no extra eating AND i worked out twice!  i did my normal walk/jog in the morning and when i got home i popped in my tae-bo!  the tae-bo kicked my butt.  i used to be able to get through the whole thing no problem.  last night my arms started hurting, my legs started hurting, and there were times when my body just didn’t move like billy wanted it to!  i was slower on some things too (made me feel bad when they showed the woman who is probably in her 70’s and she was keeping up!).  but when he started cool down i was shocked that we were done.  i couldn’t believe that i couldn’t get through all of it!  so tonight i am putting it back in and i am pushing myself to do the whole thing, i may still be slower, but i’m going to do it all.  the scale was nice to me this morning to.  it showed me that being good with my eating and exercise really pays off.  i got that extra boost that i needed.  so today i have been on a high from that and have been focused on what i need to do.  today has also been an off day already just because i didn’t get up early enough to work out.  i usually get up at 6 and have plenty of time.  today i had to have my dog at the vet at 7:30 (which is usually when i am leaving my house) and i didn’t want to get up earlier than 6.  i just can’t bring myself to set my alarm clock for anything before then.  after dropping the dog off i took my daughter to her baby-sitter and then went straight to my training.  i didn’t get to have my normal breakfast at my normal time so my eating schedule is off already.  i ate a banana on my way and drank some water.  when i got to the training they had donuts and cakes and all sorts of yummy looking stuff.  i bi-passed it all and went for the fruit.  i had two orange slices, 1/3 of a banana, and 4 apples slices along with a nutri grain bar.  so that was my late breakfast.  later i had a nature valley bar.  i didn’t pack my lunch today b/c i am kind of tired of the smart one/lean cuisine thing i do every day of the week.  i went to subway instead.  got myself a turkey/ham with provolone.  yummy!  i also had a bag of baked sour cream and cheddar chips.  it was a very good lunch.  now i am sitting here waiting for the home visit that is scheduled for today.

while at subway i ran into a girl that i went to high school with.  i love her.  she is so funny and nice.  we talked and she introduced me to her husband (they just got married in october).  it was nice.  she told me that they are going for a blood test today because she thinks she is pregnant.  her home tests have been positive and she is late (i told her if her home tests are saying yes then she is).  i am so excited and happy for them!  she is very excited as well.  stupid me though, sometimes i say things and then think “why the hell did i just say that?!”  it happened today.  i can’t remember how everything was said, but i know i mentioned my miscarriage.  that’s not what a newly pregnant woman wants to hear about!  as soon as i said it i felt bad.  i told her that i shouldn’t have said that.  she understood though.  she said that her sister has been telling her that she should wait until she is further along to make sure everything is okay (her sister has had previous miscarriages).  i told her to tell whoever she wants.  it is her news to tell and it’s exciting!  i just hope that she knows i am very happy for her and her husband and wish them the best!  i did tell them to enjoy these last few months of not having a baby b/c their lives will never be the same (in a good way of course)!

ahhh!  i just got off the phone with a woman i used to work with.  she wants to know if i can find her a couple families to adopt for christmas!!  i am so excited!  i can find her many families who need christmas help (i do social services working with families who have children with diagnosed medical conditions or who have developmental delays).  this has made my day so much better.  i love being able to tell my families that they don’t have to worry about christmas because there are people out there who want to make sure their children have a great holiday.  i love this season of giving! 

so i am ending on a great note for now.  i’m getting ready to leave for a home visit with a new family.  i love my job!  as stressful and heartbreaking as it is at times, i love working with all my families!

i’m feeling better about the recent can’t-control-what-i-am-putting-in-my-mouth episodes.  i did so much better yesterday!  i went home and didn’t snack on anything.  actually, after my lunch and cake i didn’t feel hungry anymore.  when hubby got home he was surprised that dinner wasn’t done yet and asked if we were eating.  i told him he was eating leftover meatloaf from the night before and i was probably going to have a bowl of cereal.  and that is what we did.  i had my special k with milk and he had a meatloaf sandwich.  it worked out nicely.  while packing hubby’s lunch i also had a piece of bread with about 1/4c. tuna salad.  such a better day in the quantity of food i ate.  maybe the quality wasn’t the greatest, but i didn’t have any uncontrollable binges.  yay for me!! 

today i got up and worked out.  four days in a row.  i am on a roll!  good thing i have been with the eating that has been going on this week!  my goal for monday (my official weigh in) is to be out of the 300’s.  i would like for the scale to read 299 (lower would be better, but i will be happy with that too).  i’ve been doing pretty good with my eating today (it’s only 11 am).  i had my breakfast smart one, i had string cheese, and i had a rice crispy treat b/c we made them in class.  for lunch i am having a smart one and vegetables.  i also have an apple and orange for my afternoon snacking.  dinner is already planned and if i eat everything like planned, i still have 6 points to have fun with (i’m thinking ice cream during survivor).  i am leaving work early today and am planning on going to target to get another workout dvd (hopefully they have 30 day shred, if not i’ll get something else and order it online).  i am going to exercise again when i get home.

i have been feeling so good lately.  i know it is the changes i’m making.  eating healthier and getting my body moving each day.  it just makes me feel good!  i have come to realize that this weight loss journey is going to take time and i am finally okay with that.  in the past i always wanted the quick fix and would get frustrated when i didn’t get results so i would give up.  this time i am all about slow and steady.  i want to be healthier for myself and for my family.  it is such an inspiration to me to read success stories from other women who have lost weight and kept it off.  i know that if they can do it, i can too!

so yesterday didn’t go as planned.  i thought i would be able to shut off the munchies, but i thought wrong.  a co-worker made brownies so i had a couple, well three.  other than that i did good at work.  then i went to my mom’s house b/c she made dinner for my family.  a yummy meatloaf.  i was going to have to take it home and bake it, but she had it all put together (along with a side dish of corn from their garden).  she had also made tuna salad (my mom is home for the next few weeks due to surgery and she is bored).  i love tuna salad.  so i had a piece of bread with about 1/3c. of tuna salad.  i also had some pepsi.  i also had some corn.  i also had a little debbie snack cake (the christmas version of the zebra cakes, and i ate both of them).  i think that is all i had.  i think.  sooo i was feeling pretty crappy about my decision to feed my face and decided that i definitely needed to work out upon returning home.  i was planning on doing my 30 minute walk/jog and then also doing the 4 mile walk.  i got home and put the meatloaf in the oven (vowing not to eat any) b/c i had to feed my husband.  i put in my dvd and started my workout.  it felt so good to get my body moving!  i definitely worked up a sweat.  i got into the 30 min. walk/jog and hubby got home.  i exercise our office/playroom, which is off of the living room where the front door is.  my 2 1/2 year old daughter was in the living room.  i heard him ask her what she was doing and i knew it couldn’t be good.  then he started laughing.  he came in and asked if i had heard her.  i hadn’t.  she was exercising!!  he said she was walking forward and backward (just like you do when transitioning on the video).  she’s been watching me!  then she came in and joined me.  oh my gosh!  too stinking cute!  so i finished the video and decided not to do the 4 mile b/c i was feeling pretty drained, but i wanted to do some extra so i did sit ups, some leg exercises, and used my free weights.  and that meatloaf that i vowed not to eat…  i ate.  crap!  here’s to tomorrow.

fast forward to tomorrow.  here i sit at my desk already wondering what the hell i have done today with my eating.  i had my smart ones breakfast sandwich.  i had my apple.  then i went to lunch.  we had a bridal shower for one of my co-workers at the country club.  we looked at the menus yesterday so i knew what i was getting.  i got a blackened chicken wrap.  it had lettuce, onion, cheese, and ranch.  i thought the ranch would come on the side, it didn’t (and i didn’t think to ask).  it came with a pickle and chips.  i didn’t want the chips so i got a side salad.  well, the chips came anyhow and i ate them.  then we got back to the office and i was offered a piece of cake.  i took it.  i’ll have to be good tonight.  no snacking.  i am thinking about picking my daughter up and heading to target to buy another work out dvd and then going home and doing it.  dinner only for me tonight, no more snacks!

i think what i am going to do with exercise (and i know i can stick to this) is get up in the morning and do the 30 minute walk/jog and do some free weights to get my body awake and working.  then in the evenings i will do another video (tae-bo, 30 day shred, etc.).  i will always do the walk/jog in the morning, but i think with the evening video i will do one for a month and then switch to another, just to keep my body from getting used to the moves.

anyhow, i will have a good night with no snacking!

okay, so it’s been a while since i blogged, except it hasn’t really.  i’ve been blogging on another site due to wanting and needing to blog about two things, my weight loss and trying to get out of debt.  well, it’s time to stop attempting to blog on that site b/c i don’t keep up with it and i like blogging here better.  so i am going to just stick with this blog and continue it.  i will probably copy the other blog to this one just so i have them on here and it’s all in one spot.

i have been doing really well lately with the dietlifestyle change.  i was proud of myself last night because i went to dinner with some old high school friends.  we weren’t meeting until 7:30 and i don’t like eating a big meal that late so i ate my dinner at home at 6:30.  we went to a mexican restaurant, my favorite, and i didn’t order anything outside of some cheese dip for the chips they give you.  it was a proud moment for me.  everybody else ate and i was good!  even though i was good while i was at the restaurant and i was good all day at work, i wasn’t so good b/t work and dinner.  i couldn’t keep things out of my mouth!  let’s see, what all did i have that i didn’t count in my points?  a bite size milky way, fun size kit kat, a piece of bread with peanut butter, two handfuls of honeynut cheerios, 3 oreos, and a small drink of milk (to wash down the oreos).  aaghhh!!  what is the point of doing so well all day to go home and ruin it in the span of a couple hours???  i need to learn some self control!  i have been getting some signs that i am going to be getting a visit from my monthly friend so i know that had something to do with the uncontrollable eating, but i have to get a grip on that.  i can’t do that for a week!  so today i am armed with my knowledge of who is on their way and i will stay on plan! 

today’s plan:

breakfast:  honeynut cheerios and milk          6 points

morning snack:  banana                                  2 points

lunch:  smart one and peas                             8 points

afternoon:  apple and cheese                          3 points

dinner:  broc. and chicken bake                      10 points

that’s 29 points and i get 37 so i have some wiggle room.  i have to eat my points every day or my loss will slow down or stop, so those 8 points will get eaten at some point!

i have been doing pretty good exercising.  i have been doing a walk away the pounds dvd that has two routines.  one is a 4 mile walk and the other is a 30 min. walk/jog.  i prefer the walk/jog b/c it’s shorter and b/c i feel like i get more out of it.  today i attempted a pilates dvd, but didn’t really like it so tonight i plan on doing my walk/jog to get my exercise in for the day.  hopefully i will find a dvd that i like that will work on the strength training stuff.

i am definitely starting at the beginning again.  i joined 3fc back in january and had been blogging at that time.  i fell off the wagon around april and life has been crazy since.  i am ready to begin this journey (again) and came back to the site today.  my blog??  can’t find it.  so i’m starting all over.  makes me sad though, i wish i could read what i had written at that time so i could see where i was then.  oh well.  i guess a fresh start isn’t a bad thing.  actually, i have had a few fresh starts recently.  i started a new job.  i have a new hair cut and color.  i completely re-did my bedroom.  it is just a time for change in my life.  much needed change.  the summer was hard on me.  i experienced a miscarriage in july and in august two of the children i work with passed away (about 1 week apart).  very hard summer.  before this summer babies in my world never died.  i got a wake up call!  my world was all rainbows and butterflies and a huge storm destroyed it.  but i am picking up the pieces and making some changes and things are getting better.  i can say that i am seeing the light, the world is beginning to look good again.  things are still very hard on days, but each day continues to get better.

let’s talk about weight a bit.  i mean, that is why we are here.  it’s always been an issue in my life.  i can not remember ever not being the “big girl”.  it’s just who i am, who i have been, who i continue to be, and who i am comfortable with.  i don’t know what it is like to be thin and the thought of it kind of scares me.  it’s the unknown.  here is what i do know:

i am too big.

i need to lose weight.

i don’t want to be “skinny”.

i want to be comfortable in my body and clothes.

i want to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.

i want to cross my legs normally.

i want to live without needing medications (i currently do not take any and i am planning on keeping it that way).

i want to be healthy for my child and family.

i want to shop in a normal clothing store, not solely lane bryant.

i want to be the woman on the outside that i feel i am on the inside.

i could go on more, but really, you get the idea.  so, the next question for me is, how do i plan on getting to the place i need to be??  i have tried many times in the past and something has always came along and deterred me.  i have consistently fallen off the wagon.  i need to learn how to stay on.  i know that weight watchers works for me.  i know that i enjoy exercise and taking walks with my daughter.  i know that i can do what i put my mind to.  i also know that i need to become consumed and obsessed with losing weight and being healthy.  that is my plan, weight watchers, exercise, pictures of a smaller me, looking at my daughter and knowing that i want to be around for her and her children, becoming obsessed with getting healthy.  that’s my plan.  probably easier said than done, actually, i know it is, but i have more desire this time around.  i am in a better place in my life that will better support me and my goal.

so there it is, a brief introduction that pretty much just rambles about different things, but hey, it’s a start.  this time i will finish!