i woke up yesterday morning at 5:30 and couldn’t get back to sleep so i went ahead and got up.  i decided to take a pregnancy test.  i didn’t really want to take one because i would rather have aunt flow show her ugly face than be disappointed by a pregnancy test.  both give me the same outcome, i know, but it’s just the way i am.  so i thought i should probably wait a few more days b/c i wasn’t too late.  but i didn’t wait.  i did my thing, watched the control line show up and that was it (in like 30 seconds).  i was upset and threw the test in the trash.  put my contacts in and i just kept thinking that there was no way i was not pregnant.  i knew i was.  so i pulled the test back out of the trash (now it had been closer to the recommended three minute wait) and there was a faint second line!  i thought i was seeing things, but there it was.  two pink lines!!!

went back to bed to share the news with hubby.  he is thrilled!  he started talking about what we will do to get ready.  he was talking about helping me out around the house so that i’m not overdoing it.  it was all really sweet.

so now i am done with dieting, moving on to eating healthy.  i will be continuing my walking, but not doing anything else.  yesterday i spent a lot of time on the internet tracking down information on what to eat while pregnant.  i found a couple of great articles that broke down what you should be eating.  one also went into what vitamins and minerals you need, how much you need, why you need them, and what foods have them.  today my plan is to combine all my information and write out my daily meal plan for the week.  then to the grocery to make sure stickybean and i are getting everything we need!!

with my miscarriage i never truely felt connected to the pregnancy, i never felt comfortable with the pregnancy. it’s like i knew something wasn’t right. i have known for about 24 hours now (officially) that i have a little person growing inside me and i am already so overwhelming in love with this baby. it feels right.  i’m so happy!

ahhh!!  thankfully the holiday’s are over!!  i went a bit mia on you during that time, i know, and i’m sorry! before i become depressing i will update you on my diet and weight loss.  i (briefly) saw 286 the monday before christmas.  after christmas week and new year’s week i was back up to 289.5.  this morning i was back to 287 and am getting back on track.  exercise was sporadic during the two weeks and eating was outrageous!  i’m okay with it though.  i know i ‘m not going to be perfect all the time.  i need weeks like those.  this week i have been getting myself back on track, slowly, but i’m getting there.  i have exercised every day and am working on my eating.  tom is around the corner (i believe, or i’m pregnant which would be GREAT!!!) and i feel like i am never full, so the eating has been a challenge, but i haven’t been doing too bad.  i’m hoping that monday i will see 285 at a maximum!  we’ll see!

okay, so now the holiday (and life) update (warning: depressing)

the holiday’s were great for the most part.  my grandma was in the hospital with an infection.  she has been in and out of the hospital with this infection before, this time it isn’t getting better with the medication.  not sure what is going to happen.  i think my family will be lucky if she is here for christmas this year.  we weren’t sure she was going to make it through the last couple of weeks.  while she was in the hospital my uncle (her son) was also admitted.  during the early fall he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and also had a brain tumor.  he was going through treatments.  he was admitted to the icu.  the doctor had a family meeting with his brothers, sisters, and son.  the doctor told them there was nothing more that could be done.  my uncle was sent home with hospice.  we had christmas eve at his house.  it was sad.  he slept the entire time.  my uncle passed away on the 29th.  the days following were very hard.  my mom has taken his death worse than i imagined.  it is the first sibling that has died since they have all been adults.  i had two aunts that passed away at 16 and 3.  i had always known about these two aunts, but found out more of the circumstances around their deaths the last couple of weeks.  the 16 year old was hit by a drunk driver while walking with a friend.  i knew that, what i didn’t know was that the drunk driver was on the opposite side of the street and he SWERVED to scare them.  the 3 yera old was playing with her brother.  she had a blanket wrapped around her and the corner of it went into the fireplace.  she was burnt badly and was in the hospital.  while in the hospital she got pnemonia and passed away.  i knew that, what i found out, the nurse put her into the bathtub, left, and forgot about her.  she then got pnemonia.  it was just weird (not the word i’m looking for) to find out that their deaths were completely preventable.  i should have grown up with two more aunts.  the accidents that took their lives should have never happened.

something december (and last year) in general taught me?  tomorrow is not promised to anybody.  in 2008 i knew way too many people who passed away.  my husband’s grandfather in april, my baby in july (i had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, i should be 36 weeks pregnant preparing for a new baby), two babies i worked with in august (one had just turned 3 and the other was 4 months), a 19 year old that my husband knew committed suicide in november, and then december brought 4 deaths:  a woman who died of natural causes, a 44 year old woman passed away after a farming accident (very sad story!!), my uncle, my dad’s friend’s dad (in his 60’s) due to heart problems.

all ages, all different circumstances.  live each day to the fullest and love everybody.  don’t get caught up with things that don’t matter.  keep yourself happy and healthy.  enjoy life.  all of this reminds me of some of the best advice i received in 1999 around high school graduation:

‘Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ‘99: Wear sunscreen:

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t know.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

so here is to 2009.  may it be happy, healthy, and fufilling.  may it have many ups and a few downs to make you appreciate the ups.  live, laugh, love.  may it be everything you desire and more.

i do so well blogging and then i don’t!  life has been so busy lately!  with thanksgiving last week, work being crazy, and just dealing with everyday life it feels like i never have time to blog.  i have time to post on 3fc.  i’m usually on there everyday, but i don’t always find time to blog.  i need to.  it keeps me on track.  so does the website, especially with everybody on there giving advice, motivation, inspiration, and everything else!  i just enjoy blogging though, plus i can go back and read it and see how things have been going.  so…  a bit of what’s been going on…

thanksgiving wasn’t a complete success, i didn’t follow my plan to a t, but i did a lot better than i would have done in past years!  i was proud of myself!  yea, i did drink some pop and i had an extra piece of pie (my aunt makes yummy apple pie and i had to have a piece of pumpkin!), but overall the day was good.  i got up and exercised that morning as planned and we went bowling that evening.  friday i went shopping with my cousin and a couple of her friends.  did great that day!  i was on my feet walking all day and for lunch i had a wonderful salad from ruby tuesdays.  by the time i got home i didn’t want to eat, i wanted to sleep!  saturday and sunday flew by and weren’t the greatest (we had thanksgiving dinner again on saturday with hubby’s family and sunday was just an off day) and then i was at monday morning weigh in.  yea.  up 1.5lbs from the week prior!  didn’t think i did that bad eating, but i wasn’t exercising.

now it’s a new week and i have been exercising like crazy!  everyday i have done 30ds, i’ve moved on to level 2, just did that last night.  wow!  i watched it the night before and thought that it was definitely doable.  i did it, but it was tougher than i thought it was going to be!  love it though!  can’t wait to do it tonight!  i’ve also been keeping up with walking away the pounds.  i have done it every morning except for monday.  i love waking up and getting that work out in, wakes me up and energizes me for the day!  eating wise i have been doing pretty good this week.  today was probably the worst day i’ve had so far.  i went a little over for lunch, but i am planning a good dinner so it will even itself out.  the scale has been nice to me this week, down from 294.5 to 291.5/292.  can’t complain about that!  i’m trying to not get overly optimistic, but i’m hoping for at least 290 come monday.  we’ll see, whatever it is i know it will be less than this monday was!

i was talking to one of my moms today about weight and losing it and all that jazz.  she and i went to high school together but she is 3 years younger.  i enjoyed our conversation.  she has been going to a dietician and has lost about 35 pounds so far.  i *almost* told her my weight.  i lowballed it (by 20lbs!).  told her i was right around 270.  we had been talking about high school and i said that i don’t remember what i weighed then but i knew that it had to be over 200.  i said that the lowest weight i remember right now was summer ‘05 when i was down to about 250.  so i’m not okay with telling people what i weigh right now.  who is?!  i’m not sure i will ever be “okay” with telling anybody that i let myself get up to 310 before i got serious about doing something about my weight!

anyhow, hopefully i will be able to get back to blogging a bit more.  i am hoping to start making more time for it.  doesn’t always happen while i am at work (should be working anyhow) and when i get home i exercise and then want to spend time with my daughter before cooking dinner and preparing bed.  i feel like i don’t have enough time to spend with my daughter anymore so i have been making an effort to spend more time coloring, playing with playdough, wrestling around, or whatever she wants.  our routine has become:  get home from work, she watches monsters inc. while i exercise, then play play play until time to start dinner (we usually get in 1- 1 1/2 hours), then dinner, then bed.  i feel so guilty about having to work and somebody else getting the majority of my child’s time.  i should be the one spending all my time with her!  she is my daughter!  but i have to work so it’s the way it has to be.  i just make the most of the time we do have together!

wow, talk about getting sidetracked.

khloe (puppy) update:  she is doing great!!  she is definitely back to her old self.  makes me very happy!  she had her stitch taken out last monday (she only had two and one she took out by herself).  so we are finally done with the spay and everything that came with it!  she went to the groomer on thursday to get her hair evened back out (they had to shave one leg for an iv and her stomach).  she is so little!  normally she is a mess of hair, i love it long, and it makes her look bigger than she is, but now she looks so tiny!  not sure if i have said this before, but she is a shih-poo and weighs about 10lbs.  anyhow, she is doing great and we couldn’t be happier!

i bought 30 day shred yesterday and did the first day.  oh my!  it was so hard!  i was sore!  i did it again today though, once again, hard, but i got through more of it.  still sore!  i am very excited to see what the difference is in my measurements after 30 days.  when i get there i will post the pre 30 day shred measurements and the post 30 day shred measurements.  until then i will keep chugging along, shredding my way to a healthier me!

i stepped on the scale again today (i really need to stop weighing myself daily) and i am down to 292.  very exciting!  especially considering my goal was to be 290 by 12/1.  definitely achievable!  if i continue like i have been i will not only meet my goal, but blow right on past it!  hard work and dedication pay off!

well, i am going to keep this post short.  my daughter and i need to get ready to head into town and get some stuff to make a yummy, healthy dinner!

i needed a week like this has been.  i would love to continue having weeks like this!  stayed on plan with eating every day (so far), exercised morning and evening everyday (except monday), no drama with any part of my life, sleeping great, feeling great, it has just been a wonderful week!  i am definitely on a high right now.  i realize that things will happen, not every week or even every day can be perfect.  i will have off plan days, i will have days that i don’t exercise, i will have drama, that’s life.  but i’m ready for it.  i am ready to tackle whatever this crazy world throws at me.  i am ready to be healthy.  i am ready to lose weight.  i am (almost) ready to try to get pregnant again.  i would like to lose another 20lbs before getting pregnant, but i would love to add another baby to our family in 2009.  or whenever i am blessed with another baby. 

i still think about my angel baby daily.  i think everyday that i should be pregnant right now.  i should be 29 weeks and 4 days along.  i should have a round belly that isn’t just because i am overweight.  i should know if it is a boy or girl (i have a feeling it was a girl, but i will never know).  i should feel my baby moving every day, kicking me and making me uncomfortable.  i should have heartburn (if it was going to be anything like my first pregnancy).  i should be preparing a room in my home.  i should, i should, i should, but i don’t and i’m not.  and you know what?  it has gotten so much easier.  my baby was a gift.  she was sent to me for a reason and before i could feel her or meet her, her job on earth was done.  she taught me much about life and love and living and losing.  she is now waiting for me, being held by family members and Jesus.  she is in a better place.  i will always remember my little miracle and the gift of her short life.  she will always be in my heart and in my mind.  i will never forget.

it has been a great day so far (and i’m not seeing that changing anytime soon)!  i got up a little earlier than usual and did the 4 mile walk.  that really motivated me to make good choices!  seriously, if i’m not going to eat smart, why get up and exercise or exercise when i get home?  you have to do both, well, i have to do both.  i had my cheerios for breakfast.  love them!  didn’t have my morning snack when i usually do b/c i had a home visit, but when i got back to the office i had my granola/nut/dried fruit mix that i found at wal-mar the other day.  it is so yummy!!  i wasn’t sure i was going to like it b/c i’m not a big fan of dried fruit, it is so good though!  i recommend everybody trying them (it’s made by planters i believe).  my boss is out today and the rest of the week so we were bad and ordered from olive garden.  normally i would have passed and stuck with my packed lunch, but i looked up their nutritional value online and found they had a couple sensible options that i could have and stay on plan.  so i ordered a salad with light dressing (didn’t use much of it), minestrone soup (very good!), and linguine alla marinara (once again, very good!).  the salad i counted as 2 points b/c of the dressing, the soup was 2, and the pasta was 6.  10 points, my packed lunch was 8.  i tried to pass up the breadsticks, but i had one.  just one though.  it was 3 points.  oh well, it was worth it!  i still have 12 points left today and we are having fish for dinner so i’m not sure how i am going to get my points.  i may have more of my nut mixture!  i am so ready to get out of the office and get home!  i have to stop at the grocery first, i hate going in the middle of the week.  but i am going to check to see if they have 30 day shred.  hopefully they have it this time!  i’ll probably stick with my tae-bo again tonight.  i got through so much of it last night, i have to get back to being able to do it all!

once again today i have noticed that i am in a really great mood.  i love the way this new lifestyle is impacting my whole life! 

it feels like forever since i posted a blog.  i’ve been keeping busy in the forums and have neglected to blog!  i joined the 20-somethings biggest loser challenge (go orange!!) and also the 5 days on plan challenge.  they both started yesterday and so far i am doing great with both!  the bl challenge really keeps me motivated b/c it’s not just for me, it’s for my team and it’s a competition (and i am very much competitive!).

i am pretty proud of how today has went.  for lunch everybody was ordering from one of my favorite lunch spots, but i stuck with my packed healthy lunch.  i did have a few potato chips (but i had the points for them).  i came home and felt snacky so i drank some water and exercised which has made the snacky feeling go away.  now i am working on dinner for the night.  we are having meatloaf made with buffalo and a side of veggies.  maybe i will throw in rolls, if we have any.  but just one for me (usually i would eat 2, i LOVE rolls and bread of all types).

update on everything.  i made it to 295 this week!  yea me!  to reach my next goal i need to lose 5lbs. by december 1.  sounds challenging and difficult, but i know i can do it!  my eating has been on plan and i’ve been exercising every day (except sunday).  actually, today i exercised morning and night for a total of 1 1/2 hours.  i did tae-bo and 1 hour of walk away the pounds.  i realize that thanksgiving is next week and i have given much thought to that.  i came to a realization yesterday though.  thanksgiving is NOT about eating (who knew?!), it is about making memories, spending time with family and friends, and reflecting upon life and giving thanks for all that you have.  given that realization i decided i should pre-plan what my menu for that day will look like (since we will be at my mom’s house and we know how i do there!).  i am going to take a flat out with me (whole wheat), a bag of salad (probably romaine lettuce), onion, tomato, and an individual serving of corn.  here is my plan for that day:  use turkey that mom makes (white meat of course) and make a wrap using it, the lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and provolone cheese.  i will also have the corn, a serving of dressing (b/c we only get it once a year and it is YUMMY!), and a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream.  i will be getting all my favorites and not over indulging.  will it be hard, why yes it will be.  but i look at the progress i have made (pushing 20lbs lost!) and one day of stuffing myself is just not worth it!  so i know i can reach my goal and be down to 290 by the 1st.

i have started noticing changes in myself.  good changes.  i’ve noticed changes with my body, i can tell i’m losing weight.  i’ve noticed a change in my attitude and my thoughts towards many things.  i really seem to be in a much better mood all around.  i think more about what i am eating and why i am eating.  my eating just to be eating has stopped.  i really stop and think about the foods that i am putting into my body.  i watch co-workers, family, and friends stuff their mouths with all sorts of unhealthy foods and the desire that i used to have to join in is just no longer there.  that’s good.  i still indulge myself every now and again.  a peppermint patty or piece of dark chocolate, but just one, not the whole bag or bar.  i look in the mirror and i know that this is not what i want for my family.  i don’t want my daughter growing up with the fat mommy.  actually i would prefer if she never remembers me being fat.  very doable as she is only 2.  i also know that for my future babies i need to lose weight to start out at a healthier place for pregnancy, delivery, and beyond.  my only wish?  i wish i would have had this attitude and outlook earlier.  i wish i would not have waited so long and let myself get to this point.  but here is where i am and i didn’t start earlier, so this is where i am going to start and i’m not stopping until i’m done!

it may only be half over but i am feeling good about the choices i have made today!  i got up and exercised first thing, getting my routine back after being off a bit.  i had my smart one stuffed biscuit for breakfast and a banana for a mid-morning snack.  lunch was brought in by my boss for a meeting.  i brought my own soup from home b/c i didn’t know what she was bringing.  she brought a wonderful salad with lots of veggies so i filled most of my plate with that (probably 1/2 my plate), 1/4 of my plate was grapes, and the last portion of my plate was penne pasta with sauce and 1 meatball.  i also had one roll.  i passed on the cake and cheeseball.  okay, so i didn’t completely pass on the cheeseball.  i had two crackers with a little bit on them.  i should have, and could have, passed, but i feel like i can have a little bit extra once in a while.  if i don’t then i will never keep up with this lifestyle change. 

so for the rest of the day here is what is going on:

i need to watch some more of the wonderful videos i was watching yesterday.  i brought some free weights from home so i will get off my butt and do a little bit of walking in my office while i “watch”.  my plan for dinner is chicken stir fry with lots of veggies and a little bit of rice.  my intent is to do tae-bo when i get home as well.  that should round out a good day for me!

oh, and my weight is going back down, this morning it was 297, still up .5 from monday, but down 1.5 from yesterday.  my goal for monday is 295.  we don’t have a lot going on the rest of this week, but i do have a wedding this weekend.  i can do it though.

everything with my dog is turning out okay.  i did go talk to the first vet yesterday to let him know what all had happened.  he pretty much blamed my dog and shooed me out of his office.  upsets me b/c he almost killed my puppy, but there are bigger fish to fry and yes it sucks that i am out so much money for a simple spay, but my puppy is recovering and life will go on.  i’m trying to believe all of that.  i’m definitely a person who can not just let things go, but i’m working on it.  maybe i should have started with something smaller than this! 

my weight is down this week.  i was hoping to at least kiss the 300’s goodbye.  i did.  yesterday i was 296.5!  another 4.5lb loss!  but this morning my scale said 298.5 (yes i weigh myself daily, it helps me, but i only count monday’s weight).  not sure what that is all about.  i didn’t eat horribly yesterday.  i exercised.  i woke up feeling not quite right though.  very dizzy.  i thought i was going to fall down the stairs.  so i didn’t exercise this morning, but i am planning on doing it tonight when i pick my dog up from my mom’s house.  the dizziness eventually went away.  i ate a banana, drank some water, and just sat around for a little bit.  i had to watch a lot of videos today at work in my office.  they were boring.  so i shut my door, surfed the 3fc website some, and did some of the moves that leslie sansone has taught me with walking.  i exercised, played on the computer, exercised, played on the computer, etc.  i think total i did at least 30 minutes of walking and jogging.  i think i am going to bring some free weights in and use them at times during the day.  actually i think i am going to start shutting myself in for about 20-30 minutes daily in the middle of the day and getting my heart rate up.  it makes me feel better and it keeps my body in motion.

just looked at the clock and realized i am only a few minutes from going home!  it has been a short/long day!  i need to go to the grocery, but am not feeling like it.  we’ll see if that happens.  hubby won’t be home for dinner so i don’t need to cook, but i do need to get stuff to pack his lunch for tomorrow.  i just want to go home.  oh well!

i figured something out today.  my mom’s house is not conducive to my diet!  i go there and am surrounded by white chocolate covered oreos, chips, good home cooking that isn’t designed for weight loss, pepsi, candy, and, and, and!!!  today hubby and i were invited to dinner there.  originally it was supposed to be beef roast with potatoes and carrots.  yum!  get there and find out it’s no longer on the menu for the day.  instead we are having scalloped chicken (which has a ton of carbs the way my mom makes it), chicken and noodles, mashed potatoes, corn, peas, and bread.  dinner is not close to being done and i was a little hungry.  hungry enough that i needed to eat something or i would overdo it during dinner.  i decided that since i had a good breakfast i could have a couple oreos (since they are only out around christmas) and a glass of milk.  i had four oreos.  it was good!  my niece and nephew were there and we were playing cards and other games.  during this time i was joining them munching on some chips and drinking a small pepsi.  woops!  i also had three small pieces of candy (chocolate covered almonds with vanilla cream).  dinner rolled around.  i knew that i needed to be good.  i had peas, corn, a small scoop of potatoes, one piece of bread, and one medium scoop of scalloped chicken.  i passed on the chicken and noodles (why we had two main dishes i’m still not sure).  i also limited myself to the one piece of bread, which is amazing for me b/c i LOVE bread.  i even skipped pepsi and drank water.  i don’t think i did too bad with dinner, it was just the snacking before hand that was no good!  now we are back at home and i am debating exercising.  i have the time.  i’ve exercised everyday since monday though (and on some days i exercised morning and evening) so i’m feeling like giving myself a break.  but i feel bad about giving myself a break.  i have issues!

on another note.  puppy is back at home (picked her up yesterday around 2).  she is doing really good.  i have to take her back tomorrow so they can check her incision b/c of the blood and fat issue.  i’m also planning on stopping by the first vet’s office and informing him that he almost killed my dog and showing him my bill from the second vet.  i would like for him to at least offer to give me back my money from his botched surgery.  we’ll see how it goes.  hopefully this week will be less exciting than last!