I started with 15-mins on the treadmill and then did:

A: Front Squat/Push Press - 45t/10, 50t/10
B1: Step-up (12″) - 10e/10, 12e/10
B2: Dumbbell One-point Row - 20e/10, 22e/10
C1: Static Lunge, Rear Foot Elevated - 7.5e/10, 10e/10
C2: Push-up (full) - 10, 10
D1: Plank - 30+30sec (on 6″ step), 25+20+20sec (on floor)
D2: Horizontal Wood Chop (on floor) - 30t/10, 32t/10

I followed with making up the workout to 60 mins with a short walk on the treadmill.

HRM: 598 cals, Max: 158 (89%), Avg: 132 (73%)

Wasn’t feeling 100% on this. I have to say that I truly love the front squat/push press, even though I felt like I was not going to make those last few reps. My balance is still crappy on the one point row and the lunge, but the weight I’m using doesn’t really seem to affect it. The planks are just sad, no matter how I look at them. I have one more stage 2 workout then on to stage 3. I’m not really sure how I feel about this since I think the bodyweight matrix is going to be impossible for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to try it, but the only time I’ve tried it (in the pool) I could barely manage the jumps. On the last two workouts I’ve tried a few of the lunge jumps, just for fun, and I’m not sure that my knees will take it. Oh well, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Now, on to the general feelings of lassitude I’ve had lately. I keep looking for a better word, but it really does fit. I don’t think it’s food related (ie. I don’t think eating more is the solution). I think it has more to do with the weight loss journey in general. I’ve recently found my food/weight loss logs from the first time I hit 300 pounds. And they’re a little depressing. A quick summary:

It starts with a return from a vacation (16-day cruise, + 5 days on land) in which I actually maintained my weight.

01/11/05 - 299.5 (~1800 cals)
02/07/05 - 297.0 (~1700 cals)
03/07/05 - 292.5 (~1500 cals)
04/04/05 - 288.0 (~1400 cals)
05/02/05 - 285.5 (~1300 cals)
06/06/05 - 282.0 (taken in hospital, may not be valid)
12/05/05 - 309.5 (stopped weighing)
12/06 ~330
06/07 ~330
12/7/07 - 358.2

March 7th was when I started an exercise program. Although it took some time to work up to it within a few weeks it was an hour of intense (for me) cardio 5 days a week (office gym). I also had a job where I could be (and was) on my feet most of the day. Looking at it dispassionately I see someone whose weight loss had slowed and just kept cutting calories. Having said that I use the term approximately since I see some days with no logging. This probably means my eating was out of control and I chose not to log it.

That’s what I’ve promised myself not to do this time. I’ve had two bad days since December and I logged the slips meticulously. I think I’m afraid of something that hasn’t happened yet. How stupid is that? Tomorrow will be (by the calendar) 6 months since I started back to losing weight and I’m depressed by the fact that I hit 300 even this morning on the scale. I’m down 58.2 pounds in that time but I keep feeling it should be better, or that I should be more fit, or something.

I know I’ll get past it, and I will keep going, but damn, I feel like crap today. I’m feeling very sorry for myself, and that’s something I don’t usually do. Or at least it’s not something I admit to.

I think I’ll go outside into the almost unbearable heat (wasn’t I bitching about the cold a day or so ago) and try ripping apart the barbecue I’ve been avoiding for pretty much a year. Sadly I think I’ve let it get past the point of no return - last night I believe one of the knobs caught on fire and melted. I missed it, but it’s gone and there are definite flame signs. The sad part is that I have some of the parts to repair it, so I should at least see what I can do and then see what other parts I’ll need to order

(This was actually written earlier for another my training log I keep on another site.   I tend to cross post a lot of things at the same time.  It was actually written about 5 or 6 hours ago, so the general despair is over.  I am probably going to make some changes for the next month, possibly not participating in the forums here for a while.  I do plan to keep up the blog as it’s only a temporary thing.)

I posted this somewhere else, not originally planning to post it here.  Then I changed my mind.  I suspect it might piss some people off, but it’s something I just feel I need to say.  Sometimes I just want to shake my fellow dieters and tell them to wake the hell up.

Maybe it’s because mostly I don’t feel like I’m dieting. I really do consider that I’m working on a healthier way of living. A nice side effect is that I’m losing weight. But seriously, has our society really progressed to the point where we can’t be happy with a modest weight loss? I find the diet boards quite supportive. I tend to stick to the 300+ group though. I mean, with a top weight of over 400 pounds it is sometimes good to talk to people who understand. Those who have struggled with the same issues. Someone who has never been more than 20 or 30 pounds overweight just can’t understand what it’s like to deal with being so heavy. I remember looking at home gyms more than a decade ago, and not being able to fit on the ones available locally. I mean, does that make sense, that equipment should be manufactured for people who don’t need to lose weight? Anyway, that’s a completely different rant.

I see an annoying trend lately. People who aren’t happy with losing 1 - 2 pounds a week. Completely unrealistic expectations as well as very unhealthy practices to lose weight at all costs. Posts from women who suffer mood swings based on their morning’s weigh-in. Yes, I weigh daily, but only to chart it, not to really look at it. Women who freak out if they go up .5 a pound day to day but jump for joy when they lose 4 pounds overnight. Two days later they’re depressed because they ‘gained’ 3 pounds back.

I mean, come on. Do they really believe that a 4 pound difference in 24 hours is a sustainable loss. Oh, or the ones who have the flu and lose 10 pounds in a week. Happy happy joy joy… until some of it comes back. What a shock.

I’ve seen at least a couple of posts from people recently who have probably lost 50 pounds or so… complaining that they’re only losing 1 pound or a pound and a half a week. I really want to tell them to wake the up. (Decided not to type the actual word.)

Having said all that, maybe I’m just mad at myself. When I see the women eating 1200 calories a day, losing 5 pounds every week, I’m just a little bit jealous.

Only a little.

I quickly remember that eating like that, and exercising a lot, and sleeping very little landed me in the hospital. Not specifically from those things, but it left me unable to fight off a simple infection. Also, not being willing to slow down when I knew my energy levels were dropping week to week. Oh, and ignoring the pain that started in my side and eventually traveled up to my shoulder every time I took a deep breath. (It was a pleural infection, which resulted in about 900ml of infected fluid needing to be drained, a hospital stay of almost 3 weeks, a boatload of three different kinds of antibiotics, and walking around with a drainage tube sticking out of my back for at least another month.)

Oh, and did I mention that my hair had thinned out quite a bit. Seriously, like clumps every time I washed my hair. Good thing it was so thick to start with.

So, I’m a little angry about the people who think a pound a week isn’t good enough. And I’m a little angry at myself for wanting that 5 pounds a week loss myself. I’ll settle in the end for my modest 2+ pounds a week (and be happy even if/when it slows) eating way more food than I thought I’d be able to.