Ready to Lose It In 2013

On the forum, I always see people that are like, “I’m up .2 Ibs and freaking out!”

OK, maybe they’re not that drastic, but I always take note of the posts where people get upset about little gains.  My approach is it is part of the process: some days you’re up a bit, some days you’re down a bit. As long as the trajectory is generally down you’re good.

Well, this morning I weighed in and was up 5 Ibs from my lowest to date - which is about half of what I’ve lost to day.  I feel so terrible, but am trying to remember my own advice. My TOM is coming today, and I’ve started exercising, so I know there’s water weight/bloating happening.  Also, I had a very good, on track day yesterday and know I will have again today. So what’s the fuss?

Just the emotional sucker punch of seeing that number again. Get me back closer to the 200s, not the 210s!

I was so excited to be down to 210 - and then I just kind of stalled the last few weeks. I am happy that I’ve kept my weight relatively close to 210 (fluctuating from 212 to 214), but need to be honest with myself that I am way off the habit.

I had a few stressful, busy work weeks. I had made plans to follow, but then didn’t follow them really to the letter. I would budget to have a salad for lunch, and then instead have a veggie pocket with fries, for example. I also made the mistake of getting frozen waffles for breakfast - granted they were the whole wheat kind, but why would I do that? Why did I think frozen waffle, with even a small amount of syrup, was the right way to start my day?

To my credit, I did fight off the urge to order pizza about 10 times.  And won. This is my first month on a new BC, so wonder if partially all of this is getting used to the new cravings/needs on the new dosage.  This week is supposed to be my TOM, so we’ll see how this goes re: weight/cravings.

I will try very hard to write in here as much as possible this week, and also to get some exercise. I will also post more on the boards and see if that helps center me again.

My new goal is 200, and I really want to hit that by the middle of April. I know I can, I just need to keep my focus and eye on the prize.

My first entry on this blog was January 5th - 44 days ago. Since then, I’ve lost 7.4 Ibs. I have gone from 55 Ibs away from goal to 47.5 Ibs away from goal.

I am very happy to have lost anything at all - I am glad for the 1.2 Ibs I lost this past week and am glad for the steady plod downwards these last few weeks. A part of me can’t help but wish to be further along at this point - 44 days seems like a long time to have less than 10 Ibs to show for it. But I am not going to spit in the face of progress. 7.4 Ibs is better than no Ibs by a long shot!

It may just be my imagination, but I feel it already in my body. I can feel it especially around my torso - my stomach doesn’t look so doughy and my back flab is less flabby. I must say that seeing some results, no matter how modest, have made me feel even more dedicated to this work.

This past week was touch and go in a few places. I wanted to get a pint of Cherry Garcia (apparently the new ice cream I’m obsessed with, it used to be cookies and cream) about 3 nights in a row. And each night, I had to convince myself not to do that. It got a little easier each night, and I found hot chocolate and graham crackers to be a good substitute, but still. It was amazing how that voice just kept popping up, and I am honestly more amazed I was able to quench it.

One thing I didn’t do this week was count my points like I should or be as active as I would like on the forum. Also, I am feeling like adding in some light activity would be a good addition to my routine. My goals for this week are:

• Track points every day
• log on/participate on the forum once a day
• try for 10,000 steps a day

The day is dawning bright and sunny here - there is always something so hopeful about a sunny winter morning, like it isn’t that bad after all and the spring is just a few gusts of wind away. I always feel like February and March are the best times of the year in a lot of ways because they are the build up to the rest of the year - the days get longer, animals and birds start to reappear slowly and poke their heads out - the world is moving toward renewal, not like it is in the fall where it is moving toward hibernation (I still love the fall!).

The day is also dawning bright on week #6 (already) of my journey. To date,  I have lost just about 5 Ibs in 5 weeks. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be unhappy with that number. It’s a pound a week - and at the rate I’m going in a year I’ll be home free. But a part of me can’t help but wish for 2 Ibs losses - especially since this is just the beginning. I remember when I did weight watchers the last time, I lost between 1.5 and 2 Ibs a week pretty regularly until I got to the 180s.

But I forget I had a major backtrack week, and when you think about it that really means two weeks lost. If I hadn’t had the bad week, and lost 1.5 Ibs each week, I would be 3-4 Ibs ahead of where I am. I know I can’t look at it that way, and I don’t really. It just occurred to me that a bad week is really a loss of 2 weeks, not one. You have to recover ground you’ve already covered.

My sweetie is working on Thursday, so we are celebrating Valentine’s Day today. Instead of going out, I’m doing a nice steak dinner at home: Filet, fingerling potatoes, salad, peas/corn, and of course wine. Thinking about the week ahead, this seems to be the majorly decadent meal I have to contend with. But, thinking more specifically, it is just one day at a time.

I know I can do this. I know I can stay on track this week. It’s my TOM, but I should be OK - my PMS wasn’t bad at all…maybe it was because I had a terrible cold that distracted me. If I’m lucky and I stay focused, I’d love to see the scale get even close to 210.

210 has significance for me, because it was the heaviest I ever was at the time I did WW last. I was 22 years old, and after suffering a major depressive episode (undiagnosed at the time, but now I see it for what it was), I quit my job and at the same time vowed to get the weight off I had packed on during comfort eating. I thought 210 was just the end of the world - I couldn’t believe I was that large. Before then, 190 had been the limit and I was embarrassed to weigh over 200 Ibs.

Then, when I gained the weight back in 2010, I glided by 210 Ibs and stopped at my highest: 224. I spent 3 years of my life in limbo at around 220. Until I had enough and started all of this again.

I realized, looking at my disgust for 210, that we are always pushing the boundaries of our limits, whether we are aware of it or not. I thought I’d never get bigger than 210 - I thought wrong because I wasn’t being vigilant. I feel like this is a major lesson I’ve learned.

So, for today, to get me closer to 210, I am having my usual breakfast, soup and one roll for lunch, and the aforementioned dinner.

More tomorrow.

After my week of refocusing, which came after a week of making some pretty terrible food choices, I am back down to 213.8, which puts my forward progress back on track and catches it up to where it was on Weigh In #3.  Am very happy about that!

It’s kind of funny; when I weighed in for the 3rd time, I had this real feeling of euphoria - like I had this momentum going and was on the fast train to losing the weight.  Maybe it was just a coincidence, but I had the distinct feeling that the powers that be stepped in and humbled me on purpose, reminded me of the inherent humility in this process. That it isn’t easy, and it probably shouldn’t be easy: after all, to get to be 50 Ibs over weight is a feat in and of itself that requires a hard look at what’s going on, and dedication to fix it.

I am happy things are going back in the right direction, but happy in a way that feels more modest than I did a few weeks ago. I guess getting this close to 210s and the single 200s made me a bit giddy.

My goal for this week is to continue to maintain that focus. While I didn’t write every day last week (snow storm!), I really believed that blogging in the early parts of the week helped set the tone and get the message right for the final few days.  I will try to do that this week as well, and commit to blogging every day at least until Friday.

I hope to continue this forward motion and would love to see the scale move closer to 210 at my next weigh in. But my bigger hope will be for something much smaller: that I can sit down to each meal, one at a time, and be successful.

Feeling a little better today, my nose isn’t as stuffy and I slept a bit more, but I know how a wet cough and my chest is tight. ugh. But I’m more alert, more awake, and more energetic than I’ve been in a few days, so I’m hoping to get some good work done and also get some good, on plan eating done.

Yesterday, I had ramen noodles for breakfast (at 11, still breakfast?), then a pudding cup, then tried to make spaghetti and turkey meatballs, but they were overcooked. When my guy got home later he made me some noodles and tea. Not an ideal day’s set of food, but hope it wasn’t too tragic.

Today, the plan is to have my usual breakfast (whole wheat english muffin and PB, OJ), soup and a roll for lunch, and then trying the meatballs again for dinner. And maybe a pudding cup if I have points left. I am hoping that today through the rest of this week I can stay on points and see progress when it comes time to weigh in on Monday.

Hope to feel all better tomorrow, and have a good night sleep (finally) tonight…

Yesterday ended up being a miserable sick day - I’ll admit, I have a pretty notable cold. Ugh. I hate being sick. Nose that is running like a faucet, wet coughs, fuzzy head, inability to sleep through the night because symptoms wake you up, no taste, no appetite, weakness.

Lame all around, I say.

But, true to my word, here I am checking in anyways. I can’t decide if I feel better or worse today - I slept better last night, but I feel weaker and more cough-y today.

Yesterday, food wise, being sick worked in my favor. I had my usual breakfast (OJ, whole wheat english muffin, PB), for lunch I had a half a chicken sandwich and a whole portion of french fries (not good), and then for dinner I had ramen noodles and more OJ. Ironically, even though I didn’t eat a lot, I probably went over my points for the day. but I have absolutely no appetite, so I hope this will work for me.

Today, I’ve already had noodles and OJ (that broth just feels so good), and I don’t see myself eating anything more complicated than more noodles or soup. I am trying to stay hydrated.

I will write again tomorrow, but have to acknowledge that this isn’t the best week to refocus, given my sickness. Or maybe it is, who knows. I am just working on being gentle with myself and getting well, and not eating a ton in the process (I want ice cream SO badly! the texture, the coolness, would be so welcome right now).

OK, so here we are on the morning of Day 1 for my refocusing week. As I noted last night, I had a hard time staying on track and plan last week, and so to keep me focused and accountable I committed to writing on the forums and on my blog each morning.

Yesterday was pretty typical for an “off day,” although maybe less so because this confounded cold has kept me from being super hungry (mucus fills up the stomach, gross but true). Had my “off” meal at Longhorn, which consisted of bread, caeser salad, burger, fries, Mr. Pibb, and a chocolate stampeded dessert (with the chocolate cake and ice cream eaten out of it - don’t like ganache). Didn’t have the slightest urge to eat again after that - even though it was early in the day - most likely because I wasn’t feeling well.

Last night was a nightmare - up every 2-3 hours coughing, sneezing (yes, I woke myself up sneezing), with stuffy nose, etc. I finally got up at 6am and sat in the shower for a half hour before dragging myself to the couch. I watched a movie and now, have an hour before I need to leave for the office. Maybe will see if I can get a nap in.

Food plan for the day is english muffin with PB, salad or soup for lunch (depends based on where we eat for work), and then chicken and green beans for dinner.

It’s true - I am up just about 2 Ibs. Not a good week this past week at all.

First, I could totally tell that my emotions were ruling the day. I had my off day last Monday, and then on Tuesday I kinda binged around 5pm that led to a night of just “giving in,” then it was really really hard to get on plan for the rest of the week. I confess, I don’t think I had an “on plan” day all week.

I ordered pizza and french fries from my favorite place. twice. That’s right, 2 times this week I gave in and called them up, almost without thinking. And then ate the food, almost without thinking.

I was definitely on an emotional roller coaster this week, I can see that. What set it off I don’t know for sure. I take Wellbutrin to help with some depression issues, and this week my prescription ran out and I couldn’t afford to refill it right away (it costs $138 for a month’s supply!). I started on the generic version (a blessed $15/month) but that gave me serious hives, so I have to be on the brand name. It has made such a difference in my mood and keeping me stable, but the price always hurts. So I wonder if a dip in those levels in my body contributed to my emotional wackadoo-ness.

At any rate, it was a step back. Not as far back as it could have been, but enough to humble me once again to this process. This week, I really commit to being on plan. And as an added measure of accountability, I commit to writing here each and every morning of the week and participating in the forum to keep me focused. It really it amazing - this past week when I was off the food wagon so to speak, I didn’t engage in the forum like I had been doing. Something to be said for that…

Here’s to a better week!

So yesterday I was on cloud 9 because I had such a good weigh in and I felt totally in the groove and motivated. Fast forward to yesterday evening, around 5pm, when the uncontrollable eating started. Had a fine day: english muffin breakfast, soup for lunch, all on point and just fine. Then, after I completed a particularly stressful and draining project for work, I sat down to have a glass of wine and unwind - also had some popcorn because I knew dinner would be a ways away. After the popcorn, which I literally demolished by shoving it by the fistfulls into my mouth, I then started reaching for the Ferror Rochers on the table next to me. then had pudding. then had more chocolate. then had more wine. then had a beer i wasn’t planning on. by the time I was in bed I am sure I’ve gone way over my points.

What bums me out about all this isn’t that it makes me an immediate hypocrite, but that it was uncontrollable. I hate that feeling of being like a freight train: pushing toward my desire, regardless of consequence.

Today I feel bloated and even worse guilty and embarrassed. I am going to try to manage my stress better today and focus on my points more. I’m pretty tired, so I’m sure that will make it a bit challenging today as well. But I know I can do it. Just got to take it one hour at a time.

And maybe grab a nap later…

Here’s to a better today than yesterday…