6 down and 39 more to go

January 12th, 2009 by ready2letgo

Well, another week gone in a new year and I am actually feeling confident that i can do this.  Scary I know.  Now if only i could be as confident in other areas of my life too, I would be rockin. (laugh) I’m down 6 pounds- only 39 more to go. That sounds like a lot. Man, how did i let myself get this big????? No wait, i know the answer. I was too busy being afraid to go out and actually live my life.  Well, this girl is done with being afraid.  Ready to take some chances.  If I get hurt (yes, we are talking about more than the weight), then I’ll deal with it, pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on with it.  That feels so liberating.  I think i’m going to keep saying that. The more i say it, then i really will believe it.  I started school last week, lots of upgrading to do, then another 4 years of University.  I really never thought I would be 35 and going back to school. But I will do it, i will even enjoy it and reward myself at the end with a wonderful Australian vacation.  My carrot on the stick. Next christmas will find me and a friend on a tropical beach enjoying the sun and life.  Snorkelling, scuba diving, swimming, and relaxing. I can’t wait. Have also met some people, so i am starting to feel hopeful again.  My promise to myself- I will not be afraid to live and take chances, i will not be this unhappy (and oblivious to the fact) again. I am worthy of ….. everything. Anything I want is within my grasp as long as i have the courage to reach for it.  Ok, i know kind of the same thing there at the end, but that’s ok, i’m all about repetition.

working on me?

January 1st, 2009 by ready2letgo

well, i’m back, find myself sitting here on Jan 1st, alone with my cat and thinking about my life and how i want it to be. or more accurately how I don’t want it to be. I know that there is a wonderfully confident, funny, beautiful, sexy girl hiding inside me somewhere and everytime i think she is ready to emerge, she gets scared and runs off again. I’m new in town, haven’t met a lot of people yet, and think i may be sliding into some old habits.  While i want to change, not just my weight but i want to lose the fears too, i just don’t know how to go about it.  The weight loss i understand. Move more, eat less, eat the right foods. That’s not my problem, it’s the mental stuff. I think things are great, i’m embracing my new life, maybe (dare i say it?) dating, and wham, all the insecurities are back. Why would they want me? Yes, i want to share my life with someone, i really don’t understand why i still feel this way. I’m funny and smart, and beautiful (see, i can tell myself this, sometimes i even believe it) and anyone would be lucky to have me, but part of me just doesn’t believe it. While i’m talking about dating, how does one do this? i haven’t dated in-a very long time, ditto for sex (although we won’t crack that can of worms) and i’m in my mid thirties. i’m really clueless about it. It was always just safer for me to hide from it. Try to make myself invisible to the world and as unattractive as possible. Now i have to try to fix all the damage i’ve done. I don’t know if i’m using this blog the way that i’m supposed to or not but i’ve always found that journalling helps ( a little anyway). I find myself analyzing every word that is said to me by the opposite sex and looking for hidden meanings.  As hard as i try not to overanalyze, i just can’t help it. If i keep busy, it’s ok, but if i’m just watching tv and doing something mindless- my mind races like crazy and analyzes everything. Now i’m wondering, did i say too much? was i too honest? Maybe just being me isn’t enough. Then i ask myself- now what? Do i try again, something different? or maybe just give up for a little while? While i’m getting ready to start my new life-litterally, school starts on monday, i can’t help but ask AM I REALLY READY TO START OVER?????? TO LET GO OF ALL MY ISSUES, AND THE WEIGHT AND BE A HEALTHY, HAPPY,WHOLE PERSON?  Part of me is screaming YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The other part is scared and trying to hang on to the old ways.  I’m trying to listen to the YES, but it is difficult.

Hello world!

December 24th, 2008 by ready2letgo

Not really sure where to start. Have always struggled with my weight and body image and low self esteem, Being shy doesn’t help either. Was most successful when i joined weight watchers in high school, think i was mostly happy at that point in my life. Since finishing high school, gained weight back and then used it to hide from the world.  It is like my personal bodyguard to protect me from being hurt and betrayed. Maybe this is too much information to share in a first blog, I am very new at this.  Have tried on my own to lose weight and have finally admitted to needing some support. This is an especially rough time of year for me since it is the first year i am not with my family. I am in a new city where I only know a couple of people -though I am working on this.  I haven’t dated in -a really long time and am not even sure how to start again. Would like to though. Really tired of hiding behind my weight. Yes, I know that everyone can find someone regardless of their size, and I’ve always found that hopeful, but never believed that I was worthy enough, that someone would want me for me regardless of the numbers on the scale and the size of my butt. I’m really trying. That’s not even why i want to lose the weight anyway, i just am tired of hiding. I am ready 2 let go and live my life again.  Well, guess that’s enough for now.