I am reading Overcoming Overeating right now- and there are just so many things I can relate to. It’s really giving me some hope that I can eventually overcome overating. lol. I will let you all know how it is when I finish it- especially for anyone who may be going through the same thing. I need to start weighing myself- but I’m just a little scared right now. I sort of want to wait until next week to start. I’m just scared of where the scale will be. I know I need to incorporate more exercise- there just doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day! Especially because I can’t really afford going to a gym- I’m limited to daylight running/walking or one of the three exercise dvds I own. Today I did manage about a 45 minute walk/run. I still havent stretched! EEK! Anyways- here is my day of eating!

• B:Mix of cheerios/bran buds/berry granola and vanilla soymilk MM!
• S: Almond sweet and salty bar
• L: Turkey sandwich w/ romaine pepper jack cheese, blackberry yogurt w/ sunflower seeds, wasa cracker with a few little pieces of cheese
• S: 1/2 small green apple w/ Peanut Butter before my walk/run
• D: Egg white omelette with peppers, onions, and spinach, slice of bread w/ pb, slice of bread w/ jelly (little overboard on bread today)
• S: VERY small bowl of some granola with a bit of milk

I don’t even know what my calorie count could be! I need to get back to tracking points- but sometimes it just drives me insane. I really didn’t need the bar between breakfast and lunch- it was just around and I ate it. GR! But this was not a binge day- so I am happy about that! My ideal eating schedule would include a more hearty breakfast- and a bigger lunch- then a smaller dinner with a snack after. I think that would work best for me- I think I overeat at dinner- because I’m used to eating large dinners. I really don’t need it though and I feel better waking up when I haven’t eaten too much the night before. What can I say- I’m a serious work in progress!

This is my second binge-free day and I am optimistic there will be more. As much as I want to lose weight quickly- I have to realize the only way I can stick with anything is not feeling constantly deprived. I have bigger problems right now than losing weight. I want to feel healthy, be in shape, and feel like I am in control of myself.

Today I ate:

• b: oatmeal with almonds and peanut butter
• little piece of biscotti with coffee
• l: piece of cajon chicken breast, rice pilaf, mozz and tomato, and honeydew
• apple and peanut butter
• d: bowl of cereal, lots of brussel sprouts (weird dinner I know but it’s what I was craving!)

So I am trying very hard to honor my hunger and think carefully about what it is I want before I eat it! Please let this control last! I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

So this is my little confession. I haven’t told anyone this. This is also how I realized I have a problem with eating. I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding this June. In January when it came time to order the dress, I needed to call the dress shop and give them my measurements so they could place the order. I couldn’t go there to do this all because I’m out of state so they told me to go to any bridal place and get measured. I thought about this and decided to do a dumb thing. I made up measurements I would like to be by June and gave the dress shop those numbers!!!!! I figured that would force me to lose weight because now if I don’t, I literally will not be able to be in the wedding. So now I am three months away and a good 20-25 lbs away from where I should be. YIKES. This is not good. During the whole month of February I kept trying to diet and kept bingeing- so I realized I have a problem. I wasn’t starving myself so there was no reason my body should freak out like it was. So now I am in a tough position- because I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT! What will I do if I don’t! This is a pretty funny situation to me, I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t lose weight before this wedding!

Has anyone else ever done something crazy like this?

• B: Oatmeal, large banana, 1/2 c. strawberries, 1 tbs. pb
• Egg salad sandwhich, carrots
• Veggie Burger, brussels sprouts, and a rice blend with peas and onions and peppers
• NO MORE pudding!

• B: Cheerios, branbuds, strawberries, skim milk
• L: HUGE LUNCH: med. salad w/ peppers and black beans, small plate of cottage cheese and strawberries, 2 wasa crackers with hummus, 1 wasa cracker with pB
• S: Serving of baby carrots and 100 cal popcorn
• D: Flat out pizza with cheese and zucchini, roasted brussels sprouts
• D: S/f pudding- then subsequent extra pudding and crackers.

It is wonderful to wake up in the morning after a day of good eating! I woke up this morning and I felt empty and hungry! Not groggy and bloated After breakfast I went on a very long walk then I did the 30 day shred again. I am sore and loving it! I hate doing the push ups the most- I can barely do one real one! I can’t wait for it to get easier so I can FINALLY move to the next level.

So I went a little over on points (1.5)- that is if I am not using my activity points- which I dont want to. I overdid it on my sugar free pudding and popcorn. It’s better then a full meal of Wendys so, its a step in the right direction.

• B: Cheerios, branbuds, strawberries, and skim milk
• L: Egg Salad Sandwhich, carrots, popcorn, and 2 sugarfree puddings *yikes
• D: Flat out pizza with tom. sauc, mozz cheese, zucchini, spinach, and peppers
• Dessert aka mini binge: slice of bread w/ s/f jam, spoon of PB, ANOTHER popcorn and ANOTHER pudding- okay they are only 60 cals each but yikes 3 is enough.

Day Two is always the end of my diets. This is the first time I’ve been honest about what I have eaten and definitely the first time I have written it out publicly. It’s hard to look at that damage, but bingeing is a hard thing to get over. Usually on day two, I give up, binge, then rationalize that this diet was not for me and that tomorrow I’m going to start something new. Usually tomorrow comes a week later and I have done monumental damage to myself in that time. Not now. I can work weight watchers. I don’t feel deprived and I believe if I avoid sugar I can get away from bingeing.

 Thank you ladies for your comments and encouragement! I always feel a little less isolated when I read about someone going through similar situations as me with eating. So I hope I can do the same for at least one person! Good luck to everyone, stay strong and have a great week!

• B: Apple and Almonds
• L: Lentil/Tom. Soup and a mini salad of Snowpeas and Peppers
• D: Spaghetti and Meatsauce, 2 slices of WW bread w/ garlic, small plate of kale chips
• Dessert: s/f choc/vanilla pudding

I think I am discovering a major trigger for my binges. SUGAR. EVIL SUGAR. Yesterday I was eating well..good portions- lots of veggies and healthy stuff. Then I had a few points left and I decided I really wanted a bowl of oatmeal. So I had one of my roommates maple and brown sugar oatmeal packets- instead of making a bowl of the real stuff. CRAZY. I literally went crazy and ate all night until I couldn’t move.

Not only did it set me off on a binge- but it made my thinking sooo soo insane. I was depressed and illogical in every way possible. I am so happy I went to sleep right after so I could wake up with a new perspective. I have a sweet tooth more than anything else- but after my episode last night, I am literally afraid to eat sugar again. I printed out a list of foods that are good to eat if you are trying to avoid sugar so I think I will incorporate that into my weight watchers plan. I feel relieved to hopefully be finding a way to escape my binging!

Does anyone else notice they are more sensitive to sugar? I’m wondering if I should also avoid artificial sweeteners..do they have the same effect? I’m not going to cut out fruit- because I love fruit! I am going to try to avoid bananas- even though I love them. Well, here is hoping that this will be a good day 1 of being BINGE FREE!

Thank you for your encouraging comments. A big problem with this is that it is so isolating. I don’t bring up in casual conversation the fact that I frequently eat enough food for a family of 4.5 people. I leave for vacation in one week. I need to lose 50 lbs by then. No? Okay well I would settle for a binge free week instead. BINGE FREE WEEK ONE. AND……………..GO!!!!!!!

Plan for tomorrow:

1. wake up early and go for a walk/run
2. shower
3. eat
4. work
5. dont binge
6. buy food that i wont binge on
7. dont buy food that i will eat on the way home (it DOES count if you eat it right from the bag before it makes it to your kitchen)

So let me get this straight- it’s finally not 3 degrees and you are pissed off because you are not going to look good in summer clothes again? Wow- way to live life Rachel. I’m not trying to be extremely harsh on myself. I just have so seriously screwed thinking sometimes. Ever since I came to the realization I am a serious binge eater- my binges have become so bad and my thinking is becoming insane. So after my mini lunch binge, I did what any normal person would do. After work, I stopped at the store on my way home for more snacks to hole up in my room all night with.

I was reading over the OA and binge eating forums when I quickly checked the news and saw Natasha Richardson had died. I’m not sure why, but this has seriously affected me. I have absolutely nothing in common with this woman- she is 45 and I’m in my 20s. She is a mom- and I’m practically a kid still. She is a beautiful British actress and I am..well not. But my heart just broke for her family and Liam Neeson. I mean I could get into a ski accident and be dead by next week. And what have I done. I have been FUCKING OBSESSED with my weight for most of my conscious life. I have put off what I want to do until I “lose the weight”. Oh right I have never lost a pound- only gained plenty.

So basically I am going to knock all this horse shit thinking off. One day at a time I will try not to binge. Binging is not filling this emptiness I have and it’s making my life pretty much suck worse than the celebrity apprentice. So I pray to God that he/she helps me to start living. I also just pray for Natasha’s family, especially her children.