Today it was a beautiful and almost warm day. It has been the coldest winter I have ever lived through ( I just moved up north from North Carolina) and I was walking down the street on my lunch break to grab a slice of pizza. I couldn’t understand why I felt anxious and uneasy as I was eating. It wasn’t that my salad was sitting in the fridge at work as I ate pizza, it was the fact that soon it would be hot again- and I’m STILL FAT. No more bulky sweaters and jackets to hide the 10 or so pounds I’ve put on this winter.

So let me get this straight- it’s finally not 3 degrees and you are pissed off because you are not going to look good in summer clothes again? Wow- way to live life Rachel. I’m not trying to be extremely harsh on myself. I just have so seriously screwed thinking sometimes. Ever since I came to the realization I am a serious binge eater- my binges have become so bad and my thinking is becoming insane. So after my mini lunch binge, I did what any normal person would do. After work, I stopped at the store on my way home for more snacks to hole up in my room all night with.

I was reading over the OA and binge eating forums when I quickly checked the news and saw Natasha Richardson had died. I’m not sure why, but this has seriously affected me. I have absolutely nothing in common with this woman- she is 45 and I’m in my 20s. She is a mom- and I’m practically a kid still. She is a beautiful British actress and I am..well not. But my heart just broke for her family and Liam Neeson. I mean I could get into a ski accident and be dead by next week. And what have I done. I have been FUCKING OBSESSED with my weight for most of my conscious life. I have put off what I want to do until I “lose the weight”. Oh right I have never lost a pound- only gained plenty.

So basically I am going to knock all this horse shit thinking off. One day at a time I will try not to binge. Binging is not filling this emptiness I have and it’s making my life pretty much suck worse than the celebrity apprentice. So I pray to God that he/she helps me to start living. I also just pray for Natasha’s family, especially her children.