So close to Onederland!

I was just looking through my other posts and smiling to myself…I’m still in the journey and have seen those stuggling numbers go down, slowly but surely.  Today I’m at 205.2, that’s 26.4 lbs down from the beginning of joining 3FC.  At my highest weight I was 238 so I’m down over 30 lbs from that–I’ve had to make adjustments in my wardrobe! LOL

My next goal–199!  I’m hoping to see it by my birthday on April 27th!  I’m still trying to stay around 1200-1500 cal. drinking a ton of water and DH and I have been walking for exercise. I haven’t been in the one hundreds since getting married over 5 yrs ago so It’ll be nice to see a 1 instead of a 2 again.  Actually, I’ve been celebrating every new low, every loose pair of jeans, every morning getting up without pain…it’s all been great and I’m cherishing every pound gone in hopes that I’ll never see each pound again.

The most important part of my journey this time is to figure out my relationship with food.  I don’t want to lose a bunch of weight and then gain it all back plus some.  So, I’ve been doing a ton of soul searching.  Part of my journey was realizing it was ok to love myself…. now that I know it’s ok to do, I’m working on actually doing it.  Part of it has been a spiritual awakening.  I have turned to food for comfort and control.  Well, my Lord is suppose to be my comfort and I’m suppose to let Him be in control.  So, now I’m working on Leaning and Trusting on Jesus in those times when I just want to stuff my face.  And, yesterday, while I was wanting to eat anything I could find, I realized I was just bored!  I wasn’t upset about anything at all and I wasn’t wanting to punish myself or put up walls or show the world I was in control, nope, just bored, LOL.  So, I started cleaning the house.  Believe me, I’d rather eat than clean, but that’s where the whole ‘loving myself’ had to kick in.  I made “what I want most” a priority over what I wanted in the moment. That’s the mantra I have to use when I just want to eat simply because I enjoy the scumptious taste in my mouth, LOL.  I have been using dark chocolate chips to calm my longing for sweets, 16 big chips is 80 calories… I let them melt slowly in my mouth, mmmmm!  So, ya, I’m not a food addict because of one issue, it’s a bunch of issues :)  So, I tackle them as they come and I’m trying to not sell myself short because I am worth the effort, I am worth the fight!

It’s been a while

Well, I haven’t written in a while.  I’ve been really busy with appointments for my kids and I’ve started meeting with some friends to walk a few miles a day instead of sitting on the computer all day.

Valentine’s Day was really hard, I demolished a box of chocolates.  I shouldn’t have even let my husband buy it for me but I had this urge and I tricked him… told him I’d only eat a piece a day so he’d buy them.  Well, one thing I’ve learned this journey is that I may fall down but I have to forgive myself and move on.  So, yesterday and today (so far) I’ve stayed on plan and I’m trying really hard because I had a specific goal for next week’s weigh in.  I wanted to get down to 212 for my 5 yr. anniversary celebration.  I have to lose 5 pounds in a week to do it.  It could happen but like I said before, even if I don’t I will keep trying.  I guess some days are just going to be difficult but I have to learn to deal with it because I’m not just on a diet for a few months… I’m trying to be on a life long journey and even skinny people have days that they splurge.  That’s the thing though, the skinny person’s splurge days are few and the rest of the time they eat proper amounts.  People like myself make splurging days the rule instead of the exception and that’s why we’re big.  So, I can have “those” days, but they have to be the exception.  The rest of the time I have to stay on track so I can make my dreams of a healthier skinnier me turn into a reality.

Hitting a Wall

Today was my official weigh in day for this week; I’m up .6 lbs to 224.4.  It’s because I had a bad couple of days that I was fighting depression over some financial difficulties.  I didn’t totally give up and binge, but I decided I was going to eat with my family and got a second helping and didn’t count the calories.

Now I’m disgusted with myself, but I have to change my thinking, right?  Feeling mad at myself makes me want to eat, so I think I need to forgive myself and move on.  The most important thing to me in this journey is to change the way I think about myself and food.

I’ve been obsessing over seeing 219.  Maybe I just need to be happy with a loss each week, no matter how big or small and then I’ll get to 219 without the stress.  As long as it’s a loss… that’s better than a gain for cryin’ out loud!

So, back to my cup of water and an ipod full of dancing music to get me going for the day.

2nd weigh-in

Well, it’s Thursday, my official weigh-in day.  I’m at 223.8 now, for a 2.8 lb. loss this week and a 7.8 lb loss total.

My clothes are already starting to fit better, ya know, the ones I was squeezed into because I refused to buy a size 24!  My first goal on the scale is to be 219 but my non-scale victory will be when I can put on those size 20 jeans in my closet and look good doing it!  I’ve been up and down in my weight so much in the past that I have 18, 16, and 14’s in my closet.  But, I’m not going to settle for size 14 this time around so I stole a pair of size 12 jeans from my daughter (who hates wearing jeans).  Those are sitting on the top of my dresser as a reminder.  When I get to my final goal of 130 I’ll be able to share clothes with my 16 year old, lol.  She’s a size 8.

Yesterday my kids gave me a workout.  We put music on loud and they danced with me and I copied them.  They had me jumping and moving all over the place for an hour.  My knee’s hurting a bit today, but we sure had fun!

Why it’s Different

Everytime we start a diet we hope it will be different this time.  Anyone who’s struggled with their weight knows exactly what I’m talking about.  We find a new diet and think, THIS one will work. Or, we are bigger than we’ve ever been before so we think we are desperate enough.  But, time and time again, we lose 10, 20, even 50, and then we gain it all back again PLUS some.

So, I didn’t even want to try again.  My biggest fear was loosing a bunch of weight and then gaining it back just to end up bigger than I started.  I thought I should just accept my size and maintain it.  That would be better, right?  Well, not exactly.  Staying morbidly obese isn’t a descent option.  I can’t play with my kids.  My body hurts everyday-my back, my knees, my ankles.  I’m tired and the heartburn from stuffing myself isn’t even tamed by the meds anymore.  So how could it be different this time?

Why it’s different is this: I realized I have to love myself.  I deserve to be healthy.  Mindless eating was a punishment and I deserve more!  Also, every other time I lost weight, I was thinking about an event or trying to impress a certain person or people.  This time, it’s for ME.  This time I refuse to be content with “good enough”- I set my goal where I really want to be!  This time I will learn how to shop, not just for the proper ‘fad’ diet supplies, but to shop for my whole family.  I will learn to cook for my whole family.  I will surround myself with healthy eating habits and my husband and children will benefit as well.  I will never think I can just “swing” it with counting my calories!  That’s what I’ve done in the past after dieting for 3 months and then I’d gradually gain everything back-mindless eating again.  I will live my life with a purpose and a plan.  I am worth it and so are You!  I will keep trying even if I have a bad day.  I won’t ever consider putting an unhealthy amount of calories in my mouth as “treating myself” again!  How can it be treating myself if it means it leads me to this miserable existence?  I don’t want to just exist anymore.  I want to LIVE.

First Weigh-In

I did it! 5 lbs in my 1st week.  I was so scared of that scale.  I feel so much better now.  I did not want to do my workout today but my husband said he’d do it with me so I got off the couch and did it.  When I went to my calendar I realized my starting weight was more than I’d originally posted so I have some editing to do.  My original weight was 231.6 and today was 226.6.  I did an evening workout of dancing today too.  My muscles are so sore all over and I’m totally ready for bed but my baby boy won’t be ready for bed for 2 more hours so I’ve got to hold on.  Not feeling really talkative tonight but I had to post my loss.  Oh, I ate cooked spinach with a cream sauce today… first time and it was really good.  I’m learning a whole new way to cook and eat.  I have to because this isn’t just for now, but a lifetime.  I never want to see 231 again.

Anticipation

Tomorrow will be weigh-in day.  One whole week of exercise and keeping my calories between 1200-1400.  But I’m anxious about getting on that.  I’ve actually done so well, but I don’t feel like I have.  I have a problem with an all-or-nothing mentality so if I’m not eating EVERYTHING then I feel like I should be eating NOTHING.  I feel guilty every time I put anything in my mouth.  I’m scared to cook for my family because I know I’ll want to eat more than my share and I won’t be able to have an EXACT count on my calories.  My poor kids have been eating out or eating my diet dinners or stealing my pre-made salads.  Maybe this is why I still feel like a failure… because I haven’t figured out how to live “normally” and not go crazy eating.  I feel like everything in my life revolves around my diet.  I have to pack a shake or snack bar when I go visit my friends.  I can’t take a shower and be dressed for the day without doing my workout first.  I’ve been planning my entire day around when I can eat and sometimes I’m frozen just waiting for the clock to say it’s the appointed time for my next meal.

I’m hoping after a while I’ll learn some recipes and refill my cupboards and fridge with proper nutrition for myself and my whole family.  I’m hoping eating small amounts will become my “normal” and I’m hoping eventually I won’t be scared of food.

This has been what/how I eat everyday-

Breakfast-180 cal. shake

Early lunch-290 cal. salad

Late lunch-260-300 cal. meal

Dinner-260-300 cal. meal and cup of skim milk (90 cal.)

Snack-100 cal. treat

and I drink a ton of Water throughout the day and even in the middle of the night when I wake up to run to the restroom. 

I’m worried about the meals because they are pre-packaged so they’re full of sodium.  However, it’s a really good way for me to get my veggies because they’re always mixed into the dish with a sauce or seasoning so I close my eyes and pretend to like them. :) 

I just really hope I at least have something to show for all this on the scale tomorrow!

Goals

Starting Weight:231.6 (Jan. 6) size 22 pants

First Goal: 219-I haven’t seen 219 or less in at least 3 years.  I have been on 3 diets in those 3 years and haven’t fallen below 220.  I’m going to do it this time!

Second Goal: 199-I haven’t seen this number in 5 years

Third Goal: 160-I haven’t seen this number in 10 years

Fourth Goal 142-This is what I weighed before getting pregnant with my first daughter who is 16 now.  I think I could fit into size 10 jeans.

Final Goal: 130-I’ve never been this small since being as tall as I am now… It seems like a dream.  I don’t know what size I’ll be because I’ve never been this small!

Other Goals:to figure out how to edit the title of this blog so it says Loser instead of Looser! lol and to figure out how to put my before/after pics up for everyone to see :)

“Let my people Go!”

I’m a prisoner in a body of fat.  I need to be set free!  My fat life has been plagued with sickness, tiredness, depression, pain, loneliness, and seclusion.  If I don’t get out of here, the next one could be death.  Let’s face it; I’m not getting any younger and this weight could cause all sorts of nasty problems.

Right now I’m counting calories and trying to get a workout in each day.  I am SO out of shape.  Just 20 minutes is kicking my booty!  I’m also in a competition with my two sisters for 100 bucks.  I needed something to call myself out of my prison, so I set up this rivalry with my sisters to get me moving.  Whoever looses the most pounds in 12 weeks time gets the $100 I put up.  One sister was just told she’s pre-diabetic and the other has already lost 70 lbs, but was starting to gain it back.  We all need to be set free!

I’ve been eating around 1200-1400 calories a day for almost a week.  I make sure I have a salad every day for lunch and I’m completely staying away from sugary treats, potatoes, soda, pizza, and breads.  I have not felt hungry at all since I’ve been eating a little bit every couple of hours.  But, the cravings are CRAZY!!  I just want to EAT!!  I have to keep telling myself “it’s not worth it” and “skinny taste better”!  I’m drinking a ton of water so I have to keep running to the restroom and, of course, my monthly visitor had to visit this week so I’m cranky, bloated, and I want some Chocolate and Cola!  I just have to keep the vision.  I have to keep pressing on.  It feels like I’m starting an Exodus and 130lbs is the Promise Land!  The journey may be hard but it will be worth it :)

In the Beginning

I have been struggling with my weight forever.  Well not forever, but I know how it started and it was a long time ago.

My favorite meal was finally done, sitting on the plate in front of me.  My step-mother’s porcupine meatballs, mashed potatoes, and corn!  Living at my dad’s was difficult; my step mom was pretty evil, but her meatballs tasted like heaven!  I was about to take my first bite and then she just had to do it.  She told my dad I’d said earlier that I wanted to go to my mom’s.  I don’t know why I told her.  She pretended to be my friend and she knew I was afraid of my dad.  He was a big guy with a really loud voice!  So, there it was, I wanted to go live at my mom’s.  The secret was out of the bag.  I don’t remember every bit of the conversation; I was only 7.  But, I do remember my dad crying when I told him it was true.  I’d never seen him cry before.  I was so upset I just couldn’t eat.  Dad packed me up, drove me to my mom’s, and told her she had to keep me.  She said she couldn’t because she didn’t have enough room, but he threw the black trash bag full of my things on her floor and left me there.  I was so hurt…and then I realized that I didn’t even get to eat those meatballs.  I decided right then “I will never let anything else keep me from eating again!”

That day I felt the only control I had was over what went in my mouth and I was going to put as much in it as I could.  Food was my friend.  Food has always been there.  I thought it would never let me down…

So, here I am, almost 30 years later, realizing the worst thing that has tormented me in so many ways is because of food!  I was the cute, but chubby, girl: the fat friend: the pretty face: the smart girl-you get the picture.  I have been on & off diets since I was 12 years old.  I remember making Slim Fast Shakes in 6th grade!  In 9th grade I was on a diet for a while.  I went from a size 16 to a 12.  Looking back I can’t believe I thought I was SO fat back then.  I’d LOVE to be in a 16 now!!  I ended up back in a 16 in my senior year thinking I was HUGE.  I don’t know if people liked me; I kept myself in a bubble.  My little bubble of being the fat girl.

As an adult I’ve been all over the place.  At one point I fell in love with martial arts.  I took my addictive behavior to the gym and I was looking and feeling great.  I kept eating though, so when I got injured from so many sparring matches, the weight came back hard and fast.  Now, I’m bigger than ever before.  I’m so scared to go on a diet because every time I’ve lost weight, I gained it all back plus some.  What will I do if I complete that cycle again and end up bigger than now????  I can’t fathom getting any bigger.  I can’t breathe right.  I hurt all over all of the time.  I look so bad I can’t face myself with an honest smile.  I have to try, so I am, but what is going to happen to me?