The new Bex

Symptom 3: Difficulty owning our own reality

Do I know who I am? Can I own my reality about my body, thinking, feeling, and behaviors? Problems here come from when children are ignored, attacked, or abandoned for expressing their reality. I will try to keep that in mind.

I think I can own my reality about my body. I have been conscious lately about trying to become more physically healthy. I know that right now my body looks so much better than it did a few years ago. I still see some flaws when I see myself in the mirror, but on the whole I think I look somewhere between okay and pretty good. The problem is, sometimes I don’t feel like I look okay or pretty good because I let other people’s thoughts about my body affect how I see myself. I guess that’s an internal boundary issue. If my boyfriend says “I’m not in the mood,” I feel like I’m not attractive enough. And so on.

I sometimes own my reality about my thinking. I am often choosy about when to share my thoughts. Then again, my choosiness is sometimes not to my benefit either. I often choose the wrong moment to share my thoughts, and someone’s feelings get hurt or something unpleasant happens, and that makes me want to continue to keep my thoughts to myself.

Symptom 2: Difficulty setting functional boundaries

External boundaries and internal boundaries. I guess I also fit into the paradigm for not having good boundaries. As for external boundaries, I know I have accepted physical contact when that’s not what I wanted, because I confused physical touch with the feeling of being loved. And also because I simply didn’t have the guts to tell someone to back off. I remember one of my first boyfriends kissed me… no, practically sucked my tonsils out of my throat… and I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t feel comfortable with that and so as soon as I could figure out an excuse (I needed to feel justified in another way, I guess) I broke up with him. I didn’t turn down physical advances from a couple ex boyfriends, because by then, I confused that with feelings of love. And I guess I have to admit, I’m also an offender. I know I’ve stepped within my most recent ex’s boundaries a time or two when it was unwanted. I don’t like admitting that to myself, it makes me feel disgusted. And sad.

At first, I think I fall into the category of “No boundaries,” because these thoughts are exactly what came to mind when I read about boundaries. But then the category “damaged boundary system” sounds like me as well. Because, honestly, I’m not like that around just anyone. For example, I have indeed told people in the past that I’m not comfortable touching them, and I have indeed respected several people’s boundaries. So maybe I’m just like that in relationships?

Then I read about walls. Anger as a wall. Silence as a wall. Fear as a wall. I think of a time when I was in college. I was engaged to a guy, and even after we had been together for a while, I still had walls of silence and anger. If I was going through a stressful time, I would be silent. He would want to comfort me with a hug, and I would snap angrily, “Don’t. Touch. Me.” He respected my boundaries, and eventually he even started asking me when I was upset “Do you want me to touch you?” I don’t know if that falls into the category of walls, but when I think about that time in my life, I imagined a force field up around myself that I didn’t want anyone to cross. And very often in social situations, I use the wall of silence and just observe everyone being social around me but rarely participate. In grad school when we were given reviews, I think this is why my professors sometimes said I wasn’t personable. I knew who my friends were, and in 1:1 settings I was more social, but I never really let them know me, and I never really opened up and talked in the classroom.

Symptom 1:  Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem

Preciousness and value as a person. Even the first line of this chapter makes me pause and feel desperate for change. I don’t have that feeling of preciousness or value, and I want it so very badly. I feel valued as a worker because I bust my tail to do a good job at work, and I feel valued as a daughter when I go out of my way for my parents, but I don’t feel value for just being myself. I continue reading.

If there are two kinds of self esteem in codependents, I am at the low or nonexistent side. Mellody says that this comes from caretakers giving the impression that I am “less than” a person.

Introduction

The book talks about where the disease comes from, and talks about parenting that impairs a child from developing into a mature, responsible adult. I know there were some faults in my upbringing, but I guess I just always believed every family was a little different, and that I turned out ok in the end. I love my parents more than ever, and I finally feel like they love me too. Hm. Maybe the word “finally” says something about my childhood. Maybe I am the kid the book describes. The kid who felt like she had to fix her own problems herself, the kid who was told that her emotions weren’t important because of her age, the kid who wasn’t perfect, the kid who got spanked up to age 16 for being stubborn and unruly. Wow. Maybe I have a lot to work on.

I. Got. Dumped.  I thought he was the one, and I invested so much in the relationship that for the past month of trying to be just friends, I have been just miserable.  Miserable to the point of cracking and going to a counselor.  I was embarrassed to admit that I have a master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and yet cannot handle my own emotional crises, and she asked me what did I learn in school about codependence.  And I had to answer, “Absolutely nothing.”  She assigned me the homework of reading a book called Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody, and so I think as I begin to re-work on my emotional health, I’ll commit to this blog to chronicle my journey.  I have a feeling it’s going to get harder before it gets better, but I’ve got to do something.  I think that something is going to involve learning to love myself, and on my own terms and not through the eyes of family, friends, boyfriends, coworkers, blah blah blah.  Wish me luck!