The new Bex

Symptom 3: Difficulty owning our own reality

Do I know who I am? Can I own my reality about my body, thinking, feeling, and behaviors? Problems here come from when children are ignored, attacked, or abandoned for expressing their reality. I will try to keep that in mind.

I think I can own my reality about my body. I have been conscious lately about trying to become more physically healthy. I know that right now my body looks so much better than it did a few years ago. I still see some flaws when I see myself in the mirror, but on the whole I think I look somewhere between okay and pretty good. The problem is, sometimes I don’t feel like I look okay or pretty good because I let other people’s thoughts about my body affect how I see myself. I guess that’s an internal boundary issue. If my boyfriend says “I’m not in the mood,” I feel like I’m not attractive enough. And so on.

I sometimes own my reality about my thinking. I am often choosy about when to share my thoughts. Then again, my choosiness is sometimes not to my benefit either. I often choose the wrong moment to share my thoughts, and someone’s feelings get hurt or something unpleasant happens, and that makes me want to continue to keep my thoughts to myself.

Symptom 2: Difficulty setting functional boundaries

External boundaries and internal boundaries. I guess I also fit into the paradigm for not having good boundaries. As for external boundaries, I know I have accepted physical contact when that’s not what I wanted, because I confused physical touch with the feeling of being loved. And also because I simply didn’t have the guts to tell someone to back off. I remember one of my first boyfriends kissed me… no, practically sucked my tonsils out of my throat… and I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t feel comfortable with that and so as soon as I could figure out an excuse (I needed to feel justified in another way, I guess) I broke up with him. I didn’t turn down physical advances from a couple ex boyfriends, because by then, I confused that with feelings of love. And I guess I have to admit, I’m also an offender. I know I’ve stepped within my most recent ex’s boundaries a time or two when it was unwanted. I don’t like admitting that to myself, it makes me feel disgusted. And sad.

At first, I think I fall into the category of “No boundaries,” because these thoughts are exactly what came to mind when I read about boundaries. But then the category “damaged boundary system” sounds like me as well. Because, honestly, I’m not like that around just anyone. For example, I have indeed told people in the past that I’m not comfortable touching them, and I have indeed respected several people’s boundaries. So maybe I’m just like that in relationships?

Then I read about walls. Anger as a wall. Silence as a wall. Fear as a wall. I think of a time when I was in college. I was engaged to a guy, and even after we had been together for a while, I still had walls of silence and anger. If I was going through a stressful time, I would be silent. He would want to comfort me with a hug, and I would snap angrily, “Don’t. Touch. Me.” He respected my boundaries, and eventually he even started asking me when I was upset “Do you want me to touch you?” I don’t know if that falls into the category of walls, but when I think about that time in my life, I imagined a force field up around myself that I didn’t want anyone to cross. And very often in social situations, I use the wall of silence and just observe everyone being social around me but rarely participate. In grad school when we were given reviews, I think this is why my professors sometimes said I wasn’t personable. I knew who my friends were, and in 1:1 settings I was more social, but I never really let them know me, and I never really opened up and talked in the classroom.

Symptom 1:  Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem

Preciousness and value as a person. Even the first line of this chapter makes me pause and feel desperate for change. I don’t have that feeling of preciousness or value, and I want it so very badly. I feel valued as a worker because I bust my tail to do a good job at work, and I feel valued as a daughter when I go out of my way for my parents, but I don’t feel value for just being myself. I continue reading.

If there are two kinds of self esteem in codependents, I am at the low or nonexistent side. Mellody says that this comes from caretakers giving the impression that I am “less than” a person.

Introduction

The book talks about where the disease comes from, and talks about parenting that impairs a child from developing into a mature, responsible adult. I know there were some faults in my upbringing, but I guess I just always believed every family was a little different, and that I turned out ok in the end. I love my parents more than ever, and I finally feel like they love me too. Hm. Maybe the word “finally” says something about my childhood. Maybe I am the kid the book describes. The kid who felt like she had to fix her own problems herself, the kid who was told that her emotions weren’t important because of her age, the kid who wasn’t perfect, the kid who got spanked up to age 16 for being stubborn and unruly. Wow. Maybe I have a lot to work on.

I. Got. Dumped.  I thought he was the one, and I invested so much in the relationship that for the past month of trying to be just friends, I have been just miserable.  Miserable to the point of cracking and going to a counselor.  I was embarrassed to admit that I have a master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and yet cannot handle my own emotional crises, and she asked me what did I learn in school about codependence.  And I had to answer, “Absolutely nothing.”  She assigned me the homework of reading a book called Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody, and so I think as I begin to re-work on my emotional health, I’ll commit to this blog to chronicle my journey.  I have a feeling it’s going to get harder before it gets better, but I’ve got to do something.  I think that something is going to involve learning to love myself, and on my own terms and not through the eyes of family, friends, boyfriends, coworkers, blah blah blah.  Wish me luck!

I’ve been recording ALL the nutrition facts for everything I eat for 7 weeks now.  I’ve gone for 2.5 months by average calorie goals, but I know I’ve been eating JUNKY food lately, so I’m going to take a look at all the other stats and see how I measure up and come up with a plan for improving what I eat.  Here are my averages for each week. (Can you tell I’m a number cruncher?)

Week 1.  1125 cal. 60g fat, 156g carb, 62g prot. (100mg chol, 2234mg sodium)

Week 2.  1259 cal. 39g fat, 183g carb, 53 prot. (19g sat fat, 84mg chol, 2062mg sodium)

Week 3.  1561 cal. 44g fat, 239g carb, 66g prot.  (10g sat fat, 100mg chol, 2661mg sodium)

Week 4.  1327 cal. 31g fat, 215g carb, 63g prot. (6g sat fat, 152mg chol, 2029mg sodium)

Week 5.  1437 cal. 52g fat, 202g carb, 64g prot. (13g sat fat, 88mg chol, 2538mg sodium)

Week 6.  1107 cal. 32g fat, 168g carb, 50g prot. (7g sat fat, 70mg chol, 1808mg sodium)

Week 7.  1357 cal. 56g fat, 178g carb, 46g prot. (11g sat fat, 75mg chol, 1885mg sodium)

All but three weeks I’ve stayed between 1200-1500 calories, two weeks too few cals and one week too many.

This nutrition site suggests for a 1200 calorie diet, 135-195g carbs, 27-47g fat, and 60-105g protein.  For a 1500 calorie diet, that changes to 169-244g carbs, 33-58g fat, and 60-131g protein.  It looks like I need to bump down my carbs and fats and try to find things with more protein.  More lean chicken? Beans?  I’ll try it out and see how I do.

Nutrition is a subject that really interests me, but I just seem so horrible at making good choices when there are so many easy and tasty junk food choices within reach!

Just a post to talk about overall health and wellness, what I’m doing, and some ideas about what else I should be doing.

There are five main dimensions of wellness:  Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Social, and Spiritual.  If I were to be graded on these on a report card, it might look something like this.

Physical - Free from disease. Cholesterol and weight are high but showing signs of progress.  Improving in strength, fitness, and endurance.  B

Emotional - No mental illness.  Often experiences trouble coping with feelings and stress. C-

Intellectual - Ability to learn and stay informed.  Actively reviewing math and vocabulary in preparation for another graduate degree. Enjoys puzzles.  A

Social - Very introverted.  Forms few close friendships, but maintains good working relationships with peers.  At times, does not seem approachable or personable.  C

Spiritual - Has an established system of values, but doesn’t always act on them.  No longer participating in an organized spiritual/religious setting.  D

How to bring these up?

Physical would be to keep doing what I’m doing with diet and exercise (another post to follow re: nutrition).  And to remember to take my cholesterol meds every day.

Emotional would be to find better ways to cope with my stress.  More me time.  Maybe meditation of some sort.  Stopping negative thoughts.

Intellectual I think I’m ok on.  Keep reading, studying, learning, and keeping mind sharp.

Social is hard for me because I am such an introvert and I really do value time spent alone.  I have a close set of friends that I see consistently, but maybe I need to branch out and do things with my work friends more often.

Spiritual.  I used to be so good at this aspect.  I am a Christian and have very strong beliefs, but again, I have not been to church in 4 years or so.  I may start small with a personal Bible study, and work my way back into being motivated to give up my Sunday mornings off.

Since March 2, 2009, I have been measuring myself weekly to notice any trends in case the scale doesn’t feel like showing my victory.  I measure Neck (N), Biceps (Bic), Bust (Bu), Chest (Ch), Waist (W), Hips (H), Thigh (T), Calf (Ca), and Ankle (A).

I do this wrong, but I do it this way for consistency.  When I measure my waist, I go around the belly button instead of the narrowest part.

Mar 2.  192.6 lbs.  N 14.5, Bic 12.75, Bu 44.5, Ch 39.5, W 43, H 46.5, T 27, Ca 16, A 9

Mar 9.  189 lbs.  N 14.5, Bic 13, Bu 42.5, Ch 37.5, W 42.5, H 45, T 25, Ca 16.5, A 8.75

Mar 16.  188.2 lbs.  N 14, Bic 12, Bu 41, Ch 37, W 41.5, H 44, T 27, Ca 17, A 9

Mar 23.  185.4 lbs.  N 14.25, Bic 12.5, Bu 41.75, Ch 36.5, W 40, H 45, T 26, C 16, A 9

Mar 30.  182.8 lbs.  N 13.75, Bic 12.75, Bu 41, Ch 35.5, W 40.5, H 43, T 26, C 16, A 9

Apr 6.  179.8 lbs.  N 14, Bic 12, Bu 41.5, Ch 35.25, W 41, H 43.75, T 25, C 15.5, A 9

Apr 13.  179.2 lbs.  Can’t find the stupid measuring tape!  Will buy a new one if I can’t find by the end of the day.

When I am a healthy weight and size, I imagine there are things I will be able to do that I can’t do right now.  It’s also easier to work toward baby step goals instead of one massive towering goal like a number on a scale.  Therefore, I have comprised a list of things that I would like to do when I am smaller and stronger.  It is a work in progress.

• Run a 5k
• Run a 10k
• Feel good in a bathing suit
• Be able to swim 4 laps freestyle
• Be able to swim 1 lap fly
• Consistently wear a size 14
• Consistently wear a size 12
• Consistently wear a size 10
• Be able to shop for clothes in a store that doesn’t sell women’s sizes
• Be able to shop for undergarments at Victoria’s Secret
• Catch someone staring at me in a good way
• Learn to play tennis
• Get a bike
• And ride it regularly
• Go on a 10+ mile hike in the mountains (Mt LeConte, anyone?)
• Learn to ski
• Go running on the beach every day, next vacation
• Complete 100 modified pushups
• Complete 20 full pushups
• Be able to touch toes without feeling like I am breaking