The Secret Life

a behind the scenes look at the consistently inconsistent life of an emotional eater…

Old habits November 12, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise — preciouscharlie @ 9:32 pm

Why is it that at bedtime, I feel the need to take something up with me to snack on? I like to lay in bed and read…usually with a bowl of ice cream or a “kid’s” cereal. I’ve been doing this for several months now and this is the what, 3rd night I am going without? Thinking it’s mind over matter. I don’t really WANT ice cream or cereal…or ANYTHING! I think I just want to hold a bowl/set it on my belly and use a spoon to eat with. So I have a happy medium: TEA! Gonna take my soup mug up to the bed with me just like old times. And instead of Rocky Road or Apple Jacks, it’s Triple Leaf! I can feel good about that tonight and tomorrow as my insides will surely thank me in the AM (Sorry, TMI).

I’ve started eating right (no calorie counting, just AWARENESS) and small workouts (no more than 25 mins at a time) which have been working well for me. I don’t want to do too much too soon as I know that way it’s harder to push through. I am just at the beginning [again] though, so the workouts will intensify in quality AND quantity. For now I am taking it slowly. I don’t feel like having history repeat itself with that “go hard or go home” attitude. Just putting one foot in front of the other is working out just fine for now…

 

So far…so far. May 11, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Random — preciouscharlie @ 6:30 pm

I was going to say so good, but that is not my truth. Though I can be proud of shifting my eating habits and randomly exercising, I know I can do better. It is so hard not to start with the negative self-talk, but I am really working on that. I think I look healthy. I feel better, and my spirits are [mostly] up. I am working on not letting the trials and tribulations of life get to me. Just trying to find my way.

I am on the verge of delving into something I’ve been wanting for quite a while. I fear that I will fall flat on my face. But such is life. If that happens, I will need to get back up and try again…like I have before.

So many times, I’ve been ready to give up. Not just with the weight loss, but on LIFE. I don’t want to DIE though. I want to LIVE. I want to be a participant in this life. I don’t want my limited time here to be wasted…

I have to keep moving forward. Even if I stumble and fall along the way. Just get up and keep GOING. And I am.

I have found myself somewhat STUCK in an unhappy living situation as you may or may not know. I want to get out, but at the same time the timing is so off that when I really start trying, I stop because I convince myself that it’s not wise. Is staying wise? Not necessarily, but it will allow me to do the things I want to do…AND keep my family together….even if it is a farce. Writing those words saddens me. I can own that without stuffing food in my face though. It’s so comforting at the time, then later I suffer. I suppose I’m tired of that cycle.

I have a headache now. I don’t think I’ve had enough water today. My energy level has been quite low on the regular. I have to figure out what’s the cause of that (besides pure laziness). When I go to exercise, it is a struggle to give it my all and all that I do give doesn’t seem to be enough. In the past I was able to go harder, longer. Maybe it has to do with my age and/or hormonal balance. I don’t know. I just need to find the energy that I know is laying dormant somewhere deep within. Maybe I will look into better vitamins. I take a single multi-vitamin daily for now. I am likely lacking something specific though. I know my meals haven’t been quite balanced so that is also likely a factor. For the record, I am just winging it as far as eating. No diet to speak of. Just an awareness of what I am ingesting and how it will affect me whether that be positively or negatively. I have little one as my cheerleader/personal trainer. She stays on me about working out and I only can get a high-five if I complete the exercise. Super cute motivator but again, I need more.

I watched a subpar documentary (therefore getting no plug here from me, lol) about our [American's] obsession with image…weight being the main issue. It wasn’t a great watch, but it did make me take a step back and ask myself “what do you REALLY want?” Because I don’t need to be SKINNY, I don’t need to be a certain SIZE, I don’t even need to be a certain WEIGHT! I do want to slim down and tone up though. But WHY? Because will think I LOOK better and this will make me FEEL better inside. Do I hear a ring of vanity? Maybe.

I just need to have more control is all. And I am not talking about RESTRICTION because I know that is no good. Shoot, isn’t it pizza that was my #1 no-no which started me on my backslide? It’s all about moderation. I’ve known this from jump street, but again old habits…

Speaking of habits, I am learning to create new ones. One which works wonders and prevents me from overeating is having a tall glass of water before my meals. Also the whole “give your body time to realize it’s FULL before you go reaching for more” thing is awesome. Hard to live by, but awesome nonetheless. And also I have been reminding myself when I dine out, “you don’t have to eat everything on your plate just because it’s there!” I have never tried the tip to ask them to bring out a half-portion and box the rest. I guess I have something to prove? I don’t know. And I don’t mind saving food for later. The problem is that the longer we sit, the more time I have to pick at my left-overs. So I’ve been working on that. Once it’s in the box, it STAYS (ahem NEEDS TO stay, lol).

Okay, I am going to rest for a while. The Boy and I have been able to manage peace around the house, so I hope tonight is no exception…

 

Emotional rollercoaster February 3, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Drama — preciouscharlie @ 8:41 pm

So isht finally hit the fan Friday night.

Long story short, I realized how much I actually DO care about a particular person though I may claim otherwise in anger.  I am hurt and saddened and even though all signs point to EXIT (and have for quite some time), I am still wanting to hang on for dear life. Why? Love? Passion? Lust?

Whatever the case, we got the clear to get out of our lease early. That should be a good thing but it certainly doesn’t FEEL good. It is a reality I have wanted on and off, but now that it’s here I don’t know what to do with myself. Sigh… Now I have to deal with the stress of actually MOVING…again (2nd time in what will be 10 months). And though I’m not moving across the country, there will still be an adaption period. Goodness knows, it’s stressful to even THINK about the cost and labor associated with relocating…all after I FIND a place to live!

At this point, I can’t remember the last time I worked out, but I can tell you I ate 3 sausage patties and Belgian Waffle for breakfast on Saturday and tonight I finally let the pizza demons win over my will power. I could have done without the waffle as I felt weighed down after devouring only half of it. The pizza was greasy and filling, but for some reason I feel less guilt. Sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers, black olives, and mushrooms, OH-yeah! I think it has to do with the fact it has been an off limits food for me. I was only able to eat a slice and a half (I usually eat 3-4 slices) though. Also, I had to skip the crust because it the dough was just too rich! I am stuffed now, but I don’t feel HEAVY which is good. I had a Pepsi too and man it was like hitting the crack pipe! Felt soooo good going down!

And now? Now I’m sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing. I think I will watch a little TV and call it a night. Hey, it’s either stuff my face and marinate or sit here crying buckets. I choose the former. I will pull through though.

p.s.

Owning the fact that I didn’t even attempt to make a grocery list or a meal plan. I have to learn to stay FOCUSED no matter what is going on in my world.

Goodnight!

 

Weigh-in! January 28, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Stats, Weight Loss — preciouscharlie @ 10:04 am

The “detox” phase is over. I am down 9lbs and can see a difference in my midsection [only].

I had a slip on day nine which was Saturday as I had 3 (heavy) beers. The silver lining is that I ordered a small spinach salad for my meal! I don’t think I’ve ever ordered a SALAD at a restaurant for dinner. So, score 2 points for me!

Even with the slip, I’ve been 1400 calories or under this whole time. I think I’ve trained my appetite so I should be able to keep this up. It would certainly help if I could get back on track w/ my exercise regimen. A lot has been going on though, so I haven’t been able to get up early and work out. My bed feels just too good to me! :(

Mood: 4

Energy level: 2

WEIGHT: 189 (34 to go!)

 

What’s it gonna be? January 25, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Drama — preciouscharlie @ 9:38 pm

Pizza? Hoagie? Beer? All of the above?

Maybe I should just go to bed.

I am not tired though. It’s Friday night. I am home alone…and bored. The boy left. Out living his life (drinking and playing video games with his “boyfriend”). He took the little one to her cousins’ so I “won’t feel trapped in the house”. Whatever. He knows I have nowhere to go. I AM trapped in the house. That’s not his problem though. It’s mine.

I have the TV. Cable. Netflix.  I have music and books. The cats. I have the computer…and the refrigerator.

There’s nothing in the kitchen that can really get me in trouble. The take-out menus are what’s causing me grief.

Chinese? Stromboli? Broccoli bites? Yum…

You know, I’ve saved about 60 bucks this past week by not ordering or going out to eat. Saved thousands of calories as well! I haven’t even purchased a single A.M. latte! This is all motivation, sure. But sitting alone in this house has me fighting the urge to stuff my face. Why? Why does boredom make me want to eat?

I have 2 sweet potatoes in the oven. They probably have a couple more hours to cook. By then I won’t be “hungry” though. Ever have that feeling where you want everything, yet you don’t want anything? Well that’s what I am going through now. I guess that’s the giveaway to the fact I’m not truly hungry. I am just lonely. And food keeps me company.

I was thinking maybe I should work out. But quite honestly, I don’t feel like it. NEXT!

I bet plenty of moms wish they had a night to themselves like this. But my situation is not all too glamorous. It’s not fun. Especially when I am not really in need of “alone time”. It comes all too often. It’s another reason why I’ve packed on the pounds.

Well not tonight, dammit! I’m not letting my mood get me down…not down to the bottom of a bag of chips at least. No hoagie. No beer. No nothing.

Goodnight.

 

Hanging in there January 23, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Weight Loss — preciouscharlie @ 10:05 pm

Okay, 6 days in and no pizza for me. Yay!  (Only six days? REALLY? Seems like it’s been far longer).

I will be working pizza back into my life later. Now is not the time as I have not yet mastered portion control. I have to remind myself this is temporary.  It will take time. Trust me, I hate the idea of deprivation but soon I will be eating whatever I want. I simply have to train my body to want what it needs and to not overindulge in crap that it doesn’t. Easy, right?

I’ve been doing all right thus far. I got up to 1400 calories yesterday, but that’s okay. None of them came from junk food (I suppose that’s a small fib with the Cool Whip, oops). Exercise has become part of my day but I can’t say I’ve gotten my rhythm yet. I try to do A.M. Tae Bo (55 mins) for cardio and I whipped out my Slim in 6 DVD for P.M. strengthening/toning (level 1, 25 mins). Energy level definitely needs work. I’m trying though.

Cravings are kicking my butt. I need to find solid ways to fight them. I’ve tried drinking water, chewing gum, and good old hand to hand combat. It’s damn hard!  Gotta remember it’s mind over matter and stay focused on the LONG term. “What do you WANT? You’re not going to get it if you don’t push through.”

Speaking of long term, I find myself obsessing in the mirror. I need to quit this as it’s a constant reminder of how far I have to go. I want instant results and it’s just not going to happen. I didn’t gain 40+ lbs in a week, and I’m not going to lose it that fast either. I know this. It’s a simple truth. Why is it so hard to accept?

 

The three S’s January 22, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Random — preciouscharlie @ 7:57 pm

Eat Smaller potions

Eat Slower

No Seconds!

Thanks little Splenda packet :)

 

Day 4 January 21, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Stats — preciouscharlie @ 10:10 pm

Mood: 5

Energy level: 6

(scale= 1-10, 10 is high)

I can do:

Push-ups (knees down): 4

Plank: 10 seconds :(

(These are two exercises I have a love/hate relationship with. Goal is 20 push-ups and 1 minute plank)

 

Oh where oh where has my sunshine gone?

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Random — preciouscharlie @ 9:47 pm

Oh where oh where has my sunshine gone?

It’s so hard to get up earlier than usual to work out!

Now add in the fact that Daylight Savings is still a couple months away…it’s DARK at 5:30 and 6AM! And even when the sun rises, it only brings daylight, not SUNSHINE! These cloudy days are killing me!

Meanwhile, I can’t manage a reasonable bedtime for the life of me. I shoot for 10PM (assuming I am rising at 6). I can still get [barely] sufficient sleep even if I’m out by 11, but factor in preparing for bed and my reading time, sigh…I’d have to go up to my room by 8PM. Not feasible at all. I am not situated after work until about 6 and the 2nd grader goes down at 8:30 so…

One thing I can do to help with my sleep is quit my evening workout. I won’t though. Not til I lose about 25 pounds. Then I’ll be comfortable with “one-a-days”.

Til then, let’s hope for the sun to bust through these clouds and just keep pushing through these dark mornings until March :)

 

Don’t dwell on the negative! January 20, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise — preciouscharlie @ 7:48 pm

Today is Day 3 of the New Me. I am loosely following the Fat Smash Diet, but the first 9 days are key. It’s the “detox phase” where I’m limited to only fruits and veggies, beans, yogurt, egg whites, oats, and a few other things.  30 mins of exercise for 5 days is also a requirement.

Day 1= success. I managed under 1000 calories (I count for me, it’s not a part of the diet plan)

Day 2= success. Same deal.

Funny I could eat single meals totaling upwards of 1500 calories. Here I am eating under 1000 and I am still alive! I am getting a ton of protein and my sugars are [mostly] coming from my fruit intake. I probably drink at least a gallon of water a day and I make a point of drinking a tall glass before each meal.

Day 3= Okay. Minor slip as I had maybe a single BBQ chicken leg. It started off as a bite (still “forbidden”) because it smelled and looked so darn GOOD! I experimented with the slow cooker and the chicken came out WAY better than expected. I let my daughter taste a piece and she raved! She encouraged me to try a bite and I at first declined, but then I didn’t want her to catch me depriving myself. So I took a small piece…which led to another….and yet another. Since I’d already ruined the leg, I just put the rest of it on my dinner plate.

I’m still a little upset and feel somewhat tainted, but I know that I cannot focus on THAT. What I need to focus on is the fact that it’s 7:30 PM and I am around 900 calories. I may still have some strawberries and Cool Whip as a treat which will be a cheat, but it is an exception I make for myself so long as I measure.

The rest of the meal was a large portion of collards and a super-huge sweet potato-the greens only seasoned with a little salt & pepper and vinegar, the potato had nothing added. (Lunch was a mozzarella stick, grapes and 1/2 a banana [again not hungry/making myself eat]; for breakfast 1 cup oats + 1/2 banana–keeps me full for quite a while). All in all good day!

Also, I did 20 mins of Turbo Jam this morning and will be on the elliptical for 20 in a little while (shooting for a 10 PM bedtime). I like to rest on Sundays, but I don’t want to get lazy so I had to do something.

Even though I consumed poultry when I am not “supposed to” I did cook a somewhat Sunday dinner and am happy about that. As long as I own my slip-ups and hold myself accountable I will be okay. Gotta remember not to focus on the negative!

 

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