The Secret Life

a behind the scenes look at the consistently inconsistent life of an emotional eater…

Today I am Fine November 10, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 10:13 pm

I feel good and I am glad.

I ate right [mostly] and did a little exercise. Yay! I feel the new me coming and I look forward to getting to know myself all over again.

For those who have followed me in my personal struggle:

Guess what! I MOVED OUT! Yep, escaped my crappy relationship and am starting over. I’ve been in the new digs for almost a month, and there is still quite a bit to do here as far as unpacking and organizing. But it will get done. I found myself getting angry and/or frustrated because it is such a daunting task. But here’s what I know: It WILL get done. The house will be in order when it’s supposed to be. I cannot rush it or I will stress myself out…not worth it. So I am at peace with it. I do a little every day…and sometimes nothing at all. And that is FINE.

Okay, I am glad to say that I’m in bed now, so I must go. I was going to write more, but I don’t want to keep myself up too late. I am trying to start healthy SLEEP habits as well.

Gonna post my stats and turn in. Night!

 

Closer than I think! November 6, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 9:55 am

So my mom passed on this Joel Osteen book to me about fulfilling my dreams and reaching my goals. While I am not “into Jesus” at all, and I find the God references a tad overwheming, I respect what he is saying and am now on a new quest to merge this new thought process into all aspects of my life.

When I first came back on here to blog, my natural instinct was to start telling you about all of the negativity in my world and set-backs I experienced. But I realized there is no need for that. I am on a quest for spirituality and inner peace! Everything I desire will come to me if I believe it and continue to move FORWARD. Dwelling on the past will not propell me any closer to my dreams…

Ahhhh…relaxing breath of fresh air.

I am excited to once again be a part ot this community and share my jouney. So come along again for this ride and let’s be open to what the universe has in store for us!

 

Kudos to me! June 20, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 1:21 pm

So I have adopted a rule of no deprivation. That can lead to trouble, but today I am proud. I wanted pizza (my vice) and I GOT one! I ordered a small pie with 10 hotwings. I only ate two slices (the equivalent of one regular size slice or less even). The wing dings were TINY! I ate 5, but not because I was counting but becasue I was DONE. So I killed my craving by eating what I wanted and not over-doing it. Now…if I can manage to dump this Pepsi, I’ll be in the money! I have a hard time wasting, so that’s not realistic. I only drank 1/4 the can. Maybe I’ll let it get warm and nasty…then I’ll have no prob dumping it out.

So, I am happy. More than half-way through a crappy day at work and though I craved “bad” foods as a method of sopothing, I didn’t go overboard.

Yay me!

(now, I just have to be sure not to skip my workout this evening)

 

[Insert frowny face here] June 9, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 12:33 pm

Almost a month has passed since my last entry. Nothing has changed…well not for the better at least. I don’t recall the details, but it’s been one thing after another and one doughnut, one bagel, one fish stick after another. Part of the reason is my will power up and abandoned me at some point. So here we have my “roommate ” jam-packing the fridge with junk food and me unable to resist. I asked him politely to stop bringing in bad foods as the whole out of sight out of mind thing works wonders…for BOTH of us. Needless to say, that didn’t go over to well.

So now I sit here having Dunkin Donuts for brunch and trying not to pity myself. It seems that fort every step forward, I take TWO in the opposite direction. This is me in LIFE in general and it’s really got me down at the moment. I am going nowhere fast.

(So much for S.A.L.V.E., lol. It was good while it lasted)

 

It’s working already! April 19, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 11:10 am

Since I started applying my “SALVE” I have been feeling much better. It’s amazing how a shift in thinking can affect you…and so quickly! It may be a placebo type thing, but I think I LOOK better too…or maybe it’s because I am not judging myself and criticizing every aspect of my body when i look in the mirror. I am okay with what I see. I do have goals in mind, sure. But I am HERE. I am alive. I am beautiful…and my cute lovehandles will be sourly missed when they are gone :)

So far this week:

I was able to say no to Pizza at the office on Tuesday (I had been randomly binging on it for the past several weeks). I figured I owe my body a break!

Passed on going out to Chinese last night even though the boy was on my nerves and all I wanted was to stuff my face (I don’t trust myself yet to order healty menu options). I did have a few bites of my daughter’s leftover honey chicken and fried rice when they got home. But I am okay with that because the way I was feeling, I was tempted to order a platter of General Tso’s for myself! The tatse was good for my palette, but it didn’t fee “right”. Progress!

Meanwhile, I have been eating mostly fruits and veggies and my body is thanking me. I’ve started to exercise again, but THAT is super hard because my energy level is still quite low.

I am proud of myself though. I went spinning out if control for a moment there. I think it was too much for me and too soon (focusing so much on diet and exercise). Now, my gears have shifted. I am focusing on managing my stressors in positive ways and learning not to dwell on the negative.

To be continued…

 

S.A.L.V.E. April 16, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 11:39 am

Last night I read an article that briefly touched on self-loathing and how it can trigger fat storage. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but the bottom line was this: If you look in the mirror every day and hate everything you see, you are only making things worse. I suppose that’s common sense, but there was something about the physiology of it (triggering fat storage and such) that got me thinking. Meanwhile there was a study mentioned about how simply having self confidence can help you lose weight (something on the lines of valuing yourself to the point where you dont put certain toxins into your body).

So I am going to try something new. No more negative talk from me. I will focus on accepting who I am and loving me for ME! This weight is not WHO I am. It is a part of me and so be it. It will come off when it does…and if by chance it doesn’t, guess what? I am still beautiful, dammit!

See, applying SALVE (Self-acceptance, love, value, esteem) is working already! Thanks, Martha Beck :)

 

Still around…around…and around April 15, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 2:35 pm

I confess. I have been [acting like] a lost cause lately. Been doing a lot of figuring out…and packing on the pounds all the way.

I have a big trip coming up in August, so I have something to shoot for. I am not usually one for deadlines in this area, but i need some fire up under me arse as feeling sick and/or weighed down has not on the regular has not been much of a motivator.

And I know it sucks I haven’t been blooging…what’s the point of getting a peek into my world if I am not sharing?

Needless to say, there’s been drama. However, I am actually on an “up” of sorts. I have a ton of things in the works. My gears are churning again to make positive changes in my life. I am hoping that the weight loss will fall into the mix some how…it will. I just need to stop being LAZY.

I could tell you the gory details about my shitty diet and lack of exercise, but that will not change the fact that I have been on a unicycle pedaling backwards for the past few months. So I’ll spare you.

I just have to keep telling myself “I can and WILL get through this”.

One day at a time…

One day at a time.

Now let’s try to make those days move in a forward motion :)

 

Checking in… March 16, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 5:49 pm

I’m feeling like I should have titled this post, “checked OUT”.

Sigh…

February was a rough month for me. Ups and downs with The Boy sent me into a downward spiral leading to what seems to be a spin cycle of insanity. Rampant emotions and calories walking hand in hand…a path to nowhere.

I figured if I sat down and calculated how much money I spent last month on eating out and/or junk food, that would help (upwards of $300). Um no. Made me sad. Made me walk my ass right back into the kitchen and submit to all of the BS lingering in my cabinets…which leads me to the realization that I can’t recall the last time I went grocery shopping. The boy has relapsed with his eating habits as well and has been stocking the fridge with “kid” cereals (loaded with sugar), lunch meats, and ice cream. This has pretty much been my diet to date. All that and pizza, pretzels, doughnuts, and bagels which have been on a constant parade through my office. Funny how all of that stuff has been there right at the time when I need the most comfort :/

I miss blogging. I was doing so well…or not. lol! I was at least TRYING though. Now I have all but given up and it saddens me. I want and need to turn this thing around. I haven’t stood on the scale since my last post, so I don’t know how many pounds I am up. Jeans are tighter though and I look and feel heavier. I’ve been out partying a couple times and thought I looked cute…then I saw the pictures. I can’t believe how quickly I start to spin backwards! It never fails to amaze me.

Someone broke into our house the other day. We are all fine. Thank goodness no one was home. With the alarm wailing in the backdrop the thieves didn’t have much time, but they managed to get into my bedroom and took my kid’s cash stash (a little over 200 bucks) which I had recently confiscated from her [for taking it to school] and shoved in my drawer. Sucks because if the money was in her room where she’d had it tucked away, she’d likely still have it (for the record, she knows nothing about the incident, but I still have to replace the cash). That’s all they took, so I can’t really complain…but just knowing that a stranger was rummaging through my bedroom-if only for a minute or two-still skeeves me out :(

The boy does not really fit the protector role, so I have been on my own with this…me and my chocolate…and chips…and soda…and whatever else I can think of.

I went to the mall Thursday to burn some Christmas giftcards to make myself feel better. I walked out with a super cute pair of sneakers, but my self-esteem took a serious blow. Seeing my reflection bouncing off the store windows had me questioning if that was really ME. And in the stores, I thought they were supposed to have “skinny mirrors” and good lighting! These mirrors seemed like those you find in a carnival funhouse, my figure so distorted, it was almost unrecognizable :(

So what now?

Though I am not moping around basking in “woe is me”, I have become quite sedentary. I spend most of my free time marinating in front of the television. I can’t recall the last time I worked out, but I certainly have the desire to. I suppose there “ain’t nothin’ to it but to DO it” but that’s easier said than done.

I see myself fit, fun, and loving life. That girl lives in my head and in my heart. I now have to work harder than ever to make her actually exist and be seen by all. Problem is I am lonely, tired, and borderline miserable. But this couch potato thing is old (it doesn’t take long).

Spring is just around the corner. Maybe nicer weather, blooming flowers, and the return of tweeting birds will encourage me to get out and be active. I know for sure that it will work if I work it [eating right and exercising]…I just have to get motivated again.

 

Need to get back on the wagon… February 12, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 9:44 pm

Life happens.

I

EAT.

THE END

 

Out of [Bleep]in’ control! February 6, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 6:46 pm

Egg rolls. Lo Mein. General Tso’s…

Wontons. White rice. FRIED rice!

Who’s your daddy?!

Okay, so yes I have completely lost my grip (as if I ever had it in the first place).

I started looking for a new place to live and have been feeling rather down about the move. So how else am I supposed to lift my spirits? Wait, did somebody say spirits? I can certainly go for a vodka & cranberry right now! Maybe I will wait til Friday…actually, I WILL wait til Friday. I’m going to need a drink then, I’m sure.  Fridays will be tough for me for a while. It’s the day of the week when all hell broke loose in our household. It will be hard to forget because the boy is off on Fridays, and I get home earlier…and can stay up late. Makes for a long night…

I’ll be okay. Sooner or later. At least I’m not crying, right?

I thought I wanted this. I DO, dammit!  Do I not want it badly enough? I thought I did…

Sheesh! I gotta get it together! I don’t want to keep coming on here confessing my failure. I want to be a motivator, not a downer! Not someone people look at and say, “at least I’m not doing as bad as she is.”