The Secret Life

a behind the scenes look at the consistently inconsistent life of an emotional eater…

Lucky Charms and alcohol June 19, 2013

Filed under: Drama, Random — preciouscharlie @ 5:33 pm

I didn’t even realize I was eating…

Mindlessly shoved a 1/4 lb. of seafood salad into my face…then god only knows how may bowls of Lucky Charms right behind it. All on the tail end of a phone conversation with the Boy.

He’s been gone for almost a week now. I put him out because I was fed up and just TIRED. I wanted to be the one to leave, but it’s more feasible to go. He doesn’t have much as far as personal belongings are concerned. And besides, I have the little one. Speaking of…I now have to make the permanent decision to file for custody…something I’ve dreaded since day one and never acted on. All to keep the peace. Mistake? Probably. And speaking of PEACE, the house has been calm and quiet. Uncorrupt w/o him. I am not even sad. I am OKAY.

Meanwhile, this puts a monkey wrench in my immediate plans. Guess I’ll have to put that all on hold. It will work out in time. I will be fine. I have to be. There is no  other option.

Meanwhile, I am down a pound from a month ago when I somewhat gave up on my healthy habits. I hadn’t been binging or eating loads of take out or anything. But I also wasn’t watching what I ate and I damn sure hadn’t been exercising. So maintaining and ultimately dropping a single pound is something to be happy about.

I have been exercising in recent days. I even finally bought a jumprope though I don’t use it as much as I’d like. I’ve eaten right and tried to get to bed at a decent hour…

And the boy continues to stress me (along with work and life in general). I am trying now to get him to hand over his KEY. That was the source of the argument this evening. It’s been “tomorrow” for almost a week now and I am fed up. I haven’t seen him since he left last week, but he’s been in the house on more than once and that makes me uncomfortable. Simply put, I don’t trust him.

I’ve been fighting the temptation to soothe with alcohol, but I think I will go for it. Sign me up for around 400 calories!

Good friggin’ night!

 

So far…so far. May 11, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Random — preciouscharlie @ 6:30 pm

I was going to say so good, but that is not my truth. Though I can be proud of shifting my eating habits and randomly exercising, I know I can do better. It is so hard not to start with the negative self-talk, but I am really working on that. I think I look healthy. I feel better, and my spirits are [mostly] up. I am working on not letting the trials and tribulations of life get to me. Just trying to find my way.

I am on the verge of delving into something I’ve been wanting for quite a while. I fear that I will fall flat on my face. But such is life. If that happens, I will need to get back up and try again…like I have before.

So many times, I’ve been ready to give up. Not just with the weight loss, but on LIFE. I don’t want to DIE though. I want to LIVE. I want to be a participant in this life. I don’t want my limited time here to be wasted…

I have to keep moving forward. Even if I stumble and fall along the way. Just get up and keep GOING. And I am.

I have found myself somewhat STUCK in an unhappy living situation as you may or may not know. I want to get out, but at the same time the timing is so off that when I really start trying, I stop because I convince myself that it’s not wise. Is staying wise? Not necessarily, but it will allow me to do the things I want to do…AND keep my family together….even if it is a farce. Writing those words saddens me. I can own that without stuffing food in my face though. It’s so comforting at the time, then later I suffer. I suppose I’m tired of that cycle.

I have a headache now. I don’t think I’ve had enough water today. My energy level has been quite low on the regular. I have to figure out what’s the cause of that (besides pure laziness). When I go to exercise, it is a struggle to give it my all and all that I do give doesn’t seem to be enough. In the past I was able to go harder, longer. Maybe it has to do with my age and/or hormonal balance. I don’t know. I just need to find the energy that I know is laying dormant somewhere deep within. Maybe I will look into better vitamins. I take a single multi-vitamin daily for now. I am likely lacking something specific though. I know my meals haven’t been quite balanced so that is also likely a factor. For the record, I am just winging it as far as eating. No diet to speak of. Just an awareness of what I am ingesting and how it will affect me whether that be positively or negatively. I have little one as my cheerleader/personal trainer. She stays on me about working out and I only can get a high-five if I complete the exercise. Super cute motivator but again, I need more.

I watched a subpar documentary (therefore getting no plug here from me, lol) about our [American's] obsession with image…weight being the main issue. It wasn’t a great watch, but it did make me take a step back and ask myself “what do you REALLY want?” Because I don’t need to be SKINNY, I don’t need to be a certain SIZE, I don’t even need to be a certain WEIGHT! I do want to slim down and tone up though. But WHY? Because will think I LOOK better and this will make me FEEL better inside. Do I hear a ring of vanity? Maybe.

I just need to have more control is all. And I am not talking about RESTRICTION because I know that is no good. Shoot, isn’t it pizza that was my #1 no-no which started me on my backslide? It’s all about moderation. I’ve known this from jump street, but again old habits…

Speaking of habits, I am learning to create new ones. One which works wonders and prevents me from overeating is having a tall glass of water before my meals. Also the whole “give your body time to realize it’s FULL before you go reaching for more” thing is awesome. Hard to live by, but awesome nonetheless. And also I have been reminding myself when I dine out, “you don’t have to eat everything on your plate just because it’s there!” I have never tried the tip to ask them to bring out a half-portion and box the rest. I guess I have something to prove? I don’t know. And I don’t mind saving food for later. The problem is that the longer we sit, the more time I have to pick at my left-overs. So I’ve been working on that. Once it’s in the box, it STAYS (ahem NEEDS TO stay, lol).

Okay, I am going to rest for a while. The Boy and I have been able to manage peace around the house, so I hope tonight is no exception…

 

Don’t give up. Don’t give in! April 29, 2013

Filed under: Random — preciouscharlie @ 7:20 pm

Why is it so hard to focus on the positive? I am trying my damndest, but feel like I am somehow falling short. So, one of my besties was in town visiting for the weekend. Though I was shockingly mellow with my alcohol intake, I was rather reckless with my eating. But I did have FUN!

I managed to get a cool workout on Saturday morning. That’s something to be proud of. I don’t know. I guess I am just bothered because I am in a mood and I just got done eating her garbage from Friday which I found in the fridge (chicken parm and spaghetti). After scarfing that down for no reason whatsoever, I am just trying to remember that I was rather active this weekend and I only ate at mealtime (VERY hefty portions)…I’ve convinced myself that it’s not enough.

I think I am just wanting it ALL and yesterday again. And I KNOW that’s not how it works. Patience and perseverance.  I’ll get through.

Meanwhile, I got an email from my former kickboxing coach. She’s building a team for Muckfest. I so want to do it, but I am afraid I won’t be able to cut it…or I WILL, but I’ll be the laughing stock. I won’t know if I don’t try, but me and fear walk hand in hand. Not cool.

I was supposed to go visit an apartment today (man it’s Monday, I am really thrown off since I took a day off work)…but anyway, the Boy convinced me it would be a waste of time because I am not going anywhere. Unfortunately, he’s right. I probably SHOULD move, but realistically, it’s not what I feel like doing right now. Besides, having my girlfriend here mad me see my faux relationship in a new light…not a GOOD one necessarily, just different. Things CAN be ok…if we CHOOSE them to be.

So, what’s it gonna be? I don’t know. What I do know is, I have to stop raiding the fridge when I am bored. It was easier before gf came, because the fridge was free of all the bad stuff. I finished off her chips and dip earlier today, so I think everything is gone. Gotta get back on the ball with cooking. I have this thing about cooking for people that don’t live with me. So when I have company, I always order out. I have to fix that. Or somehow be okay with them eating CRAP in my face while I eat something I’ve prepared for myself. We’ll see.

Well, it’s about that time. I soooo don’t feel like work tomorrow. Maybe I’ll call out. But that won’t solve anything. Also, days off w/o plans go super quickly. So I will not waste another day. I need to get my energy level up.  Oh shoot, forgot to mention my cheap-ass elliptical machine gave out on me. Pissed because it was something I used while I was in front of the TV. I don’t feel like investing in another. I have to find another cool calorie-burner that I can do while being a bum at the same time J

 

Slippin’ and a slidin’! January 31, 2013

Filed under: Drama, Random — preciouscharlie @ 10:04 pm

That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing this past week. Tonight I had last night’s leftover Chinese. I don’t know why I even bought it in the first place. Yes I do. Because I couldn’t deal. Going in circles with the boy again. I know I need to leave. I’ve been apartment hunting, but not seriously enough for it to work. And then he always tries to play nice when he realizes that I am moving on. I know I CAN leave. I’ve done it before just like I’ve lost the weight before…come to think of it, I believe I lost the weight (via proper diet and exercise) shortly after I LEFT him the first time. Maybe that’s what it’s going to take to keep me on point. I don’t know.

What I do know is the next time I step on that scale (probably in about a week) I want to see my digits down by at least 5. I know that I want to be able to button these jeans [which I wore today] the next time I put them on!

I know that blogging helps keep me on task.

I know I’m not ready to give up!

How do I get back to my exercise regimen? I was doing so well and then just like that…stopped. I rationalize by saying that I am letting muscles relax before I go hard again…but it’s been seven days! I MUST get back on the wagon or I am not going to make my goal. Not any time this year at least.

So now what?

I’m not going to say I’ll get up early and get ‘er done. Sheesh, I am already dreading trudging through work tomorrow (like my positive attitude, don’t you). I can’t even begin to THINK about getting up an hour early to exercise. Sigh…such a disappointment.

Why do I let LIFE get to me?

At this moment, I can commit to writing out my meals for the next few days. Maybe I’ll even grab some groceries on the way home. I was doing so well when I was cooking. But my recent sadness made me lazy and dinner the past few nights has been Apple Jacks or Honey Smacks…yep.

Writing it all out helps me OWN it. I see these words and I am like, “really?” I’m thinking about all the meals I’ve prepared the past couple weeks. I’m thinking of how good it feels to FINISH a workout. Thinking of how AWFUL it feels when I am to the bottom of a carton of Hunan Chicken…

I can do this. I know I can. I often wonder if that is part of the reason I am NOT doing it…because I know I can and will when I am ready. Well I’m ready NOW dammit. My heart is. My head isn’t quite with me though because it’s just too darn cloudy. I need to just be and let be and in the meantime, do ME!

I’m baaaaaaaaack!

:)

(aaaand scene!)

 

Trying to find a pattern January 23, 2013

Filed under: Drama, Random — preciouscharlie @ 4:20 pm

Don’t call me at WORK asking me “stupid” questions! I’m tired and ready to go home! (yes, the boy is at it again)

Now, after that somewhat frustrating phone call I have resolved not to give him my joy (thanks Joel Osteen). But still I sit here fiending for a friggin Hershey bar (w/ almonds)! This is my “hands off, don’t touch” sweet treat I keep in the fridge and in my desk at work. Luckily I dont have one [the GIANT/7oz.] at the moment or I’d certainly be stuffing my face!

So I let everything bother me and the answer is always food. Then the FOOD itself bothers me. Viscious cycle…

 

Cravings

Filed under: Random — preciouscharlie @ 1:29 pm

I think I may have to cave. This pizza thing is really eating at me. Feeling a tad miserable today (skipped my AM workout so I could sleep as long as possible). I guess it’s just my go-to comfort food. Doesn’t help that it’s a certain time of the month (sorry if that’s TMI). And I don’t want a “healthy” pizza! I want two slices loaded with grease and cheese! No veggies. No wheat.

 

The three S’s January 22, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Random — preciouscharlie @ 7:57 pm

Eat Smaller potions

Eat Slower

No Seconds!

Thanks little Splenda packet :)

 

Oh where oh where has my sunshine gone? January 21, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Random — preciouscharlie @ 9:47 pm

Oh where oh where has my sunshine gone?

It’s so hard to get up earlier than usual to work out!

Now add in the fact that Daylight Savings is still a couple months away…it’s DARK at 5:30 and 6AM! And even when the sun rises, it only brings daylight, not SUNSHINE! These cloudy days are killing me!

Meanwhile, I can’t manage a reasonable bedtime for the life of me. I shoot for 10PM (assuming I am rising at 6). I can still get [barely] sufficient sleep even if I’m out by 11, but factor in preparing for bed and my reading time, sigh…I’d have to go up to my room by 8PM. Not feasible at all. I am not situated after work until about 6 and the 2nd grader goes down at 8:30 so…

One thing I can do to help with my sleep is quit my evening workout. I won’t though. Not til I lose about 25 pounds. Then I’ll be comfortable with “one-a-days”.

Til then, let’s hope for the sun to bust through these clouds and just keep pushing through these dark mornings until March :)

 

Dangerously bored January 19, 2013

Filed under: Random — preciouscharlie @ 2:12 pm

It’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I am sitting in the house on the computer. I want to go out and DO things, but my energy level is still quite low. I worked out when I got up [late] this morning, so that’s a plus. But the next thing you know, it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon and I am marinating on the couch!

I’d like to be on a nice winter hike somewhere…or painting in an art class…or better yet, fine dining at a good ole American buffet!

:(