The Secret Life

a behind the scenes look at the consistently inconsistent life of an emotional eater…

Lucky Charms and alcohol June 19, 2013

Filed under: Drama, Random — preciouscharlie @ 5:33 pm

I didn’t even realize I was eating…

Mindlessly shoved a 1/4 lb. of seafood salad into my face…then god only knows how may bowls of Lucky Charms right behind it. All on the tail end of a phone conversation with the Boy.

He’s been gone for almost a week now. I put him out because I was fed up and just TIRED. I wanted to be the one to leave, but it’s more feasible to go. He doesn’t have much as far as personal belongings are concerned. And besides, I have the little one. Speaking of…I now have to make the permanent decision to file for custody…something I’ve dreaded since day one and never acted on. All to keep the peace. Mistake? Probably. And speaking of PEACE, the house has been calm and quiet. Uncorrupt w/o him. I am not even sad. I am OKAY.

Meanwhile, this puts a monkey wrench in my immediate plans. Guess I’ll have to put that all on hold. It will work out in time. I will be fine. I have to be. There is no  other option.

Meanwhile, I am down a pound from a month ago when I somewhat gave up on my healthy habits. I hadn’t been binging or eating loads of take out or anything. But I also wasn’t watching what I ate and I damn sure hadn’t been exercising. So maintaining and ultimately dropping a single pound is something to be happy about.

I have been exercising in recent days. I even finally bought a jumprope though I don’t use it as much as I’d like. I’ve eaten right and tried to get to bed at a decent hour…

And the boy continues to stress me (along with work and life in general). I am trying now to get him to hand over his KEY. That was the source of the argument this evening. It’s been “tomorrow” for almost a week now and I am fed up. I haven’t seen him since he left last week, but he’s been in the house on more than once and that makes me uncomfortable. Simply put, I don’t trust him.

I’ve been fighting the temptation to soothe with alcohol, but I think I will go for it. Sign me up for around 400 calories!

Good friggin’ night!

 

Having a moment April 25, 2013

Filed under: Drama — preciouscharlie @ 7:38 pm

…and this too shall pass.

Just trying not to overdo it. Already had a (mighty delicious) Tom Kah soup from the Thai place. This was a result of me being frustrated because it was almost 7PM and the boy was not home with the 2nd grader yet. I was out doing errands…after work, mind you. He was off today. We are hav…ahem *I* am having company tomorrow; my girlfriend is coming up from GA for a visit. The house is a wreck (really it’s not that bad compared to how it COULD look. The boy clogs the tub daily with his hair and never scrubs it. So that’s pretty gross. Then the kitchen needs to be mopped because he likes to spill things and not get it up. Things like that don’t bother him. Besides, he knows I will eventually get tired [of whatever it may be] and cave and clean up behind him.

Speaking of tired, I am exhausted. Physically and mentally. Trying to figure out what my next move is going to be. I took a break from thinking for a while chanting “when you don’t know what to do, do NOTHING.” Okay that was a bust. Doing nothing had got me where I am now. I don’t know. I suppose I convinced myself that me and the boy would work it out and things would be fine. We are civil. We don’t fight. We simply don’t like eachother and that is not how things are supposed to be.

So here I sit. Typing this to stay out of the kitchen. I don’t really want anything. I’m actually full. I just know my patterns and old habits are hard to break. The boy is on the opposite end of the couch snoring away. I guess he didn’t get enough sleep today (note: he’s been asleep all day). The 2nd grader is in the shower. She has a project due on Monday. I have been helping her when I can (between 6 and 8:30 PM after I get out of work, cook dinner, and tend to the house [skipping over the boy's messes of course]). I am a single mom. A single mom with a live-in “babydaddy”…and he’ll turn around and tell me how great of a woman I am and he wants to marry me. Whatevs dude!  For the record, I don’t want to get married…to anyone. He’s just all talk though is my point.

I have homework to do. I should be doing it now. But I am too busy trying to manage my stress level. Little one’s bedtime is 8:30PM. She’s been getting to bed closer to 9:30 this week because I have been trying to help her with her project. Meanwhile *I* get no help…with ANYTHING. I was on my own with her for what, 5+ years? I can do that. I can be alone. But when you move in with someone…correction: I moved in with someone thinking this would be a partnership of sorts. No such luck. He just goes to work, sleeps and eats. He barely pays his share of the bills and does absolutely nothing around the house. I can’t believe I was so close to moving out, but stayed. There is a time when you have to stop thinking with your heart and say eff it and use you HEAD. I KNOW this “relationship” is unhealthy. I know what needs to happen. I just have to DO it.

Our lease is officially up at the end of May. We had at some point decided to move to a more affordable place (yes, together..I know, I KNOW). Nothing panned thus far and that is likely a blessing. But see, I work full time and have been talking about quitting my job so I can go to school full time…and also be here when little one gets home. I miss her.  She’s a pain in my rump, but it sucks not being able to spend time with her except for on the weekends…and I am TIRED on the weekends! All I want to do is rest.

So how am I going to manage to NOT work AND support myself and my child? Welcome to the real world, huh? I am unhappy with my job and want to get the heck out of there. They won’t consider me for part time, because that would simply be too awesome. I am not cut out for “the grind”. I do it because like so many of us, I have to so we can maintain our lifestyle. If I quit, I would be relying on the boy to take care of everything…and he hasn’t given me any real indication that he is capable of that…

Okay, RANT:OFF

I am hearing myself as I write this and I want to slap myself silly! I put myself into this situation though. So I’m thinking part of me is like it HAS TO work. But my goodness, it’s NOT!

Meanwhile, I am delighted to say that I feel a little stronger now. I am so glad I decided to come on here and blog instead of raiding the kitchen! My body has been infected with enough toxins for the night already. I won’t submit it to further torture. I won’t be fair to ME if I go in the kitchen and sabotage all of the hard work I’ve been doing (it’s only been a week, but still ).

I have to go tuck little one in now…

Thanks for “listening” :)

 

Emotional rollercoaster February 3, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Drama — preciouscharlie @ 8:41 pm

So isht finally hit the fan Friday night.

Long story short, I realized how much I actually DO care about a particular person though I may claim otherwise in anger.  I am hurt and saddened and even though all signs point to EXIT (and have for quite some time), I am still wanting to hang on for dear life. Why? Love? Passion? Lust?

Whatever the case, we got the clear to get out of our lease early. That should be a good thing but it certainly doesn’t FEEL good. It is a reality I have wanted on and off, but now that it’s here I don’t know what to do with myself. Sigh… Now I have to deal with the stress of actually MOVING…again (2nd time in what will be 10 months). And though I’m not moving across the country, there will still be an adaption period. Goodness knows, it’s stressful to even THINK about the cost and labor associated with relocating…all after I FIND a place to live!

At this point, I can’t remember the last time I worked out, but I can tell you I ate 3 sausage patties and Belgian Waffle for breakfast on Saturday and tonight I finally let the pizza demons win over my will power. I could have done without the waffle as I felt weighed down after devouring only half of it. The pizza was greasy and filling, but for some reason I feel less guilt. Sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers, black olives, and mushrooms, OH-yeah! I think it has to do with the fact it has been an off limits food for me. I was only able to eat a slice and a half (I usually eat 3-4 slices) though. Also, I had to skip the crust because it the dough was just too rich! I am stuffed now, but I don’t feel HEAVY which is good. I had a Pepsi too and man it was like hitting the crack pipe! Felt soooo good going down!

And now? Now I’m sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing. I think I will watch a little TV and call it a night. Hey, it’s either stuff my face and marinate or sit here crying buckets. I choose the former. I will pull through though.

p.s.

Owning the fact that I didn’t even attempt to make a grocery list or a meal plan. I have to learn to stay FOCUSED no matter what is going on in my world.

Goodnight!

 

Slippin’ and a slidin’! January 31, 2013

Filed under: Drama, Random — preciouscharlie @ 10:04 pm

That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing this past week. Tonight I had last night’s leftover Chinese. I don’t know why I even bought it in the first place. Yes I do. Because I couldn’t deal. Going in circles with the boy again. I know I need to leave. I’ve been apartment hunting, but not seriously enough for it to work. And then he always tries to play nice when he realizes that I am moving on. I know I CAN leave. I’ve done it before just like I’ve lost the weight before…come to think of it, I believe I lost the weight (via proper diet and exercise) shortly after I LEFT him the first time. Maybe that’s what it’s going to take to keep me on point. I don’t know.

What I do know is the next time I step on that scale (probably in about a week) I want to see my digits down by at least 5. I know that I want to be able to button these jeans [which I wore today] the next time I put them on!

I know that blogging helps keep me on task.

I know I’m not ready to give up!

How do I get back to my exercise regimen? I was doing so well and then just like that…stopped. I rationalize by saying that I am letting muscles relax before I go hard again…but it’s been seven days! I MUST get back on the wagon or I am not going to make my goal. Not any time this year at least.

So now what?

I’m not going to say I’ll get up early and get ‘er done. Sheesh, I am already dreading trudging through work tomorrow (like my positive attitude, don’t you). I can’t even begin to THINK about getting up an hour early to exercise. Sigh…such a disappointment.

Why do I let LIFE get to me?

At this moment, I can commit to writing out my meals for the next few days. Maybe I’ll even grab some groceries on the way home. I was doing so well when I was cooking. But my recent sadness made me lazy and dinner the past few nights has been Apple Jacks or Honey Smacks…yep.

Writing it all out helps me OWN it. I see these words and I am like, “really?” I’m thinking about all the meals I’ve prepared the past couple weeks. I’m thinking of how good it feels to FINISH a workout. Thinking of how AWFUL it feels when I am to the bottom of a carton of Hunan Chicken…

I can do this. I know I can. I often wonder if that is part of the reason I am NOT doing it…because I know I can and will when I am ready. Well I’m ready NOW dammit. My heart is. My head isn’t quite with me though because it’s just too darn cloudy. I need to just be and let be and in the meantime, do ME!

I’m baaaaaaaaack!

:)

(aaaand scene!)

 

What’s it gonna be? January 25, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Drama — preciouscharlie @ 9:38 pm

Pizza? Hoagie? Beer? All of the above?

Maybe I should just go to bed.

I am not tired though. It’s Friday night. I am home alone…and bored. The boy left. Out living his life (drinking and playing video games with his “boyfriend”). He took the little one to her cousins’ so I “won’t feel trapped in the house”. Whatever. He knows I have nowhere to go. I AM trapped in the house. That’s not his problem though. It’s mine.

I have the TV. Cable. Netflix.  I have music and books. The cats. I have the computer…and the refrigerator.

There’s nothing in the kitchen that can really get me in trouble. The take-out menus are what’s causing me grief.

Chinese? Stromboli? Broccoli bites? Yum…

You know, I’ve saved about 60 bucks this past week by not ordering or going out to eat. Saved thousands of calories as well! I haven’t even purchased a single A.M. latte! This is all motivation, sure. But sitting alone in this house has me fighting the urge to stuff my face. Why? Why does boredom make me want to eat?

I have 2 sweet potatoes in the oven. They probably have a couple more hours to cook. By then I won’t be “hungry” though. Ever have that feeling where you want everything, yet you don’t want anything? Well that’s what I am going through now. I guess that’s the giveaway to the fact I’m not truly hungry. I am just lonely. And food keeps me company.

I was thinking maybe I should work out. But quite honestly, I don’t feel like it. NEXT!

I bet plenty of moms wish they had a night to themselves like this. But my situation is not all too glamorous. It’s not fun. Especially when I am not really in need of “alone time”. It comes all too often. It’s another reason why I’ve packed on the pounds.

Well not tonight, dammit! I’m not letting my mood get me down…not down to the bottom of a bag of chips at least. No hoagie. No beer. No nothing.

Goodnight.

 

Trying to find a pattern January 23, 2013

Filed under: Drama, Random — preciouscharlie @ 4:20 pm

Don’t call me at WORK asking me “stupid” questions! I’m tired and ready to go home! (yes, the boy is at it again)

Now, after that somewhat frustrating phone call I have resolved not to give him my joy (thanks Joel Osteen). But still I sit here fiending for a friggin Hershey bar (w/ almonds)! This is my “hands off, don’t touch” sweet treat I keep in the fridge and in my desk at work. Luckily I dont have one [the GIANT/7oz.] at the moment or I’d certainly be stuffing my face!

So I let everything bother me and the answer is always food. Then the FOOD itself bothers me. Viscious cycle…

 

Just say no! January 22, 2013

Filed under: Drama — preciouscharlie @ 7:43 pm

Energy practically non-existent for my A.M. workout.

Dragged my feet through a long boring day at work.  Couldn’t wait to get home and rest.

Almost got smacked by a police officer recklessly driving on the way home. Yes, he may have been rushing to an emergency, but he came out of nowhere! No siren…lights on only AFTER he almost ran us off the road!

Decided to stop for a pizza on the way in, but I actually FORGOT, lol! Score one for me!

Got home to a clean kitchen. Yay! The boy actually cleaned up his mess that’s been there for days. Thanks!

Went to retreat in the living room…great, cat vomit on the SOFA!

Before I can even take care of that, I’ve got the 2nd grader acting grown again. I ask her to do something and she tells me what she’s going to do instead. Had to hurt her feelings (took away her DS and Wii for the rest of the week, no biggie)…which in turn hurt MY feelings because we don’t see each other all day and here’s what we have to go through soon as we get home?

Started dinner (spinach and cheese raviolis for her, leftover rice & beans and kale for myself).

Got the vomit up.

Checked homework.

Rinse. Repeat.

So, nothing major. Just a pretty annoying evening. All I want is to relax with an ice cold brew. Problem is I don’t want the empty calories. And goodness knows I have no interest in a light IPA! So for now, I’ll just say NO and mellow out with a cup of herbal tea.

I think I’ll make my 10PM bed time tonight…

 

Yard work January 19, 2013

Filed under: Drama — preciouscharlie @ 10:55 pm

So I took some advice to go out and do something small.

My intent was to get up the residual leaves from out front which have been bugging me for quite some time. I accomplished that mission all too quickly and decided to do the entire pine cone & vine crusted lawn! Great, right? Fresh air. Moving my body.

Then he* came home…from the gym no less (this guy is trying to lose 60 lbs, but continues to bring JUNK food into the house).

All was fine until I opened my big mouth and asked for a hand (I was at peace working alone, but I could really use some help). He said okay. Changed his clothes and came out to assist. By then I had about 20 small piles which needed to be bagged. So when he asked me what I wanted him to do, I said to bag the piles. He suggested he hold the bags while I load them and I reluctantly complied. Then, midway through the first bag he says, “Why don’t we just put in all in the trash cans?”

Does anybody actually do that? Maybe. Personally, I think it’s rude to the garbage collectors…and besides there’s an ordinance in our township that all leaves and shrubbery must be bagged. When I tell him this, he insists it will take too long and he’ll have no part in it. So without argument, I continue doing things MY way and he goes back into the house.

I scanned the yard, absorbing the mess I’d created and felt absolutely defeated. But nonetheless, I was determined to get the job done with or without his help.

Bagging was a tiresome and annoying task. I was plowing through until the sun started to set and it got colder out.  Very soon, I was unable to see, so I chose to call it quits. FAIL!

A sudden urge to order a pizza came over me. Nothing like grease and cheese to fix hurt feelings and defeat, right? WRONG!

Reminding myself I am only on day 2 and I can’t cave this soon, I went back into the house, showered, and prepared a proper meal: Red beans, brown rice, and kale w/ a side of awesome sauce!

At this moment, I feel very proud of myself for fighting temptation. It won’t be long before the next round, so I need to mentally gear up. Game ON!

*HE is my roommate aka my daughter’s father (short story). Needless to say, our so-called relationship needs major work.