Having a moment April 25, 2013
…and this too shall pass.
Just trying not to overdo it. Already had a (mighty delicious) Tom Kah soup from the Thai place. This was a result of me being frustrated because it was almost 7PM and the boy was not home with the 2nd grader yet. I was out doing errands…after work, mind you. He was off today. We are hav…ahem *I* am having company tomorrow; my girlfriend is coming up from GA for a visit. The house is a wreck (really it’s not that bad compared to how it COULD look. The boy clogs the tub daily with his hair and never scrubs it. So that’s pretty gross. Then the kitchen needs to be mopped because he likes to spill things and not get it up. Things like that don’t bother him. Besides, he knows I will eventually get tired [of whatever it may be] and cave and clean up behind him.
Speaking of tired, I am exhausted. Physically and mentally. Trying to figure out what my next move is going to be. I took a break from thinking for a while chanting “when you don’t know what to do, do NOTHING.” Okay that was a bust. Doing nothing had got me where I am now. I don’t know. I suppose I convinced myself that me and the boy would work it out and things would be fine. We are civil. We don’t fight. We simply don’t like eachother and that is not how things are supposed to be.
So here I sit. Typing this to stay out of the kitchen. I don’t really want anything. I’m actually full. I just know my patterns and old habits are hard to break. The boy is on the opposite end of the couch snoring away. I guess he didn’t get enough sleep today (note: he’s been asleep all day). The 2nd grader is in the shower. She has a project due on Monday. I have been helping her when I can (between 6 and 8:30 PM after I get out of work, cook dinner, and tend to the house [skipping over the boy's messes of course]). I am a single mom. A single mom with a live-in “babydaddy”…and he’ll turn around and tell me how great of a woman I am and he wants to marry me. Whatevs dude! For the record, I don’t want to get married…to anyone. He’s just all talk though is my point.
I have homework to do. I should be doing it now. But I am too busy trying to manage my stress level. Little one’s bedtime is 8:30PM. She’s been getting to bed closer to 9:30 this week because I have been trying to help her with her project. Meanwhile *I* get no help…with ANYTHING. I was on my own with her for what, 5+ years? I can do that. I can be alone. But when you move in with someone…correction: I moved in with someone thinking this would be a partnership of sorts. No such luck. He just goes to work, sleeps and eats. He barely pays his share of the bills and does absolutely nothing around the house. I can’t believe I was so close to moving out, but stayed. There is a time when you have to stop thinking with your heart and say eff it and use you HEAD. I KNOW this “relationship” is unhealthy. I know what needs to happen. I just have to DO it.
Our lease is officially up at the end of May. We had at some point decided to move to a more affordable place (yes, together..I know, I KNOW). Nothing panned thus far and that is likely a blessing. But see, I work full time and have been talking about quitting my job so I can go to school full time…and also be here when little one gets home. I miss her. She’s a pain in my rump, but it sucks not being able to spend time with her except for on the weekends…and I am TIRED on the weekends! All I want to do is rest.
So how am I going to manage to NOT work AND support myself and my child? Welcome to the real world, huh? I am unhappy with my job and want to get the heck out of there. They won’t consider me for part time, because that would simply be too awesome. I am not cut out for “the grind”. I do it because like so many of us, I have to so we can maintain our lifestyle. If I quit, I would be relying on the boy to take care of everything…and he hasn’t given me any real indication that he is capable of that…
I am hearing myself as I write this and I want to slap myself silly! I put myself into this situation though. So I’m thinking part of me is like it HAS TO work. But my goodness, it’s NOT!
Meanwhile, I am delighted to say that I feel a little stronger now. I am so glad I decided to come on here and blog instead of raiding the kitchen! My body has been infected with enough toxins for the night already. I won’t submit it to further torture. I won’t be fair to ME if I go in the kitchen and sabotage all of the hard work I’ve been doing (it’s only been a week, but still ).
I have to go tuck little one in now…
Thanks for “listening”