The Secret Life

a behind the scenes look at the consistently inconsistent life of an emotional eater…

Don’t give up. Don’t give in! April 29, 2013

Filed under: Random — preciouscharlie @ 7:20 pm

Why is it so hard to focus on the positive? I am trying my damndest, but feel like I am somehow falling short. So, one of my besties was in town visiting for the weekend. Though I was shockingly mellow with my alcohol intake, I was rather reckless with my eating. But I did have FUN!

I managed to get a cool workout on Saturday morning. That’s something to be proud of. I don’t know. I guess I am just bothered because I am in a mood and I just got done eating her garbage from Friday which I found in the fridge (chicken parm and spaghetti). After scarfing that down for no reason whatsoever, I am just trying to remember that I was rather active this weekend and I only ate at mealtime (VERY hefty portions)…I’ve convinced myself that it’s not enough.

I think I am just wanting it ALL and yesterday again. And I KNOW that’s not how it works. Patience and perseverance.  I’ll get through.

Meanwhile, I got an email from my former kickboxing coach. She’s building a team for Muckfest. I so want to do it, but I am afraid I won’t be able to cut it…or I WILL, but I’ll be the laughing stock. I won’t know if I don’t try, but me and fear walk hand in hand. Not cool.

I was supposed to go visit an apartment today (man it’s Monday, I am really thrown off since I took a day off work)…but anyway, the Boy convinced me it would be a waste of time because I am not going anywhere. Unfortunately, he’s right. I probably SHOULD move, but realistically, it’s not what I feel like doing right now. Besides, having my girlfriend here mad me see my faux relationship in a new light…not a GOOD one necessarily, just different. Things CAN be ok…if we CHOOSE them to be.

So, what’s it gonna be? I don’t know. What I do know is, I have to stop raiding the fridge when I am bored. It was easier before gf came, because the fridge was free of all the bad stuff. I finished off her chips and dip earlier today, so I think everything is gone. Gotta get back on the ball with cooking. I have this thing about cooking for people that don’t live with me. So when I have company, I always order out. I have to fix that. Or somehow be okay with them eating CRAP in my face while I eat something I’ve prepared for myself. We’ll see.

Well, it’s about that time. I soooo don’t feel like work tomorrow. Maybe I’ll call out. But that won’t solve anything. Also, days off w/o plans go super quickly. So I will not waste another day. I need to get my energy level up.  Oh shoot, forgot to mention my cheap-ass elliptical machine gave out on me. Pissed because it was something I used while I was in front of the TV. I don’t feel like investing in another. I have to find another cool calorie-burner that I can do while being a bum at the same time J

 

Having a moment April 25, 2013

Filed under: Drama — preciouscharlie @ 7:38 pm

…and this too shall pass.

Just trying not to overdo it. Already had a (mighty delicious) Tom Kah soup from the Thai place. This was a result of me being frustrated because it was almost 7PM and the boy was not home with the 2nd grader yet. I was out doing errands…after work, mind you. He was off today. We are hav…ahem *I* am having company tomorrow; my girlfriend is coming up from GA for a visit. The house is a wreck (really it’s not that bad compared to how it COULD look. The boy clogs the tub daily with his hair and never scrubs it. So that’s pretty gross. Then the kitchen needs to be mopped because he likes to spill things and not get it up. Things like that don’t bother him. Besides, he knows I will eventually get tired [of whatever it may be] and cave and clean up behind him.

Speaking of tired, I am exhausted. Physically and mentally. Trying to figure out what my next move is going to be. I took a break from thinking for a while chanting “when you don’t know what to do, do NOTHING.” Okay that was a bust. Doing nothing had got me where I am now. I don’t know. I suppose I convinced myself that me and the boy would work it out and things would be fine. We are civil. We don’t fight. We simply don’t like eachother and that is not how things are supposed to be.

So here I sit. Typing this to stay out of the kitchen. I don’t really want anything. I’m actually full. I just know my patterns and old habits are hard to break. The boy is on the opposite end of the couch snoring away. I guess he didn’t get enough sleep today (note: he’s been asleep all day). The 2nd grader is in the shower. She has a project due on Monday. I have been helping her when I can (between 6 and 8:30 PM after I get out of work, cook dinner, and tend to the house [skipping over the boy's messes of course]). I am a single mom. A single mom with a live-in “babydaddy”…and he’ll turn around and tell me how great of a woman I am and he wants to marry me. Whatevs dude!  For the record, I don’t want to get married…to anyone. He’s just all talk though is my point.

I have homework to do. I should be doing it now. But I am too busy trying to manage my stress level. Little one’s bedtime is 8:30PM. She’s been getting to bed closer to 9:30 this week because I have been trying to help her with her project. Meanwhile *I* get no help…with ANYTHING. I was on my own with her for what, 5+ years? I can do that. I can be alone. But when you move in with someone…correction: I moved in with someone thinking this would be a partnership of sorts. No such luck. He just goes to work, sleeps and eats. He barely pays his share of the bills and does absolutely nothing around the house. I can’t believe I was so close to moving out, but stayed. There is a time when you have to stop thinking with your heart and say eff it and use you HEAD. I KNOW this “relationship” is unhealthy. I know what needs to happen. I just have to DO it.

Our lease is officially up at the end of May. We had at some point decided to move to a more affordable place (yes, together..I know, I KNOW). Nothing panned thus far and that is likely a blessing. But see, I work full time and have been talking about quitting my job so I can go to school full time…and also be here when little one gets home. I miss her.  She’s a pain in my rump, but it sucks not being able to spend time with her except for on the weekends…and I am TIRED on the weekends! All I want to do is rest.

So how am I going to manage to NOT work AND support myself and my child? Welcome to the real world, huh? I am unhappy with my job and want to get the heck out of there. They won’t consider me for part time, because that would simply be too awesome. I am not cut out for “the grind”. I do it because like so many of us, I have to so we can maintain our lifestyle. If I quit, I would be relying on the boy to take care of everything…and he hasn’t given me any real indication that he is capable of that…

Okay, RANT:OFF

I am hearing myself as I write this and I want to slap myself silly! I put myself into this situation though. So I’m thinking part of me is like it HAS TO work. But my goodness, it’s NOT!

Meanwhile, I am delighted to say that I feel a little stronger now. I am so glad I decided to come on here and blog instead of raiding the kitchen! My body has been infected with enough toxins for the night already. I won’t submit it to further torture. I won’t be fair to ME if I go in the kitchen and sabotage all of the hard work I’ve been doing (it’s only been a week, but still ).

I have to go tuck little one in now…

Thanks for “listening” :)

 

It’s working already! April 19, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 11:10 am

Since I started applying my “SALVE” I have been feeling much better. It’s amazing how a shift in thinking can affect you…and so quickly! It may be a placebo type thing, but I think I LOOK better too…or maybe it’s because I am not judging myself and criticizing every aspect of my body when i look in the mirror. I am okay with what I see. I do have goals in mind, sure. But I am HERE. I am alive. I am beautiful…and my cute lovehandles will be sourly missed when they are gone :)

So far this week:

I was able to say no to Pizza at the office on Tuesday (I had been randomly binging on it for the past several weeks). I figured I owe my body a break!

Passed on going out to Chinese last night even though the boy was on my nerves and all I wanted was to stuff my face (I don’t trust myself yet to order healty menu options). I did have a few bites of my daughter’s leftover honey chicken and fried rice when they got home. But I am okay with that because the way I was feeling, I was tempted to order a platter of General Tso’s for myself! The tatse was good for my palette, but it didn’t fee “right”. Progress!

Meanwhile, I have been eating mostly fruits and veggies and my body is thanking me. I’ve started to exercise again, but THAT is super hard because my energy level is still quite low.

I am proud of myself though. I went spinning out if control for a moment there. I think it was too much for me and too soon (focusing so much on diet and exercise). Now, my gears have shifted. I am focusing on managing my stressors in positive ways and learning not to dwell on the negative.

To be continued…

 

S.A.L.V.E. April 16, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 11:39 am

Last night I read an article that briefly touched on self-loathing and how it can trigger fat storage. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but the bottom line was this: If you look in the mirror every day and hate everything you see, you are only making things worse. I suppose that’s common sense, but there was something about the physiology of it (triggering fat storage and such) that got me thinking. Meanwhile there was a study mentioned about how simply having self confidence can help you lose weight (something on the lines of valuing yourself to the point where you dont put certain toxins into your body).

So I am going to try something new. No more negative talk from me. I will focus on accepting who I am and loving me for ME! This weight is not WHO I am. It is a part of me and so be it. It will come off when it does…and if by chance it doesn’t, guess what? I am still beautiful, dammit!

See, applying SALVE (Self-acceptance, love, value, esteem) is working already! Thanks, Martha Beck :)

 

Still around…around…and around April 15, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 2:35 pm

I confess. I have been [acting like] a lost cause lately. Been doing a lot of figuring out…and packing on the pounds all the way.

I have a big trip coming up in August, so I have something to shoot for. I am not usually one for deadlines in this area, but i need some fire up under me arse as feeling sick and/or weighed down has not on the regular has not been much of a motivator.

And I know it sucks I haven’t been blooging…what’s the point of getting a peek into my world if I am not sharing?

Needless to say, there’s been drama. However, I am actually on an “up” of sorts. I have a ton of things in the works. My gears are churning again to make positive changes in my life. I am hoping that the weight loss will fall into the mix some how…it will. I just need to stop being LAZY.

I could tell you the gory details about my shitty diet and lack of exercise, but that will not change the fact that I have been on a unicycle pedaling backwards for the past few months. So I’ll spare you.

I just have to keep telling myself “I can and WILL get through this”.

One day at a time…

One day at a time.

Now let’s try to make those days move in a forward motion :)