The Secret Life

a behind the scenes look at the consistently inconsistent life of an emotional eater…

Slippin’ and a slidin’! January 31, 2013

Filed under: Drama, Random — preciouscharlie @ 10:04 pm

That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing this past week. Tonight I had last night’s leftover Chinese. I don’t know why I even bought it in the first place. Yes I do. Because I couldn’t deal. Going in circles with the boy again. I know I need to leave. I’ve been apartment hunting, but not seriously enough for it to work. And then he always tries to play nice when he realizes that I am moving on. I know I CAN leave. I’ve done it before just like I’ve lost the weight before…come to think of it, I believe I lost the weight (via proper diet and exercise) shortly after I LEFT him the first time. Maybe that’s what it’s going to take to keep me on point. I don’t know.

What I do know is the next time I step on that scale (probably in about a week) I want to see my digits down by at least 5. I know that I want to be able to button these jeans [which I wore today] the next time I put them on!

I know that blogging helps keep me on task.

I know I’m not ready to give up!

How do I get back to my exercise regimen? I was doing so well and then just like that…stopped. I rationalize by saying that I am letting muscles relax before I go hard again…but it’s been seven days! I MUST get back on the wagon or I am not going to make my goal. Not any time this year at least.

So now what?

I’m not going to say I’ll get up early and get ‘er done. Sheesh, I am already dreading trudging through work tomorrow (like my positive attitude, don’t you). I can’t even begin to THINK about getting up an hour early to exercise. Sigh…such a disappointment.

Why do I let LIFE get to me?

At this moment, I can commit to writing out my meals for the next few days. Maybe I’ll even grab some groceries on the way home. I was doing so well when I was cooking. But my recent sadness made me lazy and dinner the past few nights has been Apple Jacks or Honey Smacks…yep.

Writing it all out helps me OWN it. I see these words and I am like, “really?” I’m thinking about all the meals I’ve prepared the past couple weeks. I’m thinking of how good it feels to FINISH a workout. Thinking of how AWFUL it feels when I am to the bottom of a carton of Hunan Chicken…

I can do this. I know I can. I often wonder if that is part of the reason I am NOT doing it…because I know I can and will when I am ready. Well I’m ready NOW dammit. My heart is. My head isn’t quite with me though because it’s just too darn cloudy. I need to just be and let be and in the meantime, do ME!

I’m baaaaaaaaack!

:)

(aaaand scene!)

 

Weigh-in! January 28, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Stats, Weight Loss — preciouscharlie @ 10:04 am

The “detox” phase is over. I am down 9lbs and can see a difference in my midsection [only].

I had a slip on day nine which was Saturday as I had 3 (heavy) beers. The silver lining is that I ordered a small spinach salad for my meal! I don’t think I’ve ever ordered a SALAD at a restaurant for dinner. So, score 2 points for me!

Even with the slip, I’ve been 1400 calories or under this whole time. I think I’ve trained my appetite so I should be able to keep this up. It would certainly help if I could get back on track w/ my exercise regimen. A lot has been going on though, so I haven’t been able to get up early and work out. My bed feels just too good to me! :(

Mood: 4

Energy level: 2

WEIGHT: 189 (34 to go!)

 

By the way… January 25, 2013

Filed under: Stats — preciouscharlie @ 9:43 pm

Mood: 2

Energy level: 3

(scale= 1-10, 10 is high)

I can do:

Push-ups (knees down): 7

Plank: 23 seconds

 

What’s it gonna be?

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Drama — preciouscharlie @ 9:38 pm

Pizza? Hoagie? Beer? All of the above?

Maybe I should just go to bed.

I am not tired though. It’s Friday night. I am home alone…and bored. The boy left. Out living his life (drinking and playing video games with his “boyfriend”). He took the little one to her cousins’ so I “won’t feel trapped in the house”. Whatever. He knows I have nowhere to go. I AM trapped in the house. That’s not his problem though. It’s mine.

I have the TV. Cable. Netflix.  I have music and books. The cats. I have the computer…and the refrigerator.

There’s nothing in the kitchen that can really get me in trouble. The take-out menus are what’s causing me grief.

Chinese? Stromboli? Broccoli bites? Yum…

You know, I’ve saved about 60 bucks this past week by not ordering or going out to eat. Saved thousands of calories as well! I haven’t even purchased a single A.M. latte! This is all motivation, sure. But sitting alone in this house has me fighting the urge to stuff my face. Why? Why does boredom make me want to eat?

I have 2 sweet potatoes in the oven. They probably have a couple more hours to cook. By then I won’t be “hungry” though. Ever have that feeling where you want everything, yet you don’t want anything? Well that’s what I am going through now. I guess that’s the giveaway to the fact I’m not truly hungry. I am just lonely. And food keeps me company.

I was thinking maybe I should work out. But quite honestly, I don’t feel like it. NEXT!

I bet plenty of moms wish they had a night to themselves like this. But my situation is not all too glamorous. It’s not fun. Especially when I am not really in need of “alone time”. It comes all too often. It’s another reason why I’ve packed on the pounds.

Well not tonight, dammit! I’m not letting my mood get me down…not down to the bottom of a bag of chips at least. No hoagie. No beer. No nothing.

Goodnight.

 

Hanging in there January 23, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Weight Loss — preciouscharlie @ 10:05 pm

Okay, 6 days in and no pizza for me. Yay!  (Only six days? REALLY? Seems like it’s been far longer).

I will be working pizza back into my life later. Now is not the time as I have not yet mastered portion control. I have to remind myself this is temporary.  It will take time. Trust me, I hate the idea of deprivation but soon I will be eating whatever I want. I simply have to train my body to want what it needs and to not overindulge in crap that it doesn’t. Easy, right?

I’ve been doing all right thus far. I got up to 1400 calories yesterday, but that’s okay. None of them came from junk food (I suppose that’s a small fib with the Cool Whip, oops). Exercise has become part of my day but I can’t say I’ve gotten my rhythm yet. I try to do A.M. Tae Bo (55 mins) for cardio and I whipped out my Slim in 6 DVD for P.M. strengthening/toning (level 1, 25 mins). Energy level definitely needs work. I’m trying though.

Cravings are kicking my butt. I need to find solid ways to fight them. I’ve tried drinking water, chewing gum, and good old hand to hand combat. It’s damn hard!  Gotta remember it’s mind over matter and stay focused on the LONG term. “What do you WANT? You’re not going to get it if you don’t push through.”

Speaking of long term, I find myself obsessing in the mirror. I need to quit this as it’s a constant reminder of how far I have to go. I want instant results and it’s just not going to happen. I didn’t gain 40+ lbs in a week, and I’m not going to lose it that fast either. I know this. It’s a simple truth. Why is it so hard to accept?

 

Trying to find a pattern

Filed under: Drama, Random — preciouscharlie @ 4:20 pm

Don’t call me at WORK asking me “stupid” questions! I’m tired and ready to go home! (yes, the boy is at it again)

Now, after that somewhat frustrating phone call I have resolved not to give him my joy (thanks Joel Osteen). But still I sit here fiending for a friggin Hershey bar (w/ almonds)! This is my “hands off, don’t touch” sweet treat I keep in the fridge and in my desk at work. Luckily I dont have one [the GIANT/7oz.] at the moment or I’d certainly be stuffing my face!

So I let everything bother me and the answer is always food. Then the FOOD itself bothers me. Viscious cycle…

 

Cravings

Filed under: Random — preciouscharlie @ 1:29 pm

I think I may have to cave. This pizza thing is really eating at me. Feeling a tad miserable today (skipped my AM workout so I could sleep as long as possible). I guess it’s just my go-to comfort food. Doesn’t help that it’s a certain time of the month (sorry if that’s TMI). And I don’t want a “healthy” pizza! I want two slices loaded with grease and cheese! No veggies. No wheat.

 

The three S’s January 22, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Random — preciouscharlie @ 7:57 pm

Eat Smaller potions

Eat Slower

No Seconds!

Thanks little Splenda packet :)

 

Just say no!

Filed under: Drama — preciouscharlie @ 7:43 pm

Energy practically non-existent for my A.M. workout.

Dragged my feet through a long boring day at work.  Couldn’t wait to get home and rest.

Almost got smacked by a police officer recklessly driving on the way home. Yes, he may have been rushing to an emergency, but he came out of nowhere! No siren…lights on only AFTER he almost ran us off the road!

Decided to stop for a pizza on the way in, but I actually FORGOT, lol! Score one for me!

Got home to a clean kitchen. Yay! The boy actually cleaned up his mess that’s been there for days. Thanks!

Went to retreat in the living room…great, cat vomit on the SOFA!

Before I can even take care of that, I’ve got the 2nd grader acting grown again. I ask her to do something and she tells me what she’s going to do instead. Had to hurt her feelings (took away her DS and Wii for the rest of the week, no biggie)…which in turn hurt MY feelings because we don’t see each other all day and here’s what we have to go through soon as we get home?

Started dinner (spinach and cheese raviolis for her, leftover rice & beans and kale for myself).

Got the vomit up.

Checked homework.

Rinse. Repeat.

So, nothing major. Just a pretty annoying evening. All I want is to relax with an ice cold brew. Problem is I don’t want the empty calories. And goodness knows I have no interest in a light IPA! So for now, I’ll just say NO and mellow out with a cup of herbal tea.

I think I’ll make my 10PM bed time tonight…

 

Day 4 January 21, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Stats — preciouscharlie @ 10:10 pm

Mood: 5

Energy level: 6

(scale= 1-10, 10 is high)

I can do:

Push-ups (knees down): 4

Plank: 10 seconds :(

(These are two exercises I have a love/hate relationship with. Goal is 20 push-ups and 1 minute plank)

 

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